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From: Sheryl Schroeder
Subject: OH MAAAAN!!!!!!!! Your website...it rocked my world!
Date: Tue, 13 Jan 2004

Hello there!
Greetings!
Where do I start??? Let me first introduce myself. My name is Sheryl Schroeder. I live in Santa Barbara. I am an artist and bartender and all around goof ball. Whilst surfing the web last night, I came across your website and was literally glued, wide eyed and hungry to my computer there for 5 hours! Deuceofclubs fucking RRROCKS! I cannot believe all the stuff contained therein! It's friggin' crazy!!! The art car story killed me. I met Harrod Blank about 10 years ago at UCSB when he screened one of his art car films. I have been wanting to do an art car from the time I was about 11 years old. Honestly, I can't believe I haven't done one yet! Your Whip It! car is brilliant! I LOVE IT! (I have never been to Burning Man, oddly enough, but I have been associated with the Cacophony Society for many years now. It's a bloody miracle I never made it out to Black Rock Desert. Sheesh! There must be art vehicles galore out there.)

The Deadbolt story killed me too, because I am very good friends with those guys, particularly Harley. In fact, thinking back now, that is how I FOUND your site. I was searching on Google and I typed in Deadbolt, and I found your story, read it, and was held captive by the rest of your site. Deadbolt has got to be my favorite band in the world, or at least right up there in the top 5. I LOVE them. I have seen them so many times, in so many cities, I cannot count. Plus they live in San Diego, my good ol' home town, only a few blocks away from my grandma's house. They are my favorite band to see live, and my favorite guys to party and talk shit with. I just LOVE those guys. They are so much fun. Keeping music FUN and interesting. Thank GOD!!!

Your products page with all the wacky packaging on it was great. I like the "pussy" incense! and the "I love my rack" . Geez! Where did you FIND all that stuff! You have FAR FAR too much time on your hands....heh.heh.

So you are from Tempe? Have you been down to Bisbee at all? I was just there last summer to drive around the whole state of Arizona and I stayed at the Shady Dell trailer park. Truly wonderful. I am a big huge vintage car and trailer fan. I drive a 1965 Plymouth Sport Fury convertable and I am restoring a 1958 12 foot hambox Dexter travel trailer.

Well, I have one word for you: AMAZING.

Your site is amazing. I really am impressed. I have a website for my art, please check it out.

nice stuff -- i like the deadbolt posters, of course, and my favorite painting was this one. partial to saguaro, don't you know. i plan to name every one of mine and photograph and measure them yearly, as if they were children.

Drop me a line if you can. I am now a friend and fan O' yours.

Cheers!
~Sheryl Schroeder

many thanks for all your kind words.

From: Erik
Date: Sun, 11 Jan 2004
Subject: 666 Carol

Hey..read all the stuff on 666. I have this old paddle that is an advertisement for 666 cold medicine. On it there is a baby sitting on a branch with some singing birds. The baby has in his hands some sheet music he is singing from. On the outside the title of the piece is "666 Carol"

i know the one you mean. i have a few 666 fans, including that one.

I dont know if I want to know what a 666 Carol sounds like...

i'll bet anton lavey would have known. or maybe he knows now.

Yeah...in Hell. Haha. Have you ever heard Antons album "Satan Takes A Holiday"? Its fantastic.

i have, indeed.

Maybe the cough syrup guys could use something off it for a jingle

it would perhaps require facing something they might rather not face.

From: GT
Subject: How many times do I have to tell you: "Screwdriver not engine plug"
Date: Sat, 10 Jan 2004

Doc, is this any way to treat a gift from a friend?

i take the phrase "all-purpose screwdriver" seriously.

From: Jeri G.
Subject: Great Site!
Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2004

eGreetings,

Thank you for your informative site! Sorry for the interruption.

I am a new webmaster and was wondering... How does a person find out if someone is linking to images on your site?

I apologize if you have this information posted and I missed it.

Kind Regards,
Jeri

what you need to do is talk to whoever is hosting your sites. they should be able to provide you with webstats. what you're looking for is usually called the "referrer log." these vary in detail and quality, but from this log you should be able to follow links and see whether people are direct linking your images.

Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2004
From: Felicia
Subject: Wasn't there...

at one time a link to view our vows?

there was. or maybe there wasn't -- i think that scan was part of another story, & maybe i forgot to link it. i should look into that. for, y'know, posterity's sake. [found it.]

Obviously a lot of work getting done here...Felt like reminiscing about the good ol' days and when I'm in this mood, I peruse your site. Isn't it strange that peruse can mean both a cursory glance AND an in depth examination? The English language is a tricky business.

i'll say. try looking up cleave sometime. maybe today -- why work, after all?

I am looking up cleave right now, of course. And now I will have to research the etymology of words with opposite uses and meanings. Goodbye job!

that would be a cool job.
also, flammable / inflammable

Had my first big snow last weekend. Five inches of pure bliss for my dog, Java aka Jason Priestley.

should feel right at home. weren't those 90210 kids from minnesota originally, after all?

I believe they were...not that I ever watched that show.

no, no, of course not. um, me neither!

From: MARK PARRISH
Subject: capstone
Date: Sun, 4 Jan 2004

Hi asshole, your pathetic website about capstone is proof you're a manic idiot! What's

the matter, mad? My father was the architect for that building, you fucking idiot! If

you don't like it then go fuck yourself from me, my dad, and the entire Hunt family!

why don't you email me your phone number you fucking moron , lets meet for coffee

somewhere and we will see who the real man is, you jack off! Fuck you and your whole

life! Don't just sit there snickering you bastard, e-mail me back you pussy !

To: MARK PARRISH
Subject: fucking my "whole life"
Date: Sun, 4 Jan 2004

dear mark parrish,

you wouldn't happen to be mark parrish the hockey player, would you? because you write very much as i would imagine a hockey player would. but gee, it's nice that you're proud of your father. and how proud he must be of an articulate son such as you. and i'm sure the hunts, both dead and living (if any) appreciate your earnest sputterings on their behalf.

many thanks for one of the silliest emails i've received in a long while.

hochste lust!
doc

p.s. -- thanks also for sending me the identical email twice. boy howdy, now i guess you've REALLY told me! ouch!

From: MARK PARRISH
Subject: capstone
Date: Sun, 4 Jan 2004

p.s.? p.s. what?


From: sue flokey
Subject: whipped cream
Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2003

well lookie here what i found... a nice little purse.... someone wanted 50 - 60 bucks for this leetle purse... hmmm....


From: Joseph S.
Subject: Kon Tiki Hotel
Date: Sun, 28 Dec 2003

Hi there, it was so cool to see the photo of the Kon Tiki hotel on your site. I actually stayed there back in June '90, just stumbled on it while driving down Van Buren. Any chance you know where I might find a postcard?????

as a kid, i used to beg to stay at the kon tiki when we visited phoenix. but it was considered to be too expensive. so we always stayed at the low-budget tahiti inn up van buren a few blocks. i don't see any kon tiki postcards on ebay at the moment, but there are a few kon tiki mugs listed...

Doc, did you take that photo? Pretty good shot.

gracias. it's an oldie.

I did find some Museum in Phoenix that has a book on the Tiki culture, they told me it has a photo of a Postcard from the Kon Tiki.

what tiki book? funny if it were sven's.

BTW, is the Tahiti Inn still around?????

afraid not. it disappeared quite a few years ago.

Here in Albuq. we're slowly losing all our old Rt. 66 Hotels from the 40's and 50's to Fires, or the City will shut them down for being a Hotbed for crime and have them condemned!

that's what has happened along van buren, as well. it was once part of route 60, but is now a fairly seedy hangout for prostitutes & such.

BTW, I've seen all those motels along Van Buren go away. Every year I go to the races at Firebird, I try to stop at Bill Johnson's, and I see a new parking lot every year!


From: Eric Popowski
Subject: The Varmints and Crow Hunters Bible [sic; see The Varmint and Crow Hunter's Bible]
Date: Sun, 21 Dec 2003

Dear Sir,
Maybe I shouldn't care so much about your comments on Bert Popowski's book,

(probably not -- it's a humor site, after all.)

but I thought I would drop you a line. His comments in this book about a Ubangi "lip-shelf" or the fat lip that a great fighter could produce in his opponent may have appeared, at first blush, to be "ignorant racial commentary". A little homework would reveal that the Ubangi tribe were well known for inserting disks in their lower lip to progressively stretch them to outrageous proportions.

most of us know about ubangi lip plates without doing homework. but it may take homework to know that the word was until recent decades often used as a "polite" synonym for the word *nigger* (see, for example, many films from the 1930s and 1940s). whichever. it still strikes the ear jarringly, but if it doesn't bother you, it doesn't bother you.

You may not agree with Bert's hunting (many times, this was food on the table) and he may or may not have always been gracious in how he phrased things(on the whole, I think he was very respectful. Growing up of Polish descent may have something to do with that) but, he was an educated and fairly well read man. I don't think anything in the quote you provided for this web page was derogatory or "ignorant", but actually well informed. He was a good athlete in his day, a good writer and a hilarious story-teller, even if the story was to his own detriment.

regarding hunting: hunting for sustenance is one thing, but when slaughter is presented gleefully -- especially to the point of showing triumphant poses over dead animals -- that is just foolish. for any bible-toting types out there, you should perhaps reflect on the fact that the only two hunters in the bible are bad characters (nimrod and esau) and that in judaism hunting is banned altogether (for jews, animals are to be slaughtered only with prayer and respect -- in fact, a kosher butcher is not even allowed to let the animal know that it is about to be killed, and must kill the animal with extreme swiftness and as painlessly as possible).

I hope my comments don't come across as a tirade.

not at all. and what the hell ... i like tirades, anyway.

I found your web page as I was looking for info on his books and, as opposed to being angry, I hoped a little info on the man might influence your impression of him, his writing and his book(s).

Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Sincerely,
Eric Popowski (Bert's youngest grandson)


From: Melinda
Subject: we'll bite your ass
Date: Tue, 16 Dec 2003

i don't know how you came across the ass kicking kern county sheriff story, but there was another decal for the K-9 unit that said "we'll bite your ass". i searched for it in the bakersfield californian, but can't find it now.

nice, huh? home sweet home. a more appropriate decal would have been "we'll shoot your ass".

thanks for the tip -- here 'tis:

Date: Fri, 12 Dec 2003
From: babs
Subject: it's like nature's artificial tree, just like grandma used to fabricate

wow, but that tree is wonderful. you can tell, really tell, that stimson lumber cares about trees. and authenticity.


