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Bastard Without Portfolio (1981)

by Alfred Austin

The Bedside Book of Bastards (1973)

by Dorothy M. Johnson & R. T. Turner

Bastard Week

It's Bastard Week, and in recognition of that fact, a Deuce of Clubs scientific study has just been released that reveals that 87.6% of all human beings are bastards. Furthermore, most of them seem to come our way. We hate it.

Yes, it's Bastard Week. So take a bastard to lunch. And punch the bastard in the fucking nose.

Objection has been made to the previous language. So let us just say, instead:

"Take dead aim on the bastards. Get them in the crosshairs. And take them down."

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Johnson & Turner:
Obviously a couple of bastards

Further bastardry:

Robb L. writes:

It appears that I forgot exactly which book I have. I do not, it appears, have Bastards I Have Known by Peter Barton. Instead, I have Bastards I Have Met by Barry Crump. My description of the contents were correct, but that means that either you and I have different books or that there is ANOTHER book out there by Peter Barton that's waiting at some garage sale to be purchased.

Also, as I was trying to figure out how I'd screwed up, I discovered that there is ANOTHER out-of-print book that appears to be in the same ballpark. It's called Bastards I Have Sailed With, and it's by Barry H. Meikle. The Amazon entry doesn't describe the book, but under "similar books by subject", they include the topics "New Zealand" and "Personal narratives, New Zealand". All this leads me to believe that there are an inordinate number of bastards in New Zealand. I always thought that Tim Finn was a smug bastard...