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From: nathan g.
Date: Wed, 15 Jan 2003

Duece,

(*deuce*, thank you.)

you know in most countries of the world there's a policy of "innocent until proven guilty."

in courts of law, yes. here in these united states, the courts have also upheld -- so far, that is -- something called the first amendment, which, in brief, recognizes my natural right to ridicule whatever damnfool belief i care to ridicule.

i just read your comments on the "mormons" and the planet kolob. there seemed to be a tinge of doubt in the language used to express your feelings on the subject.

doubt? that some new york con artist magically gained the inside scoop about some distant planet called *kolob*? doubt about that? gee, how could that have crept in there?

(only a tinge? i need to revisit that page.)

i'll have to get to that a little later, though -- john edward's show is on!! GRANNY! GRANNY! SPEAK TO MEEEEE!

i'd be more than willing to bet that you don't actually have any idea what the mormon beliefs are

you would lose that bet. (speaking of blind faith.)

and you are using this album as a ticket to slander. i'll give you the benefit of the doubt however and assume that you are of an intellegent species...

i'm on the internet; therefore, i could be a dog. i'd have to be an intelligent dog, though, i guess. or i could be from kolob. yeah, yeah! i AM from kolob! john edward told me i am a kolobian! oops, wait, hold on! i'm getting something! it's a message -- a message from kolob!

** clear channel for transmission from planet kolob **

BEHOLD ALL YE DWELLERS UPON THE EARTH, AND HEARKEN UNTO ME AND GIVE EAR UNTO MINE WORDS WHICH I AM SPEAKING UNTO THEE, RIGHT NOW, FROM HERE, YOU KNOW ... ON KOLOB:

message follows in 5 ... 4 ... 3 --

KOLOB IS A GIANT CROCK!!!

SORRY, COULDN'T WAIT TO TELL YOU. I THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY EXCITING NEWS. SHOCKED THE HELL OUT OF EVERYONE HERE ON KOLOB, I CAN TELL YOU.

THAT IS ALL

[BURP]

[unidentified voice: thank you for subscribing to our religious hokum. we know you have a choice when it comes to methods of shutting down your ability for critical thinking, and we thank you for choosing ours. beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep]

** end transmission from planet kolob. ***

that said; if you can EVER give one shred of proof (not opinion)

how about the ol' mormon standby -- a "burning in the bosom" that convinces me i am right about kolob? will you accept that as proof?

(neither would i.)

that the "mormons" are incorrect in their beliefs then i believe you might have the right to profane the faith of millions

okay, just stop for a second and think. if some religious outfit is making wild claims to possess THE TRUTH, on whom falls the onus to prove the truth of THE TRUTH?

i'll make it easy for you -- multiple choice format:
  1. the religious outfit making wild claims to possess THE TRUTH.
  2. the religious outfit making wild claims to possess THE TRUTH.
  3. everyone not a part of group a, b, or d.
  4. the religious outfit making wild claims to possess THE TRUTH.

NO! NOT C!! for the -- love -- of -- GOD! i gave you a three out of four chance to get it right!!!

but i will warn you that others have tried (even in court) and no one has ever been able to disprove this religion. granted it has never been proven (by man) either. it's a religion of faith and faith is what leads the hopes of this churches members. you can't prove whether they have faith or not; that's something only they can say.

i could jump off a building shouting that i have faith that i can fly, but unless i have some pixy dust, it's going to be a fairly brief flight.

unless, of course, i really can fly. in which case, it's not a matter of faith, it's a matter of fact. cos i'd be all, LOOKIT ME! I CAN FLY! and you'd be all, GEE, I GUESS I WAS WRONG ABOUT HIM NOT BEIN ABLE TAH FLY 'N' AWWWL. and i'd be in your face with, IN YOUR FACE! IN YOUR FACE! it'd be fun. better hope i never learn to fly.

take great care in when attacking peoples' beliefs; just think, if there is a way for a person to become a god, you probably missed out.

you can thank your god (yourself?) for that. for verily i would smite thee with a smiteful smiting. SMITE! SMITE! SMITE!
like on batman.

i'd much rather put my faith the idea, and find out later whether i'm right or wrong, than shoot it down right now before i really know.

presumably, therefore, unless you have already disproved them in a court of law (i don't read the papers much, so i might have missed the headline NON-MORMON WORLD RELIGIONS DISPROVED BY LONE SCHOLAR), you also place your faith in hinduism. and in buddhism. and in judaism and jainism. and in scientology.

no, just kidding. not scientology. (i mean, seriously -- you're better off falling for mormonism. at least that way you can wear your goofy religious garments under your street clothes.)

that's just some food for thought; take it or starve.

your crumbs of wisdom are wasted at a humor site. we're all house of mirth & stuff here.

write back if you feel the need;

yes. I NEEEEEEEEEEEEED YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU SOOOOO MUUUCHHHHH. you've hit it right square on the thumb, there.

or if you find me some proof to back your claims.

how about this -- first go and find me some proof that my message from kolob is not genuine.

nathan g.

p.s. i noticed a certain fear of the "mormon mailing list." just so you know; it travels in pairs; if you don't find it, it will find you.

i am not afraid. i shall scorch them with my burning bosom.

take a bosom to lunch,
doc

Date: Tue, 14 Jan 2003
From: illuminatrix
Subject: p.s. Hello Wagner

The Amusive Play section of your site, Hello Wagner and all that, disturbs me. I have to look, and then have to look away and can't.

ah, the fulfillment of my work.

Will you please make Hello Wagner screensaver?

i've never made a screensaver. or do you mean wallpaper?

Cursors!

i don't know how to make cursors, either. perhaps i could sub-contract the work to simon legree.

Date: Mon, 13 Jan 2003
From: Gila Mon
Subject: undercover sex-change operation

My new wallpaper image on my computer at work is the Bible inscribed by Jesus, "Keep on truckin'". I shared that with my students today. They got a big kick out of it.


Date: Mon, 13 Jan 2003
From: aristeia
Subject: by the way...

...i don't have any tweed, but i did an experiment with my canvas army jacket, and sure 'nuff, you can get headlights through that thing. extreme tightness is crucial, of course, and proper lighting (like the top-and-side job they've got on merrill) doesn't hurt. but it's not impossible.

lordy, i never realized physics could be such fun

of course, some jackets are also just cut like that. i mean, the seams do that.

i was waiting for someone to suggest that.

however...

DISALLOWED

doesn't look like that's what's happening here, though...

the relief is palpable.

if it were an underbust dart, i'd blame it on that, but from the closeup it looks to be a full princess seam.

(took the words right out of my mouth)

(i equals costume nerd.)

there is such a thing

her advice on crazy people is excellent. it's ms. markoe you should be listening to, not me!

as long as she doesn't charge by the hour. and wear tweed.

From: IG
Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2002
Subject: deuce of clubs raves on guibbory

Doc:

I found a thread concerning Guibbory while searching for something else. I wrote to you a while back about the signatures in his book, which you refer to in the thread (Fred H. 8/26/02). From his description, Fred's signature is authentic. the one in your book is not (sigh).

Jeffrey H's contribution of 10/20/02 is essentially true. Jeffrey H seems to have in-depth knowledge of obscure facts. I would welcome his additional comments, preferably on a one-to-one basis. My amendments to his statement (to my best knowledge) are as follows.

  1. Guibbory was the author of the book which he wrote in Hebrew (some parts of the original manuscript still exist in his hand). Horowitz and Guibbory together translated the work into English.

  2. The "Aber Goldstein" reference actually should be to "Aber Goldberg". Guibbory never forgave Horowitz for falling for Aber's deception.

  3. Carter signed his house over to his wife "in consideration of love and devotion", but later divorced her, possibly because of Aber's abuse. Guibbory eventually married Carter's ex-wife to whom he remained devoted until his death.

