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From: Risa
Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999
Subject: eventually, it's about Hunter Thompson

Hello. It's Mountain Day ...

mountain monogram day??

... which means we have no classes. It's supposed to be a surprise on a really nice day, so we can enjoy the day. Only problem is, it's overcast and freezing. The administration is fabled for its organization, not its spontaneity. But that's OK, because I have a huge art history exam tomorrow, and I'm your typical guilt studier, so I spent the morning with my flash cards and Giotto. But then I got suddenly sick of it all, and so I got on the computer, which is strange for me, because I'm usually intimidated by it. It's a G3 Mac thing, and it always does things without me asking it to, like changes the font.

Of course, my first stop was the Onion, because I hadn't been there yet this week, but that only lasts for 30 mins tops. Then I went into my dusty favorite places, which I haven't seen since this summer, and picked out Cardhouse. J. gave me both of those sites this summer, when I had the most boringest job you can have without going over. I got to sit at a computer, and smile at my disorganized boss if she happened to come into work, which happened a grand total of five times in two months. Otherwise I just sat without smiling, and waited for the receptionist to go home, so that I can go home. Never never NEVER be an administrative manager. It is not an occupation, it is a vacuum. Anyway, I have a dim recollection of reading about 666 cough syrup on one of the days that my boss was there, and almost peeing I was trying not to laugh so hard. That's not really because the article (or whatever) was so funny,

and here i thought the site was the net's answer to saw palmetto

even though I guess it probably was funny, but because the hosebeast wouldn't let me go to the bathroom except at lunch, and then again at 4pm, because we shared it with the photographer's studio downstairs, and they had important clients who couldn't be disturbed all the time. She should have put that in the job description.

But I got paid, and the job ended, and I came back to [college], where I remembered what it was like to have too much to do. Like I have today, only I'm suddenly in the Bad Place, and the weather reminds me of something that I never had, but miss terribly. Like the French verb manquer -- both "to lack" and "to miss."

or the german, sehnsucht

J. and I were talking over IM (which is actually a device Satan uses to siphon away productive time) and she gave me the very good advice of going to the river or the garden and spending some time with me. I actually got off my chair (but didn't sign off, which is probably why I ended up back here - knew I was coming back) and went outside, but it's FUCKING FREEZING out there, so I came back to the warm glow of the computer. It's too early in the cold season for me to spend time "enduring" the cold. In January, I'll be able to sit by the frozen pond and cry crystal tears. That will feel liberating and poetic. At least it did last year. Oh God, what if everything sophomore year is just disappointing, just like this Mountain Day. Never living up to the advertisement. I can see that happening.

I was, after all, so scared to come to ~[x] College~ that last year couldn't help but exceed my expectations. I spent all summer wishing that I was back here having the same good time, couldn't wait to do it all over again. Now when I go to bed at night (or rather, very early morning) I'm just stowing myself away in a cubicle turned dorm room, getting up again to read some more text and do exactly the same thing as last Wednesday. What was so good about last year? It didn't kill me. What is so bad about this year? There's no reason to try to stay alive. (No, I don't mean suicide, I mean alive where you feel your body and mind married in action, see the thought, hear the movement. Alive like when you're walking at night, and feel that laughter is both your destiny and your legacy, and it's OK right now to only hear the solid claque of your hard-soled shoes on pavement. But maybe that's so rare that it's something different from "alive." Maybe that's when I forget that I'm alive.)

Back to today: I decided to email you because everyone else is busy, or I don't want to talk to them. J. went to Bart's with some Ducks, among others, probably to get some ice cream or something else inappropriate for FUCKING FREEZING weather (you'd think I'd get over it, being from the North.) Oh great, I just got email, probably from someone really annoying. Well, that's 10 more minutes not contrasting Giotto and Duccio. (I really think we should concentrate more on Simone Martini than Duccio, but the professor seems to disagree.) But you seem to be a worthwhile person to talk to, at least someone who would read what I wrote with a modicum of intelligence,

hahaha! so how do you like me NOW?

unlike my aunt who always writes "you sound great. i am fine. i am getting better with the computer. the shift key is still a mystery,

to me, also. but that's because not using it is easier on my rms.

but uncle bob says i'll get there soon." Or my friend who sends me forwards about starving children in godforsaken places being helped by email. Or my sisters, who are obsessed with hegemonic status symbols like boyfriends and grades and academic capital. Wouldn't it be ironic if you deleted it all before even reading it? Then this would be nothing more than another diary entry, and I hate diaries. There's nothing therapeutic about writing for an audience composed of myself. It's almost arrogant. I hate it when I write long paragraphs like this, just rambling. Let's hit return.

That's better. Well, the subject that I had planned to address in writing to you was something that J. told me you guys were discussing, tapping into the Hunter Thompson model of getting Rolling Stone to pay you a lot of money to use your creative genius in whatever way suited you, uninfluenced by the normative structures of the entertainment world. I've been thinking a lot about the artist/entertainment community lately, in connection to a sociological study I'm doing this semester, and I'm getting myself quite worked up about the line between artist/rebel and artist-integrated-into-the-norms. I'm thinking about people like Spike Lee, and Leonard Bernstein, Blue Man Group, George Balanchine, Ani DiFranco, Schoenberg. They all started out doing something that was on the fringe, disturbing to the traditions and the norms because it challenged them, or at least ignored them (which is probably worse). They always had followers, people who saw the central idea of what they were doing, and somehow these followers grew to a size large enough to attract attention for the conformists (whenever something gets large enough, the conformists will pay attention, because all they do is what larger groups of people are already doing). If something is going to get all that attention, it will naturally be integrated into society, be imitated (sometimes successfully, sometimes not) and over time, become less shocking, part of the norms. Usually, it makes the original rebel rich, almost always famous.

so where's my freaking MOJAVE PHONE BOOTH DOLLAR$???

But it also makes them into a conformist. Not by changing their actions, but by changing their label. Spike Lee's films don't change, but suddenly they are fit in a genre, an industry. Balanchine's ballets will always be the essence of music in motion, but they are no longer the rebellion they were in the '30s. They are, in fact, part of Culture, old rich people go and see them. And think they're looking at tradition, not realizing that when they were born, this was blasphemy.

