Date: Thu, 23 Mar 2000
From: Juan M.
Subject: Hiya!

Hi again!

(I am the Colombian person who sent you the Twin Peaks-brand toothbrushes last year. Greetings (again) from sunny, balmy Orlando.)

I picked up on some mild grousing about job-related issues not too long in your site. I sympathize. I empathize.

I'm thinking, however, that your site must -- has to -- attract quite a bit of traffic, and while a chunk of it is probably from lowly college peons like myself I'm sure some of it is not, and there might be people out there in the position to offer you truly splendid jobs so why not post your resume on Deuce of Clubs?

My best to you and Wagner.

Cheers,
Juan

i've thought & thought about that, but i don't like the idea of exposure. but what i might do is post a vague solicitation instead.
(in the meantime, anyone can contact us with any & all employment offers)

Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2000
From: Corrie D

i thought you'd have something fun (funny) in that sector in honor of valentine's day...or as some more aptly call it "singles awareness day." thanks a lot! =)

Date: Mon, 13 Mar 2000
From: Robert H
Subject: Message for Jean From Baba

Deuce

Hope this message reaches Jean. I saw a message by you in which you mention lemmings running off a cliff to the song "Danke Schoen." I bought a bootleg video of "Superstar The Karen Carpenter Story" and watched it last night. Apparently, the bootleg guy copied "Superstar" onto an already-used tape, and the remainder of the tape contained the lemmings scene with the first verse of Danke Schoen (sung by Connie Francis?) over and over. I was fascinated. I'm glad to know that someone else (it seems) has seen this insane footage. What do you know about it?

Thanks, Baba-the-Nudzh

strangely, i have no idea what you're talking about. i can't remember my own site.

funny thing is, i don't even have jean's e-mail address. she's never sent me e-mail, in fact. she just sends these cool boxes full of stuff.

From: char
Date Thu, 9 Mar 2000
Subject Sunnyslope, Negativland, and the Mohave Phone Booth

I was practically an Az native, l there for 21 years and now live in Utah. My husband located your site while working for WEBTV and playing on the net all day. He showed it to me yesterday and thought I should drop you a line.

I really got interested when I read all about your phonebooth in the middle of the Mojave desert. I really became addicted to it and had to read all of the info on it right away.

I also enjoyed seeing your mountain monogram site as the have always been interesting to me. The Sunnyslope mountain one, was a favorite. We used to live at 13th street and Peoria (in Sunnyslope). Correct me if I am wrong, but a lot of the high schools in Phoenix put their letters on some of the mountains, i.e., Thunderbird, etc... It has been fun revisiting the sights of Arizona as we plan never to frequent it again. I also am familiar with the BYU and University of Utah mountain markers also.

One other thing, my husbands favorite band for 12 years now has been Negativland. We listen to Dispepsi and The Big 10-8 Place all the time. We love the weatherman and PastorDick. We also enjoy the U2/Casey Casem connection. We also find it Ironic that you know of Daniel Johnston/ShimmyDIsc as we thought we were two of very few people to have heard or bought them.

Thanks for your site. My husband, rexeverything (taken of course, from THE WILLSAPHONE STUPID SHOW) wants to send kudos to Wagner, too.....

Date: Tue, 07 Mar 2000
From: Chelsea Bondage

Twang breadball, anyone? Pickle Shooter?

sign me up.

So, have you seen any good collisions between 2 schoolbuses lately? I haven't.

can't say that i have, either. but don't worry, there are other forms of entertainment, or so i've read.

From: Dave V.
Date Sat, 04 Mar 2000
Subject politics

What do you think of this quote, attributed to Nikita Kruschev?

"Politicians are the same all over the world. They promise to build a bridge, even when there is no river."

i would add this often it is the politicians themselves who furnish the river. and then the river ends up flooding the city.

Then I suppose they use this to "prove" the need for the bridge, and then after the flood, promise a dam.

yep. damn.

From Marie
Date Mon, 14 Feb 2000

Received the following yesterday from my old friend Craig who's a commercial photographer, but likes to do his art photos in the desert. It was he who told me about the MPB in the first place. He's also a mechanical genius from a long line of such, and Craig's the only person I've ever heard of that could keep old Fiat's operational. He's currently a member of an MG car club; his is the only one that's serviceable enough to commute to work with. He also brews the best beer ever, but that's another digression. I've shown him the What's Wrong with WhipIt! page in the hopes he'll have some time to do a bit of diagnosing for you, though he may actually require a first hand physical encounter with WhipIt! for a proper evaluation.

Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000
From: A girl
Subject: I'm not spamming, I promise!!!

I was wondering if anyone has ever asked you do you like cheese?

why? are you from wisconsin?

Also wanted to add, your site has provided me with many useless hours filled with humor to which I procrastinate in doing my homework. Hate the stuff myself, don't know why I bothered to continue on after high school.

yep. deuceofclubs.com is just one big procrastination machine

For your personal humour I've attached a picture of myself while I worked at a fun park on a ride called the Swan Boats. They really do exist. The driver sits on the ass-end of the swan and gives a tour of the park to it's passengers. I worked this god awful ride for 4 years! And I have my own list of frequently asked questions. No, it's not on a rail, I'm really driving it!

how wagnerian! do you know the walter slezak story about the lohengrin swan?

Enough babbling. Thanks so much for the laughs.

Carol
Web wanderer, babbler, eccentric theatre major, and all around lovable personality

P.S.- I hate the Family Circus too, but you ever notice how you have to read it while your checking out the comics on Sunday. For some reason I can't put down the damn page without reading every abomination they print!

Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2000
From: Nathan A
Subject: The Preacher

I was alerted to your site after the Web site I worked for last summer, Cars.com, ran an article on Whip It! I spent many happy hours (more of them during work hours than my bosses would care to know, I suspect) browsing through the wonderful catalog of weirdness you've got here-- yours is one of the most interesting sites I've come across.

I happened to notice your item of the week was a "Preacher" action figure, and you said you'd never heard of the guy. So here's the skinny Jesse Custer is the star of DC/Vertigo Comics' "Preacher," an appallingly violent, brutally funny and all-around brilliant comic book series that's just now coming to a close. Jesse was a reluctant preacher in a nasty little town in Texas whose entire congregation was burnt to cinders when an angel/demon hybrid named Genesis escaped from its heavenly prison, screamed down to earth, and poured itself into Jesse's soul. He awoke with the Word, the ability to make anyone do exactly what he told them to (when he was speaking in red text, anyway) and a burning desire to find the lazy, irresponsible God who'd created and abandoned the world and kick his holy backside.

Hope this clears things up for you. Give my best to Wagner.

With sincere admiration,
Nathan

From: Ultima
Date Wed, 2 Feb 2000

Hooray! You and Oobi -- together again for the first time! (Whatever that means!) You told me about your beloved Oobi on the first day we met -- about six years ago! There were Oobi-shaped hearts in your eyes. And to think I had a part in reuniting you. This is how the Stork must feel! (?!?) Or the Touched By an Angel woman.

Yipee yi yay, the happy ending to the Oobi saga tickles me. Fate intervened to keep us from accidentally bid-battling each other! It did occur to me that the other bidders could have been part of Deuce's Army, but I wasn't about to e-mail them and explain the whole backstory and ask if they knew what I was talking about; I'm sure I would have been booted off eBay for harasssment (the extra s is for extra harrassment!) Also, *I* wanted to be the hero of the day, anyway! )

And we know the saga isn't truly over anyway -- not until you get a Mint In Package Oobi Trio. And did you know about the short-lived Oobi breakfast cereal replete with Oobi premiums? PSYCH!

I'm happy, hope you're happy too; ashes to ashes, funk to funky...

ULTIMA! )

you have no idea how happy. thank you!

Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000
From: Paula
Subject: ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz

I've been thinking a lot lately about sleep. Not only do people need it, but they LOVE it and, I am certain, if it were socially acceptable, we would all engage in the act of sleeping for 18 or 19 of the 24 hours we are allotted per day.

Going to sleep is like going someplace special we buy special clothing to sleep. We wash our faces and brush our teeth to prepare for sleep. Having sex with someone--one of the most intimate and important things you can do with another person--is referred to as "sleeping with" that person. Why that phrase? Because sex is beautiful and so is that glorious ritual of crawling into bed and allowing our minds to drift off into the ether.

Ever look at a baby who just won't shut it's yapper and take a nap? "KID!" your mind screams, "don't you realize you can sleep whenever you want and nobody's going to stop you? We actually WANT you to go to sleep! If you only KNEW!"

Most people claim to love life, yet they just can't wait to crawl into bed and slip into a coma for 7 hours minimum. It's an escape from reality disguised as a basic need. It's a temporary means of leaving this world, of being free. It is the lazy man's suicide.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz [BANG]

Date: Wed, 26 Jan 2000
From: Ernesto I
Subject: site updates

I love your page! So do millions of other losers like myself that swamp your inbox with nonsense so Ill not be sad if I dont get some personalized message in response.