Bruce D's interest in finding a copy of the book (11/20/02) should lead him to the main branch of the New York Public Library on 42nd St. or to the Library of Congress. Guibbory's family have retained some copies but would not likely part with them.

Carter died in 1944 after a routine hernia operation, Guibbory of natural causes in 1985, his widow in 2001. David Horowitz reached the venerable age of 99, passing late this year.

Guibbory was sincere in his belief about his own messianic destiny. The depth and subtlety of thought he possessed and his powers of analysis were immense and real. Unfortunately, delusions of omniscience, obsession with recognition and insistence upon obedience and unchallenged authority alienated him from the mainstream and left deep scars upon anyone in his umbrage.

funny, people often say exactly the same thing about someone i know. fortunately for us both, i readily and regularly bow in obedience to his unchallenged authority.

Date: Fri, 3 Jan 2003
From: crumbly donut
Subject: dat damb websense

Sir.

It's been too long. Happy holidays. Happy hope-it-aint-the-last-few-weeks-before-some-serious-bad-shit-goes-down....days. Yo. I'm saying.

So, this is also what is being said:

Man. Since I've been at this company workplace of mine(which is otherwise pretty good to me), I've been web sensed to the dickens. Web-sensed out of every interestin' site there is it seemed.

hadn't heard of web-sense before. screw that bastardy crapoly!

I found a partial work around with Lotus notes so's I can see Mr. Cardhouse and few other places, but Deuce of Clubs has been out of reach lo these past few years.

Sure, sure. I've been ABLE to view it all at home. But I know, I remember, your insistance, your preference at least, that people muddle around the site during working hours.

wannabe pope grants you a papal dispensation to visit whenever you like.

So, here's I am, BACK. Cause I found the shizznit way of getting past the lame-o websense as good as dat Mizter Dizzle done do it!

Indeed.

And here's the other thing, I've been onto the hot, RIGHTNESS of Sarah Silberman for years.

yours correctly,
Crumbly Damn Donut


Date: Wed, 01 Jan 2003
From: Tina T.
Subject: my mystery castle

I just returned from a visit to Arizona, my first stop after landing was to the mystery castle. My great-grandmother, had visited it & often spoke of it to my mother. My grandmother even gave my mom a copy of the book signed by Mary Lou, but my grandmother lent it out to a friend of hers & my mother has not seen it since, probably more than 33 years ago.

(o the tragedy...)

I understand this book is no longer in print & I was wondering if you knew how I could find a copy of it. My mother would be thrilled to have it again. The best I could do for her was take a picture with Mary Lou & I hope that comes out when I get the film developed.
Thank You for any help you could offer...

de nada. there are four copies of my mystery castle currently available at bookfinder.com. bonus -- looks like all are signed.

but i'm sure your mother will appreciate the photo of mary lou as well.

From: Barbara
Subject: Ernest Noyes Brooking's WE DID NOT PLUMMET INTO SPACE
Date: Mon, 30 Dec 2002

Hello - I work with the Duplex Planet - the archive and editor of works by Ernest Noyes Brookings. I wanted to let you know that though Ernie is no longer alive, works continue to be published/recorded. There is more information on the Duplex Planet website. We are in the process of filling Ernie's house with his archives, but in the meantime, there are many poems in full text, a complete list of all his poems and more facts about him. (I have just checked and found that the links are not up yet - but many other portals are.)

There have been five compliations of Brookings lyrics recorded by musicians - most of those are still available (most readily through the website.)

i think i have about three of those. they're always fun.

I have much more exploring to do at Deuce of Clubs (oddly, I pickup playing cards from the street whenever I see them. My most recent find was a deuce of clubs.)

funny. my friend at cardhouse.com is putting together (from submissions) a complete deck of cards, dubbed the "deck o' junk."

I found my way to you through a friend who saw the Brookings book - so I entered there.

With best wishes - and Happy New Year.
Barbara

as good an entry point as any. from ernie's writings and answers to david's questions, he seems to have been a lovely man. i used to have an ernie brookings t-shirt, which i always wore with a special feeling of pride and warmth, but i think it was stolen.

Date: Mon, 30 Dec 2002
From: lara7

the Hello Wagner was truly disturbing. but you knew that.

hello wagner beams with pride. he is beautiful.

From: Anaisabine
Date: Sat, 28 Dec 2002

i love the crystal wagner.. what a great gift! what a great friend!


From: Kenny Irwin
Date: Sun, 22 Dec 2002
Subject: This is Kenny Irwin-Reguarding new art I made

For the first time I have seen the great website you made about me. I really appreciate it. As you know the light display is going on right now. I have done 2,695,050 lights this year. It is unlike anything you have ever seen to date. I also have built over 117 new robots since 1997 and drawn over 540 new drawings up to 7 feet in size. The largest robot was 102 feet tall and weighs 54 tons. The installations are even far larger and more amazing than ever. You must try to come down before Jan. 6th and see the most spectacular Christmas display I have ever made. I just you get this email. Please let me know asap. Check out a website that shows alot of my work at stores.andale.com/perfectlymadebirds. Thankyou:-)


From: Ms. Ultima
Date: Sat, 21 Dec 2002

Amusive Play depresses me -- I can't help thinking the products are going to spontaneously combust out of sheer shoddiness.

oh, no. they are plastic. they will outlast the cockroaches.

My current favorite feature at DoC is Switcheroo. Oh the comeuppance! I too love Britney (hey! I didn't say that! What did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO?!),

oops, i did it again.

From: Ms. Ultima
Date: Sat, 21 Dec 2002

I don't want to get all up in your heezy, but this didn't pull up for me.

hrmm, seems to work. n' shit. so, whoa, back outta my heezy, weezy!

From: mineurcanal
Subject: ? Date: Fri, 20 Dec 2002

did you create the excellent active super amusive play site yourself?

hello kitty helped me.

also, is the etiquette a pad?

i'll be glad if people think it is, but it's actually a travel facial tissue pack.

i'm almost afraid to know...and since when does a cartoon say "!..." is that a chinese version of woodstock?

no. the chinese version of woodstock is held in tiananmen square, but no exclamation marks are permitted.

(just to head off angry emails ... yes, i know who woodstock is. big peanuts fan as a kid, here.)

Date: Wed, 18 Dec 2002
From: Bob S.

Man, you are the KING of Kitsch!

Bob

PS Bob is Bob but treboles is selobert!

you know, i never really thought of it that way.

Date: Tue, 17 Dec 2002
From: babs

wonderful.
i love janglish instructions. LOVE.
i am still disturbed by the the butt crack bank.
and i think i will be ever more, ever more.

poe you.

Date: Tue, 17 Dec 2002
From: j
Subject: super amusive play

whatever possessed you? let's go ask wrinkley clint eastwood!

l.o.l.

hello wagner! thinks he has an idea what clint might say ... and it ain't nice

that was really too funny. super amusive.


Date: Tue, 17 Dec 2002
From: Audra S.

you crack me up!

but do i buttcrack you up?

Date: Mon, 16 Dec 2002
From: Cardhouse Robot

In some sense, Hello Wagner is almost as creepy as Slim Wagner.

that's the nicest thing you could have said. <sniff>

In another sense, it's not even a contest because Slim Wagner still gives me nightmares on occasion.

ok, *that's* the nicest thing you could have said.

Date: Mon, 16 Dec 2002
From: Laurie M.

you outdone yourself this time.
THAT IS BEAUTIFUL!!!

and amusive. one hopes.

Date: Sun, 15 Dec 2002
From: j

say - i like the book inscriptions... but you have stopped telling us what the book was? i really need to know ALL the information, you see.

they're all there, all right. (we specialize in ALL the information.)