It's just interesting to me, I don't think I really have a thesis here. It's cultural evolution, in terms of history, but in terms of the artist, the person who was once the rebel, now suddenly made the epitome of the new norm, I wonder what it feels like. I wonder if it feels like success, as society dictates it should, or if it feels like failure. Do rebels set out to change culture and norms, or do they protest them simply for the sake of protesting? I imagine that it's a little of both. Because, disappointingly, nothing in this world is perfect enough to be answered in one page of concise composition, let alone one sentence. That's why I wrote a ten page paper on behavior that takes place in Starbucks (an exciting paper to read: people stand in line, servers take orders, and make fun of customers when they aren't looking. Ground breaking study, that.) (Perhaps you can tell by now, I am long-winded, although a small woman. Marisa of the Run-On Sentences is what my Literature professor called me last year - and I was writing poetry. Incidentally, J. and K. -- don't think you know her -- call me Marisa Warm Breast, and my father calls me Stands-In-Doorways.)

ok, i'm laughing here. that works!

Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1999
From: aristea

boy i come from a weird fuckin' family. i pointed my mom to something on your site, and she's like "this site is very germanic, isn't it." i'm like well... Wagner is... apparently she got quite turned off by the occasional german phrase, etc. i think i'll show her the "i hate nazis" book to make her feel better. bigotry just weirds me out.

From: Kim L
Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1999
Subject: Wagner

Does he have a consort named Cosmisa???

in life, wagner had cosima (among others!). now he has gretchen, a woman of similar ... constitution, we'll say.

Long ago I had a homemade papermache penguin named Spinoza that I took to all sorts of places for photo ops. It was really freaky looking. Unfortunately, being paper mache, rain was its nemesis. Spinoza had a tragic end as a matted pile of newsprint goo in the California redwoods.

marginally appropos, though, no?
(what am i, burgess all of a sudden?)

Date: Sat, 02 Oct 1999
From: TOAA
Subject: Wagner

Hey Deuce! Where did you get Wagner?

salvation army

I noticed that he is in a LOT of pictures!

yes. you are evidently proficient at noticing things.

Is that a hole in his head?

yes. you are evidently proficient at noticing things.

How'd that happen?

he fell into the rio grande

Well, anyway, I found your website in an article in the newspaper about the phone booth. How much do you figure it would cost to call from Pennsylvania? A lot.

no more than call anywhere else in the u.s.a from pennsylvania, i suppose. 10 cents a minute, or whatever your deal is

I really like all your stuff on your site, especially where Wagner goes crazy. Did you really give him to that little kid?

not permanently.

What did the people at the psych hospital say when you told them about Wagners problem?

i don't know. i wasn't there.

Well, thanks for the laughs! Catch ya later!

Date: Thu, 30 Sep 1999
From: Lok T Wing
Subject: GET A LIFE

I am another Grandson of George Van Tassel. I think your story about him is done in very poor taste. If you are going to do a story GET THE REAL FACTS.

i only said what daniel boone told me. i'd be more than happy to listen to your version. game?

Date: Thu, 30 Sep 1999
From: Lok T Wing
Subject: NO GAME

I do not have time for games. See ya!

Date: Tue, 28 Sep 1999
From: Aristeia
Subject: i'm gullible enough, spiderman

interesting variation on the dollar dare... my friend randy "oh, i'm randy enough, spiderman" smith and i were walking around in downtown northampton, and this guy on the Steps O' Degenerates calls out "nice pants! bet you ten bucks i can tell you where you got 'em."

randy stops and says "how about one buck?" guy says "yeah, all right" so randy walks over to him.

guy says "you got 'em... you got 'em on your legs."

he got the dollar.

Date: Fri, 24 Sep 1999
From: The Evolution Control Committee
Subject: Dollar Dare Obtains Ohio Operative!

Just thought I'd mention that I was reading through one of the zines you gave me, uh, what was the name? Macros, that was it. And read about the Dollar Dares... great! There were some people here who did something similar; whenever someone spontaneously did something so wild/great/unforgettable they'd automatically give them a dollar anyway. But my tale really begins at a local watering hole last weekend... I don't really like the place much at all, it's a totally formulaic goth/industrial club, but many of my friends go there so I inevitably wind up there. Last weekend was more boring than usual even, so I decided to try the dollar dare and it was a success! I didn't get to use it too much, but the best one was easily getting this one "girl" (she's going to change to a man soon; she has a beard yet still has enormous breasts) to hit on this one guy I know who's way too desperate and was making a bit more of an ass of himself than night than usual. Quite the amusing sight to see "her" telling him how much she'd like to enter his exit and so on... one of the better dollars I spent that night. :-)

Mark G. of the ECC

Date: Wed, 22 Sep 1999
Subject: Cole, who Cole?
From: Gila Mon

I spoke to a Payson cop who used to be a cop in Fredonia. I asked him if Fredonia had a "F" mountain monogram. He said that it used to but is not sure now. He said that the high school kids used to have a Burn the F party on F-Hill. He thinks "F" hill has been bought privately and the "F" destroyed. He was very excited about the mountain monogram thing and rattled off about 10 of them that he remembers in Utah including "D" in St. George (He said it stood for Dixie), a "Y" at BYU, a "U" at University of Utah (or was it Utah University), a "K" in Kanab, and a "P" in Panguitch (possibly). He said that in about any Utah town with a high school you will find a mountain monogram. He also mentioned how he would read letters to the editor in the newspaper people complaining about either mountain monograms or proposed mountain monograms. He said people would get irate about them saying that they defaced the mountain.

Still haven't run into Marshall Trimble, but my eyes are peeled.

From: Andria Fiegel Wolfe
Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1999

From Salon's gritty expose on Donny Osmond:

"(Item: Young Donny had a crush on the woman on the album cover for "Whipped Cream and Other Delights" by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. Probably unconsummated.)"

