From: Nick I.
Subject: Nevada Cops
Date: Mon, 27 Aug 2001

I've got a little story to relate as a follow-up to your "burned-out headlight" tale.

I don't know why they REALLY pulled you over. Maybe they didn't like your looks?

and here i thought i was devastatingly handsome, like abe frohman, the sausage king of chicago.

Anyway, one year I was on the highway to Tonopah and I was FLYING down the road. Probably doing somewhere in the 90-100 range. So I see this car in my lane up ahead of me and figure it is just one more person that needs to be passed. But then (you see what is coming don't you) as I come baring down on the car, I realize it is a State Trooper. Of course I decelerate very quickly and try to act all "good citizen", but it was too late. He pulls over, waits for me to pass, then gets behind me and turns on the old blue-and-reds. So I pull over, he comes up to my window, and can you guess what he says to me?

He says "I noticed you were going pretty fast back there. I just wanted to pull you over to let you know that there are some cattle on the highway up ahead, so you need to be careful." Boom, he lets me go, no ticket, no warning. Best rural Nevada cop story I ever had.

i suspect a common citizen celebrating halloween early.

Anyway, loved your Anti-BM pages. I first attended burning man with some friends NINE YEARS ago.

okayokay you were punk before i was punk!

My friends and I have pretty much made labor-day camping in the Black Rock an annual event, but over time we have had to separate ourselves from the BM-elite. When they first started trying to tell us where we could blow stuff up and where we couldn't we know our time was getting limited. For many years we were able to exist by looking the "black rock rangers" in the face, laughing at them, and reminding them that we were on public land and would do exactly the fuck as we pleased.

we tried that on "public" land at the booth. fat lotta good that did "the public."

or the booth, for that matter.

I suspect there are a couple of good lawsuits bouncing around in the current situation. Why don't any of the sheep that give LH their $$$ question the fact that a huge hunk of PUBLIC land has been fenced off, and that you aren't allowed to access that PUBLIC land without paying LH.

why can't we access LOTS of "public" land without paying?

Anyway, glad to know that my friends and I aren't the only disenfranchised freaks in the world.

why can't we be freaks without buying a franchise?!?

oh.

From: "Otis Fodder"
Subject: the whipped cream girl
Date: Thu, 23 Aug 2001

We did an article/interview with Dolores Erickson (The Whipped Cream Girl) in our rag, "cool and strange music mag" 2 issues ago.

i read that. good work.

She runs an art gallery up here. I read you were interested in reaching her? Let me know and I'll see what I can do. Could be a trip up to the Pacific Northwest, heh???

that would be splendid, otis sir. muchas gracias.

i only wish i could drive whip it! up there. well, maybe a washington trip would be impetus for a repair pilgrimage

Who knows. It would just be cool for you to get in touch with her. She'd be thrilled I bet to see the Car online.

i would think that she'd have at least heard of it, at any rate, with all the art car activity in the pacific northwest.

I have my LP copy signed by her (which is great). Could you imagine her SIGNING THE CAR!!!

yeah! i'll have to redo the exterior -- poor thing's been lying fallow in san jose for several years.

i was just wandering about your site (excellent stuff, btw) and clicked the "free will" animation/video and was happy to hear a snippet of the herbster therein. it all makes some kind of terrible herbst. or rather, sense.

Ahhh, you found Scrumpillyishus Land which is an extension of our collage act, "The Bran Flakes." You might dig the Friendly Persuasion show I do weekly too. Crazy stuff. This week is 2 hours of nothing but annoying children singing...

Thanks, but ya know, it's a mutual admiration society for i've been digging DOC for a few years now and seen it go through many changes. Spaceship Kenny! Lucia wasn't the only one Walking on the Moon!

ahh, kenny. what a fascinating and talented character he is. you'd have to say that of anyone who can make art out from the contents of someone's colostomy bag -- even if it was lucia pamela's!

Too bad the car is dead. If it ever gets running again and you make it up in this neck of the woods there's a good group of folks up here who would dig it.

oh, she will run again. this we know. we do. we know.

p.s. -- i see that mark g will be hosting on 9/3 -- he's a pal, too. in fact, now that i think of it, we met because of herb alpert as well

Date: Tue, 21 Aug 2001
Subject: Favor
From: R.

Absolutely fascinating web site. Congrats. Now for a favor. I saw your Osmond Brothers site featuring their KOLOB material. Incredible. Could you please e-mail to me in copies of your jpg photos at HIGH RESOLUTION (best, 10) and at large size so that they can be reproduced by me in a professional print job. I doubt I will be able to find a hardcopy of this long lost album. Thank you so much.

I am a nationally recognized specialist in the area of world religions (9 books so far). I have a new book coming out on Mormonism's history next year and I would like to include the scans as interesting examples of continuing 19th century believes by modern day Mormons -- e.g., The Osmonds. I think it would really interest readers.

judging by the reaction to those pages over the years, i'd say that's a good guess.

unfortunately, i'm in the midst of moving, so all the LPs are in storage. but online is one you could have for your very own for only ten smackabduls

guess it's either that or let 'em look at the blurry scans here at deuce of clubs...

Date: Tue, 21 Aug 2001
From: dragonjoy

i am desparately looking for a box of Cherry Clan/Cherry Chan candy. BUT NOT CHERRY HEADS!!
I WANT THE ORIGINAL SLANTY EYED LOGO ON THE BOX ) if you have any information on who can sell me some please let me know.
thanx.

sincerely,
politically incorrect asian girl

i have what thou seekest.

however, i'm in the midst of moving to a remote desert location, so it might be a little time before i could put my hands on it. mind you, it's only the box -- the candy long ago disappeared down my piehole.

i don't operate on the buy/sell so much here at DoC. but i like trading.

Date: Tue, 21 Aug 2001
From: Brody
Subject: Chicks Dig Wagner

Sorry that I've been out of the loop for a while, I've been busy doing odd things in poor countries, and trying to restore & live in a 122 year-old house. Anyway, I leave again for a six week expedition in Burma,

bring me back some shaving cream, will you?

but I wanted to send you this before I left. It's a 'small world' thing from a friend totally unaffiliated with Burning Man, The Libertarians, Cacophony Society, or the Internet (OR the Web):

a friend of mine - female and can't remember which one - told me that she has a crush on some guy online that takes pictures of the bust of a classical composer in various locations. I wondered allowed "Could it be that my friend has fallen for the infamous Brody Culpepper?" - she said she didn't think so - the name didn't sound right. We quibbled over whether or not the bust was Beethoven or Wagner. I said your bust was Wagner.

(why why WHY must they confuse wagner with that upstart beethoven???)

My (Brody's) Response:

The Bust is Wagner. The Man is Doc. He IS the Deuce of Clubs. I've helped him with his Wagner portfolio in the distant past, but in no way am I as hip, creative, or downright sexy as him.

i know a band that has a pair of giant voodoo scissors to help you with your image

Here's the site.
The site's a blast, baby! Oh, and send the chick his way, and make sure she has plenty of money, breakfast cereal, and a clean change of clothes.

Chow,
Brody.

thanks for remembering the cereal. cos, no cereal, they get TOSSED

Ok, so big damn deal you say, but just hear this: THE CHICKS DIG WAGNER.

wagner seems to know this. i remain skeptical.

Off to Burma, er, Myanmar
Brody.

myanmar. that should be the name of a marshmallow confection.
mmmmmm. myanmar.

Date: Sun, 19 Aug 2001
From: Hesby
Subject: On the loose

I just want to make sure you don't think I had anything to do with the disappearance of your Coyle & Sharpe CD. After you loaned it to me, I remember giving it back to you pretty quick, so, hopefully, I should be above suspicion.

think, agent hesby. you and "above suspicion" hardly belong in the same paragraph, let alone the same sentence, you suspicious and shady character, you.

I can't, however, say the same about the other monkeys who worked with us over at The Robotic Goat. You should definitely sic your pit-bull Mexican mall lawyers on those guys first.

i can't believe i don't remember. i used to write down when people borrowed things. then i just started killing people at random. that felt much better.

Now that you're flirting with at least several varieties of certain death out there in the desert, you should really try this thing I discovered back when it hit 120 and I had to drive across Phoenix in a $10 car with no A.C.: Let the hot, dry air blow on your hand, and don't pull it back. Just let the blowdryer-like heat keep cooking your hand, and your nerves will tell you "Hey idiot, it's damn hot, and it's only getting hotter." Ignore those nerves. They've only ever served to irritate you anyway. Soon, the nerves will stop telling you that things are getting hotter, and the sensation will come full circle, with your mind registering it as cold. Pretty neat, eh?

theory if it hasn't happened yet, it ain't gonna

Date: Thu, 16 Aug 2001
From: David G.
Subject: watts towers

saw your watts towers pics. i'm heading to LA soon and would like to see the towers but they're closed for renovation for another month. do you think it would be worth trekking out there to see them from the street? is it the kind of place where a view from the street might be enjoyable? any advice you could offer would be much appreciated.

thanks
david

i don't know how it looks right now. if the bulk of the scaffolding is gone it might be worth going out there. if you wouldn't have minded the washington monument during renovation, or the statue of liberty during renovation, then maybe the watts towers during renovation would be okay with you. if you can see it in the future, post-scaffolding, that's what i'd do.

p.s. the personal payphone has gotten more expensive.

you're right. i noticed that recently. but it seems i have gotten more lazy.