Dear __Ernesto__:

Thank you for __writing__.

We always appreciate it when people __writing__.

We love to give __personalized__ __messages__.

Regards,
Deuce of Clubs
http//www.deuceofclubs.com

Im all over your "gimme" page, and with my frequent trips to Thrift Stores it probably wont be long before I can fill some of your wants.

high praise and on-site lauding shall be your lot if you do.

I would love to receive occasional, unobtrusive notification of site updates, so im just asking )

you are now subscribed.

From: bcuevas
Subject Re "the industrial city" (no skinny puppy there though)
Date Thu, 20 Jan 2000

sonofabitch, how i love your website. the web is mostly an ocean of pathetic crap; its nice to find a site worth looking at. i totally admire your photographic sensibilities too. really strange in a lot of ways, with that goddamned wagner bust creeping in everywhere (!). i've got a friend back in tucson who spends a lot of time finding obscure and well-shot photos on the web; he's gonna shit when he sees your site. a few months ago he set out to find images of the watts towers too. my wife is gonna love your road trip descriptions as much or more than i do. the space age lodge in gila bend is one of her all time faves. thanks thanks thanks!

also i especially loved your bisbee trailer trash segment. i love bisbee (now theres a place thats changed a lot in the last 10-15 years). i go there after every christmas with the wife. we spend our "anniversary" there; get shitfaced at the copper queen, the stock exchange, the grand. we ate at the Roka last month for the first time. you are right about it being good. we were the drunks in the corner.

i'm having the best time working through your website. thanks again!

de nada. that's why we're here.

Date: Thu, 20 Jan 2000
From: Wes Modes
Subject: 7questions

At the risk of being a mutual appreciation club of two, I'll tell you I enjoyed your 7questions interview. I particularly liked this "I like to be alone, or with just a few people. And I don't much care for trees." Now I personally like trees (our treehouse wouldn't be the same without them), but I right there with you about desert solitude.

Favorite place in the world is the Mojave Desert. The most lonely, lovely place I've ever been is the Eureka valley, north west of death valley.

Rico Thunder, CEO
Costco Soulmate Trading Outlet

From: bcuevas
Subject: "the industrial city" (no skinny puppy there though)
Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2000

my coworker here says you've got a pretty impressive art car on your site ( i will check it out at lunch). they have a big art car fest out here once a year (here? san francisco? who wouldve thunk....). you should bring it out and then you will get a chance to snap a few of wagner down in south city.

i imagine your art car raises a few eyebrows out there. many years ago i played with a punk band that used to come up fro tucson and play in phoenix. we would hang out with the JFA guys, a couple of which lived in a house in tempe. their next door neighbor had a big old caddy or the like. he had extended the existent fins with plywood and painted red stars on them, so the thing looked like a russian mig. he got a lot of shit from the neighborhood, just for those fins. the guy was kinda wacko though (not just because of the car).

From: Amy
Subject US kudos
Date Mon, 17 Jan 2000

TRIBUTE TO THE UNITED STATES

> > This, from a Canadian newspaper, is worth sharing. America The Good Neighbor.
> > Widespread but only partial news coverage was given recently to a
> > remarkable editorial broadcast from Toronto by Gordon Sinclair, a
> > Canadian television commentator. What follows is the full text of his trenchant
> > remarks as printed in the Congressional Record
> > "This Canadian thinks it is time to speak up for the Americans as
> > the most generous and possibly the least appreciated people on all the
> > earth. Germany, Japan and, to a lesser extent, Britain and Italy were lifted
> > out of the debris of war ...

[BLAH, BLAH, BLAH TONS OF NONSENSE DELETED]

> ... I can name you 5000 times when the Americans raced to the help of
> other people in trouble. Can you name me even one time when someone else
> raced to the Americans in trouble? I don't think there was outside help even
> during the San Francisco earthquake. Our neighbors have faced it alone,
> and I'm one Canadian who is damned tired of hearing them get kicked around. They
> will come out of this thing with their flag high. And when they do, they are
> entitled to thumb their nose at the lands that are gloating over their
> present troubles. I hope Canada is not one of those."
> Stand proud, Americans!
>
> SEND THIS TO WHOEVER YOU WANT TO BE PROUD TO BE AMERICANS!
>

i think i have a pretty good explanation why this speech received "only partial news coverage" -- it was given by sinclair over a quarter-century ago, and popularized by a schmaltzy LP called The Americans by noted canadian goofball byron macgregor. in fact, i'm listening to it as i type.

please! no more forwards!

From: Jim M.
Subject The Secret Museum of Mankind
Date Sat, 15 Jan 2000

Sorry, I don't have much further information about the Secret Museum book. This is just to let you know that there's another searcher my wife. Your brief mention of the book was the only hit on an Alta Vista search she initiated tonight (search criteria Secret Museum of Mankind) that wasn't a reference to the folk music series.

She purchased the same book, identified by its scanned cover on the deuceofclubs website. Her copy was bought in a second-hand bookstore in Susquehanna, Pennsylvania in 1997. Her favorite photo in it is of the Notorius Straw Boys of Ireland, who would supposedly dress in women's clothing and cover their heads with towering clumps of straw to avoid identification while robbing people.

Anything you may find regarding the book, which is equally mysterious to us, would be greatly appreciated.

Date Thu, 13 Jan 2000
From yo momma
Subject words

Was searching for info on PXL-2000 cameras. Found Wagner vid. Absorbed The Mandible. Backed up to see the whole thing. I like it. Thanks!

From Dcbergantz
Date Thu, 13 Jan 2000
Subject Wagner

What's the story behind Wagner? I have read all about your adventures, but I am curious about your photogenic friend.

(check the FAQ.)

From Will F.
Subject Update me
Date Wed, 12 Jan 2000

Please keep me apprised of updates to your site, I think it may be the most entertaining thing I've seen on the internet. I also wanted to recommend that you check out tom tomorrow's comics. he shares a similar view of politics as you do.

i like tom's stuff. we're a ways apart politically (tom's not a libertarian). but we definitely share a disdain for politicos.

From Robert Cockerham
Subject cockeyed....in FRENCH
Date Wed, 12 Jan 2000

I've been hearing a lot about B'man lately, and it is not all good. Primarily, my concern is the $200 tickets.

not only that ... they're asking for donations, too. it's become this ... thing

Because I have never been to the Man, I think I have to go before it completely transforms, and while I can still make an impact. I'd love to get together on a project. I love building things that are bigger than me, and I have considerable experience. I had great luck with chicken wire and saran-wrap building my bear, and wonder if the same technology couldn't be used in making a fort or camp or whatever you freaks do out there in the sand. )

talk me into it ... i'm gonna need to be talked into it this year, i think

What did you do for New Years? I was disappointed with the showing on the streets of San Francisco, although I made the most of it with my giant "Soylent Green is made out of people" and "Parking $2000" signs. I also planned a flare-carrying remote-control car stunt, but all the bomb hype scared me out of it.

Date Mon, 10 Jan 2000
From F Space Psycho Sonic Noise Environments
Subject HIya!

Did you have an installation at a recent (sorta) burningman party at the Maratime Hall with a bunch of radio/cassettes playing? If so, I covet the grey Panasonic shortwave cassette recorder. I had the same type for years, which was stolen from my car in downtown L.A. in 1989. I recorded all my early musical experiments with it. I'd kill for visitation rights. I've got tons of other electronic gadgets to exchange.

Best Regards,
Ethan

nope. i haven't been to the bay area since my phone booth visited artcarfest 98.

My wife Annabelle runs the ring of fire (agit8, mastic8, ...)

sure, i remember annabelle. i met her sister from tonopah, too.

I know we've met.

i'm sure i must have met you, but at burning man, you know ... the memory cells don't always function quite like they oughta ...

Did you ever do a performance at the Maritime Hall in SF? Did you ever stack up a bunch of cassette decks playing various tapes?

nope. never did. maybe it was chicken john?

Date Sat, 8 Jan 2000
From Carrie S
Subject car misery loves company

How's it going? This is pretty random, but my car is suffering and among the things needed is a distributor cap, while thinking of distributors I thought of WhipIt!, and thought I'd ask - any progress? I think WhipIt! has more admirers than most other cars on the planet. I'm surprised deuce of clubs hasn't spawned a prayer chain or something. That's a kind of amusing prospect.

anyone want to volunteer to raise Whip It! from her resting place? it'll take about a grand. if every person who visits the site gave a quarter ...

Date Tue, 4 Jan 2000
From Aristeia

i have rarely read anything better than the excerpt from this week's book.
i read it aloud to a romful of friends, and it went over quite well.

i tried to show someone 666 cough syrup yesterday and he said "oh, is this [deuce of clubs]? i've seen the phone booth stuff." what are the requirements? is there a net.god.entrance.exam?