From: JH
Date: Fri, 12 Dec 2003
Subject: David Horowitz

I have looked in vain among the online used booksellers for a copy of Thirty-three Candles, David Horowitz's 1949 autobiography which you feature on your website.

I'm British and am interested in it because my 95-year-old uncle is Harold "Boake" Carter's first cousin. We have learned from your excerpts that Carter played a part in the Guibbory saga and would like to acquire Horowitz's book. Are you able to suggest a possible source?

greetings,

how interesting. it is certainly an endlessly fascinating book, though you are right that it can be difficult to find a copy.

much as i would like to sell mine for some unconscionably exorbitant price, i see that there are currently two copies at bookfinder.

for some reason, they do not appear in the results if you search by the author's name. but if you type "thirty-three candles" into the Title field, you will find one copy for sale from a south african bookseller for $11.33 (USD) and another from your neck of the woods at $26.96.

if you would like to tell me your impressions after you read the book, i would be interested to hear them.

best wishes,
doc

Carter is a puzzling figure. The bulk of what I have found on the net is news to my uncle, who had only heard there was some sort of scandal attached to him in America. In the 1935-36 Hooper Ratings list his nightly CBS newscast was in 13th place nationally, above Bing Crosby and Eddie Cantor. That's pretty big. And yet a few years later CBS dropped him for being too controversial.

Politically he's hard to pin down. He was British, yet a rabid "America First" supporter. On the one hand he evidently supported the Anschluss and thought Mein Kampf was one of the world-changing books, and on the other he was closely involved with Jews like Horowitz and Guibbory. Intriguing.


From: JH
Date: Sat, 27 Dec 2003
Subject: David Horowitz

The copy of Horowitz's book had gone from the London shop, so I bought the one from S. Africa -- it was actually sent from their branch in Israel.

wow. that got to you pretty fast.

You asked me to say what I thought about it -- in a word, mind-blowing.

it truly is one of the strangest stories i've ever read. i think it would make a good subject for a film.

I'm not qualified to judge the scriptural element, and naturally my main focus of interest is on my Uncle's cousin Boake Carter. Especially as [my cousin] knew nothing about Carter's notoriety (though he remembers his mother, and thinks she had some exotic belief connected with the pyramids).

As a religious sceptic I find it hard to understand how highly intelligent people like Carter and Horowitz could fail to suspect there was something fishy about Moses and Aber. Both the latter were clearly gifted people with powerful personalities. But it so often seems to happen that those types take advantage of their disciples' credulity to become sexual predators. Not to mention big spenders of other peoples' money. Yet Carter and Horowitz were so bewitched that they continued to believe after mounting evidence of duplicity.

i've spent quite a lot of my time studying how people are manipulated into seemingly inexplicable behavior (whether cultish, as with the manson outfit, or political, as with national socialism or stalinism), and one sad fact of human affairs always manages to manifest itself, which is that it is in some ways easier to fool very intelligent people than it is to fool ordinary people. the executive leaders of national socialism, for example, tended to be professionals -- doctors, lawyers, holders of doctorates (Ohlendorf is a typical example).

Yes, the credulity of the intelligentsia was a feature of 20th century political movements. One reason I'm suspicious of intellectuals -- or rather people who like to think they are intellectuals.

The picture presented of Carter's personality is revealing. Arrogant and unbalanced are words that spring to mind. My cousin has ordered a 30-page article about him from the Hist. Soc of Pennsylvania, written in fairly recent times by a professor at Louisiana State University. It will be interesting to see if the prof has read Thirty-three Candles.

LSU ... interesting. do you know the professor's name? LSU is strong in Voegelinian studies, and a Voeglinian perspective would be very interesting to read.

The author of the pamphlet on Boake Carter is Prof. David Holbrook Culbert of the LSU History Dept.

Meanwhile thanks so much for putting the excerpts on the net and alerting us to this extraordinary story.

de nada. i wish the book would be republished, so more people could read it. i think the story is worthwhile, instructive, and one hell of a fun read.

From: David
Date: Tue, 09 Dec 2003

Lieber IL D(e)uce und Wagner!

I wanted to tell you that I've really enjoyed exploring your web pages and all the great stuff on them.

muchas gracias y de nada.

I'm a former Arizonan (1968-1990, some of my earliest memories of living in PHX are the "Covered Wagon Trailer Court", that we used to live in, off the Black Canyon Highway, and the St. Simon and Jude Catholic Church that was near by) and I really enjoyed the Arizona (and desert) connection of a lot of the stuff on your site. I saw "The Thing" in 1982 (the year I graduated [Chandler] high school) when my father and I went on a road trip to look at some worthless land that he had bought in El Paso, TX back in the Sixties.

In 1988 or '89, my uncle and I drove up the north side of Mt. Lemmon in his rental *car*. I'd never been up Mt. Lemmon before and I had assumed, based on my map, that there was a decent road to the top of the mountain from that side. After all, I reasoned, there was a ski resort up there. I'm still surprised that we actually made it to the top. We ate at some restaurant up there. We decided to descend, natuerlich, via the Tucson side after that little Abenteuer.

i, too, tried the north approach. once. and only once.

Also, a year or two before I left Arizona for Washington State, I was looking at the San Tan mountains through my binocular from my backyard (pasture) in Chandler. I spied a lonely flag flying atop one of its peaks that I'd never noticed before (I couldn't even make out what kind of flag it was). I developed something of an obsession with the idea climbing up there and checking out that flag. I wanted to stand atop the San Tans like the "Wanderer" in that Casper David Friedrich painting. I attempted it twice with my father, once from the east side and once from the west side of the mountains. In both cases we were overcome by heat and fatigue before we could complete our climb and find that peak and its flag.

press on, would be my urging to you.

Do you remember the Kon Tiki Hotel on Van Buren?

most definitely.

I understand that it's closed now.

unfortunately, yes. not only closed, but demolished.

Does anything of it still exist?

only the spirits of the gangland figures found dead their with their socks (or other items) stuffed into their mouths.

Van Buren was also the site of the infamous state mental hospital. We kids used to say, "you'd better be careful or they're going to send you to something (I can't remember the cross street, was it 24th?) and Van Buren.

yep, 24th & van buren. we used to say the same thing. (it was also where winnie ruth judd did a lot of time.)

Speaking of cross streets, in Lolita Humbert mentions having a fight or argument with Lolita at the corner of, I believe, 7th St. (or maybe 7th Ave.) and something in Phoenix. I don't have my copy handy to check the reference. Best regards to you and Wagner.

hrmm ... have to check with juan, our friendly neighborhood nabokov expert...

juan responded with:

Date: Sat, 10 Jan 2004
From: Juan
Subject: As for the streets, they are parallel

hello doc!

sorry for the late reply: returned from tx a few days back and it's been hectic. has wagner been to that state, by the way?

a number of times. he was even written up in a houston newspaper during one of his visits.

flat and brown and chockfull of rigs and refineries and whataburgers.

it certainly is. me, i need mountains in order to be happy. treeless mountains. ahhhhhh.

this is south-ish, corpus christi/kingsville/san antonio-ish. but it was nice to spend time w/ the folks: we jogged down the shores of padre island (_north_ padre island, which is full of sandlings, gulls, pelicans, not _south_, which is apparently one big drunken party -- we saw beached portuguese men-o-war, translucent and blue w/ a bright pink veiny rim, but that was all).

i have been to only one texas beach, which was galveston, where we got stuck & some guys taunted us & then came back & helped us because (they said) they felt bad for taunting us, but i think it was because they wanted pot in return, of which we had none, to their very vocal regret.

whip it! broke down in san antonio once, & got fixed for free because i promised the owner i would feature him on the site (which i did).

so i forwarded yr query to the nabokov forum. they replied. it's attached. the streets exist, but there has been, it seems, some tinkering w/ the cartography. arizonans would know. not i.

they are parallel streets, so there is no intersection. not to be all straussian & shit, but i would be interested to know whether nabokov's error was intentional.

my best to you and of course to wagner.

cheers,
juan

muchas gracias.

btw, i don't know how i never spied your drawings on your site, but i like them. especially ideadog. at first i thought it was "i, dead dog." regardless, good stuff!

coincidentally, minutes earlier, david had written:

From: David
Date: Fri, 09 Jan 2004
Subject: Found the Lolita reference

Dear Deuce,

I found the Lolita reference to Phoenix's 7th St. that I spoke of in an earlier email. Here it is:

We had rows, minor and major. The biggest ones we had took place: at Lacework Cabins, Virginia; on Park Avenue, Little Rock, near a school; on Milner Pass, 10,759 feet high, in Colorado; at the corner of Seventh Street and Central Avenue in Phoenix, Arizona; on Third Street, Los Angeles, because the tickets to some studio or other were sold out; at a motel called Poplar Shade in Utah, where six pubescent trees were scarcely taller than my Lolita, and where she asked, ŕ propos de rien, how long did I think we were going to live in stuffy cabins, doing filthy things together and never behaving like ordinary people? On N. Broadway, Burns, Oregon, corner of W. Washington, facing Safeway, a grocery. In some little town in the Sun Valley of Idaho, before a brick hotel, pale and flushed bricks nicely mixed, with, opposite, a poplar playing its liquid shadows all over the local Honor Roll. In a sage brush wilderness, between Pinedale and Farson. Somewhere in Nebraska, on Main Street, near the First National Bank, established 1889, with a view of a railway crossing in the vista of the street, and beyond that the white organ pipes of a multiple silo. And on McEwen St., corner of Wheaton Ave., in a Michigan town bearing his first name.

Of course, unless I'm missing something, this would be impossible as 7th St. and Central Ave. run north south, parallel to each other. It seems that Humbert is a bit confused as to the actual cross streets this argument took place at.

you are not missing anything. if everything that rises must converge, parallel streets cannot be rising. lolita-scrambled humbert certainly is confused on this point.

didn't ernesto miranda (of "miranda rights" fame) commit his rape on or near 7th street?

Meanwhile, I happened upon some old motel cabins between Dryden and Cashmere, WA, on the old road (Stines Hill Rd.) to Cashmere, that I fancy Lo and Humbert may have stayed at.


From: Kevin
Subject: Ahoy hoy
Date: Mon, 8 Dec 2003

How's it hangin? Swell, i hope. Listen, uhm, you dont know me, nor do i know you, but i assume you might feel like you know me.
See, well, nevermind

minnesota, eh? that you, howie?