From: Felicia
Subject: coming soon
Date: Wed, 15 Aug 2001

Hello my dear Deuce,

Hope all is well with you. Saw an amusing sign yesterday but didn't have a camera and it's way across town so will have to wait til I'm in those parts again. But I had to tell you about it anyway:

Store sells religious books and the name is His Word, but their ridiculous sign capitalizes the H and the S so it looks more like Hi Sword.

tee hee.

did you try reading it backwards?

Date: Tue, 14 Aug 2001
From: J.
Subject: Herb sighting

Hiya!

I'm still slaving away at [co. name], which is both fabulously wonderful and indescribably horrific.

One groovy thing is that the Editorial Asst. for the movie I'm working on (I'm script coordinator for [movie name] keeps a framed album cover mounted near the door of his office, in the hallway, and rotates thru a new cover every week or so.

Today a new one appeared. And it is Herb Alpert's Whipped Cream and Other Delights.

So I thought of you.

in the same situation, i would have thought of me, too.

Date: Tue, 14 Aug 2001
From: Jeremy B.
Subject: Photo Credit

Stumbled across your Harry Dean Stanton story today (a friend sent me the URL)

harry dean: man among men

someone just wrote and told me i was correct in my guess that the music in the documentary she made about the mojave phone booth was inspired by ry cooder's score from paris, texas.
which starred: harry dean stanton.

all roads lead to harry.

also deborah harry.

and that reminded me of your cool Mountain Monograms site.

Got a photo-credit correction for you. The photo of Tucson's A Mountain was taken by me and not Bill C.

el whoops. lo siento.

I took it in the summer of 1999 while I was teaching at U Ariz and living downtown. I can't remember when I sent it to you. Might have been back then.

The text is not mine.

Anyway, 'sno big deal. Love the site!

muchas gracias.

Date: Wed, 8 Aug 2001
From: Eric S.

I have been visiting your site for quite some time...

Thanks for all the free entertainment, laughs, and info!

From: Kimber
Date: Sat, 4 Aug 2001

you are one scary man!

boo.

Date: Sun, 08 Jul 2001
From: j
Subject: where gila monsters live

surprised to read today of a new discovery involving the elusive gila monster dwellings.

scientists have found that they visit home auctions, in disguise and in the eleventh hour, and grossly overbid to secure their new home.

thanks for that and for the beautiful (hand-painted) postcard

you are welcome. and thanks for calling it beautiful. it's a start.

you received it quickly. i only mailed it yesterday. maybe the day before that.

perhaps there has been no rain, sleet, or snow. i believe there was dark of night, but only briefly.

Date: Thu, 28 Jun 2001
From: Robert B.
Subject: (e)y(e)balls

Hi - I love the site!!!

danke

I mentioned DOC in a post to a local (Phoenix) email list.

I hope I send DoC a few more eyeballs!

yes, we collect eyeballs, thank you.

From: Michelle C.
Subject: thank you
Date: Mon, 25 Jun 2001

Hi there. I want to thank you for giving me solstice during a long Sunday at work!

i thought solstice was last thursday

I don't remember how I found your site early this morning but I did...and I read EVERYTHING! I must be the only person in the world who did not know the story of the phone booth. What a wonderful escape from my day to read about the misadventures of Wag and crew. The pictures of Wag are so - fuckin funny! you had me laughing secretly from my little office cubicle.

i'll take that bet (there are 4,500+ pages on this site)

hm...okay maybe not everything..but enough to make my eyes bleed a bit ;)

i am glad to hear it. one of the main reasons deuce of clubs exists is to chew up corporate and/or billable time.

oh I chewed up 7.5 hours. total lack of productivity. Not to mention the fact that it is after midnight here now and I am STILL looking at the site!

music to my little typing fingertips

You are very funny. I like the way you write. It's so off the cuff and well put. Your mom must be proud.

Thanks again and keep it up!!!!

yours in blind faith,
Michelle

Date: Sun, 24 Jun 2001
From: aristeia
Subject: desert houses

by the way, have you ever read s.l. macgregor mathers?

yes. ponderous. i think crowley shows that without humor, occultism is just laughable.

as long as you're going to be building a house in the desert anyway, why not attain the secrets of the universe, right?

i just want to attain the secrets of the gila monster.
(did you know no one has ever found a gila monster nest in the wild?)

Date: Wed, 20 Jun 2001
From: babs
Subject: well

so i go to deuceofclubs.com...

i have always respected your powers of perception, your intelligence, if you will. so now what? i can not believe that you would even CONSIDER going to see Pearl Harbor. i have been tricked into seeing a few stupid movies in my life, but this one screams I SUCK.

you should hear how it screams -- and sucks -- INSIDE the theater

did you get a head injury or did some chick suggest you go for stupid-estrogen-laced-chick-sexual-love-reasons? (...but it makes me so hot to see ben afflicted act like a weepy bitch...)

no. i went for the same reason i went to jfk and the doors. i knew they would suck, too, but i wanted to see the recreations. if i had known that the battle lasts only 40 minutes out of a running time of over THREE HOURS, i would have found out when the battle scenes were and showed up then. oh well. beats working.

so, yeah, i'm worried about you. all well?

babs-o-matic 9000

going crazy with the house, but other than that, yeah.

Date: Tue, 19 Jun 2001
From: aristeia
To: Damn Good Coffee
Subject: hot bunz

i think the girl on the far left has the cutest buns, but also the goofiest hair.

the girl in the middle has the goofiest buns

i still haven't found something to send you for more booth glass, mostly because i haven't been looking very hard, but you can buy a whole menagerie of pooping animals at stupid.com!

the elephant has the goofiest buns

also you can buy poo-shaped candy, which i intend to send to a friend for his birthday. i have to top the fake nipples i sent him for xmas. (do you want fake nipples? i don't have any more. do you want real nipples? eew.)

wolf nipple chips?

alms for an ex leper?

don't you want to haggle?

Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001
From: Russ C.
Subject: HTML

Wow. I gotta ask. Your HTML doesn't show any signs of having been automatically generated. Did/do you code DOC by hand? If not, how?

yes, it's true. i do it all by hand. and it's bad, bad code. i started out not knowing anything and somewhere along the way ... er, never bothered to learn.

i'm going to be in trouble come the next generation or two of browsers...

Hmm. It may be bad code, but the results are pretty impressive. I like the way you managed to get a distinctive look to your site without really doing anything very fancy.

thanks. faking it has its rewards, i guess

Maybe it's just that goofy font.

hey, we did that by hand! (it's called "do not bend" -- why, i couldn't say.)

And of course your signal to noise ratio is real high ... no pages of links to other links to other links to

yeah. link pages ... brrrrrrrr

From: Richard
Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001

Dear Buyer,

I just visit your website, it's very nice for small items, samll novelties...... Also found that most our items may cause you in highly interesting to carry and sell.

As you ever carry the item "Naughty Keychain", it was just created by us, and there are lots of other factory copied from us.... and you know their quality always comes poor............

Anyway this email, just want to inform you that you may find more+new items from us, And we are the manufacturer, also every items are created by our own art design team,......

Sincerely hope you can visit our on line catalog first, Especially the new pen http://www.foluck.com/our/hot/2001DM-1301.jpg then advise us your interesting item# / quantity...... I will send you our best offer immediately.

Awaiting your good news soon.

best regard.
Richard Wang. / Marketing Dept.

Foluck International Co., Ltd.
website:www.foluck.com

The Cardhouse Robot points out that the website

"Contains this gem "ALL ITEM / DISPLAY / ARTWORK SHOWN UNDER THIS WEB SITE (WWW.FOLUCK.COM) ARE ALL RIGHT RESERVED BY US. "

ALL YOUR RIGHT ARE RESERVED TO US!!!

and here i've been trying to avoid the "all your base are belongs to us" craze...

Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2001
From: Dr. Cliff

i read this on your matt gerson page...