From: a fan of DOC back east
Date: Tue, 10 Dec 2002

I found this on DOC and nearly pissed myself:


From: Tony B.
Subject: RE: Deadbolt
Date: Sat, 7 Dec 2002

They have a new fan, thanks to a random web search where I was trying to find an audio clip of an Orgazmo scene ("Is Scott Bayo Sancho?") and stumbled across the Cockeye.htm page. I plan on buying the CD with that song on it and I look forward to their next show in the SouthWest.


Date: Thu, 5 Dec 2002
From: jess

NICE WORK!


From: Coffeehippie
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 2002 13:14:51 EST Subject: will send money...

willing to send cash if you can help me get my hands on a copy of the 666 cough syrup ad with the little school kiddies on it...V ERYsweet!


From: Bruce D.
Subject: The Bible in the Hands of It's [sic] creators
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 2002

I have been looking for this book for a while. I read your brief review on it and wondered if you knew where a person could buy one or at least borrow one for a while.

that's a tough one. every time someone writes asking, i check the net, but i've never seen one listed. i don't think many were printed.
eventually I'll be selling mine, when I locate it.

From: Jaymie N.
Subject: Wagner Bust Repair
Date: Sun, 17 Nov 2002

I don't know if you've gotten any emails regarding this, but I felt it wouldn't hurt you to have one more.

I am assuming that the bust is authentic and not a cheap plastic cast

the HELL you say

since, you know, it didn't float before the addition of foam, and the way it is cracking is suggestive of at least plaster, if not a true sculpture. If this is so, then foam (as you obviously know) is not the best way to go.

actually, it was working just fine until wagner got packed away into an unpressurized jet cargo bin

What I would recommend would be using sculpting clay (which can be found at any crafts store) to fill in the gaps. Clay that dries in the sunlight can be bought and while it won't last as long as the kind you need a kiln for, it is cheaper and should still do the trick.

wagner used to have a collar of sculpting clay, back when it was just the head that had been busted. it never did harden sufficiently, though.

An alternative that would at least work better than foam is something I only know under the name of "mud". I guess it's the kind of spackle stuff that you use to smooth out walls and fill in holes before painting? It's more prone to breaking than clay is, but might make a suitable alternative.

i'm not sure wagner would want to be spackled.

No matter what you use, you need to clean the foam out first. I'm not sure how to do this, but I know some people that might (they are currently asleep right now, so I'd have to get back to you on that). Right at this moment I would suggest turpentine or some other solvent designed for dissolving away at things.

If you absolutely do not have the time for this, I'd be happy to do it for you for the cost of shipping and supplies. You certainly don't have to, especially given you have no idea who I am, but the offer does stand.

Good Luck with the Bust,
Jaymie

Crazy like a butterfly...

thanks for the offer, but wagner's kind of gotten used to his rugged individualist look. he claims it's the craggy, wizened old composers who get the women.

From: Ultima Lovely
Date: Fri, 15 Nov 2002

Cool re: the Violent Femme posting (the latter half of that appellation being the lass, the former your reaction to her politics). I always feel momentarily part of the universe's scheme when I stumble upon an unusual deuce.

scheme; yes, that's a good way of putting it.

How do you catch a rare deuce? Unique up on it.

<oof!>

P.S. I plan to be in AZ circa Dec. 22-28. Let's watch that Rudolph claymation backwards and warp our worldview.

if we watch it backwards, will it undo all the damage from years of watching it forward?

Date: Fri, 15 Nov 2002
From: Kathy B.
Subject: Re: I want a time machine!!!

Oh, my. This is priceless.

(Damn those commercials for draining that word of meaning.)

no kidding. i was PISSED when i saw the one they were running during the world series. it should have ended:

Hijacking Gehrig and Robinson for commercial purposes:

Shameless

From: Jeroen S.
Subject: show low and other shady places
Date: Fri, 15 Nov 2002

Hi deuce,

howdy
< ?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" / >

took the words right out of my keyboard

all week long i promised myself a cruisy day in the office. today, friday, it's happening.

you need bigger promises, amigo

a friend from tucson arizona pointed me in your direction in connexxion to the shady dell, bisbee, az.

and me being a dutchman still familiar with deuce of clubs in show low.

you must surely be in the minority of dutchmen in that respect

even better i was there (and in snowflake) when it was snowing in the winter of 98. (i assume it snows all the time up there to chase the q-tips out of town )

q-tips -- one of my favorite terms of elder abuse. did you learn it here, or do the dutch have an equivalent term?

anyway just wanted to tell you cooks up there i had to laugh a lot about your stories about all these pretty little narrow minded bureaucrats. and just to cheer you up i'm bleeding too and bureaucrats are the same here. (maybe they all come from the same smelly skunk works or ghostly phantom plant).

is there no way we can get them to go to the same place. such as, say, the sulphurous pits of hell?

anyway, i am battling the (dutch) red tape to feed the american red tape with document input in order (so they may file it unseen in a folder) to come to america on a more permanent basis.

good luck, sir. we definitely need more anti-bureaucrats here.

and of course the always eminent and therefore obsolete question arises: WHY ?

because there are still people like yous guys (of the female kind mainly) with this splendid sense of humor, all your funky friends, all these wonderful landscapes, cruisy towns like bisbee and fine weather in the south west during winter.

not that it is that evil in my country but still: i'm ready for a change.

allright i'm 404 and taking 86

er, 23 skidoo

From: Timothy M.
Subject: wagner's
Date: Wed, 13 Nov 2002

i have no idea what this website is all about but its pretty cool. wierd, but cool. i grew up in new orleans and have eaten meat from Wagner's Meats. i also have a "You Can't Beat Wagner's Meat" t-shirt (just like the bumper sticker).
so i am a wagner fan by default.

SO ROCK ON!!!!!!

rocking until further notice. out.

Date: Mon, 11 Nov 2002
From: Scott T.
Subject: Thanks For the Switcheroo site..

Having been someone whos been linked via fark, etc, think they should be raped by a large horse.

there could be a huge graphic of a fark-raping horse, which gets uploaded to fark, and then linked from other sites, and then ... and then ... and then ...

Date: Wed, 06 Nov 2002
From: Hesby

Hoarse, cocaine-addled politicos bray into microphones, reverberating through the consoles of my yuppie hell-dweller condo. Madmen, all of them, but tonight is the one night that some of them finally acknowledge at least a fleeting acceptance of reality as they concede their defeat at the polls.

because they are comforted in the knowledge that their opponents (bedfellows) will continue to fight the good (evil) fight (clusterfuck).

Speaking of braying madmen, I was hoping to hear about the status of some of your ongoing schemes, especially the location (I know, nothing too specific) of the current DoC headquarters.

currently, both headquarters and hindquarters are in the saddle.

In the meantime, I'll provide you with a brief update from my side of the 45th parallel. My lovable but deficient brother has hit paydirt as a software mercenary for hire in [deleted per Ministry of Security] County. His biggest (and currently only) customer is the beleaguered I.T. department of your favorite sheriff, [deleted per Ministry of Security]. He says the pay is good and the flexible hours allow him to spend more time at home with his new bigfoot baby.

b-b- ... b-b-b- ... b-baby?

The captives there (the ones outside of the bars) hold my brother's skills in such high regard that many think he can transform dog shit into gold.

i seem to have a knack for the opposite trick. can i be amazing?

I myself am only capable of turning guacamole into tapioca.

mmmmmmm ... guaciocaaaaaaaaa ....

The draw of becoming some kind of independent data janitor myself is significant, but I worry that my moose-like odor and tendency toward random, inappropriate outbursts will diminish my chances of repeat business.

the secret lies in selecting clients who are smellier than thou.

i did not say the secret was difficult.

I made contact with Max recently, but as you may already know, she is pretty far gone,

i am pretty sure max is not knocked up.

and virtually worthless as an operative. The whole cat thing is merely the tip of the iceberg. As for the sizable cast of disappointing characters who comprise her pathetic entourage, they don't seem to bring her much solace, either.