From Five Mile Man
Date Mon, 03 Jan 19100 213131 -0800 (PST)
Subject Re Re

I was speaking to a probation officer today and he told me he went to Florence to register a sex offender (not AS a sex offender) earlier today and took the Oracular Journey route. He stated he thought about Wagner the whole way.

more of our public payrollers should be thinking about the Meister.

looks like a little y2k madness in the header there, eh, five mile man?

From Pentti
Subject Old item 056 Bayreuth
Date Mon, 3 Jan 2000

Hey quarter Finn!

I were watchin old items of the week and saw item 056 Bayreuth.

I am not so familiar with your language (or I am blockhead) but i were thinking, is the point of that picture that it´s old three dimensional (stereoscopic) picture, grand mother of Wiev Master, or did you realize at all, that it´s this kind of photo?

Link in that page leads to the site of Wagner (WORLD WIDE WAGNER) but i did not found any explanation there. I am interested of this picture because my father had (maybe have still) device for looking this kind of pictures and two or three series of pictures (got from America somewhere at the beginning of 19 century).

Pentti
Finland

bayreuth is where wagner built his famous opera house, the festspielhaus -- which is barely visible in the photo (i think -- it's kind of tiny, so it's difficult to tell)

Date Thu, 30 Dec 1999
From Paula A.
Subject snow + rain = my ugly city

You know, I was really hoping we'd all get to see a shot of Wagner on Santa's knee.

the wish is granted; long live jambi!

Dear lord, you DO have a URL for everything. Well, since tomorrow is the dawn of the end of the world, you WILL have a pic of Wagner on the anti-christ's knee, RIGHT?

wagner will eat up and spit out that poseur

Yes, Wagner will be a key figure during the coming apocalypse, of this I am certain. The beauty of the whole plan is that the hole in his head makes Wagner appear so weak and unassuming. The Beast will never know what hit him.

or perhaps wagner IS the beast (read revelation chapter 13 & you'll see an important clue)

I just read the scriptures and laughed. That can't be a very nice thing to do. A pox on both our houses!

i figure if god didn't have a sense of humor, there wouldn't be any humor.

i like that thought.

my ma says that when jfk was shot, she thought he might revive & be the antichrist.

ha! yes, i remember you telling me something like this before.

already repeating myself ...

it's ok to repeat yourself when there's high entertainment value. a guy can only have so much material.

and maybe there's some validity to her theory -- i mean there IS something awfully wrong with that family. maybe your ma was off a little and it's actually TED kennedy. maybe that woman got a glimpse of the "six hundred three-score and six" hidden on his forehead under that big white wig and that's why he broke her neck and threw her into the chappaquiddick.

that's as good as any other kennedy conspiracy theory i've heard ...

i also believe carolyn bisset kennedy was a femme bot.

i used to subscribe to a magazine called european travel and life. it would often give the phone numbers of hotels and restaurants it reviewed, and some late nights i'd call one of the german places and spout an assortment of phrases into the phone when someone answered. my favourite was always "ich bin schwanger!" (i am pregnant) or "the dentist removed my lung!" (i can't remember the phrase for that right now). i never knew what they were saying in reply, but there was no mistaking that delightful sound of confusion and panic in their voices.

that's TOO funny i used to do the exact same thing, using phrases from this book

and it's funny you mention dentistry, cos one of my favorite things to do was call the [name of german restaurant] and use german dental complaints from the book. yep.

ha ha! just how insane is that book!

my idea of a perfect evening would be a plate of nachos, that book, a phone, and an exhaustive list of unsuspecting german hoteliers. then i'd carry that book around in my back pocket for the rest of my life, kind of like mark david chapman did with a copy of catcher in the rye.

Date Mon, 27 Dec 1999
From Veronica B.
Subject That looked suspiciously like Wagner getting photographed ...

... in front of the Presbyterian church at College and Broadway a few days ago.

The other human in the car (the cats and insects had no obvious opinions), not being a particular Wagner fan, had no idea why I was so amused. But then, I don't really know why I was so amused either.

I really did enjoy perusing your visit to the Center of the World in Felicity, CA, as I had just passed thought there in June, and REALLY, REALLY wanted to stop and take a look. Again, the other humans in the car had no interest, the spoilsports.

perhaps you need to travel in better circles.

it was he, indeed. we were trying to be all undercover ... but i guess we didn't do a very good job of it. wagner does get recognized sometimes (most strangely, on a hawaiian beach by a dutch person), but not often enough to intimidate him.

did you really see me there? or are you extrapolating from the photos on the site? what was i wearing? if you did, how did you find me on the web?

Of course I was extrapolating from the site, but also playing the percentages:

1. There is a person in Tempe who has a bust of Wagner, and travels around taking pictures of the bust (this I learned over the summer, searching out info on Felicity, CA, after passing through on the afore-mentioned trip to 4-year-old heaven in southern Cal - Sea World, Legoland, Disneyland.) The website leaves an impression, and I occasionally return for chuckles when the daily grind is too grinding.
2. I see a person in Tempe with a bust of what appears to be Wagner, taking a photo.
3. I hypothesize that it's the same person, as the percentage of people in Tempe likely to be out in public taking photos of a bust (Wagner or otherwise) is probably rather low.
4. You were wearing a hat. I was too busy laughing to notice much else, and the 4-year-old in the back was demanding to know what the joke was.

The circle I travel in WILL get better as I am brainwashing them both, slowly and surely.

Date Mon, 27 Dec 1999
From Andre T

From http//www.deuceofclubs.com/rv/cal217.htm:
"Bud has published a book that will tell you all you could possibly want to know about Simon Rodia and his Towers"

thanks for the info, andre

From Pentti Keränen
Date Fri, 24 Dec 1999

From the land of Father Cristmas

By the way, there is Cristmas greeting to Wagner from another kind of Wagner who lives in HELSINGIN SANOMAT, newspaper in Finland.

Date Thu, 23 Dec 1999
From Jim Wheat
Subject Cap'n Pappy

Hello!!

Remember me?

I was just listening to the BBC on the shortwave, and heard a very familiar name re the Mojave phone booth. What a small world we're glued to!

I know, I know. Your next question is, "have I printed any more humor pubs?"

Not since "We" Ain't Me," in 1991, which I believe you already have.

Now that I'm computerized, it's a pretty simple matter. No more of that horrid, tedious Xacto/paste up crap! Thank God for the Mac!!

I've been itching to do more pubs, but for some reason, I haven't done it. One of my excuses is that I've been working on a history of the early red light district in Dallas for 3 years now, and, I would hope I can tweak a book out of it.

By the way, do I still own the "Jim Wheat Nursery" in Arizona? My memory shorts out whenever I think about it....might need more RAM.

i am sorry to hear about the ram in your shorts. unfortunately, your nursery has bit the dust, driven out of business by a tempe that wants to be scottsdale (read that as, "a garland that wants to be dallas"). the city decided to enforce old codes and make up new ones, in order to artificially create a higher-rent district. bastards. that's how what used to be a cool downtown tempe turned into starbuck's, mcdonald's, the gap, &c. (even a freaking HOOTERS. ugh.)

Say, "Hi" to the "Bye-Byes" for me!

Jim Wheat
Garland, Texas

From kevin f.
Subject Fw cherry clan
Date Tue, 21 Dec 1999

i recently sent an email to the folks at ferrara pan to express my frustration at their lack of market saturation in the boston area. this sad missive was their reply. had you heard about this?

i'm afraid so. not only that, they've replaced alexander the grape with "grapeheads" and the johnny apple-what's-it with "appleheads." or some such. stinks, don't it? i still have some empty cherry clan boxes, & i *have* tried eating"cherryheads" out of them ... but it's not the same ...

-----Original Message-----
From kevin f.
Sent Tuesday, November 30, 1999
To customer.service@ferrarapan.com

hello, i very much love the ferrara pan "cherry clan" candy, but it is impossible to find in the greater boston area. do you have any suggestions of where i might try? thank you very much

kevin f.

----- Original Message -----
From customer.service@ferrarapan.com
To kevin f
Sent Tuesday, December 21, 1999

I am sorry to inform but we no longer make "Cherry Clan" candies. But our "Cherryhead" candies are very similar in taste. You can find some information about "Cherryheads" on our Website.

From Noah_K
Date Tue, 21 Dec 1999
Subject Burning Man 2000

Hello,

I propose that for burning man 2000 we set up 4 to 8 phone booths and wire up phone line around the perimiter, then we can have a wierd communication system. Phone to phone line communication! It would be real strange., We could even have a speaker attached in some wierd places on the playa that would be amplifing the wierd phone discussions.

What do you think?

Perhaps we can find some phones in junk yards or something?

-best wishes,
-NoahK

that would be fun. it would also be a huge undertaking. so, i guess it'd be fun, if you like undertaking.

but i don't think i'll be at bm2000. let me know how it goes.