"Well, have you ever heard the guy reading the prose of Francis E. Dec, Esquire on the Psychic TV CD Ultrahouse: The LA Connection?" ("I stand alone against your mad deadly worldwide conspiratorial gangster computer-god communism, with wall-to-wall deadly gangster protection, lifelong sworn conspirators murder incorporated organized crime the police and judges...using all the gangster deadly frankenstein controls...trick, trap, rob, wreck, butcher, and murder the people to keep them terrorized in gangster frankenstein earphone radio slavery!")

i thought i was the only person on earth who had that CD! apparently, they sold two. the voice of francis e dec, esquire, is a journalist from KROQ called "doc on the rock". he has one of those great radio voices that shows up everywhere.
i think most songs on the ultrahouse CD were made in their entirety by genesis p orridge himself- that the band names are pure fabrication. but kitten sparkles is a pet project of ex-germ/celebrity skin/45 grave don bolles, who incidentally has really bad teeth. and glen meadmore is a real-life transsexual born-again ex-gay prostitute.

didja know francis' writing came from a book called 'Lack of Discretion of judgement because of schitzophrenia' ? of course you knew that. what i'm really asking is do you have a copy? i can't find one. i want one real bad.

what you need, my friend, is a gimme page.

Date: Tue, 5 Jun 2001
From: aristeia
To: Damn Good Coffee

you know, i don't know where i put my booth glass. i guess i'll have to find something else to send you.

excellent -- you've sent some dandy items.

we weep with you for your loss.

Date: Mon, 4 Jun 2001
From: Burford
Subject: check please

i read the shirt-lady's magnet fishin stuff

it's just like being at a restaurant with you

even over the web, YOU are a freak magnet

but i really gotta give it to her for that air filter idea -- that was clever

do what now?

i remember being in the jackinthebox on mill ave with you one night long ago, and some homeless guy with bloody knuckles singled *you* out as the patron to approach

later that night you explained that you've always seemed to have some innate characteristic that society's weirder side just naturally picks up on

over time, i have found that observation to be accurate

is that different from the time in the denny's parking lot on 7th avenue?

yep, totally different

and yet, somehow, very much the same

Date: Tue, 29 May 2001
From: Andria
Subject: Malcolm McLean

How funny. I read McLean's obit the other day, about how he revolutionized the shipping industry with containers, and thought of your own out there amidst the saguaros. I meant to send you a link, but I see you caught it on your own.

From: Anaisabine
Date Sun, 20 May 2001

not sure if i get the "get ahead" story....

not sure i do, either. but i like it.

reminds me of something that jandek would write...

maybe jean IS jandek. maybe she doesn't live in petaluma at all, but rather HE lives in HOUSTON!

mystery solved?

Date: Mon, 21 May 2001
Subject: Hey!
From: Jessica

Hi there!

How are tricks?

Evidently, they're interesting, as usual. I was glad to see all the yummy updates to your site.

I just finished reading the latest tome from Jean, with the shirt and patches. She's the wacky best, always makes me laugh out loud.

she's one of a kind, no question about it

Your own personal exodus is going well, I trust?

progressing slowly but steadily, thanks

I've been making my own sort of retraction from the rat race, by eschewing what passes for normal work these days (which: nothing does. People are either unemployed, working retail, or writing code. None of these strike me as normal work. Maybe I should go back into academia. Mm, probably not.) in favor of joining the [ -- ] family.... I think I might actually make it, but I might snap from the tension of enduring politics, slow vapid people, and horrendous waste, all up real close. There are a ton of incredibly smart interesting nifty folks there, but there are a few handsful of incompetent whiny dopes as well, and they have power. And they all talk to, or near, me. And they all went to the Dave Matthews show the other night and won't shut up about it. Sigh.

oh, lord. dave matthews is the huey lewis of this generation.

Anyway, it's amusing. The last time I did PA work was circa 1985-6, and I'm listening to a lot of the music I did then, sporting a similar hair color to then, so it all makes some sort of morbid sense, whee!

Ciao,
Jessica

Date: Tue, 15 May 2001
From: Live Wire
Subject: New desert pictures

Deuce,

I really enjoyed the photos of Wagner in the beautiful Sonoran Desert. Such a wild, lush landscape!

yeah, the place i bought looks like saguaro nat'l monument.

I used to live in Mesa, and later, Tucson.

i don't think i could ever force myself to leave

I miss the landscape there (especially around Tucson). Especially liked Wagner with the rattler.

probably more than he did, at any rate

Good luck with getting settled in. I envy you!

i do feel very lucky

Always enjoy your site.

muchas gracias

Date: Tue, 15 May 2001
From: Octavia

WOW - your site has grown -- I've been plinkin' around well over an hour!!

i hope it was on company time.

Anyway, I had a very enjoyable time perusing Wagner's travels & fun! Grrreeeattttt site, Doc!!!!

From: krishna
Date: Tue, 15 May 2001

Mr Clubs,

What are you to do with that cargo container?

I think you should tip it over, line it with some heat resistant material and used it as a "shade structure".

Either that or a "swimming pool". In a few years, the scum and algea should be just right.

Or turn it upside down, steady one end with a stick, place some cheese or food in the middle and you'd have yourself a fine trap for very large mice.

Or "paint it black" and stand it on it's end: Giant 2001 Monolith. Two 60's pop culture references in one sentence.

you are the silliest person named after a god that i ever knew

Date: Wed, 16 May 2001
From: j
Subject: more things you should do...

...with your cargo container:

fill it with goats.

open up a ticket window, and sell tickets to life.

make a naked man stand in the center like from davinci's proportional drawing (alternating with arms up, and arms down).

stick a bunch of glow in the dark stars inside, and give planetarium talks.

fill it with lettuce. then fill it with goats.

rig up a hydraulic system, then say it is spontaneously crying, then tithe to see it.

every morning, stumble by it and stub your toe, and say "damn, i meant to move this thing."

fry a giant omelette on top of it.

what hath krishna wrought?

From: Susie
Date: Tue, 15 May 2001

Dear Doc,

I just saw your problem with the "Whipit-mobile." My husband races cars and is a mechanic (as a hobby - his father was John Muir, the author of the cult classic How To Keep Your Volkwagen Alive - A Manual of Step-by-Step Procedures for the Compleat Idiot).

i used to have that book! i had an old beetle that i hated with a passion. i finally blew out its engine ascending chiriaco pass, but i hated that car so much that i decided i was damn well going to make it to LA anyway, so i bought a whole mess of oil & kept pouring oil through it until it made it. sure, i warped the head, but i didn't care. i hated that car.

I have forwarded your Problem website to him and asked for help. Maybe he'll have some ideas ...

Here's another solution Among our stable of cars is a late 70's Cadillac, automatic tranny, power seats and windows, with a big-ass motor, painted bright orange, customized like a pickup, with a big rig "radiator bra" for a back window, big rig decals on the side, air horns, and steer horns on the hood. Her name is "Maybelline." I've kept her well-maintained. She's a real show-stopper.

She's back in Carolina, but we could tow her as far as Show Low when we go back this summer. She would make a great canvas for your art car ideas. She's yours for $1000 -and maybe we can throw in some tires.

that's a fine offer, but i think i already have too many vehicles (four -- just got rid of one), and i'm reducing to one, once i've moved to the wilderness, and it'll have to be tough enough to deal with unimproved roads on a daily basis. but thanks anyhow.

You will love moving to the country. We just walked in from a sunset ATV ride. Our land backs up to a mile square of State land, and trees shield us from our one neighbor. Make the most of the quietness and your privacy. It is like gold.

yep, that's one of the things i want the most. gold, i mean. no, i meant quietness and privacy. i, too, will be surrounded by unoccupied land -- acres and acres and acres of it.

From: bethany
Date: Mon, 14 May 2001

you got whipit! running again? wait, i'm confused- the bisbee trip ("shady dell is for sale" ) is recent or was that awhile ago? how long has whipit! been up again????

this is important. i need to know.

whip it! is still in california, but plans are in the works for an end-of-the-year rescue.

by the way, have you watched the old movie, "war of the gargantuas"? it's got a super-sick scene where the monster eats a woman and then spits the inedible stuff (dress, bones, etc.) out. just made me think of you for some reason. it's supposed to be a sequel (of sorts) to "frankenstein conquers the world"- which i also highly recommend.

From: j
Date: Mon, 14 May 2001
Subject: Whaddyasay, whaddyaknow...

i used to say this *all* the time. i adored it. and now i see you know it, yet i cannot remember where i first heard it. can you remind me?

cagney, in angels with dirty faces ("hiya jerry, whaddyasay, whaddyaknow?")

Date: Mon, 14 May 2001
From: Pete

WOW!
The new pics are AWESOME - I could feel the west seeping into my eyes and through my bones.

From: crumblydonut
Date: Wed, 9 May 2001

Say, I was reading your raver section and saw this:

"I'm from Tucson, how "cool" is that??...I've always wanted to visit The Thing? but no one else seems to share my enthusiasm for tourist traps."