YUP, Minnesota. So, since i don't really have that great of a memory, umm, yeah, hey, want to know something? I was born on april 16 1984, 225 monroe ave north, in hopkins minnesota. I went to alice smith school until 4rth grade. my moms name is mary lynne witte, maiden bundy. Anyhoo, ya know how in terminator 1, linda hamiltons apt addy is 225. and you know how in terminator 3, right when the cat hercules is brought in, they speak of a doctor monroe? And ya know how John connors initials are JC just like Jim Carrey's, in all those movies he is in. Like truman show, ace ventura pet decective. See, there are a lot of hidden messages in movies, like with initials like that, (and with carrey's obvious talent) Oh, but you should also watch antitrust and house of 1000 corpses. See, albert hoffman, created lsd 25 in 1938, read the esquire magazine a couple weeks ago? Then on april 16th 1943, he had his first accidental trip. Or, you should watch the movies "it" and "jeepers creepers" then maybe swordfish. Anyhoo. umm, yeah, minnesota is kinda cold, where the fuck are you?

az. your comments have been noted & forwarded to hq.

Oh, swell. Now, when you say HQ, that Does stand for headquarters right? Because, well, this probably wont surprise you, but this incredible young woman who actually told me that our friend jeb, was this guy from a "go ask alice" story i was trying to tell her. And, interestingly enough, her initials are HQ. She made this bowl for me in her pottery class almost two years ago, it was for my 18th bday, it has mushrooms and grass on it, and on the bottom, it has happy 18bday a heart/ HQ Do you ever feel like a combination of Depp and Del Toro in fear and loathing in las vegas? Sometimes i sure as shit do. Damn, you should watch that shit. Oh, also, these chicks from this church in robbinsdale "you can run but you can't hide" from ark in robbinsdale. Well, you should just watch the movie, hehe but one of the dudes there (it was fucking 11 at night on friday) said that george bush was the devil. I thought that was funny. anyhoo, so, "hq" tell me about that, i told you about my "headquarters"

hq = az.

Date: Mon, 8 Dec 2003
From: Felicia Y.

Good morning first husband! I introduced a couple of peeps to your illustrious site and they are officially wasting mucho company time-o.

muchas gracias. enlarge the conspiracy of corporate time-wasters!

Did you catch the Mandible on Larry King?

no -- what was she on there for? did she talk all about her obsession with me?

Mandible was on with her sinful husband Vince Gill, talking about their sinful homewrecking ways...sinners.

I'm sure there was more substance than that. I didn't actually watch much of it - I just like to work "sinners" into my correspondence whenever possible.

Hope your holiday brings lots of happiness and lots of pez, which to me go hand in hand.


Date: Fri, 05 Dec 2003
From: Mark R.

Wagner's work?

that is classified. you did not see it, or if you did see it, you are not disposed to discuss that information.

From: Janna C.
Subject: Wild Varmint Bounty Hunter
Date: Fri, 5 Dec 2003

I am looking to purchase the CD game Wild Varmint Bounty Hunter and can not find a place to buy it from. Can you help us? We need ASAP (by 12/9).

mine is but a poor humor site. i don't have the game to sell. the search phrase "Wild Varmint Bounty Hunter" at google seems to bring up quite a few leads...

From: Daniel P.
Date: Mon, 1 Dec 2003

Those forgotten Wagners are great. I want to go to Nothing now.

There was an ad in the LA Times yesterday that the town of Amboy is for sale. Gas station attendant included, but gas can is an extra $50.00.

Who is the deuce of clubs in that Iraq deck? Have they caught him yet?

on 20may2003 he did indeed fall into the hands of his order-following counterparts.

Date: Fri, 28 Nov 2003
From: Adam Wynne
Subject: Milton Wynne

Why? As in, why is his book there?

it's there for the title. therefore, it is there.

Who are you anyway?

:o)

y'know. that guy.

Date: Tue, 11 Nov 2003
From: Noah Y.
Subject: Book for Men by Bert Bacharach

Hi,

I am looking for a copy of the book Book for Men by Burt Bacharach. I found it listed on your website, but when I clicked on "buy me" I got Amazon.com and it didn't list this book. Please let me know where I might purchase this book.

there appear to be a number available for purchase online.

From: Rujomatic
Date: Sat, 1 Nov 2003
Subject: Kenny Irwin

Hello DOC, I'm a Bay Area school teacher with nothing sinister up my sleeve other than hoping Kenny Irwin will let me bring some art students over to see his Oakland command post....would you be so kind as to forward this to him or send me his email address?

unfortunately, kenny's oakland command post was dismantled a while back, by his landlord. i don't think that any of the stuff was even saved. such a shame.

From: carolyn
Subject: Chocolate Waterfall on your website
Date: Tue, 28 Oct 2003

Hey, I am trying to figure out where I saw a chocolate waterfall years ago, and it looked very much like the picture of the one on your website. Where is that one located?

it's at the candy basket, somewhere in the vicinity gresham, oregon.

I like the way you weed out spambots by the way.

if only it were a universal fix. i could be rich! i could advertise it via spam! wait. no.

Date: Mon, 27 Oct 2003
From: Tomoko I.
Subject: why you dont return to burning man

Hi,

I am a college student writing a paper on the burning man, and I was wondering if you could tell me a little more about what you think of how the festival is being run, beside that there are too many unnecessary rules. Do you think that the organizers do a good job of carrying out their ideologies? Or has the festival become too commercialized, etc.?

I realize you guys must be really busy, and even a couple of sentences would be much, much appreciated.

Thank you so much.
Tomoko

pretty much what i have to say on the subject is contained in the site itself. i will say i do not think that the troubles the festival has are caused so much by the organizers as by the event's popularity and the consequent attention by the so-called "authorities."

From: Jasmin J.
Subject: I think Your Site is Great!
Date: Sat, 25 Oct 2003

Dear Deuce of Clubs,

I am doing a project on the symbolic interpretation of Burning Man, and I thought one of the best places to look would be parody sites. I think your site is great and brings up some very important issues. I had a few questions, if you would take the time to answer them, I would be REALLY grateful.

Questions (please feel free to be honest, and if you think it is a complete hoax, say it is)
1) What do you think is the meaning behind Burning Man for its participants?
2) What are the problems you see with Burning Man - in terms of the pyschology of the event itself?

My best to you.
Jasmin Johnson

pretty much what i have to say on the subject is contained in the site itself. but if burning man has meaning, i wouldn't think it would have only one meaning. any problems i had with burning man are intrinsic to any group activity that becomes popular. and once the "authorities" (a concept that must always be understood as more or less fictional) forced their presence upon the festival, it was, for me, over.

Date: Tue, 21 Oct 2003
From: Cordley C.
Subject: Finding an address for David Felton

Trying to find an address for David (Mindfuckers) Felton.

i don't know mr. felton personally. i just like that book a lot and therefore featured it on the site.

I am researching data and memories of Mel Lyman and Chester Anderson. They were not friends. I was no pal of the devine Mel but I did run with Chester in the early sixties.

but did you know him? or meet him?

Meet him, hell, I hung him out the window to see if he could fly.
I caught him messing with my old lady. She said "meet God."
I said "If you're God get your hands off my old lady's ass..."
He wasn't God but he sent my best freind Dave over to recruit, pimp, my fondest into his army of mothers.
His loss Faith couldn't tell the truth if it bit her on her sweet ass. See Underground Woman by Faith's mom, Kay Boyle I died on page 26. Thank Doc, Be well
Cordley
Say I heard a rumor he was still with us...and writing


Subject: Defending the Free State
Date: Fri, 17 Oct 2003
From: Don M.

Hey DOC,

Are you moving to New Hampshire? There are a lot of trees back there.

unfortunately, there are trees in all the candidate states. i may have to do a reverse mister freeze and construct a desert environment inside a giant dome.

I am concerned that the Free State Project doesn't have adequate safeguards from the enemy of all well intented attempts at civilization. That problem is the existence of "assholes."

They will find every loop-hole and take advantage of every opportunity to screw things up.

assholes & loopholes will help people understand that there are no utopias. it will be enough if the assholes do not have the force of government behind them, as they do now.

Americans like waging war. We have the "war on drugs" (we're losing), "war on poverty" (we won - the poor surrendered long ago), "war on terrorism" (it's degenerated into a misguided money sink-hole), etc.

Why not a "War on Assholes"?

if we waged a war on assholes, we might make a Pogo-like discovery

It is probably already too late. Given what has happened in politics and sports lately, it seems the assholes have already inherited the earth.

Don M.

p.s. Why not name the Free State enclave "Kolob"?

...because we might thereby spawn another goofball american religion?

From: AH
Subject: Capell Bros Circuis Photo on your Website.
Date: Sat, 11 Oct 2003

Hello,

My great uncle Henry Capell ran the Capell Bros Circus. I am doing genealogy searching and came across the photo of the Capell Bros Circus Trailer and am very excited. Can you tell me exactly where this trailer is? Where is Coolidge? Do you have any info on the circus or Henry Capell?

I would appreciate any info you have.

those photos were taken in coolidge, arizona -- a small cotton community about sixty miles or so south of phoenix. i don't remember seeing that trailer the past few times i've gone through coolidge, though there is always various circus/carnival equipment in the yard, which is on arizona boulevard (the main drag -- really, the only drag -- through town).

i grew up in coolidge and it was always fun when the capell brothers circus returned to their winter headquarters, because before they mothballed everything for the winter, they'd put on their show right there in town. my father told me that when "the old man" (as he calls the elder capell, not remembering his name -- i'm assuming this was henry?) died, at his funeral they played calliope music.

(See also)

Date: Sun, 14 Sep 2003
From: Mary T.
Subject: Rizzuto

I thought you might appreciate this link. Your site is wonderful, by the way.


Date: Sat, 6 Sep 2003
From: mr_negative
Subject: its a world of juice!

I'm just writing off an email to let you all know how much I enjoy your page.

muchas gracias.

(errr ... which page was that?)

Also because the internet allows me to extend the tentacles of my unrestrained id to anyone and everyone I want.

what the internet is all about: unrestrained id extension.

It's wierd that you all are in phoenix (from what I gather) I'm down here in Tucson. THAT EQUALS AWESOME. We should start a crime fighting where our superpower is that we're from Arizona.

our superpower: dry heat.
our motto: "at least ya don't gotta shovel our superpower out of the driveway"

-edward negative
http://icjb.keenspace.com

nice-looking stuff.
personified cacti are a hobby of mine. in fact, wagner is developing his own comic, and his sidekick is a personified saguaro. they're a prickly pair.