That is all,
Agent Hesby

an entourage isn't supposed to bring one solace. it is supposed to bring one bon-bons.

stand by for sleeper agent activation in 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... GO!

dochq

Date: Fri, 25 Oct 2002
From: Cardhouse Robot

I jumped from Mountain Monograms (and the kit - oh that was freakin' HILARIOUS)

jean does not disappoint.

to the Brokaw phone booth article... I realize now I haven't seen the clip.


From: Max
Date: 21 October 2002
Subject: Cats and nuts

do you have the same problem with nuts that Cardhouse does? I assume you too don't like hard in soft, blah blah blah, you have so many it's hard to keep track

no, mine has to do with the mixing of food and candy. PAY ATTENTION

Otto is now 1 yr 1 month old and weighing in at a wopping 16 lbs!

good lord, what a hog

plus for the past few days he's been sucking on one of his own nipples so hard it's now bleeding! man - he's RETARDED!

i had to stop typing for a second, i was laughing so hard. all the damned cat photos you send and you don't send a picture of THAT?

I have a call in to the vet, I hope he calls with something to put over Otto's nipple (pasty?)

try the girls at the acropolis. oh, wait. they didn't wear pasties. (and yes, i did think of a rude nether regions joke, but i am too classy to say it.)

so he can't get to it any more, I was trying to think of something that tasted bad so he wouldn't suck on it, but cats eat poop, so I imagine nothing tastes bad to him (except for all the bags of kitty treats I have, he won't eat those)

and this is the same furry dork who sprays diarrhea all over your apartment, right? i know you've told me, but i forgot -- why are cats good, again?

maybe I should put nuts on his nipple?

or you could just staple his nuts to his nipples. that ought to give him something worthwhile to think about for a change

just trying to help,
doc

From: Jeffrey D.
Subject: The Bible In the Hands of Its Creators
Date: Sun, 20 Oct 2002

I noticed some questions on your email board about the different signatures, I can answer these questions if you like.

(yes, please)

The book was written by Moses Guibbory, and David Horowitz. Horowitz met Guibbory while he was living in the Sanhedrin Cave outside of Jerusalem in 1927. Guibbory convinced Horowitz that he was the messiah, and Horowitz dedicated his life to Guibbory and his work. Guibbory used Horowitz terribly, sending him back to the USA to solicit large donations and set up a foundation. It was Horowitz, with the help of a few others (Including the then famous Boake Carter radio personality) who actually go the book published. When all the work was done, Guibbory came to the US and took the whole thing over, took Carter's house, possessions, and wife, and tossed Horowitz. During the time that Horowitz was struggling to get the book published for Guibbory, a mysterious black man called "Aber Goldstein" conned Horowitz into believing that he was Moses Guibbory in another body. The book was published before Guibbory actually arrived in the US, so Aber "signed" the books "as" Guibbory. By the time Guibbory arrived, Aber had been picked up by the FBI on past charges (he had also been sexually abusing Boake Carter's wife and another young girl) and Moses was furious that Horowitz had been duped by Aber. Moses signed the rest of the books, and in some cases actually signed OVER the forgery of Aber. Guibbory lapsed into obscurity, but Horowitz went one to work for the UN and was an accomplished statesman.

muchas gracias. that definitely clears things up some.

Date: Fri, 18 Oct 2002
Subject: The number
From: William C.

Just thought you would like to know that 666 occurs three times (that I could find) in the Bible.

Kings 1 10:14 Now the weight of gold that came to Solomon in one year was six hundred threescore and six talents of gold,

Ezra 2:13 The children of Adonikam, six hundred sixty and six.

Revelation 13:18 Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.

Make of this what you will.


Date: Tue, 08 Oct 2002
From: erika
Subject: love anf info

hi there,
love your site ,i always get caught up in it, reading for hours.

say hi to Wagner for me, he's such a cutie.


Date: Tue, 01 Oct 2002
From: Steve W.
Subject: Bones Fiedler

Whip It,

I was searching the internet for bones players and found your page.


Date: Tue, 24 Sep 2002
From: Candi Strecker

I hadn't looked over Deuce of Clubs for about six months and just recently had a chunk of time to get caught up on it -- you're doing some great great stuff there, and I'm going to have to keep more current with what you're posting! Loved the history of the big-mountainside-letters, and the Yeats poem spelled out in paperback titles, which in particular was pure frickin' genius. Oh yeah, and the newspaper columns by that smalltown arizona woman -- excellent dredging! I was happy to see all this new stuff, I guess I'd assumed you'd petered out on posting things -- as so many people do after setting up a web site -- good for you for going against the tide there.


From: Ira and Pass
Date: Sat, 21 Sep 2002
Subject: Book Suggestion: Piddler on the Hoof

Piddler on the Hoof by S.I. Fishgal
The derisive living truth, escapades and sexcapades, eccentricity and idioms emotionally awake a preschooler in the Red Army's Rearguard during the WWII and trigger readers' thrills, laughter and bittersweet tears.
S.I. Fishgal could refer to hundreds of his publications in the USA, England, Canada, Russia and Ukraine, scandalous court files and the like WHO'S WHOs. As a gentleman, he does not. Readers sniff out anyhow -- a bit touched soul bares itself (souls have no sex) and spills the guts in this potent, rich, vivid, fascinating, stimulating and teasing novel.

always good to hear from authors pretending to be reviewers. if the book's as nonsensical as the review, it's got to be worth a look.

Date: Fri, 20 Sep 2002
From: Juan M.
Subject: kidnapped by planet earth

hiya doc,

all's well. i have absolutely no news to share, and no comments on the news coming out of my adopted state. one comment, maybe: yes, florida is strange and deserves every punchline thrown at it.

not even florida deserves janet reno.

we, to paraphrase you quoting someone else, dumb.

anyway. the chris bunyan book reminded me that i had picked up a similarly-titled sweet valley high selection. i have not read it (i'm about 200 pages away from finishing halberstam's funny and scary deconstruction of the vietnam mess, the best and the brightest) but i'm sure i will.

i am glad to know you are not reading sweet valley high books. from beyond the grave, vladimir n. must agree.

my best to you and to arizona, where i'm guessing people have voting machines that work.

that, we have. candidates worth voting for, we don't.

From: MedvedM
Date: Tue, 17 Sep 2002

Hello,

A friend of mine sent me this address and said I should give you guys a try. I'm looking for the, "Bedside Book of Bastards."

Can you help?

Marc

scared me for a minute there -- i thought you were michael medved

you can choose from a number of copies at bookfinder

Date: Sun, 8 Sep 2002
From: liz
Subject: Check out our new fall lineup!

Hello screen-watcher,
[...]
Program us into your TiVo and don't forget to tune in for sweeps week!

funny to hear from you -- i'm doing the lay-low in bisbee for a while & i was talking around a kitchen table with pals laurie & laura, and laurie said something that prompted me to bring up wind-up, but before i could, laura did it. and she's not even someone i would have thought would know about it. so there ya go. she remembers windup milk cow best (if that's right); i remember windup cactus blender (again, if that's right -- maybe neither of us remembers a damnded thing).

how many different titles were there?

that is totally weird that my zine would ever come up at all; do you remember what the topic was that prompted its reminder in your and laura's brains?

i can't remember at all. laura says we were just talking about zines in general. i was pretty much floored by the coincidence

wind-up cactus blender wasn't even like, a real issue. i actually forget what it was, perhaps it was the name on the rubberstamp for the return address.

there was:
wind-up toy
wind-up frozen entree
wind-up toaster pastry
wind-up industrial burnoff
wind-up butter cow

funny -- if asked in court, i would have sworn there were at least a dozen...

that's great! it's nice to feel like i was more widely-read than i probably was.