And the thing I deduce from this is that although she was born, raised and lives in Tucson, she's yet to visit The Thing?

I'm terribly, terribly confused.

no, she is terribly, terribly confused.

From: Felicia
Date: Mon, 7 May 2001

Darnit to heck! I just returned from a mind numbing trip to Bham, Alabama and immediately prepared to mail the Houston's Other front page we spoke of featuring Wagner. Now I see that someone sent it already for identity confirmation. Since it already carries a stamp, I'm mailing it anyway. But...I was first to bring it to your attention, right? Please tell me i was the first!!!

you were.

YES! I win!!!! I was the first!!!!!

OK, I seem overly excited about this victory. Maybe I need to take up a sport to satisfy this competitive urge.

Felicia

you might break a toe.

looks like there's at least one person whip it! can depend on when it's time for another tow...

Date: Thu, 03 May 2001
From: lara7
Subject: Wagner alert?

hey there;

I just got back from the Orange Show Art Car Weekend, and I found something in one of the local papers that reminded me of you. Maybe you took this pic, or maybe Wagner has been sneaking around on you, or maybe this is the dreaded Beethoven instead.

no, that's wagner all right.

what's up, Houston's Other? no photo credit? no deuceofclubs.com url? nothing?

Date: Thu, 3 May 2001
From: Vickie D.
Subject: Ok, give....

You have my curiosity up, so why DO they put that white rock around the tracks of railroads? I never really thought about it, and when I did, I couldn't come up with anything....except that maybe when the trains ride the rails, the rock somehow absorbs the shock. So, what is the real reason???

if it were just soil, it would quickly erode and the tracks would sag.

From: Goddess Alithium
Subject: Hello fellow Arizona people :)
Date: Wed, 02 May 2001

Hey there!!

I just discovered this site tonight while in the throes of my latest bout with depression and was quite fascinated by the Mojave Phone Booth (I heard about it on TV awhile back). Then I went on to read that you're from Arizona!!

No one cool is from Arizona!! (With the exception of myself, of course.) I was shocked and pleased to find another cool person (or more cool persons, I suppose) in this boring (although great) state. However, you live in the general Phoenix area, which subtracts a few coolness points (I'm just kidding; I'm from Tucson, how "cool" is that??).

I've always wanted to visit The Thing? but no one else seems to share my enthusiasm for tourist traps.

If you ever want a tag along on one of your many adventures, drop me a line. )

XOXO,
Alithium

Date: Tue, 01 May 2001
Subject: Just to let you know
From: Lola B.

The buildings abandoned at the Salton Sea were demolished three months ago, dammit, but the submerged trailers are still there. There were no buildings at all that I could find. We went to Salton City and the lady in the diner said the yacht club had been demolished and that was the only thing.

I liked the Salton Sea despite the bizarre ecodisaster feel. The trailers are soon to go I hear, caught in a lawyer battle type scenario.

I tell you something for nothing- there's noo chance I'd swim in that water -- it glowed red when we were there last thursday.

Did exotic world, and I may start cataloging their stuff for Dixie, they asked if I wanted to help run the place, but I'm a writer not an exotic dancer. It was real fun. But wouldn't have known about it all without your tour (we followed a bastardised version to mexico).

Great site

Cheers
Lola

Date: Sun, 29 Apr 2001
From: gila mon

Show Low has been in the news since the guy from China (he was a soldier flying that spy plane... you know) returned. I wanted to go up there and get photos for you. A bunch of yellow ribbons and deuce of clubs. Does Show Low get all hero hungry when you return to visit? Well, they should.

they completely ignore me, in fact -- thereby displaying their deep respect for my shy and retiring ways. (it must be that, mustn't it?)

I also made a song for you titled Deuce of Clubs (Two Clubs that Beat as One).

oh, lord. i hope it's not set to a certain u2 tune ... is it?

No, it's Stacy Q. Better?

ummm....

From: Susie M.
Subject: News from Show Low - home of the Deuce
Date: Wed, 11 Apr 2001

Thunder Raceway is adding motocross. We're sitting on one of the largest accumulations of helium and CO2 in the country (650-mile area, from St. John's to Catron County), and they plan to drill soon. The local Humane Society is squabbling over mismanagement charges. A Pinetop cop chased a car carrying a nurse rushing to the Navapache Hospital ER, pinned the nurse to the ER wall, and issued a ticket. Sunrise, which closed April 1, had one of its best seasons ever. (It reopens in May with lift rides, fishing, fly fishing schools, trail rides, mountain biking, mountain boards, and hiking.)

Downtown businessmen are spiffing up the Deuce of Clubs, cleaning up vacant lots and landscaping. The Paint Pony has a new name and ownership (steaks and Mexican). Several meth labs have been busted lately. Most of the lakes on the Mogollon Rim and White Mountains are still iced over. Trout fishing is fair to good. We ride up into Sitgreaves N.F. on our ATVs, but it's still snow-packed up where the aspen are. The winter was cold, with plenty of snow to replenish the aquifer. We hear elk out behind the house. All in all, a good year ...

There's a guy in Vernon who grows a crop that he sells commercially for hay. He says it is just like ice cream to the elk - they love it so much. Nearly every evening there are elk in his field, just down the road. Fences need to be 7-1/2 feet tall to prevent elk from jumping over them. But when people put up tall fences, the elk just go through them. They'll be grazing along a road and a car or truck will come along and they panic and slam the fence. Birds are migrating today. I don't know what they are, but I hear them twittering in the trees.

Show Low lost $630,000 when Sunrise Airlines sneaked off - $300,000 they advanced for a new plane engine, and $330,000 in unpaid lease fees. Navapache Regional Medical Center is about to get a helicopter.

KeAloha Mae Cody of White River, a legal secretary for the White mtn. Apaches, just took the Miss Indian World title. She's a real beauty! (She's originally from Hawaii. Both the current Miss America and Mrs. America are from Hawaii as well.)

Here's a terrific lead-in paragraph from this week's paper:

"Ashley Wortman, a Show Low Junior High School eighth grader, has determined scientifically that most of the drinking water in the White Mountains is, in some respects, of good quality."

"Do Not Run From This Cop!" Trent Mortenson, with the Snowflake-Taylor Police Dept., competed in seven track events at the Arizona Police Olympics, and came home with seven gold medals.

We had a few flakes of snow yesterday.

Well, kiddo, that's the news from the Deuce ...

Susie in Vernon

From: Faith
Date: Wed, 11 Apr 2001

I am a part of a foundation called United Israel World Union that was started in the 40's. David Horowitz was responsible for the publication of Moses Guiborry's translation, nicknamed "The Blue Book".

He spent 10 years of his life - in complete dedication and sacrifice to TYPE (with NO electricity much less PC's) the translation and have it print ready. David is the president of our foundation still - he turned 98 years (young) on April 9, 2001! He holds the oldest office lease in the United Nations and still writes a column.

I am leaving tomorrow morning for NYC to be with David and the rest of the UIWU for a celebration in David's honor.

If you want to sell the book (after you move and find it....) I would LOVE to have a copy - please keep me in mind!

Thank you.

Best regards,
Faith

From: Ultima!
Date: Thu, 5 Apr 2001

Do you know, we had those "Secret Friends" in grade school, and the older girls were made to be the secret friends of the younger girls, and with my secret friend you didn't need secret enemies! Everyone else got candy or little toys. I got some surreal booklet about monkeys that looked like a reject from a gumball machine. It queried, "How many monkeys in the monkey pile? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 ... Nine's just fine if your spine's made out of pine." Now whenever I hear the word "spine" it brings me back to my desolate disappointment of receiving the "Monkey Pile" book.

From: Annabel G.
Subject: tombstone script
Date: Tue, 3 Apr 2001

I found your review through Google (I was searching specifically for this script). Your site is quite amusing.

Annabel

From: Dave V. Date: Sat, 31 Mar 2001

Are you still interested in getting copies of Whipped Cream and Other Delights, even though Whip It!'s in limbo?

definitely. because Whip It! must live AGAIN!

A couple of weeks ago, I found a copy at a used record shop. It's scratched beyond belief, but considering what you use them for, you don't need a playable record, anyway. By the way, have you saved a copy to play, or do you use every one for artistic material?

i do have a nice german import copy of the LP for listening purposes. but i also have the _whipped cream & other delights_ CD, for those intimate digital moments...

From: Nick K
Subject: W
Date: Fri, 30 Mar 2001

This Wagner on ebay looks similar to yours (well, from the forehead down), but it's wearing a goddamn beret! Is this right?

i don't know whether it's right, but it is, sadly, historically accurate. yes: wagner was a beret wearer.