Date Sun, 19 Dec 1999
From Ken L.
Subject Lonesome Wagner

Is Wagner lonesome? No one of suitable stature to travel and dream with? I have the answer. Today at The Henry Ford Museum I made, on a genuine Mold-o-Matic blow molding machine, a bust of Abraham Lincoln. That's right, the Abraham Lincoln and, just to make it perfect he is GREEN. I would send him to Wagner as a boon companion if I had Wagner's address. Abe is tired of being gawked at , wants to travel abroad (which he could not do in his previous incarnation) and has expressed an interest in Burning Man. he is only about 3" high so he would have to stand on something to commune with Wagner but that should't be a problem. he also likes being smaller-less staring except for the GREEN thing of course.

From: Ian
Date Fri, 17 Dec 1999
Subject Greetings

I like the new stuff you have added;

About your Grandma -- I am sorry, my granny passed away in August at 90 its strange but when a patriarch family member dies, you find out things they have done that you never imagined them doing.

Whip It; As I see it, you have three possiabilities-1)keep shelling out $$ to replace the pin in the distributor or 2)buy a crate engine, this is a complete engine shipped in a crate (hence the name) and with alittle help you install the engine yourself. These run from 1,000$ 3) you have another older car (65 mustang according to your site) so instead of paying property taxes (insurance??) on a car that doesn't run give it to a junkyard. I had to finally give up on my olds that broke down in OK in March, but I kept the hood!! So why don't you take a piece of Whip It and save it as a memento if you get rid of her.

The phone booth; I'm not surprised that a movie was made at the location(It's had enough recognition) was there any mention of you or Wagner in the movie?

Deadbolt; GREAT BAND!, I recently got hooked on them while listening to "Halloween Hootenanny", the CD put out by Rob Zombie- they did "psychic Voodoo Doll" it was great. Now they just have to come to KC!

From:
Date: Wed, 15 Dec 1999

i just had a nonsense thought. gary chapmandible.

Date Tue, 14 Dec 1999
From: Corrie D
Subject book of the week

hey--how do you choose your book of the week?

pretty much anywhere my eye lands on my bookshelves.

you must have a very eclectic mix, judging from previous selections.

i shared your website with a coworker. she thinks you're a complete nutbar. (my own phraseology.) but in a good way. she said she could see the whole phone booth thing eventually having cultish implications. i assured her that you were totally against religious promulgation...i'll refer her to the 'sign' page.

corrie

p.s. i think you make very good use of the time on your hands.

Date: Sun, 12 Dec 1999
From m o l l y

...sorry to read about Granny dying. Hope I make it to 100...wow.

Date Sun, 12 Dec 1999
From L.Kelly Lyles

And Click & Clack never offered to diagnose...

Saw a 666 box of cough drops in my pal's studio, he bought it after seeing yr web site, so u were the topic of many laughs sat night. XXX K

From: Casstine
Date: Sun, 12 Dec 1999
Subject granny

my man deuce...

my condolences on the loss of "granny"... i love that picture of her with wagner..she must have been a "happening" lady in order to pose with him!

or else she wasn't quite sure what was "happening"

take care.. oh, an expect a care package in the mail..

later daddy-0,
'tine

From: Timothy
Subject: It's easier with Wagner.
Date: Fri, 10 Dec 1999

Tonight I got thrown out of Barnes and Noble for attempting to get Brett Favre's mother and two brothers to sign Kenny (the vacuum).

Just thought you should know.

From: ayanna
Date: Tue, 07 Dec 1999
Subject: Wagner filling

Greetings, Deuce!

Please forgive the intrusion if you cannot help me. I found your website while searching for information on poured or expandable foam products. You mentioned the use of a product called "Great Stuff" which sounds like what I'm looking for. Would you please provide some additional info on this product--like brand name,

the brand name actually is "Great Stuff"

intended purpose, cost, or any observations/comments about its usefulness?

don't fill a plaster statue with it, or it will EXPLODE

Anything you can offer will be helpful and greatly appreciated!

Thank you for your consideration...and I must say that following your water-rafting journey was positively DELIGHTFUL!

Peace,
Ayanna Reese

thanks. and i enjoyed your poem.

Date: Mon, 06 Dec 1999
From: Misty C.
Subject: Whipped Cream and Other Delights

Hola,
Just wanted to drop you a quick note to let you know I went to a thrift store this weekend and COULD NOT find WCAOD in the album section!! I was totally shocked and disillusioned. Does this blow your theory out of the water or has this happened before? Should I expect it at the next thrift store or is this becoming commonplace?

well ... it's not always at EVERY thrift store ... but they are still fairly common. but i have found that in california, they're almost non-existent. a sweep of downtown SF thrifts yielded not only no WCAOD albums, but NO HERB ALPERT AT ALL! who'd believe it?

i did receive two whipped cream albums in the mail today, though (from the ferret rescuers).

I guess its a local phenomenon then. Perhaps the thing at every thrift store here is that one Rick Springfield album with the dog....

hmm ... that gives me an idea .... NOOOO!

Spiffy! Hey, how is Whip It holding up?

not so hot -- or so i hear. she's still moored in san joe.

From: Mita
Subject: whip it vs public enemy
Date: Sat, 04 Dec 1999

Dearest Deuce,

You might already know of this, being the purveyor of all things WhipIt!, but it is just too divine not to share... Are you familiar with the Evolution Control Committee version of WhipIt! that layers lyrics of Public Enemy overtop Herb Alpert? "By The Time I Get To Arizona (Whipped Cream Mix)"

Thanks for 2 of Clubs
Mita

hey! how did this happen?

Ah, it is homage or is it coincidence?
(I've added a link.. consider it an homage)

Mita

From: from Michigan
Subject: it's official
Date: Wed, 01 Dec 1999

megan: do i get my slacking certificate yet?
slacker hq: yeah, i guess. or something.
megan: whatever. (yawn) i guess.

i am now physically incapable of getting out of bed before one-thirty or two. just can't. this morning, the sun was quite bright and it was hitting me squarely in the face. rather than, oh, GETTING OUT OF BED, i looked to my left. there was my snowflake pajama shirt (from a couple of nights ago -- i'm now in my "peace through superior firepower" t-shirt), and i swear it was almost smiling at me. i picked it up and draped one of the sleeves over my eyes, tucking the cuff end under my neck. instant sun-killer. i slept for a few more hours.

booyah.

megan

Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1999
From: jh

i see you got proposed to again. if you were a multiple personality, how many of them do you think could get girlfriends just through the site?

dunno. i'll ask them.

From: Patsy L
Subject: desert weirdness
Date: Sun, 28 Nov 1999 19:40:41 -0800

Hi Deuce,

I have just returned from a little weekend jaunt to the Yuma area, and was looking into the "Center of the World" phenomenon near Felicity and came across your most excellent website. I have enjoyed it enormously. I have not had a chance to explore your site extensively, and was wondering if you had (in your desert explorations) come across a place called "Names"? It is not very far from Felicity. It is a place where people (mostly from Arizona) go to write their names in rocks along some little hills. Quite amazing -- a little dirt road that went on for about a mile with names written all over the place. We drove to Yuma from San Diego and rented a 4WD to go exploring the Pichaco area, and "Names" was definitely the high point of the trip.

Felicity was a bit strange, and I'm ashamed to say that I didn't have the guts to get out of the car, I just drove around the place. I decided to wait until I got home to find out about the place in the privacy of my study. I wonder if the proprietor didn't get his inspiration from the "Names" place. Another point of interest, not far from Felicity (the center of the world), is Sidewinder, which purports to be the end of the earth. It looks like a development that didn't make it. Not more that a couple of miles -- econo world tours available, cheap, for those in a hurry.

We had a great weekend. I am a big fan of the desert. I enjoyed your desert tower pages as well. I am looking forward to looking at the Mountain Monograms.

From: paul
Subject: cold meds!
Date: Thu, 25 Nov 1999

hey I just found the page and laughed my head off I do remember the Black Draught medicine I used to watch The Porter Wagener Show in Huntington , WV on a local TV station or should I say 1 or the 3 local station hehe I have been looking for the syurp for a while it indeed does work REALLY well too I might add LOL thanks for a very good page and keep up the good work! LOL

From: Misty C.
Date: Tue, 23 Nov 1999
Subject: Phone and such

Dear Deuce,

You are certifiably insane. Will you marry me?

but what would megan from michigan say?

awww, you're taken?

well, i was. but she turned out to be certifiably insane. or something.

From: Ultima
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999
Subject: My Itemized Complaint

You get me hooked on Item of the Week and then choose this week not to update?! Is Item of the Week some kind of Internet crack, and you its devious pusher, giving then withholding? Deuce Deuce Deuce. Let me get my credit card...

I've at least been able to savour the many and varied previous Items of the Week, and they have been jaw-droppingly hilarious. I'm up to your ABBA and cardboard tube bets. I didn't know you were a fellow ABBA devotee! In London's Portabello Road Market, I stumbled across an ABBA karaoke CD! Shall I bring it on Thanksgiving for performing fun? Which of us gets to be the blonde chick? The CD is kind of lame because the backing vocals sound like they were done by...well, me, or someone with comparable crooning prowess, and she occasionally sticks around more than we need her. But it's better than the Sinatra karaoke I bought Heinrich, which features a bad imitator singing every first line, as if to "get you started."