From: Harrod Blank
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999
Subject: Hello Deuce

Yo wagner, I mean deuce, what a fucking trip through your brain cells - you senor are crazier than I!!!!!!

than i must be crazy, indeed!

Love that shot of wagner on the dashboard going into houston, that's great - when are you gonna do a book with all this?

i've thought about it. but i don't know how much interest there'd be. how many crazy people do you think there are out there?

10-4 for now, your site is deep and I will have to keep looking.

From: Carrie S.
Date: Sun, 19 Sep 1999
Subject: batboy

wow, sorry (but also strangely fascinated) to hear about the bat story. Are you sure YOU're okay? no head trauma or anything after that?

(for those to whom i have not already blabbed the story, on the way back from burning man 99, a bat committed suicide around midnight by flying in the window and into my head. i emerged relatively unharmed -- sadly, the same is not true of my shady dell t-shirt, which was ruined by batguts.)

Did you take pictures?

of course!

I'm not sure I want to know ... yet some sick, sadistic part of me is dying to see 'em.

anyway...sent you off a package, you should get it soon, full of Swedish sweet love - sure to cure what ails ya, especially if you follow the little instructions on the back. mmmmm...

Re El Vez -- last friday was his concert here. I didn't go, but I heard about it from friends. Apparently, there was an article or two about him in the local paper as well.

When is ArtCar Fest this year?

23-26 september (check out the new main page i did for their site)

I have a friend in Berkeley I should visit, & the pix of the P.E.T.A vs. the Veget Aryans look tempting! May as well kill 2 birds (2 bats?) with one stone and hit it that weekend.

Also, I saw the cardhouse weblog thing in Entertainment Weekly. Pretty nifty...I love the Splash Mountain Performance Art link! makes one want to go to disneyland, eh?

Anyway, I must go decorate the port-a-potty next door...yes, the big manly construction workers need some pink in their lives, and an unsuccessful yard sale has provided the perfect tools...can't wait till tomorrow morning! hehehehe...

Watch out for rodents! (First rats, now bats?!)


Date: Sun, 19 Sep 1999
From: Sean Kramer
Subject: glue recipe

I must say your phone booth tale is quite unique. I'm linking to your page from mine, so expect as many as four new visitors thanks to me. I'm writing to request the recipe for the glue you used in making whip it's wonderful look.

i found it on the web. and, in fact, it's on one of the back raver pages on my site. but, trust me, you don't want to use it -- it didn't work very well. i've covered whip it! three times now! the best luck i've had is just regular decoupage glue

I had been planning a similar venture for my car using viagra ads from magazines and photographs of tongues although I had been planning to use superglue, which, in retrospect wouldn't have been wise. So thank you very much for imparting me with your tale, and saving me from my stupidity. Have a nice day, Deuce.

let me impart you with some wisdom i ignored when i began to construct whip it!:

"a paper-based art car is the holy grail of art cars"

and so, i wish you luck!

From: mary
Date: Sat, 18 Sep 1999

Hi I was checking out your webpage of exotic world and thought I would say great job on the pictures. I used to live there in '94 and '95, on the property where the museum is. I used to walk down the strippers walk of fame everyday to wait for my school bus, and I used to help Dixie clean and dust the museum, she is the nicest lady with lots of stories to tell about the old days.

I was 14 - 16 years old then and I enjoyed living on the farm and of course going swimming in that nice pool in the summer. I also got to meet some of the other burlesque dancers like Toni alessandrini (She was Mattel toys first child model) and some others which was always cool because they all had their own stories to tell. One year I was in the opening of the pageant, where they first come out with the flags, but I was too young to do any dancing. I really enjoyed living there it was a cool experience and I am glad you did a webpage on Exotic world.

Date: Sun, 19 Sep 1999
From: Jessica P

Your site is wonderful. I know you have been told this more than once. I just wanted you to know how much I have appreciated it. I'm a single mom with three kids and a very intense job. Your site never fails to crack me up. It's just joyfully playful. Nothing like reading about Wagner and his exploits while sitting in on a conference call with half a dozen "important" blowhards plotting control and manipulation. Puts it all in perspective. You are an excellent writer BTW. I especially like what you wrote about industrial hemp. I wish the mainstream public health, consumer and environmental groups would coalesce around that issue. They have the legitimacy to make it happen, unfortunately they don't want to be aligned with the 'pro-pot' fringe groups. Sad though, medical marijuana is exactly something the cancer groups should take positions on.

Anyway...nuff said. Like your stuff. Gotta go haul little people to the movies. Have a cool day!

From: Ponyboy GirlieToolshed
Subject: blow cloverhead
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999

I shod a whole entire horse by myself yesterday. first time for that - cold shaped the shoes and everything. He farted while I was dressing one of his front hooves and got me giggling so bad cuz he was also licking and kissing the back of my neck. Strangely, this was a dream compared to getting kicked, as I did last week. I mean kicked, as in airborn, via the hind leg, as if I had jumped out of the back of a truck. It scared me and I cried. Damn, I didn't want those bronc-ridin cowboys to see me cry, but geez, everytime I've gotten under a horse since I started this I've been hurt, ok not mortally, but badly - had to go to the er for stitches on the first day when I snagged my finger on a nail and then the horse decided to stomp his foot down with my hand attached to it...and those are just the highlights. My skin is turning into leather and the blisters on my hands have blisters. It's kind of hard to pound a steel shoe on an anvil when you can barely hold onto the hammer. However, I'm getting pretty good at nailing on the shoe and my instructor complimented me on how well-shaped my shoes are...arthritic blister paws and all.

We bought a 1963 jeep wagoneer for $100 - his and hers. okay, it's not like you're going to go into a diabetic coma. Old as it is, it looks exactly like mine except get's a six cylinder 230...ever heard of that? no, neither has ivory...we are trying to locate a book.

later tater,

p.s. when is the stuff from the july booth trip gonna be UP?

um ... will the judges accept the answer, "in due course"?


guess not ...

From: Mark B
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999
Subject: Missing! My favourite Wagner story -- missing!