When I hear Ride of the Valkries, I don't think of it as a work created by someone who wears pansy-ass French headgear.

the good thing is, the beret that wagner sometimes wore was a meistersinger beret, not some left-bank commie french beret. let our hearts be glad for this.

I say that your Wagner has 100 times more character, with an appearance of enduring a shotgun blast to the head rather than a watercolor class.

Just my 2 cents,
Nick

thank you, sir. i will convey your kind words to the meister.

From: Erik I.
Subject: An Emphatic Demonstration?
Date: Fri, 30 Mar 2001

As a long-time visitor to your always entertaining and enlightening site I thought it was time I contributed something.

Among my daily stops on the web is NASA's Astronomy Picture of the Day, and I thought that you'd like a peek at this celestial event that took place in Tempe, Arizona the other day.

Ok, this event didn't actually happen IN Tempe, but this is what it looked like from that fair city...

I did buy Laibach's Let It Be on you recommendation, and I'm glad I did. Amazing powerful stuff.

Cheers, and have a good lunch!
Erik..

would a comet smashing into tempe, arizona be considered a celestial event? yes, please, that is what i would like to see.

Date: Wed, 28 Mar 2001
From: mathew whitney
Subject: the anti/christs' book GODLIKE THE ABOMINATION has just been released

This is the link to the book. The author is claiming to be the antichrist AND the reincarnation of Nikola Tesla. He says his inventions are the miraculous signs prophesied in the book of revelations and that he was given power to conceive of these technologies in order to destroy the "error activated economy"...I think he may have been waiting for this point in time. I would pull out of fossil fuels and silicon. Nobody was expecting otherwise top secret IP to be put into the public domain like this.

and you're telling *me* this because...?

because, I feel that my popularity depends on a range of solicitations/notifications- word of mouth...I don't know when the tipping point will be but you will hear more about me later...thanks for your time

Matty

so, basically ... you're looking for someone to give you that last bit of momentum in your drive toward Antichristhood?

puzzled,
deuce

Yeah, sumpthin like that...I think 5 minutes on air with Howard Stern would do it, and he has had lamer guests than me...I don't know how this will play itself out but it is fascinating- not to trivialize it but its funny, the antichrist is supposed to be like the next Hitler but he is a chronic pothead inventor with nothing better to do than to play games with world leaders...very serious games. I guess you'd have to read the book to take me seriously.

how do you think people will react to an Antichrist named "Matty?" perhaps you might think about a more sinister name. like, say, "Todd." "Todd the Antichrist" -- now that has a RING to it.

Matty is what friends call me, i consider you a friend because you bothered to reply, people that deny my existance or pretend I am sinister for entertainments sake can call me Adaluncatif...Todd is dumb- Matty at least resembles Matreiya the buddist 2nd coming and Mahdi the Muslim 2nd coming.

From: Leah
Date: Wed, 28 Mar 2001
Subject: submission

I found your website, and I wish I could tell you how, but I don't remember.

admit it, you were searching for amy grant websites.

The thing is, even before I found your website, I've always thought that she had a nice facial structure. Including the mandible. I kind of live in Amy-land here, she's everywhere. Her husband too.

anyway, attached is a scan of a deuce of clubs. It is from a deck featuring the "best of country music", but judging by the selection it's the best of country music from sometime in the 1980s. I found it at a nashville tourist shop about three years ago (yes, I live here and I like touristy things).

ah, a thing of beauty and horror.
(wasn't tom t. hall the guy who did the execrable "i love" song?)

Yes. The very same. He also wrote "Harper Valley PTA". But he didn't sing it, obviously.

thankfully. (tom t. hall in a miniskirt ... brrrrrrrrr!)

Beware of hitchiking ghosts.
Leah

From: Cydcali@aol.com
Date: Mon, 26 Mar 2001
Subject: THANK YOU THANK YOU

Doc,

I am letting you know that I received the pieces of glass. Thank you so much. The blue one is especially cool. I've been spreading the word about the site, although it was partly for my cow being on display, but that is ok right? Good. :-) I am looking for a cool little display thing to put em in so I can show em off. I guess other people might not think it's cool but I do. Thank you again for the glass as I will treasure it always...... give my regards to Wagner. I failed to do that before. thank you again for the glass and the awesome site.

luv, jess

Date: Fri, 16 Mar 2001
From: Tess

Have you seen the truck commercials featuring the little garden gnome? He reminds me a little of Wagner....

oh my. i'm glad he can't read that

LOL I certainly meant no insult. In fact, I'm a tad critical of it. I mean, they'd better not be making fun of The Great Wagner!

Keep up the great work!

Tess

From: Jessica S.
Date: Mon, 12 Mar 2001
Subject: RE: [p]oops-a-daisy

To My new found friend @ deuce of clubs (the coolest website online)

thank you so much for putting my stuff up on your absolutely awesome site. i'll keep my eyes open for any of your gimmes.

thanks again,
jess

Date: Sat, 10 Mar 2001
From: Rogers Cadenhead
Subject: Officer Ugg lives

I read a story on CNN this evening about how Officer Ugg is no longer around.

I found your Web sites pretty quickly, which made me feel good,

it makes me feel good, too -- sometimes i forget what i put up there and it takes an e-mail to remind me.

because Ugg will never be gone as long as he lives on in the hearts of children. Or something like that.

The Officer Ugg Poison Patrol was registered as a trademark in 1975 by the Rocky Mountain Poison Foundation. The trademark was cancelled in 1985 because the group did not renew it. I suspect that Ugg's well-publicized battle with percodan addiction hurt his credibility as an anti-poison cartoon character.

Rogers Cadenhead

but could his addiction not give him new career cred -- as an actor? i look for officer ugg to begin cameo appearances on friends soon. or maybe ally mcbeal.

From: Robert M.
Subject: The Booth, Russia, and Cherry Flavored Ratfinks
Date: Thu, 22 Feb 2001

Hi,

I'm the one who sent you the items from Russia (and sorry about the mix up of who was on the pin... remember that there was a reason I failed that class lol).

I'm enjoying the pieces of the booth. I didn't make earrings like you suggested... I didn't have anything to wear them with! I have them in a frame on the wall next to the last molt that my pet tarantula, Natasha, went through. Both have been placed on velvet... I call it "Still life with Booth and Exo-Skeleton.

The main reason I was writing was to find out how you were coming along with your Cherry Clan search. I figure it had to be hard, since Ferrara Pan changed the name, and didn't bother to tell anyone.

Apparently those little Asian Cherries ratted out someone (the Chinese Mafia?), and had to be placed in the Witness Protection Program. You can find them as part of the "Head-liners" as Cherryhead. They're in a pink and red box, complete with a new mascot that's more along the lines of the classic Lemonhead mascot.

Alas... They've gone politically correct.

it is a sad, pensive time for us all.

Date: Thu, 22 Feb 2001
From: Juan
Subject: PeeMo in the Grammies?

Hiya Doc,

Did you see the Grammies? Because Macy Gray's backup singers & band were dressed in what seemed to be an almost exact duplicate of yr. PeeMo costume. (Pink wigs instead of blue. But still.)

All's well over here. My best to you and the statue.

Cheers,
Juan

From: Jesse
Subject: get paid to have sex in your home!!!
Date: Mon, 19 Feb 2001

deuce@86deuceofclubs86.com,

you rang?

First of all, I would like to express my appreciation for your site. I am the depths of a hermetic brain deadening cabin fever sort of winter. Exploring your site, with it's art car Southwestern road trip burning man stripper mojave phone booth oeuvre, has taken the edge off.

gratified to hear it. as gutman would say, "good of you to share it."

Now down to brass tacks, regarding Officer Ugh. University of Wisconsin Hospital and Clinics, ran a similar campaign during my childhood. At school we children were handed sheets of stickers with a grimacing, green, pre-vomit, tongue hanging out, non smiley face - and a phone # to a poison help line. We were to hand these to our mothers who would then affix them to the toxic chemicals under the kitchen and bathroom sinks. I have always had a strange attraction to this character, who was named MR. YUCK! My chemical experiments felt that much more potent when I poured in a slug of MR YUCK!

I embarked on my own search to unearth MR. YUCK! who had disappeared from the scene by my teens. I have been successful in my quest, I am glad to report, but will be damned if I am going to part with my long lost friend.

i understand completely. officer ugh & i will probably be buried together.

I would however be happy to scan him to share him with the world. It will take at least a couple of weeks to make this happen, though.

regards,
Jesse

Mr Yuck is copyright 1972

Date: Sat, 17 Feb 2001
Subject: Tinklebell Authentic Fairy's Toilet
From: The Dread Faerie Empress Queen

Good morning!

