Deuce of Clubs Book Club home page
Next book on the shelf

Planet Earth is a Cult

by Chris Bunyan
Buy this scary, scary book
Buy this book for its splendid title. (I did -- but secondhand.) Buy it for its disturbingly vivid cover art. But never, never open it.


"Afraid nobody around here
Comprehends my potato
Guess I'm just a spudboy"
...Indulging in the world's most hackneyed metaphor

Good sportsmanship is not dead.

As proof, I submit into evidence the fact that poetry books so rarely appear here at Deuce of Clubs Book Club. You start picking on wannapoets and then bang, you're out clubbing baby seals.

Poor baby seals. Poor sportsmanship.

The following selection of Chris Bunyan's angry ramblings are posted here only to harvest hits from Google once Bunyan's rage puts him on the front page.

(Chris Bunyan.
Chris Bunyan Chris Bunyan.
Chris Bunyan.
That should do it. Oh, hello, search engines!)

And hello, Readers of the Future! Pore over these words and glean from them what you can, in the wake of whatever human tragedy of which Chris Bunyan has been the cause:

Winona Horowitz
Thank god for your narration
They're all fooled by your acting
Your pained expressions
Eyebrow and hand gestures
All brainless girls want to be like you
The girls that sat behind me in the theater fell for your shit
[...]
I've read that you've gone grunge
No, you've just found a more marketable look
I noticed that you are showing off your tits more these days
Got to attract the men
You're nothing but a Hollywood piece of shit
"Hi, look at me. I'm cute, vulnerable and tiny with big boobs."
There are more of you out there
Scary
Reality bites doesn't it

[ - - - ]

Drew Barrymore
You overrated
No talent
Two bit actor
Media whore
With shitty tattoo work
The journalists couldn't get Wynona Ryder
So they talk to you instead
You must be fucking someone with a lot of pull
'Cause you can't act worth shit
No one could ever tell that you're from the legendary Barrymore family
I bet you have shit stains on your underwear
You're no punk goddess
If I ever see you I'll shove you down

[ - - - ]

The day will come pig boy
When people will not pull over
When you flash your swine lights
Your tickets
Will have no power
You will not be able to exercise
Your pig voodoo
The television shows that glorify your occupation
Will be replaced with new shows
Depicting you as the fascist that you really are
Or better
A show that televises the mass execution of your kind
The bully will become the bullied
Few believe your motto "To protect and serve"
It should read "To suppress and instill fear"

[ - - - ]

Skateboard tucked underneath one arm
Cut off shorts
Exposing boxer shorts
Wallet attached by a chain
Short skirt
Knee stockings
Teddy bear backpack
Oh, baby
We're talking alternative now
Soldiers in the Conformity army
So stupid they didn't even realize that they voluntarily enlisted

[ - - - ]

Tonight I'm thinking of stabbing people
Girl that asks dumb redundant questions
The person driving the media van
The cop that stares at me
The firefighter that points and laughs
The impatient asshole who tailgates me
The trendy alternative girls on Melrose
The gang members walking in the way of others
The dumb fuck tourist in his Astro van
The teacher that tears down student's self-esteem
The only thing that stopped me was law