Date: Mon, 9 Sep 2002
From: Charlie M.
Subject: Choco Taco

I read the review of the Choco taco - I was wondering why you think Chocolate is in the dairy family?

choc-o-late:Fermented, roasted, shelled, and ground cacao seeds, often combined with a sweetener or flavoring agent

chocolate & milk go together like peaches 'n' cream. peaches therefore are dairy.

I will give you (*STREEETCH*) that the term "peaches 'n cream" is a dairy, as is "milk chocolate". But I cannot agree that peaches or chocolate - on their own - are in the dairy family (BY GOD, THEY DON'T COME FROM A TEET!)

(MAYBE NOT, BUT I USE MY TEET TO EATS EM)

Sorry
Charlie

i'll sorry charlie, you, boy-o. careful before i start telling you that peaches is chocolate

From: TimeTrader TimeAngles
Date: Wed, 04 Sep 2002

Hello Deuce
ARe you interested in selling that astrology horse racing book? let me know. thanks

i sold that a couple of years ago. what i don't understand is why there are so many requests for it -- what is special about that book that makes it so desirable?

it might not be worth a shit, but astrologers who work the astro on the turf are always looking for a book on the subject.
thanks for the response


Date: Mon, 02 Sep 2002
From: Semolina

SpongeBob makes it onto DoC! Is this a first?

No, thank YOU, Deuce. It is ALWAYS a fun kick to be deemed *Wagner* enough & to see one's stuff up on your site.

SpongeBob Lives!!

XXOO, Semolina


Date: Thu, 29 Aug 2002
From: Laurie Notaro

fuck you, you m.i.a. asshole.
where are you? WHERE ARE YOU???
I miss you.
are you in the desert? did you sell the house?
i am so tired, i am really exhausted. I have so much to do I am overwhelmed. just got back last night from the book tour.
tell me what's going on.
and don't you dare refer me to the website.
you fucker.
love, laurie


Date: Sun, 1 Sep 2002
From: jess
Subject: wagner's meat

DAMMIT! i really wanted to send you a "you can't beat wagner's meat" bumper sticker when i was in new orleans, but the people i was with did not understand the importance of this, and they were driving, and i was sick, so not really up for being emphatic. (don't go to new orleans; it's a nice city, but from what i hear, almost every non-native who goes there gets really sick for a while. they have some kind of virulent super-germs.)

current new orleans resident dr. cliff responds:
is this a person who normally follows a healthy diet? a lot of folks come down here and jump right into all kindsa yummy rich food and end up really greasing their bowels. a vegan i know from boston didn't even make it through a plate of etouffe before we had to leave the restaurant so he could plant himself on a toilet. on top of that, add a couple more drinks than a person might have at home, and viola! gastric dynamite.

luckily, i've been conditioning myself through years of over-indulgence, so i haven't had that problem. brrrp.

probably a good idea not to eat (or beat) wagner's meat. but there's *some* stuff there that's safe... i like muffalettas. just, none of that fried crap.

actually, yeah, i NEVER eat fried food, and my boyfriend-at-the-time talked me into stuff i'd normally not put in my mouth. and in fact we were pretty sure that was what it was (i didn't want to hear the words "cajun food" for the rest of the visit), except something made us think it was actually a bug... however, i've forgotten what that thing was now. oh yeah, the fact that i still felt lousy the next day, after puking all night. i dunno, his friend gave me an opiate suppository (!) so it was all okay.


From: Daniel P.
Date: Sat, 31 Aug 2002

I'm happy to know that we are not alone in Amboy. What do you think that guy's problem is that made him like that?

wish i knew. tweaker, maybe?

From: elson
Subject: Planet Earth is a Cult
Date: Fri, 30 Aug 2002

Someone gave this piece of crap to me as a present.

an EX-friend, presumably

He seemed to be very impressed by Bunyan's poetry.

i'm also impressed by bunyan's poetry -- john bunyan's poetry. check out his dope rhymes in "Of Man by Nature"

From God he's a Back slider,
Of Ways, he loves the wider;
With Wickedness a Sider,
More Venom than a Spider.
In Sin he's a Confider,
A Make-bate, and Divider;
Blind Reason is his Guider,
The Devil is his Rider.

put some phat beats behind that and you've got yourself the top rap song of the 17th-century.

And I thought I was the only one with a copy.

You are my hero.

send something cool and you can be the only person with two copies

all heroical-like,
doc

Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002
From: jj
Subject: gary bear

true be you won't why?

dyslexic version of "maybelline," maybe?

catchy. mind if i use it. i've got a few i could say that to. btw, what sort of music was gary bear's? keyboardless and drumless, i'll assume.

you have hit the long, sharp object on the place where it is designed to be hit.

Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002
From: David W.
Subject: kennedy mystique

Hi doc-

I am intrigued by the Kennedy Mystique article that you did not include on your website. Any chance you could email that article to me?

unfortunately, i think that stuff was stored among the stuff that was stolen.

i suspect the kennedys.

From: Marie
Subject: Baseball Letters
Date: Tue, 27 Aug 2002

Always a delight to read your longer copy. Your stuff's better than most big name, syndicated columns. You've got forceful, clear expression wedded to brilliant logic wrapped in originality. What editor in his right mind wouldn't be thrilled? (okay, so finding an editor in his right mind is a lot tougher than one would think)

that's what's good about a website -- no editors at all. (and it shows)

Date: Tue, 27 Aug 2002
From: [deleted]@aol.com
Subject: Phone booth glass and canada

RGV1Y2UsCiAgIEkgd2FzIHJlYWRpbmcgYWJvdXQgYnVybmluZyBtYW4gYW5kIGNhbWUgdXBvbiB3
aHkgeW91IGFyZW4ndCBldmVyIGdvaW5nIGJhY2sgYW5kIHRoZW4gYmFzaWNhbGx5IHNhdW50ZXI
gYXNzZWQgYXJvdW5kIHlvdXIgc2l0ZSB3aGVuIEkgc3VkZGVubHkgcmVhbGl6ZWQgaXQgYWxsIGxvb
tlZCB2ZXJ5IGZhbWlsaWFyLCBhbmQgaXQgd2FzIHlvdXIgc2l0ZSB0aGF0IEkgZ290IHRoZSBwaG9uZS
BudW1iZWYgZnJvbSBmb3IgdGhlIG1vamF2ZSBwaG9uZSBib290aCBhYm91dCAzIHllYXJzIGFnby4gI
EkgcmVtZW1iZXIgdGhlIHJpcHBlZCBjYXJkIGF0IHRo

how many times i have said the same thing. only not in triple encryption.

From: Fred H.
Subject: MOSES GUIBBORY
Date: Mon, 26 Aug 2002

Thanks for your piece on The Bible in the Hands of Its Creators-- OK I have Copy #661. (undoubtedly the numbers have cabbalistica sig.)

you suspect they are not merely sequential?

By my theology, its still divine providence even if the Satan's mark of inspiration is present.

not sure what you mean ... even though there's a mss. variant of 616, how does 661 fit in?

Anyway, I think I got this from Virginia Seminary Library's throw away pile, courtesy of my wife-- but I'm not exactly sure that's how it ended up in my basement-- and is now for today at least in my study-- along with the Biblia Hebraica, the Greek NT and a few other books. So what do you think this is or what is it an expression or part of -- Theology- i.e. doctrine of God sounds like glorified yin-yang pan-entheism. Jesus is written off as THE false prophet, really THE anti-Messiah, the great deciever (because HE appeared so good!!!) and so on.

it is (the late) rabbi guibbory's presentation of his messiah credentials

But I wonder where all the other copies are. AND.... why is my MOSES GUIBBORY signature so different from yours. I don't have a scanner-- It's just much thinner and elongated- really looks quite different-- Will the real Moses G. please stand up. Pt. of "mystery of iniquity"?

according to a guibbory family member, many of the moses guibbory signatures were forged.