But about your bets -- it's not true that you only bet on sure things. Or else you weren't aware that *I* only bet on sure things as well, hence my possession of your dollar upon consumption of the nacho-cheese-covered Gummi Bear. Had I known winning a bet from you was such a singular accomplishment, I would have saved and enshrined the dollar. But I probably used it to by more cheese-covered Gummi Bears.

actually, they were Sour Jacks.

Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999
From: Peter Mc
Subject: more print & biscaynes

your site has been listed again, this time in a wired type copy of a mag called Shift that's published out of toronto. it's listed as 13th of the 15 best sites of the month. (1st month on their charts). saw you at BM '98 & broken down on the side of the highway, sorry i didn't stop, late for the airport. i know a guy in portland that's a real GM nut & works mostly on early 60's GM cars, if you haven't figgerd out the distributor problem, he'd probably know. let me know & i'll give him a call.

From: Dave V.
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 1999
Subject: Love the site!

At the risk of being redundant, I'll repeat what I wrote in the subject line: I love the site! You and Wagner are invited to my wedding. As to when and where that will be, I haven't got the details down yet. Other details, such as who the woman is I will marry, are also unknown at this time. But when it happens, y'all two are invited!

wagner sends his regrets; he has sworn off weddings, it seems.

Glad to hear the phone booth is working again; that was what brought me to your site in the first place.

did you make it to Burning Man '99?

yep. i'm just WAAAAY behind in web documentation ...

From: Dave V.
Date: Tue, 30 Nov 1999

A pity; I would've given him some cake. Any particular reason he doesn't go to weddings anymore?

weddings are silly.

Did he have a bad experience or more, or is it a "been there, done that" sort of thing? Oh well, since I don't yet know when or where it will be (or even WHO the woman will be), there's time for the old boy to change his mind. If that happens, the invitation's still open to y'all.

Here's something for your Wagner mistaken identity files: I live in Huntsville, Texas, the last home of Sam Houston, and the present home of the university named after him. Just south of town, on the way north from Houston, we have a big statue of him, and, in statue form at least, the two DO resemble each other, except Sam's bigger than some houses, Herr Richard is small enough to hold in your hand, Colonneh (Cherokee for "Raven," a name Houston received when he lived with that tribe) has a full torso, and two each of legs and arms (including a cane in the wrong hand - the right, yet the living Sam carried the cane in his left hand - and the dead one carried it in neither), and the Dead Composer has only a portion of the torso and head. However, other than those details, they do look alike.

I'm rambling - where was I? Oh, yeah! The mistaken identity bit.

A while ago, while I was in the university computer lab looking at one of the many pages featuring Wag in a desert, one of my friends walked by, and seeing what I was viewing, asked, "What's Sam Houston doing in the middle of nowhere?" I proceeded to correct him.

at least that's better than being mistaken for beethoven, which is what more typically happens

Date: Wed, 10 Nov 1999
From: Tom Fool
Subject: JW fun

Just was perusing your mailbag wherein someone mentioned what fun could be had by going to the door naked when the JW's come calling. I believe this has been done before.

A (now retired) professor at the local institution of higher learning (!) was offended by the JW's continually coming by. He had his own religion and it wasn't JW. So one sunny morning, seeing a couple of JW ladies heading towards his house, he had one of his sons strip down and he did the same. "Knock, knock". The door opens. The women folk take one look (perhaps a long look, who knows?) and make a hasty retreat. As it turns out, that was time number two.

The first time, he was attracting attention due to not mowing his front lawn for a year or two. When all the usual "legal" methods of harrassment had run their course, the neighborhood folks finally got the city fathers to issue paperwork telling the good doctor basically, he would suffer their wrath if he did not mow the weeds. He did. Wearing sandals. Buck naked.

Now he gets to register at the police department as a 'registered sex offender'.

who is danny bonaduce?

ding!

i'll take washed-up celebrity sex offenders for $100, alex.

Date: Sun, 7 Nov 1999
From: jess

like a model would ever drink something that was 150 calories.

or had "worts"

i love the drawings on the "foo returns" books. who the hell is that guy in the tank top on jefferson's? and lincoln looks like he's examining his dirty fingernails or something.

it's like pro wrestling... SO funny when you're viewing it as something patently fake, but horrifying when you consider that you're supposed to think it's real.

Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1999
From: Aristeia

hmm... i had a deuce-induced dream that you weren't in, does that count? i dreamed some friends of mine were watching some kind of antique quicktime movie, and my grandfather as a young man was in it. your fault, i think!

sigh... isn't it nice to know that the kinds of minds that brought us "the cokesbury stunt book" are still around today? (re: pumpkin-rolling contest)

your friend ultima has a damn good job, and hot. i wanna interview red dwarf people. by which i mean people from the show red dwarf, not the little man from another place, although the transition could have been confusing, and come to think of it that would be fine too.

Date: Thu, 04 Nov 1999
From: Lisa M.

Just a quick note on your Herb Alpert Whipped cream and other delights ...my grandmother had that album, and we listened to it all the time...my five year old daughter just loved dancing to it every day. My grandmother passed away last June and I don't know what I did with the album...it was just too painful to look at. When I saw it on your site it actually brought a smile to my face. Maybe I'll try to find it today, and listen. Thanks Deuce.

From: Ultima Thule
Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1999

I'm very happy to have contributed to your brilliant Item of the Week section! By the way, that really was supposed to be a toaster pastry! The ad was for a Pop Tart clone that comes with a pack of icing; instead of pointing out that you have to spend 10 valuable seconds of your life applying said icing when really the Oompa Loompas should be doing it, the company is pretending that it's a fun and artistic activity. So the "doodle what you want to be when you grow up" contest was supposed to simulate what you can do with the pastry and the icing! Sounds like voodoo to me.

Last night I was perusing a Lillian Vernon catalogue and they advertised a monogrammed leather gum-pack holder! Made me nostalgic for Fingerhut.

--C is for Cookie-

Date: Thu, 04 Nov 1999
From: Juan M.
Subject: Updates!

Sign me up for updates! Your site has severely hampered productivity at the on-campus labs of an Orlando diploma mill (university) that shall remain nameless.

that's what i like to hear

I stumbled on it via a search on James Hampton, the Washington folk artist -- which by the way I can't explain as you don't seem to have anything on him -- and I've since peddled your wares to fellow computer consultants / college students, all of whom think you rock.

muchas gracias!

So sign me up for updates, eh?

you are now signed up. congratulations! if that's in order.

Also, I found a Twin Peaks-brand of industrial-grade toothbrushes (3 per pack), for cleaning rust or something. I noticed that you were a Twin Peaks fan, so maybe you want them.

oooh, yeah! they'd make a good item of the week

Glad you found your Oobies! (Oobiii? Oobisses?)

From: Craig A.
Subject: killer jokes!
Date: Tue, 02 Nov 1999

I heard these s**t hot jokes yesterday and I just had to tell someone, so it might as well be you!

Q: What is the most disgusting thing in the world ???
A: Siamese twins joined at the mouth throwing up!

Q: what is an irish cocktail?
A: A pint of guiness with a potato in it.

Q: What do you do if your washing machine breaks down? A: Slap her

Let me know if you use this. My address is Ancisace4_eva@yahoo.com

how about it folks? send those appreciative comments to Ancisace4_eva@yahoo.com

From: Tungsten
Subject: Tactic
Date: Fri, 05 Nov 1999

I think we're starting to see the leading edge of a new trend in spamming: spam-taunting... that's why that guy sent you those stupid jokes. He's gathering up "live" email addresses... maybe.

Date: Tue, 02 Nov 1999
From: Patrick, Stephen A
Subject: Pumpkin Rolling Contest

Hello Deuce,

I've always believed that the most clever of practical jokers take advantage of the "golden opportunities" when they present themselves. I'd like to offer the following suggestion:

If Phoenix celebrates Halloween like we do were in Binghamton, then there must be thousands of homes in the area that have Jack-O-Lanterns that will be sitting around for the next week or two before they're thrown in the garbage. If I recollect correctly from my travels through the Phoenix area, there's mountains to the east of you. If there are mountains, then there must be a road down a mountain somewhere that would be perfect for a "Pumpkin Rolling Contest".

Also, I imagine that there are plenty of radio stations that have telephone caller "On the Air" programs. Suppose you were to call one of these programs, and when you're "On the air", you ask them, "Where is the pumpkin rolling contest is going to be?" Of course, they won't have any idea of what you're talking about, so you then can say, "All my friends are talking about it, they think it's so cool that station WXYZ is sponsoring the "Jack-O-Lantern rolling contest to raise money for ZXY charity." When they ask what you're talking about you can say, Everyone I know wants to try to win the $1000 prize for the longest pumpkin roll down XYX hill. "They all think that the $5 entry fee is worth it just to see all of those Jack-O-Lanterns rollin', bumpin', jumpin' and smashin' down the mountainside!"