At there's a hyperlink to where "Wagner meets Mr. Potatoe Head" used to live, but the Ladies' Fetish & Taboo Society site appears to no longer live at that address. Is there a new URL where that page lives now?

apparently, hurricane floyd (or tropical storm, or whatever it was by that point) played some havoc with the server. all is well with the potatoe head story now.

PS: The LA Times had a short article about the Mojave phone booth thing a while back. There was a small photo accompanying it, and if one looked really closely, one could just make out you-know-who (not much more than a small white spec, really), but (I'm shocked! shocked!) there was no mention of W in the article. Hmph.

another LA Times article comes out tomorrow (18sep99). maybe they'll get it right this time.

From: Courtney G.
Subject: Greetings
Date: Tue, 14 Sep 1999

How was Burning Man, man?

great, as always! documentation will be posted ... eventually (!)

Tried the booth on the 27th but you had not been sighted.

we got there late afternoon, later than we'd anticipated. i'd had to drive the truck very slowly -- and with the heater on! (because of the camper). sorry to have missed your call.

Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1999
From: Sour Jane
Subject: this week's item

at the house i was staying in this summer, there was a near-perfect (i think) image of the devil or some sort of satyr on the bathroom doorknob. i always wondered whether i should send a picture to the weekly world news.


screw the WWN! shoulda sent it to ME!

by the way, when looking at your site on a windows box with the little buttons at the bottom of the screen to switch around with, the button says "deuce of clubs: a demon." that cracks me up.

From: Parker
Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1999
Subject: you are hypereducated

So am I. I don't meet enough hypereducated people. Did you ever leave your little town in AZ and go to college?

i went to college without leaving my little town in AZ

Have you been able to 'get girls' through your site (As the FAQ goes?)

you'd be surprised

I'm one, but I am way above finding guys through websites. Yeah. I mean it.

i used to say something quite similar ...

Date: Wed, 25 Aug 1999
From: Carrie S

I have a pretty spiffy deuce of clubs from a deck of fortune-telling cards I found at a flea market...I'll scan or send it to you along with the booth/outhouse pics.


oh, and have you ever tasted smag???

not consciously. i don't think (?). i'm hoping it's a brand name of some substance? i'll try anything once. as voltaire said, "once a philosopher, twice a pervert."

AND ... EL VEZ is going to be here on the 10th of September!! He's playing Street Scene (an annual concert downtown), and then the Getty in L.A. the next weekend. What a deal!! I wonder how much tix are.

no price could be too high! maybe i'll mosey out for that, yeah!

What does hochste lust! mean? I like it!

see the last line of my FAQ:

highest bliss! I like it even more now...have you ever plugged the whole phrase (that word that starts with a U


along with hochste lust) into altavista's translator? It comes up with something like "unconsciously - high desire!" which has a somewhat different ring to it.

i love babelfish -- it's babelriffic! actually, the translation is more like "void of thought / highest bliss." (tristan und isolde isn't a happy opera ... if "happy opera" isn't a contradiction in terms)

Also, I was looking through the ravers page and I've come to a conclusion. Megan from Michigan must be on to something - you have some weird effect on the feet of women. Not two months ago, I too broke my little toe (the right one this time) THE VERY SAME DAY I SPOKE TO YOU AT THE BOOTH! (horror-movie music) Would you like to explain this??

wow. i wish i could. "i could -- dare i say it? -- RULE THE WORLD!"
sorry. it seems to be victor spinetti week here at deuce of clubs

unconsciously, (hey, I kind of like just that)

From: Chris W.
Subject: Choco Taco
Date: Tue, 24 Aug 1999

Perhaps you missed something in your article on Choco Taco....People do not buy Choco Tacos because they look somewhat like tacos. They just taste great. Of course then again, some people may....

Taste Great! : Looks like a taco!
Taste Great! : Looks like a taco!
Taste Great! : Looks like a taco!
Taste Great! : Looks like a taco!
Taste Great! : Looks like a taco!

I guess the debate will continue, but I buy them because the Taste Great!

Date: Mon, 23 Aug 1999
From: dr. cliff

i have spent many hrs on the phone trying to fix my problem. i have come to understand tech support people, so i can save you some time by giving you the responses they would give. maybe i can help...

1. is the computer turned on? is the scanner turned on?
2. is there a little cable running from the computer to the scanner? what color is it?
3. are you talking to me on the phone right now?
4. what is the country of origin and serial # of your mouse ball?
5. please fax us the receipt for your television.
6. you must increase system RAM to at least 3.5 Gb. no, i don't mean hard drive size. do you think i'm stupid?
7. there could be some dust under the F5 key. replace the keyboard, do a little dance, and reinstall Windows98.
8. just get a newer scanner, dude. they're like 40 bones at circuit city.
9. thank you for waiting. your call is important and will be answered in the order received.

(repeat #9 every 15 secs until anyeurism develops)

there. i hope that helps.

From: Neil Z.
Subject: Mountain Monograms
Date: Sun, 22 Aug 1999

Hey! I got a city for the letter 'M' on your "Mountain Monograms" page. It's the city where I go to school in Wisconsin. NO . . . It's not Milwaukee, NO, it's not Madison . . . Give up?

It's Platteville Wisconsin! WHY you ask does a city that starts with P have "the worlds largest 'M'" on the side of a hill? Go here to find out for yourself . . .

From: Mark
Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1999

Saw this in fishstick's weblog:

"Merry's Glamour Shots! I didn't know you could get Glamour Shots taken of your dog! Actually, I'm sure Glamour Shots would take a picture of your blender or a butterball turkey if you paid them the standard fee. That would be an interesting experiment: Take your butterball turkey to Glamour Shots, and ask for something slightly 'naughty' involving a feather boa and satin sheets!"

Or a small plaster bust.

that "fee" is probably considerably more than two UPCs from goldfish crackers, no?

Hell yes. I guess just keep that in mind in case one day there's a sale coupon that floats yer way or something. Like a 2-for-1, then you and the ole' bean can both be made-up pretty like!

Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1999
From: Krishna
Subject: where is this end of the world?

Hey, what happened, Deuce? There was a cool little earthquake here on Tuesday, but that's about it.