Date: Sun, 7 Sep 2003
From: mr_negative

By your page I meant the whole goddamn website. Moreso the whole Bisbee adventure page, because I lived there as a kid. This was before "artists" from California moved in and ruined everything.

The main problem with using dry heat as a superpower is it attracts elderly people who need "dry heat" to cure assorted respiratory illnesses.

but it could be useful for the elderly people to be conveniently gathered in one area...

AND the problem with that is that they enjoy clogging the roadways in their rolling crypts, preventing me from getting to work.

"whatever does not permit me to get to work makes me happier." -- nietzsche (attr.)

Date: Fri, 29 Aug 2003
From: Uncle Bob

The good citizens of El Pueblo de La Reina de Los Angeles have employed me, knowingly or otherwise, to inspect your site at great length this morning.

you win today's award for best use of government time. keep up the good work, uncle bob. we're all counting on you.

My BLT (big large thought) for the week is from a friend with cancer, to wit: "Life is precious, and the everything is all fucked up".

Would that fit your over-arching vision, or could you sum it up more cleverly and succintly?

how about this:
"freedom is precious, and government is fucked up."

(i don't suppose you'd know anyone at the california dmv amenable to reason, would you?)

From: dapper dan
Subject: bman reno kindred soul
Date: Thu, 21 Aug 2003

gentlemen,i attended bman from 94-2000.i have to agree that it is not what it once was.way too many rules if u ask me.but the new people dont know what the fuck the missed anyway.im kind of confused how people have fun out there with all the rules.no fire,no driving,no un p.c. behavior,no drugs.i was always annoyed by the cliqueishness behavior,expecially the sf people who treated me with less respect since i live in reno.and burningman reminded me alot of eating chinese food,gone in a few hours,with little nutritional value beyond the event itself.

but im just a cranky man who remembers what it used to be like.

yep, understood.
crankiness is a certain percentage of what we do here at deuceofclubs.com

Date: Tue, 19 Aug 2003
Subject: Cherry Clan From: Greg S.

Hi Deuce,
Saw the cameo appearance of Cherry Clan candy again tonight on Seinfeld...

what episode was it? this is important.

DANG!... which episode??? I watch three or four Seinfelds a day! In one scene, George is sitting at the cafe talking to someone and on the cash register counter behind him is a carton of Cherry Clan! Here's some likely guesses- (I'm going through the Seinfelds episode by episode to jog my memory.)
The Big Salad
The Pledge Drive
The Opposite
The Pony Remark
The Little Kicks
The Cartoon
The Maid
It's one of these seven shows... sorry Deuce. I would've known had this been the day after. You know how that goes!
I will search for Cherry Heads while you search for the Seinfeld episode. Remember, IT HAPPENS AT MONK'S CAFE!!! They're next to the register just for a few moments.

I used to love that candy, (enough to GOOGLE for it, thus finding you), and am wondering if it's still made. I'm in Dallas and haven't seen it in a long while???

they changed the name to "cherryheads" (as they changed "alexander the grape" to "grapeheads," and so forth: "orangeheads," blah blah blah). so while ferrara-pan might claim they are still being made, others would beg to differ.

Help!

P.S. Is this a Patriot Act thing? Maybe the Clan is being held in Guantanimo???

no. candy, it seems, does not pose the threat to The American Way of Life that ordinary citizens do.

Date: Fri, 22 Aug 2003
From: David W.
Subject: Cherry Clan

Heya DoC-
I wrote you a while back about having seen Cherry Clan candy on Seinfeld, which was weird because I had never heard of it before reading about it on DoC that very day. I happened to catch the episode again, and had my camera handy. Sorry for the poor quality.

dave,

okay, this is bizarre. unless it is a conspiracy. or even a conspiritcy (which i heard of only last night).

see, YESTERDAY someone wrote in with the sighting, but because he watches four seinfeld episodes a DAY, he couldn't remember the episode.

you have performed a valuable service. your number will be retired, with honors.

From: megh
Subject: I rule, i think?
Date: Mon, 1 Nov 2004

remember when you asked me what episode of seinfeld the cherry clan was in? it's called "The big salad" and it's over george's head in the scene where he breaks up with his woman.

yes. you rule. muchas gracias.

From: Lorrie
Date: Mon, 18 Aug 2003
Subject: burt reynolds puzzle

I am writing this email in hope that you can help me. My mother bought a puzzle from a yard sale many years ago of burt reynolds. She gave it to my grandmother . Now that my grandmother is no longer capable of being on her own belongings have been divided up and given back to the children who gave them to her. My mother ran across a puzzle in the belongings it was the burt reynolds "dumbass " puzzle. she put it together and there are 10 peices missing. i was wondering if you know how i can go about getting another copy of this puzzle. your help would be greatly appreciated.


Date: Tue, 12 Aug 2003
From: Aristeia
Subject: cogito ergo sus

the phrase "little band of methodist pigs fleeing from the wrath to come" brought tears to my eyes. you think i'm kidding!

oh, no. remember, i was raised babdist. this kind of humor strikes way down deep.

we need pigs for the kind of philosophy i like. pragmatist pig employing the most useful explanation of the world. stoic pig submitting to necessity without complaint. skeptic pig relinquishing certainty. kuhnian pig precipitating a scientific revolution, and fallibilist pig shrugging and saying "figures." can we have a neurophilosophy pig?

i just don't see why not.

oh, regarding the rizzuto poetry book (best thing ever!), i meant to ask if you'd seen this...

i hadn't, thank you. good has come of that wantwit rumsfeld after all...

Subject: i dunno if you care to know buuuuut....
Date: Fri, 8 Aug 2003
From: JM

a buddy of mine has found his new god/community/love/whatever with bm, his first time was last year, he now calls himself a "burner", he talks to other "burners" on a local "burner" community board. you see where i'm going with this..

it happens to people.

i care to know, i have done some research...everything i read/hear about bm is treacle and sugary and amazing and love and peace and happiness and jerry garhipylacandyfloss. i looked for other opinions, try typing "burning man sucks" in google! i found cardhouse, i eventually got to you guys.

we were the opposition party. but we got more or less ousted. or we ousted ourselves. something like that.

ANYWAY.......

i thought you might be interested in seeing how bad it can get - mayhem has become arts n' crafts, donchaknow

(nearly) everything gets co-opted. seems to be the way of the world.

thank you for your co-opteration,
doc

From: Lora G.
Date: Thu, 7 Aug 2003
Subject: Burning Man

A fellow Arizona Burner led me to your website - it's awesome! I wish the phonebooth was still there.

Do you still attend Burning Man? (This will be my 3rd year)

haven't been since 1999. too many cops. or, rather, there were cops. period.

From: christian b.
Subject: 1974 Jeep 304 V8
Date: Sat, 2 Aug 2003

Engine started running hot and had some foam in the radiator. Pulled heads off to replace head gaskets and discovered one of the cylinder walls has a 1 x1/8 gray streak running parallel with stroke. How can I tell if this is a crack? Thanks.

may i inquire why you are asking this question here?

Isn't this where people ask questions about their engine problems?

they can if they want.

From: Algar92257
Date: Fri, 1 Aug 2003

I just spent the better part of two hours exploring your website. I am a resident of Niland - suppose that makes me legally insane,

not by my definition
(of course, i spent my formative years in a tiny desert town, too -- though not as small as niland)

but just had to tell you I didn't consider it a waste of time. I had several good chuckles and smiles. Isn't that what life is SUPPOSED to be about?

that is my working hypothesis

Thanks. I will definately have to come back and visit it again.

de nada. say hi to leonard for me.

Date: Tue, 22 Jul 2003
From: Gila Mon
Subject: Happy (sick, twisted) Baby

I was listing items on Half.com a while ago and got this message as I attempted to list Baby's First Happy Songs. Here is the screen capture. I assume the baby is surrounded by balloons and not inflated condoms.


Date: Sun, 06 Jul 2003
From: new andria mexico
Subject: OK, -this- made me laugh:

The photo of the GPS screen. I'm still laughing.


Date: Sat, 05 Jul 2003
Subject: Flyover
From: Robb

I cannot contain my jealousy. When I grow up, I'm going to get a pilot's license.

that's exactly what i was thinking during most of the flight. but since i show few signs of growing up, it looks like i'll be saving myself the expense of flying lessons and fuel.

Date: Tue, 24 Jun 2003
From: Nkiru
Subject: Publishing permit

TO:DEUCE OF CLUBS.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN.

I read the book called "WE WERE FIVE" copyright @ 1963,1964 and I was moved with the story.I enjoyed a very bit of the life of the QUINTS which they enjoyed and the good Catholic upbringing they were given.As a result of this I would like to make a positive critic on the book with a mother of ten children as a way of encouraging parents to be a friend to their children .
Please let me know if this request is granted of which Iwould be very grateful
Thanks

Iam Nkiru.

hello, iam

i mean, hello, i am doc. and you are iam. and you are welcome to write a critic. there is, as you probably know, a 724-word minimum on critic's. i will be eager to read your's.

aphostrophically you'res,
doc

Date: Fri, 4 Jul 2003
From: Nkiru
Subject: Re: Publishing permit

Dear Doc,

I received your permit for the critic on the Quint's book but you failed to mention the copy right permit.You see without the copy right Iwillnot be able to reproduce the book.I understand many ill-intentioned individuals had tried in many ways to play a bad joke with the of Quint's unfortunate life history.
Iwish to asure you that I hold positive values on uniqueness of every childand right to beloved equally by their parents and the rest of the family.
Iam very willing to submit all the text to even before anyone else.
Please I would like to know more about you Doc.
This letter is from Nigeria and children are seen as blessing from God.
Let hear from you soon.

Yours sincerely
Nkiru

VERY URGENT/CONFIDENTIAL

FROM DOC

C/O I M USMAN (ATTORNEY ATLAW).

TEL/FAX:2X4-1-75$47#6 ATTENTION:

I am Doc.The widow of the late Vince Foster former deputy counsel to the White House, who died mysteriously as a result of Unknown Causes.Since after my husband's death,my family is under restriction of movement and that not withstanding,we are being molested by the police and our bank account here and abroad are being frozen by the Government for more interrogation about my husband's assets and some vital document, such as for example a suicide note.

Following the recent discovery of my husband's bank account by the Government with Swiss bank in which the huge sum of US$700 million and DM450 million was lodged in a briefcase found in Fort Marcy Park. I therefore decided to contact you in confidence that I was able to move out the sum of US$50 million dollars into a security trust account administered by the Rose Law Firm.

I earnestly implore you for urgent assistance to move this money into safe Nigerian account where I believe it will be safe, since I cannot leave the country due to the restriction of movement imposed on the members of my family by the Government.