If the hosts are quick, then they'll realize they are being conned, and if they play along, then perhaps you'll have a hilarious conversation. If everything goes really well, then maybe you can talk them into sponsoring a real contest! It could turn into a local, and perhaps a national media event! Think of the possibilities!

We don't have any good stretches of road around here in Binghamton, otherwise, I'd try it myself. What do you think? I'm offering you the "first opportunity", but if it's no good, then I have a few friends that might be interested. After reading your web site, I'm convinced that you seem to be the type of guy that could pull this off. As my granddaddy used to say, "Strike while the iron is hot!"

And if you do pull it off, I'd love to see a transcript of the conversation on your web site, similar to the "Phone Booth" or the "666 Cough Syrup" conversations!

If you go for it, good luck!

Regards,
Steve Patrick

what is it about november 2nd? is this april fool's day in some benighted part of the world? bad joke day? what? what?

From: Casstine
Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999
Subject: my man deuce

bonjour monsieur d,

still searching for the glo-glo boots... alas to no avail.

happy halloween! hope all is well.

'tine

Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999
From: St. Vincent Harvestore
Organization: Portland Cacophony Society
Subject: Cardhouse Media Coverage

Hey, how else are people who possess no talent, no creativity and no soul going to become hip, happening and bleeding-edge but by leeching off of those who do?

This is a proud tradition in our lovely society. The same tradition that draws cash-soaked yupsters into neighborhoods where all the dead-ass broke artists, writers and musicians live. "Hey, what a cool bohemian little section of town... what neat little rundown houses... what excellent little shops and cafes! I love this place!!! But first, we need some ordinances to get those little rundown houses cleaned up, we need to attract some upscale businesses, and let's get those old beater cars off the street. And those damn musicians are making too much noise again, better call the police. Hey!!! Wait a sec! Where did all those cool people go?"

Desert phone booths, Burning Man, SOMAR... nothing is safe.

Bah, humbug... it's all a bunch of crap... it was better five years ago!... oops, sorry, maybe the only thing worse than talentless yupsters is listening to stories about how swell it used to be before, you know, when the sidewalks were covered with gold bars, everything was cheap or free and everything was, you know, just BETTER.

StV
Rehearsing Curmudgeonhood for later use

From: P. Gieltjes
Subject: discovered your site
Date: Sat, 30 Oct 1999

Hello Deuce,

I found your site & i like it.

Bye,
P;
the Netherlands
(Sorry, no wooden shoes...)

we here at Deuce of Clubs wouldn't think of indulging in such cliched stereotyping.

so, can you send me a tulip?

From: P. Gieltjes
Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1999

h'm... smart guy..
see what i can do for u..... but beware of dutch treats...
thnx anyway for the answer,
p.

(fake tulip..?!)

P.S. My mother language is - ofcourse - Dutch (NOT double dutch). So i apologize for jokes which seems to be acceptable in dutch but perhaps not quite correct in English.
(By the way i am NOT politically correct myself.)

From: KiSta Ferret Shelter
Subject: Whipped Cream & Ferret Delights
Date: Fri, 29 Oct 1999

Hi Deuce,

First, lemme say I love your site. I have spent hours reading about your adventures. Its much more exciting than my real life of scooping ferret shit.

i'll take that as a compliment

Let me introduce myself, my name is Kim & I run a ferret shelter in New Joisey. Its like a regular animal shelter, but its in our home, and its just for ferrets. Our municipal shelter will not house ferrets, and they were being put to sleep before we started ours. Its an odd thing to have in your home, but it keeps me off the streets, and the ferrets dig it.

Anyhooo...the reason im writing you, is because of my ferret Paws-ito. He has a copy of Whipped Cream & Other Delights that he would like to donate to your cause. Im enclosing a picture of him & the album. He's more into heavy music now, and is clearing out his collection of other stuff. I just wont let him bring any Limp Bixkit into the house.

So, if you're interested in Paws-ito's record, let me know. we'll be happy to send it to you.

that would be terrific! i'll record your donation, along with the ferret photo, on the site, and link to your ferret-y charity)

From: Deborah
Subject: Whip it
Date: Thu, 28 Oct 1999

Hey there...

I've just spent a happy hour on your site. Thank you for being so interesting. Do you still need help with whip it?

yep. poor whip it!'s still broken down, stuck in san jose, staying with the ever-patient lorne.

I am not a mechanic per se - I have done all my own wrenching lately out of necessity... however, that's not how I may be able to help. I live up here in the bay area & I know a really great mechanic. Perhaps I can get you two together? I also make a living talking people into or out of things - I may be able to use this ability to your benefit. Who knows? Send me the details and we'll go from there!

Deb

thank you -- here's hoping!

Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999
From: Carrie S.
Subject: unnerving coincidence? or...

deuce, this is scary!

I was meandering through your site and when I saw the most recent DID (deuce-induced dream) I began to wonder - what the hell is it about you?

i must be the freddy krueger of the internet

I've been having more dreams. Several more. The details escape me, but I don't think they were naughty or anything (sorry). All I remember is that one had to do with a road trip and a restaurant.

i hope it wasn't in amboy!

One thing that's kind of interesting is that in every dream you're in, you always look the same. facewise, that is. Why do I think I know what you look like? I think I need one of those dream-analysis books. Or a psychologist.

It's kind of strange to wake up and go, "oh, that was another one" while in the back of your mind you're chanting "perfectly normal, perfectly healthy" for the umpteenth time. I wasn't going to mention it, but now that I know it's not just me...hmmm...before you know it, you'll have legions of women after you shouting about their latest deuce-dream!

maybe they're shouting, fred flintstone-style, because of their broken toes.
[NOTE: regular deuce of clubs readers -- beginning with megan from michigan, and including carrie and also items champion jean h. -- seem to be breaking toes after heavy deuce of clubs dosage. there is as yet no explanation of this phenomenon.]

Maybe I'll scan my toes so you can feel bad about what you've done.

didn't you read the fine print? "deuce of clubs accepts no responsibility for injuries to extremities."

Date: Thu, 28 Oct 1999
From: Jessica W.
Subject: freddy kreuger indeed

I, too, had a GID (Carrie S. reference) last night. I enjoy immensely my Deuce-dreams. Especially since I actually have a handle on your visage.

But then, after luxurating in the afterglow and puzzling out the plotlines, I feel like a soldier in the legion of Deuce-dreamers. So trendy. Feh. But really, I think it is just you: I don't think 'the sort that has GIDs' goes around dreaming about just any guy with a website.

Anyway, here's the story line: You came to town for a big party. I'd secured this Mexican bar in Oakland, nr. San Leandro, mostly for it's groovy 60s style lounge/bar areas (indoor/outdoor carpeting, long bars facing sliding glass doors leading out into a suburban-classical garden setting for the smoking crowd, fireplaces, you know the type). We went on a scouting mission the day of the party and they charged us a $5 cover - I found out, when talking to the barmaid about my weird heritage (part of which lands me culturally in Guadalajara while my geno/phenotype is Anglo), that the policy was to charge gringos $5 more (than the general public) for everything. I ran into a dentist I used to work with, who's a freaky wacky 'I'm more spiritually evolved than anyone' kinda guy, and he bankrolled our buyout of the bar.

We moved several terrariums in, brought in favorite pet lizards, snakes, and some fish, and set up a homestead - bedroom, office-ish space, then the rest was all clubby. Oh, and people circulated through all the time; some coworkers from that dental office came through (I must have dental office issues, eh?) came through and whispered about how very chummy we were being and wasn't I pretty much taken and whatnot. My cat, Beauregard, decided to come visit and ate a couple of the more lethargic of the terrarium-bound guys. Then there was this whole weird action/adventure sequence involving a cruise ship. We rescued some kittens from the ship - they were going to become chum or something - and the mother cat helped the ship's doctor by putting them into little Chinese take-out containers for ease of spiriting them away on our bicycles (why we were riding around docks on bikes I don't know).

I hope I don't break a toe.

Jessica

From: Jessica W.
Subject: Re: freddy kreuger indeed

BTW, I just tripped over a tape measure left in the middle of the floor. Nearly broke a toe.

Tee hee.

Jessica

Date: Sat, 30 Oct 1999
From: Aristeia

is it possible that everyone, or at least all women, who read deuce of clubs can be separated into the categories "has broken a toe" and "has had a deuce-induced dream"? some sort of venn diagram... jean h. on the toe side, carrie in the middle, jessica w. and i would go on the dreams-but-no-toes side... there must be something to this.

From: Marie M.
Subject: GID
Date: Wed, 03 Nov 1999

Is it only women that report Deuce-induced dreams? (myself, Carrie S., Jessica W.)

and don't forget the original GID: the ever-popular megan from michigan.

so far, i don't think there have been any male GIDs. and that suits me just peachily.

Jessica seems pissed that anyone besides herself has GID. Too bad.

hahaha! well, jessica likes to be unique. who doesn't?

Unique, or possessive? No matter. It's probably just that crappy northern California weather affecting her temperament.

Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1999
From: Jessica
Subject: Jean's Foot

Hey hey!

I wonder if poor Jean had a GID the night before whacking her foot on the coffee table? Just a thought.

Can't stop exclaiming aloud over the Rainbow Over the Range posters/story.
She's a treasure.

Can't wait to see more Jean items!

neither can i!

Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999
From: bord
Subject: i was pleased to find a free gift!

thats right! my very own copy of a book by brian stewart. are you familiar with his work?

indeed. i even have his autograph.

the book that was left on my car? view from above the typos, misspellings, grammar mistakes, etc that i have found on the back cover, and the first 10 pages? too many to count. i could have sworn you had mentioned this guy before, but i couldnt find him on your book page. in any case, it is an AWFUL read, but i am stubborn, and want to see what he comes up with next.....

once, several years after i wrote the article, i was at a circle k, on the line with AAA after yet another breakdown. it was probably about 8 in the morning. who should walk up with an armful of books to stuff into the phone kiosks but brian stewart hisownself?

there was some dew on the little shelves, and i mentioned this to him. he smiled & shrugged & said there were plenty more books where those came from. i wanted to tell him i was the guy who wrote the article, but i had to deal with the towing & such, and stewart hopped back into his car and was gone. now he's closed up his huge antique store (and "mickey mouse museum") and headed for who knows where ...

From: Yma
Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999

HEY -- I'm going to see Sting on Sunday. I thought you'd be happy to know that, considering how much you admire and look up to him. ;)

yes ... my beau ideal of a human being. (ack!)

That's what I thought. I'll tell him you said hello. Anything you want signed?

yeah. i want him to sign amy grant. for eight straight hours.

You're a very sick individual.

you like me *because* i'm sick!

That might be true. I think I like you because you challenge me. And you're interesting and I like interesting people. And there's probably something about you being a sick individual that lets me somehow participate in your sickness without being myself a sick individual. I guess I'm a wanna-be sicko.

From: Chris $$$
Subject: Casey Kasem
Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999

I just happened to stumble across your site whilst looking for a sound sample of Casey Kasem "going off his head" about that damn up-tempo track preceding his touching dedication to a dead canine.

What a great site .......... and a lot of fun !! I love the initial 666 telephone conversation, mainly I guess because "I used to live next to a minister" !! Hehehe ....... : )

I also liked all the crazy products you've got featured. I haven't looked through all of your site as yet, but certainly will.

From: angelina
Date: Mon, 25 Oct 1999
Subject: delicious...........

I wanted to get your attention. Did it work? I need to have a word with you, if that's OK.................rsvp

what word?

OK.....sorry.........I have a request:
I want to know more about you. ........whatever you are willing to tell me will have to do...........

perhaps you have specific questions? i don't have a prepared bio ... there's a lot of info about me on the site, really ...

Just forget it...............you seem so suspicious!

what do you expect when you ask a complete stranger for unspecified personal information?

sheeee-zuss!

From: SLACKADAZICAL
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1999
Subject: BABS

I THINK YOU SHOULD DATE HER SHE SEEMS LIKE A NICE GIRL ATOP THE BOOTH

From: Marie M.
Subject: deuce-induced dream
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1999

I rarely remember dreams;

funny, neither do i

consequently I make a big deal out of the ones I do. Does any of this sound slightly familiar?

It's daylight in the desert Southwest.

that's TOTALLY familiar! ohmigawd! i've seen that THOUSANDS of times!

Along the highway is a long line of oversized, cast-off movie props--life size model dinosaurs broken in two--and other, assorted piles of junk.

the wheel inn! cabazon, california! pee wee!

There's a small group of travelers assembled for a guided tour of the grounds. I join them. Our tour guide is a dishevelled, middle-aged woman who has the air of a devotee of primitive, charismatic Protestantism.

MOM!!

As she ushers us past the "chapel," a dimly lit room decorated with ersatz wood paneling and purple wall hangings,

mom's house!!

I break away from the group to look for a gift shop in search of Cherry Clan and a suitable souvenir for Deuce.

a weekly item! that is SO familiar!

actually, it all does sound kind of familiar. i could even have dreamt it myself.

hmmm ... maybe this dream calls out for more qualified analysis

I guess you (via your site) have penetrated my psyche. I don't mind.

Marie

From: Courtney G.
Subject: Meshuguna
Date: Tue, 19 Oct 1999

All what from who week? Are you well? Please explain.

Concerned,
Courtney

Just having a little fun with you. Megan is lovely, worthy of at least a Month. Hope you are well!

Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999
From: Anonymous
Subject: yikes

you know, i think i meant to ask you one time what your take was on arcosanti. but, i dont think i ever asked you. so, here is the official question. what is your take on arcosanti?

actually, i used to work for soleri.

he's kind of a nut. his metaphysical theories are crap. arcosanti will never be built.

but he has some cool architectural ideas. passive solar -- the way to go!

you know, here were my problems. and thanks for getting back to me. judging from the website, i imagine you get mail from all kinds of kooks, including me.

1) if passive solar works so well, why are there so many god damned window a/c units on all over the place?

well, the buildings are experimental. not everything at arcosanti works (including the employees ... but i've evidently skipped ahead to your next question)

2) why tell me it will be an hour tour, if it is gonna be a 10-15 minute tour with a lecture by some damned kid that just started working there a month ago and doesnt know the answer to anyone's question?

and is probably high on something

3) why tell me that there is not enough food to feed the worlds population? i know that we are paying farmers not to grow food. we want to keep the price of food up. lets all go re-read the grapes of wrath.

actually, there's a surplus of food in the world. the problem is one of distribution. not the mechanics of distribution -- that's a piece of cake, if you'll excuse the expression. what gets in the way are governments. where do you suppose most of that "aid to somalia" went -- to relieve the hunger and poverty of ordinary folk? or into the pockets of somalian warlords? you know the answer.

4) why didnt anyone tell me that the project (arcosanti) is like 3-5% done? here i was thinking that this was his vision come to life. i had no idea that basically nothing had been done yet.

because if you knew that, you probably wouldn't have bothered to stop & visit.

5) if this is the city of the future, why are bells and a cafe the only shops of the future that they can think of? this is a tourist trap by god, lets get more trinkets! lets get more hokey stuff for tourists to see and do! lets part them with their money a little more honestly than a tour of 10 minutes.

yeah! they need to have The Thing!

6) lets spray those wasps! they are everywhere and they will make me cry.

hey, let's not get racist here!

7) the city of the future has no need for the disabled. i brought a baby in a stroller and had a hell of a time getting him about in it. i just got off crutches recently, and tried to envision getting around that place on crutches. a wheelchair? forget it.

not surprising -- there weren't any wheelchairs in bedrock, either.
(or on the planet of the apes)

damn i am rambling. sorry, dont get me started. it was a crummy visit. maybe i need to try it again. montezumas castle was much better. except they wouldnt let me climb up. they let me into the casa grande ruins, but i couldnt get into the castle.

how did you get into the casa grande ruins? they have it blocked off now. (i grew up within sight of the ruins, and back then you could explore the whole structure.)

i often find myself looking at views wishing i had a digital camera and wagner to capture the moment...

so do i! (my camera broke, and wagner's in michigan)

i guess i wonder if i just 'missed something' on my visit. it seemed like crazy people with crazy ideas my first time around....

no. i think you got it.

Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999
From: BorD
Subject: yikes

hey there, just wondering, is there any relationship between your site and the new times site??

certainly no intentional one -- why do you ask?

well, if you look at http://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/extra/dewey/misc/objet139.html, it looked like something i had seen on your site. when it got right down to it, i wondered which came first, your list or his... then i wondered if you were one and the same!!

i assure you that i am not dewey webb (although i think he is one of the finest headline writers in the business).

then he is stealing from you!!!

i think it is just coincidence. or else babs sent a fart bomb to each of us

From: Ted Casino
Subject: Cave Cafe
Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999

You think people are going to get that? Are you like, out of your tree?

From: C. H. Draft
Subject: Priceless
Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999

DON'TS: In one of the foreign missions a group of elders found some old American Remington and Winchester rifles. . . . they climbed on top of the church and began shooting at stray cats. People throughout the neighborhood began saying, "What's the matter with those Mormons?" Then they began referring to the elders as "Latter-day Cat Haters." (Page 138)

That's a hot one. Nice image.

Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999
From: Aristeia
Subject: botw

heheh... i know the "lds" in "lds youth over 16" means latter-day saints, but when i was working at nimh "lds" meant "learning disabled." so that was my first thought on looking at the book of the week.

my second thought being HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

(or perhaps "ha." "ha ha." "ha ha ha.")

i like the ominous-sounding "will be eliminated" part.

Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999
From: Carrie S
Subject: wo ist hasil?