To tell the truth, I forgot all about it

Maybe Criswell didn't mean the actual end of the world, but the "end of the world as we know it"

Date: Wed, 18 Aug 1999
From: Olivia
Subject: Y2K

Damn! What is the world coming to if you can't even count on Criswell, for heaven's sake!!!

Happy Armageddon day!

Date: Wed, 18 Aug 1999
From: Mark G
Organization: The Evolution Control Committee
Subject: Beauty is what beauty eats

Man, if I have not made this perfectly clear by now, Whip It! blew my MIND when I first discovered it. I hereby issue you major kewl pointz for having done it.

From: Charles D.
Date: Sun, 15 Aug 1999
Subject: great site/family stuff

Hey Deuce!
Very cool site.
I was doing some geneaology stuff using the Alta Vista search engine and your site came up. The name Deuce seems to come up in our family and I was wondering if there was any connection. Do the names Burke, Gus, Joseph, Elizabeth, ring a bell. How the places CA,Las Vegas, Montana, New Jersey, Canada, Ireland, Scotland? Any family connections?

doubt it. i'm a fourth-generation arizonan (although on my mother's side there is scottish -- but WAAAAAAY back. we're supposedly descended from wm. wallace and robert the bruce. yeah, like every other person with a drop of scottish blood).

I was in Tempe, playing with my band at the Bash on Ash, a while back. Love that town. The good looking girl ratio is way off the scale :)

got that right! unfortunately, the idiot politician ratio is also way off the scale

Date: Sun, 15 Aug 1999
From: Russ C
Subject: A Mountain Monogram!

Hi Deuce,

The attached shot of the airstrip at Kearny, Arizona contains (by coincidence) a Mountain Monogram! The 'R' stands for Ray High School, which was relocated to Kearny sometime in the 60's when the actual town of Ray was dismantled to make room for expansion of the open pit copper mine there.

From: Simple
Subject: The X is for X CITE MINT
Date: Tue, 10 Aug 1999

I read that x car book when i was a kid. i can remember where i was sitting in the school library an' ever'than.

From: Courtney G
Date: Tue, 10 Aug 1999

I would drink muddy water and sleep in a hollow log to be able to go to the Booth and Burning Man this year, (both of which I'm grateful to you for introducing me to) but I'll be in Block Island. I'm going to do everything in my power to get there next year.

If you require a 20 acre, tumbleweed filled perimeter, NYC might give you hives. (Although I think you may be the only person who actually believes you're antisocial.) Nevertheless, if you find yourself headed in this direction I will escort you to Coney Island and buy you a Nathan's Hot Dog.

Be well,

PS Of course I've seen your website. I've got a dip in work production to prove it. Be proud.

Date: Tue, 10 Aug 1999
From: Kathy B

The writer absolutely captured the on-the-air editorial tone of Car Talk! Congratulations on this latest (and most successful) invasion of the Rest of the World!

Date: Mon, 9 Aug 1999
From: Jessica W

Congratulations on the Car Talk spotlight! Hooray! You are such the mainstream media celebrity these days! I bet you're making all sorts of extra reverbrations on the collective newspaper-reading/NPR listening consciousness. Right on.

Very much looking forward to meeting yer bad self in person,


Date: Mon, 09 Aug 1999
From: Carrie S

Hi Deuce,

I just returned from a trip to San Francisco, and one of my travel destinations seemed like your type of thing. At Benziger Vineyards in the Sonoma Valley (CA), there is an outhouse that has been converted into a fully functional phone booth, complete with litle crescent window...I can send pictures along if you like.

por favor!

Will also be sending along a faboo souvenir I picked up in Chinatown.


From: Casstine
Date: Sun, 8 Aug 1999
Subject: face lift

hey daddy-0 d,

i like the new layout to your site... very clean.... sorry i don't have those pictures of the grave in the middle of the parking lot.. my friend with the digital camera just vanished off the face of the earth.... i'll get'em to you when i can..hope all is well in arizona....


From: Jay R
Date: Sun, 8 Aug 1999
Subject: Wherefore art Slim Whitman

A while back I recall listening to the winners of the Paloma Blanca contest on your site. Now I can't seem to find them. I found the page announcing the contest, but not the page with the winning entries.

Any help locating that long lost page would be greatly appreciated.

I'm just a bird in the sky,

here's slim's contest & the winning entries

From: megan
Date: Sat, 07 Aug 1999 00:10:44 EDT

i am in love, i think. would you be so kind as to tell me if it is with you?

how has this condition manifested itself?

i live in michigan. does that have anything to do with it?


michigan. megan.
megan. michigan.

hmm. there may be some connection. we need more data

From: megan
Date: Sat, 07 Aug 1999

well, since i have started spending more time contemplating you, i have broken my little toe (left foot) and lost my voice. i think you will agree it can only be an outward sign of my emotional attachment to you.

any data you require will be supplied willingly and promptly. you have my full cooperation. also, i work at a library, and approximately six times a year different citizens donate copies of "whipped cream and other delights." i intend, with your permission, to send any and all of these in your general direction.

by the way, i have a second home in phoenix. is that relevant data?

yours in complete, albeit silent, devotion...

From: yma
Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1999

Hi there! Just wanted you to know that I was on vacation this past week, and I found a mountain with a letter on it for you. It was in CO. Does that count? When I get it developed I'll scan it and send it to you. Do you need an original as well?

i don't think so, as long as you send a psd at maybe 150 psi. danke!

see ya

Date: Wed, 04 Aug 19990
From: Dan G.
Subject: Hi

I was looking at your Whip-It car page,. and might i say its remarkable. i live in houston, my names Dan, and i think your page is the shit. :) You have excellent taste, and wonderful content. This is the only place besides freshmeat i visit everyday. Aww Jeah..........

Date: Mon, 02 Aug 1999
Subject: did you miss us?
From: Molly

...we (being Molly and Wagner) are back from our sojourn. Wag held up very well but you never mentioned what a souvenir hound the lil fella is...

he's a little pig of a packrat, he is!

