Deuce

The Osmonds and Their Favorite Planet

(& it ain't our planet)
This has to be one of the strangest albums MGM Records ever committed to vinyl. Maybe MGM should have committed the Osmonds instead.
But they didn't, and the result is this album. Which is all about the Mormon way of life. Which has something to do with a place called Kolob. What, am I making this up? Nope. The album's inner sleeve refers the thoughtful listener to Abraham 3:3-16 in the Mormon book called Pearl of Great Price. I'll save you the trouble of calling that number from the Mormon commercial infesting the airwaves lately, offering you a free Book of Mormon. (Believe me, you DON'T want to get on their mailing list.) And actually, I don't know if they'll send you Pearl of Great Price anyway. But here's the passage the Osmonds want you to take to heart.

Here's the inner sleeve. ("This planet could be yours...!") The record itself was released by MGM, but in association with Kolob Records. It was recorded at Kolob Studios. Might've been recorded on Kolob, for all we know. All I know is that the Osmonds think a lot of the place.

Below is the album's gatefold illustration. I couldn't scan it all in one piece, so I've turned it into a lovely tryptich. It depicts the Mormon process of becoming God. If you're a good Mormon, you get your own planet. Part of the process evidently involves becoming an air traffic controller (middle image). The progression seems to go something like: you are born; you say your prayers; you study the Book of Mormon until a large horned owl (Killer Bob?) lands on your head; you meet your eternal spouse at a touchy-feely encounter group session; attend air-traffic school; you are fruitful & multiply; you take two aspirins and go fishing until you are zapped to your very own planet.

The inscription in the upper right corner (barely visible in the image) is a famous (well, among Mormons, anyway) encapsulation of the Mormon religion by the famous (ditto) Mormon Lorenzo Snow. It goes like this: "As man is, God once was; as God is, man may become."

Anyone who believes that belongs on another planet.

Oh yeah...the music. Well, it's not like any Osmonds songs you've ever heard--it must have been their Hendrix period. (Sounds great at 45 rpm, though!)
(See also TOP SECRET Osmond robot story)
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