From: Fred H.
Subject: Re: MOSES GUIBBORY
Date: Tue, 27 Aug 2002

Thank you for your reply. My comment about cabbalistic significance of the numbered copies was really just flippant and facetious- no offense intended. It did follow however on your own wonder at the sudden providential appearance of your copy at a used bookstore?) Continuing on with the flippancy, I suppose we could say that my number (661) means that 5 which is the number of divine grace

(read your bullinger, have you?)

keeps me from 666 - and we know what that is. Of course the numbers are sequential. Ah- but what is the sequence. ? Thanks for your website- I enjoyed looking at it. What's the connection to Amy Grant? I've always enjoyed her music and freedom of spirit.

the mandible may be connected to moses guibbory, but if she is, she hasn't said anything about it

Date: Sun, 25 Aug 2002
From: jess
Subject: slim wagner, cuntry sanger

good to hit the site again, see many new updates, and none of them have to do with you being victimized by brainless miscreants

you don't count anna nicole?

-- the fact that you exacted some gorgeous revenge on internet miscreants was heartwarming, too. but i have to wonder about that reality show thing. it was hilarious, yes, but... don't you have to have WATCHED them to do such a dead-on parody? (thanks for sparing me the trouble of doing so, anyway... i feel i know all i need to know now.)

in this way i fulfill my mission

i was in new york when i saw about the show low fires, but by the time i got back there were already assurances up that you were okay. thank goodness. stupid nature.

actually, stupid government -- nature takes care of the forest just fine when government agencies aren't putting out forest fires before they have a chance to do the job they're supposed to do

putting out forest fires causes forest fires? explain how.

before this century, forest fires weren't as catastrophic as they became after the gov't instituted what would now be called a "zero tolerance" policy of putting out ALL forest fires. this means that debris on the forest floor was allowed to accumulate to unnatural levels. also, there used to be fewer, but larger, trees -- they could survive lightning strikes because there wasn't a bunch of forest debris and young, non-hardy trees cluttering things up. ever wonder how people managed to cross through forested areas in covered wagons? it was because the forests weren't as dense and the forest floor wasn't covered with debris and tons and tons of small trees that, w/o hyperactive firefighting, do not survive. so that now, when lightning (or idiotic campers) start fires, they quickly get out of control because there is practically no end of fuel for them to grow on.

From: Felicia
Subject: Java
Date: Fri, 23 Aug 2002

Item of the week photo of Java was just named a Semi Finalist in picture.com's Amateur Photography contest. Grand Prize $10000.

cool.

i'll say

From: Mike
Subject: Springer Opera
Date: Thu, 22 Aug 2002

Deuce,

I was reading the news over at CNN (I can't watch it with all those tickers; I am afraid they'll send me into some sort of seizure from trying to ingest too much information). Anyway, I came across this story about "Jerry Springer - The Opera," a show that is so hot at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival that they are considering sending it to London's West End!

Anyway, of course the news story got to its inevitable comparison to Wagner's opera, and I was just curious what Wagner would have thought of this new opera...

i don't know about wagner, but as for me, i do not know which side of me will win out, the side that is disgusted or the side that is amused. perhaps i will let the disgusted side and the amused side throw chairs at each other and then jell-o wrestle.

From: Matt F.
Date: Mon, 19 Aug 2002

I was quite amused to find that the name of the main street of the town in which I spent the first 19 years of my life had generated some sort culture outside of the Show Low city limits. If there's anything you have a question about regarding that horrid little town, even the slightest of curiousity about, don't hesitate to write back. Nice site by the way...

what about it made it horrid for you?

Yes, good question. Well, I suppose it was a combination of things, otherwise this would be pretty simple to answer. There were times I thought it was horrible, and there were times I thought it was great, usually for different reasons.

The thing I disliked about it the most was the people. I'd always maintined that it would have been a really nice town if no one actually lived there...

In terms of the people living there, Show Low is a small box. There's no real diversity. You have the same big old mormon families that all look and act the same, the tweakers in the mobile homes, the school-aged kids all bored out of their freakin' minds and then the old, cold, and unfriendly senior citizens. It was the same old people always doing the same old things.

After you know all the streets and all the sights there's really nothing to stay for, though strangely enough I'm glad I grew up there because it was more or less a unique experience. I was really glad when it didn't burn down this summer actually.

I won't site the expected things, such as never anything to do or anywhere to go...I found ways to keep myself occupied until I was old enough to get a job, at which point I just worked and went to school. but I knew that after graduation I had to get out ASAP. There's something about that town, a certain level of stagnation that you reach if you stay too long. You get 'stuck' there, your mind doesn't seen to think so far outside of Show Low anymore the more you become involved with the intricate workings of it.
There's no real ambition there, and not a lot of money.

I think that if it wasn't such a boring town for so many, drugs wouldn't be as big a problem there as they are now. Drug abuse is more widespread there than most people think, as is teen pregnancy and child abuse.

I don't know. There are dozens more reasons I left that don't have to do with Show Low, but I like to think that was a big part of it. Everything got old, adn though the town's been growing everyday I stayed the smaller it felt. I eventually realized that living in a box is not living, not living at all...


Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2002
From: Russ C.
Subject: ibab.org Update

Some ibab.org stats for mid-July through mid-August. I just don't know what to say.

i do:

WHO'S TWENTY TIMES AS EFFECTIVE AS GOOGLE? OH YEAH UH-HUH THAT'S RIGHT YOU BET

Yeah. And if you really want results, go with "No Referrer".


From: mineurcanal
Subject: a golf clap for you
Date: Fri, 16 Aug 2002

and your reality tv summaries. such painful research you had to endure no doubt.

oh, the sacrifices i make...

however.....

i find blind date to be THOROUGHLY entertaining, and a strong reminder of why i use nearly every means possible to repel the opposite sex (note: this does not imply that i want to attract the same sex).

oh, and i long for the hour that i remember to sit down and watch the anna nicole show.

it's pretty boring, so far. the only interesting parts are with her son. i think maybe that's why the osbournes is more interesting -- it's the juxtaposition of ozzy's reputation with his fatherly duties, which, actually, he performs fairly well, considering. anna, on the other hand, is just a stupid mess. that doesn't make her as good a tv subject as ozzy & crew.

btw, just how came you to be such a sesquipedalian? did your talent derive naturally from your unquenched desire for reading, or is it something you purposefully set out to create? you quite amaze me. when i speak, i am the master of verbal somersault. i'd like to think that at least when i write my thoughts are somewhat organized and intelligible, but my narratives and descriptions certainly don't bear the appeal, wit, and sarcasm that i intend to provide-unlike yours. alas, i inherited through a line of emotional recluses, the unfortunate inability to put my thoughts into words. instead of expressing my anger or disapproval logically and clearly, i reveal my frustration through stutters and my own brand of spontaneously-created jargon. i must spend my time reading books about public speaking rather than telling fascinating stories about my life experiences or expressing my opinion about various significant subjects about which i feel strongly.

how do you do that?

just started early in life, i guess.

Date: Tue, 13 Aug 2002
From: Gila Mon

Haven't communicated in a while, not even since the burglary. I had a few dreams about that. One dream indicated that it was an "inside" job targeted at stealing your land, one item at a time. Eventually it was done and the girls who did it (yes, the girls!) built a nice home on your land. When I suggested a retaliatory act you said no, it wasn't that big a deal. The second dream I had about it was that your items were being stored in an unoccupied house. You found out and asked me to guard the house (I guarded the chimney -- some subconscious Santa thing I guess). Anyway, I didn't do a very good job because when I went in to check on things there were about 7 guys and gals attempting to film a porn movie. I chased them out. You may want to forward these dreams to the police investigating your theft, tell them it's a psychic lead on a criminal case, they do that kind of stuff, I see it on TV all the time. Let them figure out the symbology, or whatever.