Date: Mon, 02 Aug 1999
From: Jim Mc
Subject: Slim Whitman

I have applied for a domain address of Una Paloma Blanca and have 6 versions of the song, all in Spanish (except the straight musical ones) and would kill for the Slim Whitman version which is (supposedly) out of stock EVERYWHERE. It is great to find someone else who has an appreciation of the finer things in life. Can't remember the name of the movie that featured Slim's singing the Indian Love Call which caused the Martians heads to explode,

(Mars Attacks!)

but it is apparent that they also loved Slim. Any information as to where to find a version (preferably CD) of Slim's stuff would be most appreciated. Keep up the insane work.

P.S. I first heard UPB in Puerto Vallarta and I go there every year. When we walk into El Set restaurant the head waiter signals the piano player (no mariachi), he always plays it and the waiters all sing. Wonderful. If you go, ask for Saul or Xavier.

From: Hypnagogue
Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1999
Subject: Stillerathon

Hey G -- Swirly Thing Alert -- there's a Ben Stiller marathon tonight (Sunday) from 6:30 p.m.-12:30 a.m. on FX.

And I *still* haven't found Oobi on eBay!

Date: Sun, 01 Aug 1999
From: Fish Rule The Sea
Subject: MM's

Hi Deuce,

Do letters spelled out with planted flower beds count as mountain m.'s?

are they on a mountain? and is it the town's initial(s)? then, sure, why not? got photo(s)?

I know of several of those, and it's always seemed about as dumb as big white letters to me.

dumb? DUMB???

Dumber maybe, since they have to constantly tend the letter garden to keep it snappy. Our tax dollars at work, I guess.

muchas lust,

Date: Sun, 01 Aug 1999
From: Fish Rule The Sea
Subject: Haiku memoirs of a former WhipIt! girl

The passage of time
dims not my sweet whipped dreams of
Wagner in my lap.

Cool shaving cream nice
Could I ask anything more?
Who will pour my drink?

more to follow....

love B

From: Manu
Subject: NEW ROSE
Date: Sun, 18 Jul 1999

i've seen on your recommandation the compil "play new rose for me". I'am a big fan of the label and I search the catalog, I've you got an idea where I can find it ?


i'm afraid not. i got that cd at a pawn shop. but i do think you'll have a better chance finding it in france than in the u.s.

good luck

Date: Mon, 26 Jul 1999
From: Vickie
Subject: No Trespassing

I was just delving farther into your site and came across your signs you have posted to keep away "unwanteds" from your abode. Did you ever reply to the concerned citizen?

at the time, i had a boss who was jehovah's witness. oddly enough, he knew this guy. my boss wasn't happy that i had documented the jw wackiness on my site. i told him i would document anything this guy did. so my boss told the guy never to mess with me again. so i guess the answer to your question is, yes and no

And here is my thought on his letter...In one of the beginning paragraphs he says that everyone who listens to his message, gives it a fair shake..."whoever is reasonable", does this sound like it may pertain to you? I mean, reasonable?!?!?

look on my home page ... "a demonstrated aptitude for" what?

To religious unwanteds who leave strange long letters? Anyway, I know I wouldn't be quite reasonable if I had a neighbor like this JW.

my neighbor (who just moved) was WAY crazier than the jw

And, I wonder what he might be a "concerened" citizen about? A letter like this would only make me put up more threatening signs, not less like he suggests you do! Anyway, thanks for keeping me entertained!


that's what i'm here for

From: Malika
Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999


I just wanted to thank you for the nice tribute you did to the valley of the moon and to the belly dance festival. Had we known sooner we would have thanked you sooner. One of the members of valley called me today and told me about it. That was the first year we did it and I was the organizer but it now has been taken over by Dancers in the Desert "Belly" Dancers which is a group of dancers that have gotten together to do performances. The next one is still in the planning stages so we don't have a date yet.

Thanks again,


Date: Sat, 24 Jul 1999
From: dr. cliff
Subject: whip it! rescue

ok, i'm getting drunk right now, so elaborate plans are hatching ( you know, like shooting bottle-rockets @ hippies or clandestinely playing deadbolt's bongos)

fly to l.a.
we'll drive up & rescue whipit.
you drive it to l.a., i'll follow. (that's the really boring part i haven't resolved yet)
we'll install the fluidampr (WARNING- this is a $200 part almost)
you go home.
i like the way that sounds. YOU GO HOME!

worse case- we limp whipit to and you fly home on the other half of yer round trip. i figure if it makes it to l.a., then we do the fluidampr trick, she's golden for a drive to tempe. then the booth, then the man. do it. do it NOW!

we just got the motorhome running for bm. started up like a champ, that big dodge 440 came to life like frankenstein.

also consider- ferget the booth before bm. fly to l.a and go to bm w/ us in motorhome luxury. you're always welcome at that folding-step front door. thing sleeps eight, so you can crash inside regardless of how you get to bm. just a thought. we could paint a big cardhouse logo on the fucker and set it on fire, drive it thru rave camp!

From: Casstine
Date: Sun, 18 Jul 1999
Subject: gimme au go-go

Wrote to you several weeks ago on how much i admire and adore your Whip-it! go-go boots... since then, i have discovered the existence of go-go boots that glow in the dark, call "Glo-Glo Boots" ... apparently these were manufactured in the mid to late sixties and are extremely rare...i was wondering if i could reserve a tiny space on your "Gimmie Page" so that you may alert the masses to this "grail" that i seek.... your cooperation will greatly be appreciated... oh, yeah.. and they gotta be a size 7 1/2.. thanks daddy-0...


Date: Sat, 17 Jul 1999
From: CALENdeRsign
Organization: Sepp Rothwangl (CountDAWN)
Subject: Malachi, eclipse and acient starknowledge

Dropped by coincidence into your website!
"De labore solis" of Malachias prophecy means in fact: solar eclipse and Pope John Paul II! Please have a look to URL: There you will find a site about Malachi, star of Beth. and a scientifical symposium on archaeoastronomy straight upon central line of the total solar eclipse with many experts of history and astronomy.
That will be interesting for You!