I got a good laugh at the book of the week this morning, especially the authentic fairy toilet! LOL

"There is very little in the way of research about where fairies go -- in fact, there is a rumour that they don't go at all." Apparently, the author neglected to consult the Dread Faerie Empress Queen. I assure you, we do. But like all of the other mysterious things about the faerie realm, we cannot reveal any details. :-)

See ya later,
The Dread Faerie Empress Queen

Date: Mon, 12 Feb 2001
From: Melinda
Subject: say the word...

i heard somebody say "deuce" in a complete sentence today in random conversation. he said "they're taking the deuce-and-a-half to bakersfield." i don't believe i'd ever actually heard someone say the word conversationally, unless you count granny saying "what the deuce..." every now & again

From: Ian
Date: Fri, 09 Feb 2001
Subject: Booth glass

Hey,

I'll give you a portion of my dead cat for a piece o'the booth

what do you think this is, ian -- rubin & ed???

I forgot to add in a few key words

like "cremated" and "ashes"

AND THAT'S SUPPOSED TO HELP?!?

From: Ian
Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2001
Subject: Booth glass oops

Well........you can add water to it, instant cat

ah. i hadn't thought of it that way.

wish i still hadn't.

From: John M.
Subject: Letters on mountains
Date: Thu, 1 Feb 2001

Here's the answer to why are there letters on mountains, and why the phone booth was removed before I got to see it.

I didn't do this, this stuff just shows up around Dayton Oh.

uh-huh. whatever you say, john.

From: The Dread Empress Faerie Queen
Subject: A Haiku 4 U
Date: Thu, 1 Feb 2001

How cruel fate can be
The noon hour bites big time now
I miss your bald head

[Back when I had a job -- that is, up until last week -- I often dined with the Dread Empress Faerie Queen.]

From: Nolan
Subject: Why Die?
Date: Wed, 31 Jan 2001

Followed your link to the Living on Light at Amazon. This (and Four Non-Blondes) is proof that you can put absolutely anything on paper (or to music) and it someone will market it for you.

really? where do i sign up?

BTW, did you happen to see the related entry suggested by the Amazon.com engine? It's titled, Why Die? A Beginner's Guide to Living Forever. A couple of questions come to mind right away. First, what's the difference between the beginner immortal and the intermediate or even advanced immortal? Isn't achieving immortality like turning on a light? Once you've done it, aren't you the Grand Master Of All Time (no pun intended)?. Secondly (and this is not really a question unless at the end I add, 'wouldn't you agree?'), I have realized that this is THE perfect marketing ploy. As long as your alive, you can claim that you are living proof of the correctness of your theory or theories. Once you die (or if you die), you're, um, how do I say this, beyond reproach, to say the least. Well, at least from those who paid money for your book. If this is the author's strategy, ol' Herb better hope there's not an afterlife where one gets to exact revenge on those who saw one comin'.

sorry, i got lost in reverie, there...

From: Patsy D.
Subject: Still loving your web site
Date: Mon, 29 Jan 2001

Hi,

I always get the most interesting information from your site!

new slogan:
"deuceofclubs.com -- your #1 news source for stuff most people don't care about!"

Just heard about the split in Giant Rock and knew you would have a photo! (news travels slow here in Georgia) I really miss the desert, so keep us informed on what is happening out there. By the way, I haven't received any email notices lately so if I'm not still on the list, please add me again.

i haven't been sending them out lately. slacking. actually, moving, so i'm pretty busy. i should send out a notice just to let people know i'm still alive...

Thanks,
Patsy
Georgia (only thing going on here is constantly snarled traffic and fights over the flag)

new slogan:
"georgia -- at least we're not florida"

From: Mean Earl
Subject: Monticello's Reply to My 666 Query
Date: Mon, 22 Jan 2001

Just got this note. I nearly deleted it unopened as probable SPAM. They must be operating on a really low budget if they have to send their official corporate mail through AOL with no mention of their company name in the message header.

Anyway, "Mary" didn't answer all of the questions I put into my original message but at least we know that the products are going to be around in the future.

BTW, that pernicious chemical that the FDA was trying to get rid of is "Phenylpropanolamine" or better known as just PPA.

---------------------- Forwarded Message: ---------------------
From: Mary
Subject: Re: Product Change ?
Date: Mon, 22 Jan 2001

Thank you for your question regarding our 666 Cold product. I am happy to tell you our reformulated 666 Cold Preparation is now back and available to retail stores. We just filled a very large order for our 666 Liquid oz. for Walgreen last week, so the stores should have it available within the next few weeks.

If we can be any further assistance to you please feel free to contact our web site or call us at 1-800-735-0666.

Mary L - Customer Relations.

From: Nancy D.
Subject: Wagner Zentral
Date: Thu, 25 Jan 2001

Dear Deuce:

Last night I surfed into your Wagner Zentral site from a Wagner link!

At first i thought, what the?, then got into die Meister's various jour- neys and escapades. Couple of times I laughed out loud, it was so much fun, especially where he got into the marshmallow roast at the Burning Man festival, his valkyrie flaunting it, and the Donner Pass stop-over.

that valkyrie moment was one of the highlights of wagner's tiny little life.
that is to say, his monumental, huge, big, really important life.
(whew.)

Man, what a site you have, it amazes me how well you do it, art cars and die Meister! And I love both........keep up the good work!!!!!

anyhoo, best wishes for another hot Burning Man fest, and funky site.

Sincerely yours,
Nancy P.

P.S. Sorry Meister met his Gotterdammerung!

oh, but he's still very much with me (or, as he says, "ich lebe noch!")

From: wild one
Date: Wed, 24 Jan 2001

hello. i was checking out your new items. i wish more things in life were impervious to wind, motion, or tilt. its the tilt that really gets me steamed.

not me -- we're all about the tilt here at deuce of clubs.

Date: Sun, 21 Jan 2001
From: Melinda
Subject: why did this happen to me?

i am laughing my ass off.

(appropriately enough)

did you notice that the top says "OUTBOUND INSPECTIONS"? is that *real*?! that is unbelievable.

it's real. i was going to comment on that, but then it seemed superfluous. guess i was right!

what does it say on the inside?

just a buncha horsecrap about why we should be grateful that they're our "line of defense."

dumbasses

grateful?! maybe the author should have a cavity search, then report back to us on how grateful we should really be for their "defense".

From: Donn
Subject: Info about 666 products
Date: Sat, 20 Jan 2001

Great site for weirdos like me. Rave on.

What was I going to say ?. . . oh, yeah . . . I've been using 666 cough medicine since I was a kid back in Alabama and it's a fine product. Not widely known but a good, inexpensive product. Well, I went into one of the Walgreen's stores today to pick up a bottle and there were none there. I asked one of the pharmacists and he said that the 666 products were pulled in that latest FDA purge (to get rid of products which contained p-p-p, whatever in hell that is) and he didn't know if they'd be back. I sent a note to Monticello to ask about this but I haven't gotten an answer yet.

wow, keep us posted -- hadn't heard anything about that.

From: GroovyJane
Date Fri, 19 Jan 2001

hehehe - scored 58% on the Celebresemblities.

that's pretty impressive! i can't seem to detect even the remotest celeb resemblance for most of them.

i love it - are you going to add more, er, bachelorettes?

i think it might be too painful.
then again, maybe i should keep adding until someone complains...

Date: Tue, 16 Jan 2001
From: Robert
Subject: Sainkho / short question

Hello there

We are working on a new CD release called "Desert lounch". We would like to use a voice sample (around 15 seconds) of Sainkho out of the track "Tanola Nomads". Her name will be in the booklet and worldwide distributed. Who can discuss this with me?

Cheers
Robert

i believe amy grant is just the person to discuss it with you.

regards,
doc

Date: Thu, 18 Jan 2001
From: Robert
To: Amy Grant
Subject: [Fwd Re Sainkho / short question]

Hello Amy

Can we discuss this (below) with you? If yes, what do you need to know in order to name the charge area?

Regards
Robert

Hi, Robert!

:)

It's me, religous recording star Amy Grant. I don't know from "Sainkho," but it seems to me that if you want permission regarding "Sainkho," you should talk to "Sainkho."

I'd be the one to talk to if you wanted to sample the Mandible.

(And get your mind out of the gutter.)

Amy
:)

From: Hypnagogue
Date: Mon, 8 Jan 2001
Subject: In-Deuced Dream

I had a dream last night that I was in traffic and I had to stop because there was a large white teddy bear blocking the lane in front of me. Then a strapping silver-haired gent, perhaps in his well-preserved late-60s and possibly dressed all in white a la Mr. Clean, appeared to rescue the bear. I took a photo of his heroic deed and offered to send him a copy. He gave me his business card and some part of the information referenced "Deuce of Clubs." I exclaimed, "Hey, that's my friend's website!" He nodded agreeably but was obviously vague on the concept of websites. Have you bought ad space in my head?

yes. and i got it cheap, because you are obviously INSANE!!

i had a dream the other night that i was at a thrift store & found a whole box of whipped cream records, but then this old woman grabbed the box and insisted that she had the right to go through it first to see whether there was anything she wanted... i think this dream may have stemmed from two incidents in my past:

1) at the vnsa booksale years ago, i picked up some religious book and was looking at the cover, and a sweet little old lady yanked it from my hand and shot me a challenging grimace. i withdrew.