Meanwhile, we have agreed to offer you 30% of the total sum for providing the necessary assistance while 70% is to be held on trust by you until we can decide on a suitable business investment in Nigeria subsequent to our free movement by the Government.However, arrangement have been put in place to move this money out as soon as you indicate your interest, you can contact me through my family lawyer I M USMAN (ATTORNEY ATLAW) on this direct Tel/Fax number:2X4-1-75$47#6,my Lawyer shall arrange with you for a meeting in Nigeria in order to liaise with you towards effective completion of this transaction.

When you call, please ask my lawyer to confirm the Tel Line number if he cannot, then know you are not speaking with the right person and drop it and keep trying,this is for security purpose.Please reply urgently and treat with absolute confidentiality and sincerity.

Hochste Lust!
Doc
Date: Mon, 7 Jul 2003
From: Nkiru

I'm sorry 'bout for your husband's death. I will pray for his soul. i'm not in the least interested in any money transfer. I'll pray for you to sort your self out. Bye
Greetings
N.E.O

sorting commences in 5...4...3...2...
<countdown interrupted>

Date: Mon, 23 Jun 2003
From: liz c.

Oh, these are so nice. I looked at almost everything! How did you and Wagner get into the special part of Union Station?

exactly who was going to STOP us?

From: Anaisabine
Date: Sun, 22 Jun 2003
Subject: lemmon photos...

i almost wish i was teaching american studies next year.... i would have used this info for when i taught about japanese internment and civil disobedience......


Date: Wed, 18 Jun 2003
From: Jerry D.
Subject: Con vs. Neo-con! Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

I have not written in before, I usually leave that to my wife (Vickie of the giant box o' stuff). But today I was impressed. I'm the world's biggest news junkie, especially in terms of "real news" that seeks to expose the reality of the corruption run rampant in the Bush administration. However, today, you pulled one over on me. I missed John Dean's column on the Weapons of Mass Distraction. I know Dean has been critical of W in the past, but I had always interpreted this as the stern corrections of a sympathetic ideological pater familias, not the overtures of an outright political enemy. Dean's comments represent a clear rift between the old guard conservatives and the neo-cons. This leads me to believe, even more, that W is pulling a fast one, holding sway over this nation through fear and lies rather than through true ideological debate.

but there is no such thing as debate when it comes to ideology (as opposed to political philosophy). ideology is not interested in truth, but in power (see marx's epitaph on his london tombstone).

This has, as my wife would admit, been an education for me for, as an historian of the American experience, I want to believe (read need to believe) that the essential tenants of our democracy are valid.

we have tenants? do they pay us rent? i have been kept in the dark about this.

Sadly, George Washington in his farewell address was probably right and I'm sure Jefferson was right to lambast the easily manipulated "mob," as it now appears that W is really the cruel punch line of a two hundred year old joke. Democracy and human rights are so fragile that they are in no way "inalienable" as we have so often been promised. These ideals have to be defended at great cost.

go back and read the founders -- one thing they feared as much as tyranny (because they understood it would necessariliy become indistinguishable from it) was "democracy." democracy, as plato correctly pointed out, passes inevitably into tyranny. which began happening here with the war between the states and was the course decisively set in 1913 when congress arrogated to itself the power to tax invdividuals directly (something forbidden by the founders).

Dean gives me one little light of hope, though, and that is the direction of his attack--from the right; from W's so-called "base." I'm a real live, honest to God high tax lovin', big government defendin', fat daddy spendin', bleeding heart, pabulum puking old school liberal, so it is natural that I would stand as a polar opposite of Bush's brand of fascism.

think bush is not a tax lover (don't be fooled by his tax "cuts," which are nothing but chicanery), not a defender of big government, not a stereotypical fat daddy spender (of money that belongs to others)?

So if we have the lefties, the libertarians, the Democrats, AND the Dean-Nixon-Goldwater Republicans standing against this guy maybe we can make him go away.

if only the problem were merely with an individual, rather than with the system. it's the system that needs to be destroyed, not some jug-eared goofus monkey man.

We will not be able to agree on what comes next. I'm painfully aware of that, but maybe any kind of change will keep the Bushies from shipping any more poor, dumb GI Bill craving nineteen year olds off to meet their death in the desert. I'll gladly make room for W back here in Texas when the American people decide to give him the boot. Waco can't get much worse than it already is...

The mistake everyone has made and continued to make is underestimating this guy. He pulled this shit back in Texas. He'd cook up some bag of lies that could be used to convince the voters that they had to do what he wanted, make it a reality, and then bug out for the next gig. This is where the national press was asleep at the switch: the Texas record. He took the people of Arlington to bed to get his multimillion dollar stadium and then hit the road. He passed the "Biggest Tax Cut in the History of Planet Earth" here in Texas (where taxes were already below the national average) and gutted the government. And I mean gutted--for real. This session we're closing down hospitals for the dangerously insane and literally...putting them on the street. No joke. Texas has become a libertarian paradise....

clearly, you misunderstand libertarianism, jerry. if texas were a libertarian paradise, there wouldn't be a free state project -- we'd all just move to texas and be free.

Thanks as always for the continued humor-filled sheet lightening enema of reality that you call the Deuce of Clubs.

enema. hrmm. maybe that should be our next motto: Deuce of clubs -- Ramming it Up the Backside of the System

p.s. -- love the subject line

Date: Wed, 18 Jun 2003
From: Kathy B.

This is frickin' brilliant
(also on the money)
(so to speak)


From: Jim C.
Subject: ute lemper and nazis
Date: Sat, 14 Jun 2003

I was listening to the radio bradcast an Ute Lemper interview, and later found my way to your website. I have allways found the subject about germans and the nazi past interesting. I can't help but wonder if a hundred years from now will the dynamic be the same. I mean when was the last time you heard people talkin about the romans feedin people to the lions? Why dont we associate brutality with italians? How about Napoleans little fiesta throughout Europe? why does not that bother Ute Lemper's sensitivities? I think he had his hands in a few deaths?When was the last time a history book stopped a gun from going off? This does not apologize for hitler , if they find another run away Nazi next week I would still hang the bastard. I just wonder why the germans do notmake this argument? The human race does not have blood on its hands it has it on the soles of its collective feet.


Date: Fri, 13 Jun 2003
From: babs

i must admit that i, like, totally hate it when Moshe loses his temper and throws metal paper-punchers. it like totally kills the mood. ya know?

oh, i do know. indeed do i know.

what kind of a messiah throws paper-punchers?

now, a messiah who sleeps with women as part of his "mission" -- that is par for the course.

but throwing paper-punchers? unacceptable.

(probably 3 people will ever read that whole thing. BUT IF ONLY ONE PERSON BENEFITS, IT WILL HAVE BEEN WORTH IT.)

(oh, horsecrap. it was a lot of work and if only one person read it, i would slash their wrists for being only one person, instead of being multitudes.)

Date: Tue, 10 Jun 2003
Subject: parking garage advisory system
From: j

the gila monster level! lets hide there, watch where they park then follow them home!!


Date: Mon, 9 Jun 2003
From: jess

the ptolemaic juggling midgets conversation is the EXACT kind of conversation we get into over here. drastically overeducated, and absurdist despite a clear logical progression. i approve.


Date: Sun, 8 Jun 2003
From: Burford
Subject: foo

scary. i'm too afraid to add it to the celebriducks page.

coincidentally, today during a baseball game they were showing some exhibits of hall of fame stuff touring the country. they zoomed in on a bat of babe ruth's, but they didn't zoom fast enough ... right beside it, before being zoomed out of view, was the babe ruth celebriduck.

which is just SICK

do you have a celebriducks page at doc?

celebriducks   celebriducks   celebriducks

soon, all my email will only be pointers to pages. i will have arrived in The Future. POOF! er, FOO!

hmm... what *hasn't* D.O.C. covered yet? (i'm still reflecting on the "small web after all" aspect of my running across the cockeyed.com direct linking thing completely unrelated to anything D.O.C. or cardhouse)

i only sent it because i thought of your Mr.T Cabage Patch doll, and it seemed appropriate


From: Robert T.
Subject: Osmond's Kolob album
Date: Tue, 03 Jun 2003

I have searched and searched on the internet for this album, without success. I have been unable to located it via Kazaa. Any ideas of where I can get a hold of it?

lo siento, no.

however, donny osmond's back on tv again, running eighty-jillion dollar pyramid or whatever. so he has a stake in answering silly questions from fans. yours would be perfect.

bonus points if he's on a live phone-in show at the time & you get him to say, "kolob" in public.

keep us posted,
doc

Date: Mon, 2 Jun 2003
From: Lori
Subject: by the by

...I very much like the Parking Garage Wildlife Advisory System. Keen!


From: Frank
Date: Sun, 1 Jun 2003

I thought you'd find this amusing: http://www.scottsdalesucks.com

indeed, sir. tempe needs one just like it.

something might profitably be said about scottsdale's idiotic government (the galleria debacle, the continuing los arcos foolishness, former mayor campana's repeatedly phoning 911 to get street directions ... that sort of stuff).

Date: Sun, 01 Jun 2003
From: Lazlo
Subject: Pshaw Peak Coincidence

I spent the latter half of last week working at the very building pictured on the Pshaw Peak page. I had never been to or seen that building before arriving there on Wednesday, except for a few days earlier when you put up the page (and of course at that time I had no idea that I'd be going there).

Schwab has three big facilities in Phoenix. They just call this one "The Peak". I suppose that'll work until they build one at the base of Tetilla Peak near Santa Fe, at which point they may have to specify 'left' or 'right'.

In other news, I'd completely forgotten what 'hot' felt like. It was gooood.

[canned arizona native response:]
"hayull, boyah, last week weren't HOT!"

Date: Sun, 01 Jun 2003
From: Cardhouse Robot

ooooh, you're going to get shit from Penn & Teller for calling Kreskin a "magician." Here it comes, the shit. Prepare for it. Prepare.

i am prepared. bring it, mister ponytail.

From: Jordan G.
Subject: Album cover girl ... please read!!!
Date: Fri, 30 May 2003

Hey dude,

I love your site and stuff....

If you wanted to do something fun, you could call [Dolores Erickson] and put the transcript on your site.

i have her number. i just haven't yet worked up the gumption. or whatever it is that it takes.

You could even ask her to allow you to scan and post the aforementioned "outtake" photos that she has in her possession. Of course she'd probably say no, but it would be an awesome addition to your site.

almost holy grail-ish.