Date: Thu, 15 Aug 2002
From: andria

The Jason Priestley dog? Uncanny.


From: Felicia
Subject: My Dog Looks Like Jason Priestley!
Date: Tue, 13 Aug 2002

I love it! Java thanks you for the honor of being the Item of the Week.


Date: Wed, 14 Aug 2002
From: j
Subject: how wagner got his start

enjoyed this - waited (waded) patiently from page to page to see wag's very first photo. but no, only the bowling pin. bowling pin, bowling pin. did something happen at the end - like a small kitchen fire or an africanized bee attack and you forgot to finish the sequence?

don't get me wrong, i like the bowling pin. i like all bowling pins.

dissatisfied,
j

the earliest wagner photos were among the stolen stuff. so, i'm dissatisfied, too.

oh. poor doc. and i bring that up. why don't just give you a paper cut and pour lemon juice in it while i'm at it?

you are hereby on LEMON JUICE RESTRICTION

From: dj 'tine
Date: Tue, 13 Aug 2002
Subject: sureality TV

loved your pontifications regarding the bewildering obsession with reality TV.... especially american idol.... i can't understand why paula adbul is a judge... back in the 80s / early 90s wasn't there a scandal about the fact that she used a "guide voice" on her vocal tracks to make sure that she stayed in tune??? and now she's judging a vocal contest? hmmmmm

but look who's popular: spears, aguilera -- they're on the same level as abdul was, and that's what the wannabees are aiming at. so you see, it all makes SOME TERRIBLE KIND OF SENSE

in the words of the talking heads.... "stop making sense!"


Date: Tue, 13 Aug 2002
From: Juan M.

i laughed and also did a snorting sort of laugh. thank you!

thanks. especially for the snorting sort of one. there can't be enough of those.

Date: Sat, 10 Aug 2002
From: jj
Subject: realiteevee

whoa. did you write that? i read every word.

who else would have written it?

now i'm gonna go watch!

or maybe you should shower off the bile

Date: Sat, 10 Aug 2002
From: Yma
Subject: Realiteevee

Wow. You've really gone all out on that one! Great job! And you call me harsh? Hmph.

harsh calls unto harsh

My favorite bit is about Andy Warhol in his grave. LOVE IT!!! You're brilliant. :-)

a blush forms upon my cheek

From: Njama B.
Subject: Just for Fellows (1956)
Date: Tue, 6 Aug 2002

Seems like some kind of gay primer... The cover illustration is a little on the odd-looking side. The guy looks like he's checking you out.... I'm nervous....

Njama Braasch
Time Waster Extraordinaire

this could be an eye-of-the-beholder issue. see your doctor for details.

From: Michelle C.
Date: Sun, 4 Aug 2002

Hey there,

I must admit I haven't been to the site in a while - the reason I came today is because of a deuce moment. I had just hit a pop fly during our softball game this week which, to my dismay, was caught and I was out. On my walk to the bench, I saw a single playing card on the ground. I turned it over,..and it was the deuce of clubs. Neat-o. I placed it on the bench but when I went to grab it after the game? Someone took it. No word of a lie! It is all true...

maybe prophetic.....but probably just neat.

pretty much any appearance of the deuce of clubs is a good thing

Date: Fri, 2 Aug 2002
From: Gerad and Heather
Subject: deuce of clubs sighting

Hi, on The X-files tonight there was a man at a blackjack table that got dealt a 3 of diamonds and then a deuce of clubs. Then less than a minute later he goes to the bar where Burt Reynolds is playing solitare and he has the ability to predict the cards, the 2nd or 3rd card he predicts is... the deuce of clubs. Don't know if thats of any use since I don't know the episode name and didn't tape it. Just thought I'd tell you anyway.

is this your card?

why yes it is! Glad to see you have it already. I found your site through Rob's (cockeyed). It's hillarious, keep up the good work.


Date: Wed, 31 Jul 2002
From: kafkaesque
Subject: bandwidth theft

Hey there Doc

I'm one of the admins at 9622.net, the site where that Ute Lemper snap was snagged. We are trying to enforce the "no bandwidth theft" policy, but the guy who took that one doesn't seem to get it.

he will "get it" very soon -- adampsyche's site may find itself bearing a little extree traffic very soon...

Thanks for bringing the matter to the forefront, though, as I'm sure that will be enough to dissuade him in the future.

oddly enough, he's taking part in a metafilter discussion today on the ethics of bandwidth theft.

I know it's not much of a discussion site...it's just people goofing around.

Anyway, I'm a fan of your site, and tried to get a few dollars for your donation thing a ways back. Just thought I'd drop that in there as a plea for mercy for our little bunch of ingrates.

salut
kafkaesque

thanks, no problem -- 9622.net has nothing to worry about from deuceofclubs.com.

Date: Thu, 01 Aug 2002
From: kafkaesque
Subject: Re: bandwidth theft

I just thought I'd do a little follow-up here.....we've changed the site so that every page has a reminder about bandwidth theft, and points to this info page.

I think it's a good way of informing the masses.

see ya
kafkaesque


From: Charles
Subject: eleventh pin
Date: Mon, 22 Jul 2002

I had read that you have knowledge of the folks who had taken the pictures of the bowling pin in various places. I would very much like to see more of the pin.

haven't heard from the eyewash camp in some time. last i heard from them, they were in tucson. their site hasn't been updated in a number of years, though.

I have a pin of my own and thought I was doing something original.

and you probably were

I was kind of awestruck to see that I wasn't alone in seeing that something as normal as a bowling pin could seem so alien outside of it's normal domain. It put a smile on my face.

photos of wagner's progenitor are now loaded.

From: Lynda W.
Date: Thu, 1 Aug 2002

that's the funniest damn thing i've ever seen. i kinda hope some other fools out there don't immediately get the message, as i'd really like to see more.

quite likely

would love to be a fly on the wall when they see their 'new improved' image for the first time! hahahahaha i'm thinking that most dumb slobs don't know that it's not a nice thing

i am "helping them learn"

you're doing a good thing for society. in a really sick way.

it's the only way i know

From: kid_at
Subject: I heart Britney
Date: Tue, 30 Jul 2002

A swastika would've been so much more fitting! If it wasn't for the fact that my site is worthless and I update it once a year, I would love for someone to direct link so I could get them.


From: Daniel P.
Date: Wed, 31 Jul 2002

I really enjoyed going through the deuces of clubs gallery!

How are things?

the other night i went to an art film festival & someone there went wild for the museum of jurassic technology t-shirt. and then we went out to eat and someone at the restaurant did the same thing. that second person said that david wilson got a mcarthur grant -- i hope that's true!

It's true, he did get a McCarthur grant.

i can't applaud that enough

Date: Tue, 30 Jul 2002
From: j
Subject: switcheroo

so funny. so very funny. thanks-


Date: Mon, 29 Jul 2002
From: Rob Cockerham

Excellent!

Man, what a great batch. I don't really think of your site as having a lot of images, but you sure had your share of hitchhikers. I'm going to go check my logs right now!


Date: Tue, 16 Jul 2002
From: lara7

I bought the Osmonds' The Plan on CD this week

?!??!!?!? (i wouldn't have thought it was available on cd)

scary, no? It was something like $10.99 new. couldn't resist. it's pretty odd, that's for sure.

have a growing collection of Mormon pop-cultural ephemera, I had to have it. I'll let you know if it changes my life.

but by then it will be TOO LATE

Date: Mon, 15 Jul 2002
From: Ben O.
Subject: cactus pencil

I have been hunting all over the web trying to find a place to buy a cactus pencil like the one you display on your website. Any ideas where I could find one? A friend brought one to my daughter which was promptly broken by her sister - thus my search to help replace it.

hrm, coming up blanks on that one, although the search led me to someone who's using my web content to generate hits for a sex site of some sort. anyway, i didn't find anything. the existence of a type of plant known as "pencil cactus" definitely complicates things, unless you have the patience to sort through all of those hits...

i don't remember where i got mine (or even where it is at the moment -- probably got stolen with the rest of the stuff), but i have seen them from time to time at tourist traps here in az, so they must be available from the web, somehow, somewhere...