Bye (CountDAWN)

that's a full week before criswell's apocalypse ... nevertheless, i think i will stick with criswell

by the way, i never sent a response, and yet i ended up on your stupid astrology listserv. draw up a chart & see if you can predict what my response to that will be.
Date: 28 Jul 1999
From: CALENdeRsign
Organization: Sepp Rothwangl (CountDAWN)
Subject: Malachi, eclipse and acient starknowledge

Hey Deuce,
I look in my screen and see your response : "unsubscribe"

Date: Fri, 16 Jul 1999
From: Shawn
Subject: 4 Piece Lizards

There may be 8 of them, but I think you missed the point. They need to be hooked together.

They appear to be breeding pairs of the wild and highly dangerous "Fossilfuelous" frogs.

As you can see, the Azure breed. The Evergreen, the Ruby Desert frogs, (Please take care to keep them moist, as in their natural environs) and the dreaded, Banana frogs. The last of the group aren't really frogs. They come from Kent, WA. They're related to slugs.

your biological expertise exceeds mine. i stand corrected.

Date: Wed, 14 Jul 1999
From: Rex R

I thought of you while on my way home from Montana on July 4, when I stopped at "Carhenge" just north of Alliance, Nebraska. Somehow, I thought you'd appreciate this place, if you hadn't heard about it already.

i think wagner's been there. but i haven't.

From: Furiya
Subject: Field Report
Date: Wed, 14 Jul 1999

Last Sunday, I was at the Queen Ann Bartell Drug Store to pick up some prescriptions and stuff. While walking back to the drug counter, I passed the cold medicines and spotted the infamous "666 Cold Medication" in pill form as highlighted in the Deuce of Clubs website. I decided to purchase a box only because it was a novelty to me. You should have seen the response I got from the cashier. It was hilarious. She looked at me as if I were a leper. You should go down there and buy a box or two just for the response. I have to admit it is a weird name for a product. The bright yellow box with the numerals in black stand out on the shelf. It was weird to see it on the shelf.

Date: Wed, 14 Jul 1999
Subject: A dream
From: Gail

Here's a dream from last night while it is still fresh:

I woke up in a large house that seemed to be more of a confrence center than a house. I had it on good faith and word that Jesus was returning and was embarking on a world tour and would be visiting the area. I immediately ran to Scott's room by way of a shared bathroom but in the bathroom I met an extremely beautiful woman who had just stepped from the shower and was wrapped in a towel. She had obviously been there all night with Scott. I asked her if Scott was in and she motioned that Scott was sleeping. I asked her to tell him to come and see me when he wakes up. She agreed and went back into his room.

I was extremely giddy, with the thought of Jesus coming back and with the fact that Scott had a woman, a very beautiful one at that. As I was returning to my room I saw Scott walking down the hall towards the shared bathroom. I tried to warn him of the woman who may be back in there but he ignored me and was bent on washing up. I listened by the door and heard that she was not in there. As Deuce exited I told him that Jesus was coming and would be in town later that day. He said that he he had something to that effect and was planning on visiting him. Deuce said that people would be bringing their most prized possessions and treasures to give to him. I asked if Deuce was going to take anything and he looked at me and rolled his eyes as if to say "duh" and informed me that he was going to take Wagner. But, before giving Wagner to Jesus he was going to get a picture of Jesus holding it.

I started scrambling around the house and under my bed for a potpourri of found objects to bundle up and give to Jesus. We finally made it to the place where Jesus was sitting on a throne and waited our turn in line. Finally, Deuce made it to Jesus just before me in line. I watched the exchange and it went something like this:

Deuce: Jesus, I brought you this statue of Richard Wagner, the composer, but could I get your picture holding it?

Jesus (with a big smile): Wow, I've always wanted this. But you know, I have the real one at home.

And that was the end of the dream.

Any interpretations?

From: Neal M
Subject: Criswell PREDICTS!
Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 21:20:51 -0400

In a cleansing burst of synchronicity, I heard an MP3 from one of Jello Biafra's spoken world albums not two days before reading your Criswell page.

Maybe Criswell was right - it'd take at least a couple days to die of radiation poisoning.

From: Badboy
Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999
Subject: Dinner Dogs?

Hi, what a cool/weird web site. I may be mistaken but the big dogs heads came from Doggie Diner restaurants in the SF. / Oakland Bay area. I drove ambulance there in the 70's and they had the best / worst chile dogs on the planet.
Please let me know if I am correct in this or just crazy

you are correct. you may also be crazy. you may already be a winner.

From: CaptnRock
Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999
Subject: wheat paste recipe

please send me the wheat paste recipe.
PS I like your writing style. fun.

Date: Tue, 06 Jul 1999
From: Carrie S
Subject: Re: Today's Booth trip


Glad to hear the gathering was fun, I will try my damnedest to make it a b-day trip for me in you're the 25th eh? It'll be one big party! I like the Ludwig II connection. I had no idea until now that the 27th is confucius' birthday as well. Wow, the things you learn from desktop calendars!

As for Burning Man, I don't sounds great but there's lots of stuff going on for me that week...might have to hold off till BM 2000. But who knows?? ArtCars sounds really neat too. How is WhipIt! doing? I think I read her story out of order so I am a bit confused as to her current condition. I hope she's ok! I will keep my eyes open for any copies of Whipped Cream and Other Delights. And your pressed rose will be on its way soon, it's kinda big but should work.

I just read about the Bisbee trailer hotel, sounds like an interesting place.

it's unique, that's for sure. they're now working on a boat and an old pacific coast league team bus

All the fun of trailer park living without the commitment! Have you ever seen the Tee Pee Inn in San Bernardino, CA? It's a bunch of ramshackle, oversized, pinkish cement-looking teepees sitting on a street corner. Alongside the splendor is an equally ramshackle sign proclaiming "DO IT IN A TEE PEE". I saw it one day passing through on my way to L.A., but I don't remember exactly where it was. It looked quite intriguing, and your numerous motel experiences reminded me of it.

there used to be a tee pee motel right here in tempe, but arizona state university thoughtfully tore them down and made a parking lot. you don't see parking lots every day, must have been their thinking.