I wonder what it is about that state - in the store where I met the "elvis is in the building" guy, the cashier said there's another guy who thinks he's a civil war general. he has all these weird stories and he tells everyone that the reason why he's black is that his troops poured tar or something on him. apparently he gets quite offended if anyone tries to tell him differently.

i used to live on the same street as "fake buckwheat" -- he was a kick. he called everybody "asshole" ... but in the "buckwheat" accent. i think he really believed he was buckwheat. he died a few years back.

ok, odd question time:
do you live anywhere near a bridge?

yes. two of them. now you tell me why you ask?

hehe...well, the other night I had a dream in which I was in az, and for some reason I and a bunch of other people I didn't know went to your house. you lived in a trailer (hehe, like jesco) right next to the golden gate bridge. yes, I know, it's in sf. It was a kind of strange dream. you were having some kind of a treasure hunt. for what, I don't remember.

funky eh?

did you ever notice Windows' slightly disturbing habit of abbreviating the title of your main page into "Deuce of Clubs: A Demon..."? I noticed it earlier and wondered if it was intentional or merely a comment from the underworld.

hmm...underworld=microsoft...makes sense!

this has been noted before, but i still insist it was not intentional.

perhaps the revenge of the underworld on my 666 expose?

I could use some 666 right now. the flu and my sore throat is making me sound like marlon brando.

walgreen's carries it. (666, not brando. i'm not sure anyone could carry brando at this point.)

From: Sarah
Subject: Insignificant Banter
Date: Sat, 16 Oct 1999

Alright, so I read your story about visiting the Mojave payphone...reminds me (almost too much) of something I might do. Just out of curiosity. My curiosity also caused me to look through the random photos from the trip. And again, my curiosity causes me to wonder...what does it say on the front of your car? I couldn't make it out, and (despite the fact that it's a neurotic question) wondered if you could tell me. Just out of curiosity.

here's a better look for you

Right on - two thumbs up...very original (your decorative skills, that is).
Especially the use of records as hubcaps.

From: layoric
Subject: That letter you received
Date: Thu, 14 Oct 1999

How about putting up a sign that you're not accepting any letters in response to the signs.

Maybe a sign stating NO JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES (or their letters).

Perhaps put the letter to flame and put a sign next to it saying something like, "Here lies the last Jehova's Witness who tried knocking on my door." and put it next to/under the NO Jehovah's ... sign.

A mother Jehovah's Witness and her daughter came to my door before, I should have excused myself for a moment, then returned naked. Ah well, I'll just have to live with the fact I only said "no thanks."

recently someone was telling me that she actually answered the door naked when the JWs came to call. who was that? [note to self: remember to pick up some used JW clothes on next thrift store visit ... ]

From: Melissa C.
Date: Tue, 12 Oct 1999
Subject: Your web site...

Just wanted to comment on your site and how fantastic it is. A national Canadian newspaper contained your link in its news today and I happened to check it out. Your sense of humour and portrayal of "the phone booth" are a relief with web sites I have seen containing modern language that lacks depth and thought as well as intellectual humour. Consider fiction writing (or in your case, real life biography). I think you would have quite a following since you are obviously talented.

thanks! know any influential editors at large publishing houses?

Sorry, but if you ever need any finanical advice.....

haha! i need all KINDS of financial advice!

Don't we all. I'm not in the publishing industry but I seroiusly think you should be. Have you ever considered writing?

sure.

i do actually have a couple of books-in-progress

i like the writing part. it's the marketing part i can't handle. even the process of getting an agent terrifies me

This is when you need a good, trustworthy friend who has some business smarts to help you. They can handle the crappy business/legal/accounting stuff and you can continue to do what you do best - write. I'm sure you have some friends that you've travelled thorough this thing called life with who have those qualifications - unless you had those "shady friends" who have all gone on a little vacation somewhere and are destined to return in five or ten years.

i don't tend to attract friends who have heads for biz. they're mostly creative ne'er-do-wells like me ...

Seriously though, if something scares you, all the more reason to do it!

sounds like joe versus the volcano ("why don't you do the thing you're scared of?")!

You'll never know if its possible unless you give it a try.

more joe ("we'll jump & we'll see .. that's life")!

Date: Tue, 12 Oct 1999
From: michele s
Subject: my parents went to Kolob and all I got was this lousey t-shirt

hi - just want to tell you that your site is delicious. A while ago I went up to Salt Lake to help a friend on his opus to mormon cosmology - Plan 10 From Outer Space ( starring Karen Black as Nehor ) I wish I had a copy, I'd send it to you.

Keep tilting at those windmills.

ciao,
michele

From: KimL
Date: Mon, 11 Oct 1999

OK, so I actually checked out some more of your web page and found a link to really my all time favorite guy, the fabulous Senor Vez. I knew him (well, musically that is) when he released his first single "You ain't nothing but a chihuahua" at the "La Luz de Jesus" gallery (where his alter ego, Robert Lopez, was a curator/manager) back when I lived in LA oh so long ago. He is just the grooviest!! I've only seen him live a few times but did manage to catch his "Feliz Navidad" show here about two years ago. I've spread the El Vez gospel to just about everyone who will listen (and some who were just hoping I'd shut up) up here in Seattle. I even had a fairly large El Vez shrine, complete with El Vez black velvet poster (not the one in your photo), a 8 x 10 glossy of El Vez as Che Guevara (grrrrr.... yum yum yummy) and a small glossy of the fabulous Elvettes in my office for awhile. (I work for the county and they are tolerant that way). I't so nice to know his message has spread throughout the west....

So is that really a bust of Wagner in the Cima photo? It really does look like a duck with the level of resolution on my computer.

it really is wagner, yep.

I realize that calling Wagner a duck is sacriledge.

it's ok. wagner's out of state at the moment

I have an ex-boyfriend who would be deeply appalled. Back when I was still feeling guilty for our breakup, I even made a fairly large detour in one of my european trips to go to Bayreuth & see the opera house. It was pretty impressive but I have to admit that I was just as enchanted by the really tremendous bakery nearby. I know, I'm a philistine....

damn. wag's been to germany (even to neuschwanstein!), but not to bayreuth. that still remains ...

From: Andrea B.
Date: Tue, 12 Oct 1999

Hello. You are quite the character. It always pleases me to see people who have gone at life the right way (which would be doing what they truly want to be doing) and succeeded.

now if i could only find a way to get PAID for it ... !

You, to me, seem like you've been quite successful in the most common endeavors- you've fulfilled a few personal missions, connected with others through your own mediums, and just basically been yourself. Whenever I read/hear about people like you (the seemingly self-actualized sort),

or, as my friend candi strecker says, SAPs (Self-Amusing Personalities)

I like to make contact with them. So I guess I just wanted to let you know that people like you are my wards against all the generalizing and categorizing that people tend to suffocate each other with.

glad to hear that, thanks.

Just from reading your other e-mails, I've noticed that alot of people want to reach out to you and identify with you, or want you to identify with them. They then proceed to ramble on about whatever it is they believe. I guess I am yet another one of those people. So I hope you read this far. That's basically it- just wanted to make contact, share a little of myself, tell you that you seem like a fine guy.

thank you. well, at least i haven't killed anybody this week. so that's something!

Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1999
From: Reid Fleming
Subject: your phone booth

I was just checking into Mojave Phone Booth sites and came across yours. Then I noticed while I was poking around that you own a phone booth which encounters a lot of traveling. And then I noticed that it made an appearance at Defcon 7. So NOW I know where that phone booth came from!

This is your opportunity to affirm or deny.

Reid Fleming, cDc

i affirm. yep, that was my booth. (in fact, i'm still trying to get my reimbursement for transporting it to defcon!) i have a photo of it onstage with the cdc -- i wish it had come out better. eventually, it'll be added to the site.

really enjoyed your Back Orifice presentation. i used to look at a site that posted choice BO nabs from people, but i can't find it any more. more power to you & the cdc!

Date: Mon, 11 Oct 1999
From: Shrodinger's Bullet
Subject: Updates...

I've spent the better part of my graveyard shifts for the last four days perusing your site, and I seem to have exhausted your archive... Can you put me on whatever list you've concocted to inform me of the release of your next bit of um, art?

PS - Are you somehow connected to the Discordians, the Church of the Subgenius, the John-Dillinger-Died-For-You Society, or any major societies promoting wide-scale anarchy and/or general goofiness?

i am a card-carrying member of the john dillinger died for you society. i also have ties to the other two you mention. is it that obvious? i shall have to work on my cover.

Date: Sun, 03 Oct 1999
From: Andria Fiegel Wolfe

You know... I've looked at the hidden "David Koresh" paint peeling thing on your site and just DO NOT [see] the face. Maybe if I send you guys a photo of the weeping half-face of Jesus that I swear is visible in the faux-wood plastic walls of my elevator (it even repeats!), you'll be able to see it. No one else can.

From: Tim H.
Subject: Concerns...
Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999

Deuce -- lately the government has been sending my poor mother nasty letters threatening me with imprisonment and a $250,000 fine if I don't fill out what they call a "selective service system" card....this worries me greatly.

Please advise.

i didn't know they still had those cards.

screw 'em, i say. they can't get ALL of the guys who don't fill 'em out.