You might even get her to autograph some album covers for you. One of the articles said that fans still track her down for autographs.

i want to commission her to do a painting of wagner.

You may have already found all this info... do let me know whether or not it's been helpful.

I'm impressed with your sense of humor and adventure. Fun stuff to read... keep it up!

Take care...
Jordan


Date: Wed, 28 May 2003
From: jess
Subject: frozen bears

new inscriptions... so much with funny! the difficult-to-translate one (i believe it says "light bearer and beautiful soul," but you probably knew that) reminds me of the "what am i saying" sketch from the state. remember that one?

"job well done" certificate in skinner... i'm BOGGLING. and oh, man... the calvinist gang??

magically thine,
j.


From: Juan
Subject: Pedro Weiss Book ......
Date: Sat, 24 May 2003

Greetings ,

I was wondering about the value to the Prof. Pedro Weiss book you have shown at your site . what is the most anyone has offered to buy it for ?

how much would you sell it for ?

i'm not sure that i would sell it, but if i did, the biggest trouble would be finding it. sadly, most of my books are in storage right now.

but someone on amazon has one for sale for fifty, which is less than i'd probably be willing to take to part with it.

Date: Wed, 21 May 2003
Subject: applique torso
From: jj

i see it as a horsehead.

if it is, it is a horsehead with see-through eyes.

Date: Wed, 21 May 2003
From: Vickie D.
Subject: Homework scammers

Hi ya Doc!

Let me take this opportunity to say how sorry I am that your prized possessions got stolen/trashed. The B*STARDS! Hope you catch at least one of them....preferably in a nice deserted alleyway that dead ends while you have some nice big weapon to brandish. *grin*

I really was writing to reply on the homework scammers. Just goes to show you how stupid some people are. If people would just take for granted that your name is almost the same as a hopefully-soon-to-be pope, then they have their answer in front of them. They don't need to ask you, it's right there on your site....for those who take the time and effort to peruse your site from top to bottom. Even if they think that's a pseudonym, it shouldn't matter for the sake of a citation. I mean, it's not like your site is going anywhere soon! (It's not, right?!?!? *Worry worry*). As a future librarian, I guess I take exception with people ripping off others content. At least they gave you warning they were going to do it first!

i really don't understand what they had in mind.

One last thing....I know you and I are on the opposite spectrums on most things politically,

(we're apparently even on the opposite ends of the spectrum on the subject of whether there even is a political spectrum...)

but I really like Michael Moore. So, I take exception with that, but I wanted to let you know that everyone's entitled to their opinions, and I won't hold it against you. I know that relieves you! *lol*

i liked tv nation, because most of it was funny. but i don't respect anyone who is fundamentally manipulative & dishonest. he doesn't respect what is true, but only what serves his purpose -- which is the hallmark of the ideologist, rather than the political philosopher (even -- or perhaps especially -- the amateur political philosopher).

Date: Tue, 20 May 2003
From: David W.
Subject: Cherry Clan

Heya Deuce-
I was skimming through the Amy Grant's mandible pages today and I noticed you had her sign a Cherry Clan candy box. I never heard of Cherry Clan before, but I turn on Seinfeld tonight and there is a box of Cherry Clan in the background! It was pretty quick, I was going to try to take a picture of it for you but I didn't get the chance. Don't know if you've seen that episode but I thought I would let you know.

danke, dave. any idea what seinfeld episode it was?

Well, deuce, I'm not sure because I came in in the middle. There were two running themes, 1) Jerry was dating some girl that Newman had previously dated and dumped, and Jerry was trying to figure out what was wrong with the girl. 2) George had apparently bought Elaine a "big salad" (I didn't see that part so I'm not sure of the circumstances) but had his girlfriend deliver the salad to her. Elaine assumed that the girlfriend had bought the salad, so George kept subtly trying to imply to Elaine that he had actually bought the salad. The girlfriend found out about it and confronted him, then George was yelling at her about accepting a thank-you under false pretenses. That was the scene with the Cherry Clan- George and this girl were arguing in the restaurant and there was a box of Cherry Clan behind George.

that should be plenty (i do not say good 'n' plenty) for the hawk-eyed readers of deuceofclubs.com to go on.

From: Heather
Date: Tue, 20 May 2003
Subject: re your quickdraw tent

Sorry to hear that you have had all your belongings stolen and trashed.....that must be heartbreaking for you.

Unfortunately I have no news for you (I'm not even sure when this all happened to you). I came across your site when searching for info on quickdraw tents. I've had one delivered today from America (I'm in England), and yippee it really does pop up instantly! The trouble is 4 hours later and I still haven't managed to fold it up! How did you manage with yours? I'm sure it's just a knack...but I don't have it!

there is definitely a knack to it. it's a knack we're used to here in arizona because the tent folds up similar to the way we fold up the windshield shade screens we use in our cars in the summer.

I wondered if you have any tips you can pass on? Did you struggle with yours at first, or is it just me? I can't quite believe it'll be waterproof, as the groundsheet seems pretty flimsy to what I'm used to, was yours okay?

stayed dry inside of the tent during a huge downpour once.

I'm sorry to be asking info from you, and sorry no info for you to swap.... I really hope the culprits are found.

i remember the "taco" image being helpful in learning to fold the tent. also, i found it helped, once it was in the taco shape, to stand it on end for the final folding.

keep working at it and you'll have your helen keller moment when it all suddenly makes sense.

From: Heather
Date: Wed, 21 May 2003

Hiya Doc,

hurray!! thanks very much for your help! I think the difference was made by your advice to stand it on it's end for the final folding! I was a bit wary, because I didn't want to break it!

Anyway it's in the bag now! Thank you very much, it was very kind of you to reply so quickly,

quite welcome. glad to be of help.

much tent fun,
doc

Date: Fri, 16 May 2003
Subject: PDX mirth
From: Jessica

Dag nabbit.
We totally would have driven up to PDX if we'd had a leetle more notice.
The revelry! The Wag!
The PBR Street Gang!


Date: Fri, 9 May 2003
From: YUSUF KUNLE
Subject: civil enginnering

i am a student,is there any appliication of fluid mechanics to civil engineering which is my feild of study.i need lots and lots of appication urgently

hello, yusuf

clearly you are a man (woman? hermaphrodite?) of great refinement. and i'm not talking oil refinement, here. and that is because to do so would begin to approach the fringes of the subject of civil engineering, a subject of which i know nothing.

so what i am wondering is, why -- of all webmasters -- you would write and ask the webmaster of deuceofclubs.com.

huh?

Subject: Hey Doc
Date: Wed, 7 May 2003
From: Craig H.

Hey Doc. Just wanted to email you and tell you how much I enjoy your site. I have been racking my brain on what kind of a site I could make myself....I enjoy your content, and I especially enjoyed the Mojave Phone Booth story, and I heard your interview on the Internet Basement Radio Show. (which is actually how I learned of your site.)..

anyway. Keep up the great work.

muchas gracias, senor. intentaré.

From: Michelle
Subject: I marvel at the true depths of stupidity.... ;)
Date: Thu, 5 Jun 2003

i loooove that your site has so many funny things to find now and then....

that was great!!!

where fun = stupidity, deuce of clubs provides the goods.

From: Hypnagogue
Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003

I actually had a hallucinugla [see also] without even conceiving of contriving it. I was watching Letterman the other night and Steve Martin was on. As Martin responded to a question or relayed an anecdote, the conversation became awkward and I closed my eyes to deflect the embarrassment. Imprinted ocularly was the negative inversion of the head-and-shoulders shot of Martin I had just been watching apparently unblinkingly. The silhouette looked extremely familiar and my synapses quickly IDed it as a perfect match for Ugla's. So Iraq's least most wanted is currently starring opposite Queen Latifah in "Bringing Down the House"? Apt.

if he is "bringing down the house," doesn't that make him a terrorist? see you in guantanamo, mister "martin."

Loved the send-up by Jess of Gen-Y researchers who would quote Zima@cows.piss.ichi.ban.smurf.fuck.net's sociopolitical philosophy over Noam Chomsky's if the former came up first on their Google search.

jess will be gratified to hear of your approval.

When I first read the serial on Raving Critics, I clicked some of the relevant links and actually learned the source of the Clark origin mythology, but have since forgotten it.

clark & cooley were the two players in the card game that decided the fate -- and the name -- of show low.

as well as the fate -- and the name -- of deuceofclubs.com

Date: Tue, 6 May 2003
From: jess

hehe! nice to be appreciated.

ann coulter... shit, what humor talk show was it that included the line "it'll scare the teeth out of ann coulter's vagina"? because that is like the best line ever.

that is in the top ten of anti-ann coulter lines, at any rate. sounds like something one would hear on the daily show.

or were you watching THE MAN SHOW, perhaps?

oh, wait. it was mr. cranky.

Date: Wed, 23 Apr 2003
From: Mark
Subject: for council

Spirits are speaking in my dreams and other ways. I wrote it down.

Was visited by a holy spirit. Do you think computers are an interactive link between the biospheres?

it might be a convenient explanation for the embarrassing showing of the arizona biosphere project. perhaps you should suggest it to them.

Date: Wed, 23 Apr 2003
Subject: Barf!
From: Robb L.

I thought y all was the English plural for the second person...

it's heartwarming to see the plural distinction correctly noted. (people often jokingly use it for the singular second person. NOT TO BE DONE.)

From: razzell2
Subject: 666
Date: Sat, 19 Apr 2003

morning boys and girls.
i happened to have come across your articles regarding the now infamous "666 cough syrup", and i gotta tell you, i laughed until i cried.
mostly i laughed at "pauls" letter trying to get you to remove your satire from the internet. paul writes,

"It was not until about 15 years ago when the movie "The Omen" was released, that the numbers by themselves came to have an evil context."

i find that so naive, that i have to wonder if "paul" really believed that baloney when he wrote it!

paul seems to be unfamiliar with the religious best-sellers. such as, for example, a little thing that down in florida they like to call The Holy Bible.

i mean, come on. i bet there isnt one person that hasnt heard of the "mark of the beast", the number 666 and what it means, and i would feel quite safe in saying that folks worldwide knew these things a tad longer than when "the omen" was released! great movie by the way.
anyway, i know that the "monticello corp" had an unexpected upswing in sales of these products after you started your little fued with the company.
you know how i know this?
well, ill tell you.
because i want to buy some of this crap just from reading your stories about it.
im a huge collector of "americana", and i would love to add some 666 cough preperation, and some 666 salve, and maybe even some "ghost preperation", (although ive yet to figure out what this stuff is used for), to my growing collection of bizarre and freaky stuff sold in america.
a final thought, and im sure you folks at dueceofclubs must have considered this...
putting aside all of the reasons given by paul k. (and that other dude who obviously realized the money that could be made from your exposure of his product), for the original use of 666 as a product name, i have to believe that the original namers knew exactly what 666 stood for, and if so, using that name must have meant something more to them than a prescription #!!!

it is my opinion, and just an opinion mind you, (thats legal, right? for me to express an opinion?) that the original makers and namers of 666 were a bunch of atheistic devil worshipers who gave human virgin sacrifices in the basements where they bottled this shit and used some of the blood of the virgins as an ingredient.......and the company was originally owned an operated by a demon sent from hell by satan, and they used the proceeds of the sales of this product to fund the moonies and the al queda terrorist groups!!!

bizarre stuff boys and girls.
keep up the good work.