2) at the scottsdale salvation army store i was waiting in line to pay when an overdressed older woman began going through my things and commenting on them. turned out to be acquanetta herself!

From: Nolan C.
Subject: Ghost Scent
Date: Fri, 22 Dec 2000

Hey,

What's up with the camouflaged (reasonably certain I spelled that correctly) packaging for Ghost Scent?

prevents the ghosts from seeing it on the supermarket shelves, maybe?

Secondly, and more importantly, I know that the 666 product's name is the one most blatantly able to garner attention (They named it WHAT?!?), but what about the names of their other products? Black Draught? Ghost Scent? Am I the only one who sees a pattern here?

Please advise.

well, the president of the company himself noted the appropriateness of the names, didn't he? he also said something about "bowl-buster," which i don't really want to discuss.

From: john
Subject: About Deuce

Hi Deuce

one question... because I'm not from the States. What means Deuce

it means "two."

and when do you use this word in your Country?

most people: almost never. in tennis. in card games. sometimes it refers to a two-dollar bill.

Date: Tue, 12 Dec 2000
From: Jim Wheat
Subject: Caskets on Parade

Uh, do I have to be dead to visit the museum?

no, but -- everyone, now -- "it helps."

Date: Sat, 09 Dec 2000
From: titanium
Subject: Re: TINA!!!

i was so excited about tina, that when i went to type your address i first typed, "tina yothers@" then realized that i was goofing up.

maybe that's how i end up with so much amy grant e-mail...

i have this to say about tina: she is hot, despite the fact that she wears entirely too much make up.

actually, now i'm wondering if i think she's hot now only because she was so very hideous as a child. hmmmm...

or maybe because she wears so much makeup.

Date: Sat, 9 Dec 2000
From: jennifer
Subject: socal fun

hi there.

i appreciate your appreciation of southern california. so i am wondering if there was some vacation guide that advised your route, or what. i am looking to do a similar trek in the near future, but am having a hard time finding information about routes and places to stay, etc.

any guidance?

your pal,
jen

nope. just stuff i dug up or friends thought i'd dig ... but glad to help, if you have questions about specific places.

Date: Thu, 12 Oct 2000
From: Brody Culpepper
Subject: Cardspotting?

IS that a deuce of clubs on the poker table? My eyes aren't good, and the monitor I have is crappy

no, but it's a deuce of clubs on the chair.

Just keepin' an eye out.
- Brody.

Date: Thu, 07 Dec 2000
From: cardhouse robot

STEP RIGHT THIS WAY, FOLKS!

SEE the most amazing COMPUTER IMAGE FOR THE SECRET MUSEUM OF MANKIND

NO EXPENSE was spared in capturing this BIZARRE SEPIA-TONE IMAGE which caused a LARGE PORTION of the teeny-tiny type to DROP OUT even on the ORIGINAL PAPER

We have VERIFIED by LOUPE and FLUORESCENT LIGHT that every nuance of the original image has been CAPTURED by our DEDICATED STAFF

Also please note that there are three other avertisements on this page with the same street address, 70 firth ave. They each have different departments - the other three ads are all for "Harvest House" (reduce fat, appear at once taller, beautify your form ["bust faults"]), and they have an "H" as the prefix, whereas the Metro one does not (Dept 6707).

Oh, also! Duh. Keen Magazine, July 1942. THERE'S A WAR ON, SOLDIER!

Date: Mon, 4 Dec 2000
From: Vickie D.
Subject: Fearless Cultural Mania!!!

Hi Deuce!

That describes that section perfectly!!! So much fun crap exists in the world, waiting for you to bring it out to the public's view. :)

Hope all is going well with you and yours.
Vickie

Date: Mon, 4 Dec 2000
From: Melinda
Subject: RE YAY!!!! bless you.

four words:
book of the weak.

thought you might enjoy the summary

Date: Wed, 29 Nov 2000
From: Juan M.
Subject: Hi!

Ja, hi!

Fantastic stuff as usual and enjoying it all very much. As usual. Not much to say, really, but am wishing you well in your search for sinecure.

Also: I got all the Celebresemblities wrong.

Cheers,
Juan

PS - My best to the statue.

Date: Sun, 26 Nov 2000
From: Andria
Subject: x-files

The X-Files just came on and while the location said "Utah", the opening scene was very much a phone booth in the desert w/ joshua trees in the background.

The opening shot was really eerie, actually, and looked so specifically like the MDPB. (Oh, I don't know. Maybe a phone booth in the desert always looks like a phone booth in the desert. What do I know?) It was a nighttime shot with REALLY obvious joshua trees all over the place in the background. And then for the "location" on the screen it said somewhere in the middle of Utah.

I actually PULLED OUT THE ATLAS to see where this county and town were in Utah because I really didn't think there were joshua trees in the middle of Utah.

hmm ... there might be some in southwestern utah, maybe.

Date: Fri, 24 Nov 2000
Subject: Whipped Cream albums
From: Stephanie

Hi,

I just recently discovered your site and am now totally hooked!

just the sort of thing i like to hear

Last night I spent at least 3 hours checking out your phone booth saga, oobi info, etc, etc.

were you at work? on billable time? that is *also* the sort of thing i like to hear

Today while I was out thrift store shopping I happened to discover 2 "Whipped Cream" albums and purchased them immediately with you in mind. Are you still looking for them? I know you have it listed on your Gimme List but I thought I would check first anyway.

Thanks,
Stephanie

i can never have enough whipped cream albums. if you are willing to send them along, i will be more than happy to give them a good home...

Date: Mon, 27 Nov 2000
Subject: Whippie finds a new home!
From: Stephanie

Dearest Doc,

Thank you for agreeing to take my "whipped Cream" offerings. I know you will treat them well. When I told them of their new home they seemed rather upset, that is until I showed them pictures of the Whip it car. Now they appear to be oh so excited (bless their little green hearts) and can't wait to relocate to be near you.

Forever grateful,
Stephanie

Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2000
From: Gavin S.
Subject: What the Deuce?!

"Scottish Spastics" as featured on an envelope in "What the Deuce?!" was a charity set up to aid sufferers of cerebral palsy in Scotland.

Of course in those non-PC days they weren't so sensitive about titles. They now prefer to be called SCOPE and don't care for the term 'spastic' at all.

In 1971 they had their 25th anniversary, also known as a jubilee. The Post Office at the time obviously thought this worthy of an celebration. Hence the postmark.

That the Deuce!

Date: Sun, 12 Nov 2000
From: ladyasaye
Subject: jj where are you and what are you thinking?

jj if this is in fact you listen carefully i will only identify myself by telling you that i am the guy who went with you to your first rollins show a jackie robinson ymca i gave you a mowhawk and i amwondering what kind of crack pipe you found in a street whores crotch which you in turn commenced to smoke find me i am curious concerned and desirous to get to develop a dialogue with you........ now if the individual at the receiving end of this correspondance is lost as to the source of this transcript disregard it.......

believe me, i'll try. but i'm not saying it will be easy...

From: Lokensgard
Subject: Names, CA
Date: Wed, 1 Nov 2000

hey, you STILL have not visited or reported on NAMES CALIFORNIA North of Yuma AZ. Actually North-East of the Center of the World, which IS covered on your excellent site. I have written you instructions previously, including earth coordinates and a satellite photo.

well, what can i say, there are only so many days in the year. but be assured it's on the list

you are really depriving Wagner and Whip-It by not visiting and reporting this VERY interesting place.

wag's in chicago at the moment. whip it!'s still in san jose and has little prospect of emerging from there any time soon, it would seem...

Oh well, it's up to you, but, well, it's kinda cool and (font shrinks) you'd really enjoy it and (font shrinks some more) it's winter, so it wouldn't be too hot and (font shrinks more) its' southeast of the big cinder cone along the side of a big wash and (font shrinks to nothing) there are hundreds of names and dates going back to the 80s laid out in the hillsides in volcanic rock and ......erk

Date: Sun, 29 Oct 2000
From: medusa
To: Damn Good Coffee

now doesn't that make *you* want a good punny epitaph? like, "here lies godfrey, who once wore a pee-wee herman costume that he practically got free, and investigated cough syrups that appeared to be god-free, i wish instead of one godfrey we had got three."

heheh, i suck.

but it is totally weird that we watched tombstone on the same night, i forgot to reply to that one. IT'S LIKE KARMA, DUDE.