From: Russ
Subject: Cactus Pencil
Date: Tue, 06 Aug 2002

Alert doc reader Russ Cooper has in his possession a new cactus pencil, purchased at one of the gift shops at the airport. Please forward the email address of the guy who was looking for same, so I can make a deal.

alert reader russ cooper rocks tha house

From: Marie
Subject: Roy Rogers Museum moving
Date: Mon, 15 Jul 2002

The [newspaper] reports today that "the Roy Rogers-Dale Evans Museum is closing after twenty-six years and moving its cowboy and Western heritage exhibits to the country entertainment destination of Branson, MO." Roy Jr. refused to confirm, but a spokeswoman for the city of Victorville said the city was informed of the deal Friday.

i had heard they were moving, but didn't know it was a done deal. someone i know was going to be heading through the area a couple of days ago & i recommended the stop in victorville. oops. hope they didn't go out of their way...

Date: Fri, 12 Jul 2002
From: Tim C.
Subject: Cigarette Machine

That cigarette machine you found and decorated looks like the same model used in Sum of All Fears. Have you checked out the inside.....

not since the thieves cleaned things out. have i lost something exceedingly valuable that i didn't know about? am i actually going to have to attend a matt damon movie just to find out?

Oh, by the way, I love your "What the Deuce?" items!


From: Lisa M.
Subject: Theft...Mojave booth glass
Date: Wed, 10 Jul 2002

Not sure if you remember me but I sent you the wonderful Playboy Mag featuring Dana Plato.

who could forget it?

I'm really sorry to hear about your experience with theft. Of course I still have my three pieces of Mojave glass left. If you'd like me to send you one or two, I can certainly do that. It's the least I can do.

You'll search for your stuff the rest of your life! My parents home was burlgarized twenty years ago, and to this day every time I go to an antique show or pawn shop I automatically keep an eye out for the little watch my dad gave my mom back in the fifties for her 16th birthday, inscribed "Happy Birthday Sandra" on the back...pretty much worthless to the burglar who stole it, along with a lot of other things, but priceless to me. Somehow, I still think I'll find it.

Good luck. If you need a shard of glass, let me know. It's all still here, in its original envelope.

Take care...Lisa

that's a kind offer, thank you. but you keep them. there are a few pieces left, and also someone collected a few more and sent them in, so that the exchange can continue

From: Lynda
Subject: a question
Date: Tue, 02 Jul 2002

soooo....

how does bruce the moneyman pay for groceries???

hmmmm???


Date: Mon, 1 Jul 2002
From: rupemc
Subject: Kevin Jarre

Deuce of Clubs,
I love the site. I saw your article on tombstone and although I have not read Kevin's draft I have heard the same things you have pointed out. He is a great writer!


Date: Mon, 1 Jul 2002
From: onion

been awhile... the thought of you and the deuce of clubs crossed my mind even before this email lately though, as i've been considering burning man 02. all considerations are finished, i'm there.

read about the theft of the phone booth et al, that's horrible. hope you find the fuckers. you said that the theives know the effects of the evils they do, but i don't think the fully comprehend how evil it was.


From: Ultima
Date: Sun, 30 Jun 2002

I was going to reply to the Oobi Eye auction with a declaration of their plastic ocular organs as a magical aphrodisiac and a call to action a la the ivory and powdered rhinoceros horn bans, but by the time I got back from a trip the Show Low fire had broken out and a silly e-mail seemed, for once in my life, inappropriate.

I've been meaning to express my concern for your hometown and am glad to now be able to share in your relief that disaster was averted.

at one point, it looked as though it would be too much to hope that show low would make it. fortunately, it's almost hard to remember that, now.

In the headlines today is news you've no doubt already heard that a firefighter (!!) was arrested for starting the blaze! To intentionally cause such mass destruction not to some sworn caped super-enemy but to innocent random people and Planet Earth is deeply and derangedly evil. There has been no motive cited, nor in the case of the Colorado park ranger, so it's still to be determined whether these were acts of maliciousness, criminal stupidity, or innocent circumstances gone awry, as in the case of the lost hiker trying to signal a helicopter.

that might fall under the criminal stupidity category. there was already a raging forest fire burning (the rodeo fire). more fundamentally, one shouldn't be riding around in the wilderness if one has no clue what one is doing, or what to do in case of emergency, which she clearly hadn't.

At any rate, I'm thrilled that the dire predictions for Show Low were averted. Now we can wage our campaign of righteousness against eBay Oobi eye-harvesters!

let the wars begin!

Date: Sat, 29 Jun 2002
From: j

i adore the simpsons. fine of you to immortalize it - at least for as long as the internet lasts.

wanted to try the recipe (the cake, not the whirly ride part) but it wasn't really legible.

clarification is a click away. so click away.

does that book really say blah blah blah? no - nemmermine. don't tell me - i have to work today.

ok, tell me.

yep. all 271 pages of it.

Date: Sun, 23 Jun 2002
From: liz
Subject: no!

Show Low!!

I was on Yahoo! news looking at stories and saw the headline "Wildfire approaches Arizona town" and ignored it, then I thought, "wait, what if it's somewhere good like Show Low?" and then I read the story and got very sad.


From: JH
Date: Sun, 23 Jun 2002

My non-existent cheerful personality says everything is just wonderful. All is well in butter and egg land and the second most important Petaluma event is now occurring. The first event, of course, is our Butter and Egg Day Parade. As you may recall, or not, this is a event where the attraction of my people dressed like cows and chickens riding on floats draws many outsiders to line the streets of our quaint town. Some of the outsiders are, let's say, strongly encouraged to stay in Petaluma and learn the dairy and poultry trade.

The second most important event is our Sonoma County Fair. It is a time for hard working ranchers to come together and showcase the best of their cows or poultry. Mainly the ranchers enjoy the camaraderie and break from solitary ranch living but inevitably a few ranchers fight over who has the best cow. The fights are pretty bloody vicious and encouraging chants and screams from circling spectators, even children, fuels the carnage. We also have things not found at any other fair like rides, games and unusual food such as corn dogs and cotton candy.

My people are safe. I wish I could say the same for yours. I feel sick to my stomach. Last Tuesday we got back from Tucson. We had a really nice time. Wednesday Show Low was in our newspaper and has been ever since with the news getting worse. I see the fire on TV today and the news there is also worse. There is nothing I can say except the obvious that it is a terrible, horrible thing happening to your hometown.

J

P.S. August I go to Reno. I will take extensive pictures of the mountain N and mail them to you shortly after I return home.


From: Andy
Subject: brilliant
Date: Sat, 22 Jun 2002

a wonderful site! I love you all and want to have your... no I can't say that can I?

I love you all and want to have incredible sex with your female members which may satisfy their wanton desires!

Err..... cool site anyhow!!!!

we're pretty sure we appreciate your sentiments ... we're not sure what websites you usually frequent, but on deuceofclubs.com, females do not have members.

Date: Fri, 21 Jun 2002
Subject: Yo Deuce
From: Rose

I heard on the radio yesterday that Show Low was burning so I checked into DoC after being away for awhile and was shocked to discover that you are having an eventful time.

not as eventful as show low, but on a personal scale, eventful is a good way of putting it.

I am so sorry to hear about the thievery @ your new abode. I was burgled one time and it is a HUGE violation.

it really is...

Are you safe out there in Timbuk Egypt?

so far, gracias

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