(by the way, do you have a newsletter or a daily or weekly email that you send out? put me on the list please)

there is an increasingly infrequent update email that goes out about as often as new popes are elected. next time we see the white smoke, so will you.

From: James H.
Subject: joe versus the volcano
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2003

Hey,

Any interest in selling the hula dancer statue?

i'm not sure there is, but it's a moot point, since i have no idea where it's disappeared to. panta rei, as heraclitus wrote, and he lived near a river, evidently.

From: Mike
Subject: Iraq Most Wanted Deuce of Clubs
Date: Wed, 16 Apr 2003

Deuce,

I rushed home the other day and downloaded the Iraq Most Wanted Playing Cards to send you the Deuce of Clubs just to find out that 22 Megs later, you already had done it. I should have known better.

no, it was quite possible the most wanted cards could have escaped us. after all, we are still at 56k. there are tanks that drive faster than our downloads.

It's been a while since I visited your page. What is the deal with all the people wanting to steal your page for their homework or trying to get you to divulge your personal information? [See below.] Every time I read one of Jess, Alison, or Ben's e-mails that say "I am a lowly student, and I want to use your web page for my school report, but I need to know more information about you, such as your name, etc.," I instantly have visions of Nigerian spam. You know, the ones that read "I am Mrs. Seko-Seko, former wife of the ruler of Congo. I am offering you $20 million, and all you need to do is send me your bank accounts, ID, and PIN numbers..." Seems to me the same scam, but different motives.

Keep up the great work!

danke.

(and actually, jess's email was a spoof of the other two.)

From: Lou Minatti
Date: Tue, 15 Apr 2003

Have you noticed the power unleased by the slight changes in normal references points: i.e. the creation of a new day by speaking of May 6st instead of May 6th? The total liberation entailed??

can we have the total liberation of speaking away april 15th altogether?

Try April 15rd.

Works for many of us.

april fif-turd.

apropos.

From: WaterGate Style
Subject: Gary Bear
Date: Sun, 13 Apr 2003

hey i know gary bear, infact ive had some strange moments with him while eatting dinner but ive never seen him perform, so i cant say weather he is an act or not. but im guess its not, cause he is just strange. anyway, give me a type back if you have any questions/info about gary bear


From: Ultima
Date: Sat, 12 Apr 2003
Subject: Ugla Behavior

YIKES -- HE'S IN MY ROOM!

Phew -- it was only my shadow. I didn't know my head was so...ovoid!

a hallucinugla

Ovoid to the vise is sufficient,
Ultima

oy, dat hoyt

From: Alison
Date: Thu, 10 Apr 2003
Subject: Negativland article question

Hi, I'm a college student in NY and my Popular Culture class is starting to read Fair Use, so I decided to come online and find out a little bit more about the band Negativland and the lawsuit with Island Records. I found your article and website and I have a few questions. I'd like to print out your article and share excerpts from with my class, but I'd like to know more about my source.

your "source?" do what now?

Who are you? What is the purpose of your website?

perhaps you missed the D.o.C. faq

You seem to me to be slightly comparable to The Onion. Is this a correct comparison?

the onion does humorous fake news stories.

so, if the negativland article were fake, and funny...

wait. do *what* now?

doc

From: Alison
Date: Fri, 11 Apr 2003
Subject: Re: Negativland article question

I'm sorry but I don't feel that you thoroughly answered any of my questions. In fact I get the feeling you don't think I'm serious. Well in that case I will use your article and your words in my class and in my paper but since you have failed to give me any information as to whom you are and what your website's purpose is, I can't very well give credit where credit is due, can I?

Enjoy your day.

it is more enjoyable already.

Date: Tue, 15 Apr 2003
From: jess

dear clark. i feel that you haven't satisfactorily answered the questions that i asked you when i wanted to know if i could use your research instead of doing any of my own because i'm really good with google but anything beyond that makes me fatigued. you apparently don't take me seriously just because i like to use the internet to do my homework and i think that anything i find there is a reputable source, if only i can figure out how to cite it. therefore i will just blatantly distribute your work to my class which i guess does not cover copyright laws.


Date: Mon, 07 Apr 2003
Subject: Penley@nxi.com
From: Barbara J.

You mention that craft sticks (and, hopefully, project pages) can be obtained at Penley@nxi.com. Can't get it recognized by Google nor my other search engines. Now, project pages for clothespins may seem like a tiny, insignificant matter to you, but it is a matter of great concern to a bunch of little kids in Austin, Texas. Please help!

sadly, the penley offer appears to have disappeared, along with penley itself.

Date: Mon, 24 Mar 2003
From: smyrna
Subject: re: gary bear, sugarbush in tucson...

hi, i am not from tucson so i can't answer your questions about gary bear, though i wish i could in fact i agonize and will consider suicide over it...in the meantime i will give you what other pathetic info i do have... i was in tucson on march 15 with cyclecide bike rodeo from san francisco, at one time i was their keyboard player, and the other band you asked about, sugarbush, was supposed to play after us at the club congress...but the club congress got mad and told them to go away after the bike rodeo finished creating mayhem in the parking lot...anyway sugar- bush invited us all to their warehouse space where they played a short show and they rocked....


From: ben f.
Subject: emergency!
Date: Mon, 17 Mar 2003

hey "deuce", im a junior in highschool. i cited one of your opinion pieces in a HUGE paper i have due tomorrow, but the problem is, I need to have your full name or else your argument loses all credibility. I have a feeling you first name is Clark... but could you PLEASE email me your full name, tonight? I SWEAR i will not disperse it, and ruin you whole facade you've got going, that just wouldn't be cool. please man, i really need this

your concept of credibility is not credible.

From: ben f.
Subject: fuck you
Date: Mon, 17 Mar 2003

you're an asshole. are you trying to outsmart me? my concept of credibility is not credible? my concept of credibility comes from my english teacher, and english major in college, is this not credible enough? and while i realize you have no information on your website regarding formal education or public works, the fact that you are an outraged peon is good enough for the opposition of my argument. screw you.


From: Fred R.
Subject: direct image linking
Date: Wed, 12 Mar 2003

Can't you just think of the direct linking as an excellent opportunity to guide people into your site ? I think it would be funny to use them as unwitting marketeers for you !

it would, but people don't typically investigate image sources. if an image is linked back to my site, that's different, of course.

From: Jeff P.
Date: Tue, 11 Mar 2003

Howdy,
Stumbled upon your site after a link, on a page linked to another page, etc. Anyhow, awesome site.

muchas gracias.

That sucks about the phone booth. Sometimes the parks service seems like they want to keep you out more than they want to let you in.

almost makes one think they have their own evil agenda, no?

But I also saw you're problem with Whip It. Not sure if you still have her, or if she's still got the same problem. But I thought I'd offer up a suggestion. I have no clue how much it costs, or how it's done, but you can get rid of the distributor and associated parts by installing a distributorless ignition system (DIS). I know manufacturers have been putting them on newer cars for years now. I drive a 1993 Saturn, and it's got one. I'm not even sure exactly how it works, but it's more efficient/accurate, provides a better spark, and there are no moving parts. Anyhow just a thought.

interesting. i'm not sure an old art car like whip it! could learn such new tricks, but this is now the province of her new owner, darrick of sacramento.

After reading your page I got to thinking.......I wonder if there's a lonely phone booth up in the mountains here in Colorado. Maybe I'll find one some day. A site you might like as well: www.geocaching.com

that's been a favorite for a while, gracias. (strangely, someone else emailed about it today as well).

I have to think that maybe the parks department DOES have a hidden agenda; not just on the national level. When geocaching first got started, the city didn't mind the geocaches in the parks; almost welcoming them. But within the last few months, they've started asking people to remove them because "they promote high traffic and harm the fragile environment". Sound familiar? Maybe they have an official memo entitled "Things To Tell the Public When They Start Asking Why". And believe me, some of the caches around here were far off the beaten path; I guess they stumbled upon one, went to the website, and found ones in the parks. Took them long enough though....about 2 or 3 years. Some people have been fighting it, or just moving the caches 400 feet to one side out of the parks boundary.


From: libby s.
Subject: Oobi
Date: Mon, 10 Mar 2003

Hello,
I am doing a speech on toys that didn't make it in the toy industry. Like the oobi! I would like to know if you can send me information on any more toys that failed. If so, I would greatly appreciate it!

regarding failed toys: deuceofclubs.com pretty much specializes in the oobi, but you might see whether you can still get a copy of hoofsip #28, which looks like it has a feature on failed toys.

Date: Thu, 06 Mar 2003
From: The Evolution Control Committee
Subject: Congrats, link-monger

You'll be happy to know that while Googling the original release year for the Whipped Cream album, I found that doing the obvious google for "herb alpert whipped cream and other delights" gives one of your pages for the second result! Even the proper result page at www.herbalpert.com places a lowly third!

ALL HAIL!!

"proper result page?"

Date: Fri, 07 Mar 2003
From: The Evolution Control Committee
Subject: Will you STOP??

Okay, NOW this is just becoming weird... I was going over some old notes from a workshop in Australia I did a year and a half ago, and trying to find what became of a now-dead website www.vidi-o.com. So I googled "vidi-o" and do you know what came up?

Veni, Vidi, O'Wagner
www.deuceofclubs.com/w/wagvid/veni.htm

Top choice. Now STOP THAT!! THERE'S THREE BILLION WEB PAGES OUT THERE!! HOW MANY OF THEM ARE YOU??

apparently, i am taking over. this is becoming clear to me.

Don't worry, you'll do just fine. You'll be a good shadowy all-controlling figure.


Date: Thu, 6 Mar 2003
From: Chuck A.
Subject: Whipit in falmes?