From: DudeInSF4U
Date: Wed, 18 Oct 2000
Subject: You're Linked At Weird Links

"Discovered" your site and loved it. Went through all the adventures you've had, Phone Booth, Salton Sea, the burlesque site, etc. It was great. Enjoyed your stuff. Put a link to you on the main page one for the sad phone booth news, and you get a permanent spot on the favorites (under weird chick screaming Oh my gawd) on right side. Thanks for a fun experience!

From: Zabman
Subject das Telefon
Date Tue, 17 Oct 2000

Hi!

Congrats on getting your new phonebooth phone :-)

P.S. any of those calendars left? I'm unable to find 365 tiny reunified germanys (winzige wiedervereinigte Deutschlands) anywhere else ;-)

From: Kristy
Subject: I found the 666 cough preperation
Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2000

I wouldn't even have noticed it if I hadn't seen your site on the cough syrup a few months ago, but I was restocking shelves at the Walgreens pharmacy where I work when I spotted the 666 cold preperation. You'll be happy to know that they now have a new and improved taste. You said you had never seen any more of it so I thought I'd let you know that it can be found at Walgreens on Capitol drive and highway J in Pewaukee, Wisconsin.

From: Neil
Subject: Randum
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 2000

Randsmart the new chain mining discount warehouse..er.no. Not really.

Driving through Randsburg on our way to BM this year, (we broke down in Kramer Junct and had to stop for water often) there was a huge ether smell, fading into a rotton egg smell. Probably a methlab, but funny thing was it seemed to be coming from "The Joint" which is an old nicotine bar in town center. Reading your Buzzard Tree article I was as I always am, impressed by your powers of observation. However I met that same old Brit Alex last year while I was bicycling down the coast, and he told me I was weird..or rather that my bike was weird or something. Dude was jrunk at the time. He rode through Syria on that old worn out Huffy bike and tattered Kmart tent. An amazing guy.

Date: Sun, 1 Oct 2000
Subject: My Mystery Castle
From: judith t.

After 20 years in Phx I finally took a trip to The Mystery Castle...why oh why did I wait so long?! What a great afternoon! Anyway after heading back home I just had to find out all I could about the Gulley family and came upon your website.

THNX
Jude

Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2000
From: Ken Layne
Subject: late as always ...

Deuce --

First saw yr site about 15 months ago, and some bad event or another caused me to look at something else and suffer the standard senility. Found it again by accident the other day, spent most of the afternoon reading. Brilliant and wonderful stuff.

And that's that. Wrote a brief tribute to the Phone Booth section, which you can read if you like.

Cheers,
Ken Layne

Date: Thu, 21 Sep 2000
From: Miss Trixie
Subject: Hmmm...

I guess you've answered that age old question:

If a tree falls in the desert, does it make a sound?

actually, we have answered the question, "If a succulent falls in the desert, does it make a sound?"

as for trees, well, i don't know from trees.

The answer is yes. Now if we only knew which came first? The egg or the chicken!

the answer is: the chicken.
you're welcome.

Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2000
From: onion

ah, my compliments to the buzzard tree incident. i think you're the only person on the planet that would be able to pull it off with such elegance.

From: Laura
Date: Tue, 19 Sep 2000

You parked under the buzzard tree! Spot is becoming a regular on your site!!

I'll be in Phoenix this weekend, but I'm not gonna call you.

Date: Tue, 19 Sep 2000
From: Burf

for the most part, i thought it was one the best updates i've ever seen on yer site. the part where you discovered the truck in the morning -- i laughed my ass off!

something about that just hit me the right way, man. laughing out loud, i snorted, my eyes teared up

it was like an endorphin rush afterward

how cool it was that you heard the cactus keel over -- what were the chances?

slim 2 none

and a tortoise! a wild frickin' animal! dude, if that thing weren't federally protected you'd have a new pet!

Date: Tue, 19 Sep 2000
From: Jessica

I laughed til I cried over the Buzzard Tree ("You parked under the Buzzard Tree!"). I'm still reading it, actually. Every page has some piece of utter brilliance!

Now to peruse the other new offerings...

From: Felicia
Date: Tue, 19 Sep 2000

You parked under the Buzzard Tree!

I'm weeping with laughter...right here at my desk. I thank you.

Felicia

for the first time, Deuce is somehow inspiring tears...

Date: Tue, 19 Sep 2000
From: Tony

Don't let your buzzard poop on my car, unless you want me to poop on yours

If you want a really good story, next time CAMP under The Buzzard Tree....

From: ex.plor
Subject: Book you reviewed on February 8, 1999
Date: Mon, 18 Sep 2000

Dear Sir/Madam,

Your book review from February 8, 1999 dealt with Invisibility, by Steve Richards. It happens that this book is out-of-print and quite difficult to find, and I am looking for a copy of it (I know your review was very negative, but I am just curious to read it).

As you didn't like this book, is it possible that I buy it from you ? I have been looking for this book for a while, and I would REALLY appreciate your help. Thank you.

anything's possible. we sold Astrology and Horse Racing, after all.

From: Courtney G.
Date: Mon, 18 Sep 2000

New headquarters? Congratulations! You'll be the best Grumpy Land Baron ever. Why don't you throw a little Airstream on your spread? I'll help you find one if you want.

Date: Thu, 14 Sep 2000
Subject: G Rollin'
From: Sailor Jerry

Greetings!

Rolling down the highway, when this appeared beside me.

Thought you might like to know.

From: will g.
Subject: salma delights!
Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2000

hi there deuce ...

last year, we almost made it to the phone booth in august, and i probably would have met you then, but alas, our convertable got stuck in the sand and our paths did not cross (and sadly, i did not get to see it before it was dismantled). anyway, i didn't write to lament about the booth.

you probably already know, but if you didn't, i'm happy to write you that i stumbled on pictures of salma hayek dressed up, er whipped up, like on mr albert's album cover. naturally, i thought of you. you can find the pics here

hope that you find them of some use, and if not, then please delete the message, and i will not mention it again.

keep on keepin' on and whatnot

From: Robert Snoza
Subject: Deuce sighting
Date: Sun, 10 Sep 2000

Hi,

There is a morgan stanley/ dean whitter television commercial that features a Deuce of Clubs. I have no captured screen shot... but you can find it if you have 'las ganas de ver El Dos de Trebol'.

Subject investing dough in the markets.

Venue Three- card- monte shark is tricking "investors" out of their dough on Wall street.

The card Shows itself in the last scene as a suited broker- type "chooses un- wisely". Another fifty down the toilet! Hee hee.

deuceofclubs.com is quite extensive... therefore I have not seen all of your adventures. I did, however, enjoy what time I could spend. I'll visit you again in the future (on the web, that is). Thanks!

de nada.

(a piece of the Booth to the first person who sends us a tape of the commercial, so we can make captures)

From: Jeffrey M.
Subject: Fascinating stuff!
Date: Mon, 11 Sep 2000

Deuce!

I very much enjoy exploring your site(s). I discovered your phone booth site last spring quite accidentally. I'm saddened by the draconian removal of the booth, but I'm finding a tiny bit of solace in the fact that I took time to call the booth a few months ago. A fellow from San Francisco answered and we spoke for a few minutes. I will continue to enjoy Deuce of Clubs. Thanks.

PS. I also made the same hike up Superstition mountain with my fiancé in spring of 1995! Its a great spot. I enjoyed your account of Wagner's expedition which brought back good times for me.

From: Rob C.
Subject: Burning Man Post-participitory depression
Date: Mon, 11 Sep 2000

So, are you in a non-participitory funk?

not at all. i'm preparing documentation of what we did instead.

I heard there were 5 phone booths there this year. You are a freaking legend.

Date: Thu, 7 Sep 2000
From: aristeia
Subject: onion = funny = deuce

[from the onion:]

HERNDON, VA--The record collection of area parents Donald and Peggy Schnell is "totally hilarious," son Andrew Schnell, 16, reported Monday.

"Dude, check this one out," Andrew told friend Ben Witt, holding a copy of the Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass LP Whipped Cream & Other Delights. "Is that the funniest thing you've ever seen, or what?"

Date: Sun, 03 Sep 2000
From: jackie
Subject: hello

the site looks good. i enjoyed the journal, rambling section. i doubt you look like michael stipe.

interesting FBI - email reading article... it was the bomb!

hehe

Date: Fri, 08 Sep 2000
From: jackie
Subject: translation

Up all night after the cat shoot. Here's what i've got:

It is difficult to cut a sitting bowl (or eternity)
It is difficult to bribe a lover of smiles
It is difficult to pierce a pomengranate
But all kinds from sound
Speak loudly
Nine undertake to exist.

well, it slowed down a bit toward the end, but i got it, man! i really got the message!

you got a message, that's for sure...