Ogled what could be a clone of your whipit south of asu last week....primer w/ yellow and red flames..Yes, No?

hrmm ... no, whip it! was recently rescued from her seemingly permanent san jose moorings and is even now bound for sacramento.

From: Susie M.
Subject: goofball translation
Date: Wed, 5 Mar 2003

I love to use online translation programs. I took your "I Am He as You are He and Cold is Hot and In is Out and We Are Altogether Confused" and changed it from English to German, then back to English once again, with the following result: "I am he, since you are he and cold weather is hot and inside out is and we together konfus is". Not bad ...

poetry to move the soul and KO the mind, truly.

From: no no
Subject: choco taco
Date: Mon, 03 Mar 2003

i dont know what the hell yer talkin about. choco tacos are great. its a chocolate sunday with a diffrent shape.

it's not a differently shaped sundae; it is a differently shaped Drumstick[TM]. drumsticks, don't get me started on those.

can you really get that disgusted over looks alone?

no. disgusting taste helps.

they taste like chocolate. you dont like chocolate? that would suck.

i like good chocolate. chocolate that is good. choco taco chocolate is not currently classified as chocolate.

can we agree that flinstone popups are the worst ever? but atleast they have good vitamins and cereal. adios amigo.

what are flintstone popups?

are you currently living in america? because you can get them at food for less stores still, to my best knowledge. anyways they were a sugar milk paste, like the leftover stuff on the sides of an ice cream box, all crammed into a little push up device. eating them is a torture. try an find some, its like wet moldy cardboard.

despite the appealing promise of wet moldy cardboard, i think i will leave them where they are.

Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003
From: Cynthia B.
Subject: Hungry Man Book

My business partner, in the restaurant world, is turning 50 in two weeks. He was, obviously, born in 1953, the year that The Hungry Man's Outdoor Grill Cookbook you feature on the site was published. As cute as Wagner is bbq'ing with it, would you consider selling the book to me for a birthday present???? Please????? Pretty Please?????? He is, after all, now an old man. I would pay a pretty penny, so to speak, for the honor.

Thanks for your consideration,
Cindy

really couldn't part with it. lo siento.

From: David Rehak
Subject: a young girl's crimes
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 2003

Greetings Doc,

I hope you won't take this as spam. I've discovered your Deuce of Clubs book club, and I'd be very pleased if you would recommend my novel "A Young Girl's Crimes" to your members and choose to read and discuss it afterwards with them. Many readers so far have found the book extremely interesting and I think it would spark some really fun discussion among you. You can forward this email on to them.

you may want to take another look at the deuce of clubs book club with a view toward divining intent.

From: Marie M.
Subject: Okay, I'll bite
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 2003

Secret Mormon underwear? That sounds like the title of a South Park episode.

mormonism pretty much *is* a south park episode.

My nephew speculates it may have something to do with their masturbation cessation techniques. Please tell me what you know (on the topic, otherwise we'd be here forever)

especially devout mormons wear a special type of underwear that is supposed to protect them from harm.

google "mormon underwear" and you will learn more than you could have known there was about mormon underwear.

and how you come to know it.

proximity to mesa, arizona, principally.

From: Michelle C.
Subject: getting ahead.
Date: Mon, 17 Feb 2003

Hey there,

I'm not sure if that was really funny or really scary. I think I will sit on the fence for that one...

But either way it was yet ANOTHER great way to make my day go by!

thanks man..

Oh and I actually could relate to the Hallucinowagner...it has happened to me...but with other things...like Hallucinokeys and things...


From: Mahendra
Subject: Astrology and Horse Racing by Rigel Spica
Date: Mon, 17 Feb 2003

Dear Sir,

I would like to get hold of your book on astrology and horse racing. Please advise as to how I can buy it.

long gone. wish i had a gross of them, as many requests as i get.

Date: Fri, 14 Feb 2003
From: liz c.
Subject: Whip It! FREE to good home (fwd)

I guess no one is up for flying out to San Jose and driving this to the midwest in an Easter Bunny costume, huh?

WHY YI OUGHTER...!

Date: Thu, 13 Feb 2003
From: ss ss

nice smiting of the mormon there...
i'm dying to find out what the deal is with the secret underwear thing.

tried to buy some once (at zcmi, a mormon-owned department store). no go -- gotta have a temple recommend on ya.

gotta love them mormons!

i just. can't. do it.

Date: 10 Feb 2003
From: abalone
Subject: Sugarbush

To the cat perplexed by
Gary Bear:
It's beeen almost
a year since that show
and maybe you've already
rediscovered us, BUT
maybe you havent and
HERE we are: SUGARBUSH:
you asked, in a little
side note, about us.
If you're still interested
in a CD just write us ...

Look for a CD release
party in late Spring:
out comes our 2nd CD:
the bloody head and half-
a-torso are showing...
Lastly, we have a show

coming up (exactly a year
later following the Daniel
Johnston
show) at Club Congress
Feb. 25, opening for Pere Ubu.
There you have it.

Thanks,
Kee from Sugarbush.


From: princess seapunky
Subject: just saying hi :)
Date: Fri, 07 Feb 2003

hiya deuce, i just wanted to say hi and see how you're doing. i love the quasi-new amusive play section!

muchas gracias. hello wagner seems to be having the desired effect on people (that is, he creeps out most of them). i, of course, find him charming.

did you ever find the bastards that took your stuff?

i will catch up with them one day. or fate will. they had better hope that fate gets them first.

i myself have had an incident... in moving from my mother's house last july, somehow officer ugg's coloring book got misplaced/thrown out by someone being careless... and all that is left are poorly scanned and color edited pictures. :( i feel like a part of my life is missing.

that is terrible! i think you know that i, as your fellow officer ugg afficionado, feel the pain of this. i am sorry for your loss. (and, really, the world's, given that yours was officer ugg's premiere representation on the web.) it's 3 am. i shouldn't be sad at 3 am.

on the other hand, a few weeks ago my boyfriend and i were on an excursion to the grocery store and we found a brand of ramen called "smack".

nice! i just gave a friend a book called smack! the other day. it really was about heroin, but i liked how the publishers tried to shock with a lurid, "hip" title (it was from the sixties, i think).

then in the asian food section there was a package of ramen that said "HOT LUNCH". *snicker*

holy sh-- ... well, you know.
are you going to scan that and share it with us?

oh well, take care of yourself, and write back if you have the chance!

love,
mollie

this was that chance. and i took it. took the HELL out of it.

From: Timothy W.
Subject: Explanation for Tom Murray's Prefatory to Passing of the Outhouse
Date: Sat, 1 Feb 2003

Just thought you all would like to know the origins of Tom's quote there in the Prefatory. Kind of funny that he called it a Prefatory, since no one else does these days. Mark Twain, in his very own Prefatory to Roughing It:

"Yes, take it all around, there is quite a good deal of information in the book. I regret this very much; but really it could not be helped: information appears to stew out of me naturally, like the precious ottar of roses out of the otter."

So, there you have it. Evidently it was some kind of tribute to Mark Twain...?


Date: Wed, 29 Jan 2003
From: monkeybitch
Subject: sculpture lady search

Hiya Doc and sweet,sweet Wagner,

sculpture lady search: The shoe reminded me of a sculpture by Henry Moore,perhaps this is who you're looking for.

mb
(official art school drop-out)


From: Karen
Date: Wed, 29 Jan 2003
Subject: Got the story on the amusement park on I-10

Hello Doc,

If you're interested. It's not much of a story.

I read this story in the AZ Daily Star several years ago. I can't remember names or dates involved, but here it is.

A man built an amusement park in an eastern state, possibly Ohio, but I'm not sure. He built it in the 60s or 70s and ran that park for several decades. Finally, he decided to sell it and retire to AZ. He used the money from the sale to buy the land along I-10. After a while, he became bored and wanted to do something, so he decided to build another amusement park. He was doing most of the work himself, although he did hire out some of the larger jobs.

Unfortunately there was a followup to that story a couple years later. Apparently he had become ill and all work stopped. The family wasn't sure what they wanted to do with the land and "improvements" on it.

And that's it.

it needs to be crazier. i'll give you a week or so to punch it up.

Date: Mon, 27 Jan 2003
From: jess

your response to your mormon critic dropped my jaw. y'know, anyone could be snide to an idiot, but actually taking the time to trounce an idiot rhetorically (not an easy task, since they tend to be using a logic all their own) -- that takes class.


From: Tim H.
Subject: 666
Date: Wed, 22 Jan 2003

Amazing. On a completely unrelated and marvelously coincidental note, my brother just got a new cellphone number. (xxx)xxx-0666.... At dinner tonight, my father asked him, "You know what that stands for, right? The devil. It stands for the devil." Well, at least it's easy to remember the devil.

plus, maybe now your brother will hardly ever get sick!

From: Ellen P.
Subject: Switcheroos
Date: Mon, 20 Jan 2003

I absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE all of your switcheroos! The Brittney Spears one had me crying and falling out of my chair!

there is a disclaimer somewhere on the site for that sort of thing. suffice it to say, we are eminently unsueable.

Heard of your site through the Sweet Potato Queens Message Board of Love (new home of Lady Chatterly's Phast Phyllis - formerly a Quahog). You'll be happy to know that ALL of my images are hosted on my own webspace! :0)

well done, thou good & faithful image non-linker.

Date: Mon, 20 Jan 2003
From: Deuce IsnotRight <deuce_isnt_right@yahoo.com>
Subject: Do not Publish on the web false statements

Do not Publish on the web (or anywhere) false statements, nor things you do not truely know about.

When you do this, the more you will believe in the wrong things in life. The way you state things makes you seem like you are for the events of 9-11-2001. Such hatered in your statements that does not even make since. Remember, a fool would believe a lie, and then live that lie. A fool would build his/her house on sand before a storm or a flood. A fool would repeat history.

Make sure you get your facts straight and in truth, but in lies and deceit. How could one make it in life, when that life is of false?

-Remember, this is just a friendly advise. If you do not wish to receive these advise, then you should have not included your e-mail address on your site: http://www.deuceofclubs.com/contact.htm. Little do you know. Lot more you should ask and get correct.

ah, the english language is such a thing of beauty. perhaps you've heard of it. perhaps you learned yours from hello wagner. if not, may i suggest that course of action to you? you are most welcome.

by the way ... where did you read whatever it is you think makes me "for the events of 9-11-2001?" you managed to create a yahoo address specifically for the purpose of telling me i am wrong, and you tell me where my own contact page is (thank you so much), but you didn't bother to tell me the location of the material that's got your dander dandered.

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