But does one really spell it "Tee Pee"? I always thought it was just one word, "teepee", but I guess they had to emphasize the "pee" part of it.

all's fair in love, war, & transliteration

where does one go to the restroom in a teepee anyway? hmm...

"i'd rather have him in the tent pissing out, than outside the tent pissing in." -- lyndon baines johnson, on why he named one of his enemies to his cabinet

one last thing - confluences...intersections of whole-numbered lines of latitude and that the right definition? The Confluence project sounds interesting. Confluence mandible? Even more interesting! hehe...take care!!

From: susan b
Date: Fri, 2 Jul 1999

I am sure you will have a boatload 'o email when you return from your latest Mojave oddy-see, so I will keep it short.

You see, I wanted very much to explain missives, booths, Cardhouse to my friend Joe who seems to require some background before he can really understand, even though he is a very bright young hipster not unlike yourself, I suppose. I am trying to one-up him on fun web site discovery. Your site sure beats the hell out of *, which Joe tried to help me understand to no avail - Those people are loony! Bob Dobbs isn't even REAL, man! The site contains sick and twisted cartoon nudity! I was appalled. Thank goodness for decent, caring folk like yourself.

Oh, one question.
Have people started to WORSHIP the Mojave Booth? You have to watch out for that sort of thing, you know. People are empty, and they can become dangerous, as the aforementioned web site proves.

no one is worshipping the booth -- at least, that i know of. but there was a pitifully weak attempt to shanghai it into a New Age Iron John Male Bonding Mecca.

this atttempt has been thwarted, thankfully.

Well, take care, You have enhanced my life and I am grateful.

de nada. this is why we are here.

(not really my handwriting)

*This is not a plug for I am a normal person, THEREFORE, I think they suck.

Date: Fri, 2 Jul 1999
From: Andrea

I am not looking for public recognition, but I don't mind being ridiculed, so this is my waiver. I've been looking at your website, and it's interesting though perplexing. I started out intrigued by the phone booth exploration, but I got confused when I came across something about Daniel of perplexing phone demeanor. I went to your Twang page to try to figure this out, and then a few more places, but I still don't know who Daniel is. I guess I don't care as much anymore, but I thought you might want to know that if I'm not daft, there's a confusing point.

daniel is a deuceofclubs pal from a-ways back. he likes to remain a mystery.

The whole website is pretty overwhelming, but that's a-ok with me. Anyway, I was wondering if you could send me a couple packages of Twang. I've never seen it, but I'm a big fan of salt and pickles. When I was teething my dad had me suck on pickles and then he put them back in the jar. I will think you're even cooler if you send them. I have the audacity to specify: one lemon-lime, one pickles. (I think I remember reading that you could only order lemon-lime, but I'd love pickle.) I don't really want to order 250, having never tried it. You seem like a busy person, so I understand if this is too ridiculous. I will be surprised if it is, though.

Now you can stalk me.

i'm afraid i don't know where mine went, and it seems to be unavailable in arizona. at least, i haven't seen it here. perhaps (once your letter is posted on the ravers page) some kind-hearted texan deuceofclubs reader will send some. if they do, i'll pass it along

Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999
From: Aussie
Subject: Bingo

Halfway thru reading about Stripper Bingo, it occured to me that perhaps you had provided the key to the mysterious name of rock band Titty Bingo (most popular band bumpersticker in Texas, bar none).

Hope this finds you well and kickin' ass.

Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999
From: Joseph
Subject: Random Question

I just wanted to say that I really dig your site. It's provided me with hours of good readin' as well as much needed distraction from the drudgery of my boring job.

Subject: Slim Whitman
Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999

Slim and I thank you for your Una Paloma Blanca singing contest. I will do a mention in our next newsletter.

Thanks again!

From: john gibel
Subject: Satanic Cough Syrup and its social reprecussions: The MOVIE
Date: Sun, 27 Jun 1999

I made a fantastic film about cough syrup abuse and demon possesion last year. Saw your page on the Satanic cough syrup and though, man this guy would love my movie. I want to get a copy to you.

cool. here's how.

Date: Sat, 26 Jun 1999
From: Wrong-Way Jones
Subject: psyche

remember this:
"ring, ring -- hello, cheese? -- no! cheese can't dial a phone!"
-- the state

no, but if you hum a few bars, I'LL TRY AND FAKE IT!

remember, "if you hum a few bars, i'll try and fake it"?

no, but if you hum a few bars ...

Date: Sat, 26 Jun 1999
From: Wrong-Way Jones
Subject: i'm humming a few bars of "ring ring hello cheese"

all right, that's officially song #2 by molly's and my hypothetical future band: "if you hum a few bars i'll try and fake it."

it will become a popular pub song in ireland

Date: Sat, 26 Jun 1999
From: Wrong-Way Jones

that's pretty much all i want for a legacy.

i think it'll have the chorus "mush a ring dum a doo dum a da, whack for my daddy-o." oh wait... no... that's stupid.

first of all, i'm sad there's only 52 days left in the world. but the infallible criswell must necessarily be correct. if we can judge from his screen career, though, once the world ends we can probably fill in for another century or so with stock footage.

also, your item is old news, dude! you got that box like a month ago, didn't you? but that's ok, you're a busy man. if you send me a xerox of the xerox of kyle mclachlan's yearbook page i'll send you something of equal or lesser value.

man, i'm real bummed that i can't go to the booth. i'm being counseled to tell my parents to do something uncomfortable and physically impossible and go anyway, but i'm being couseled that by a guy whose dealings with his own parents landed him in a mental hospital for a few years, so i'm thinking i won't trust him on this one.

probably a good reason not to follow his advice

anyway they pay my tuition.

probably another good reason not to follow his advice

BUT molly's parents' offer on the tomato farm got accepted, so when i say WHEN (not if) we get our pasty northern asses to your fair part of the country, we'll probably hit phoenix and look your unlisted ass up. (the following sentence contains two examples of either metonymy or synechdoche i can never remember which. it's the way one of the english teachers at school illustrates it: he heard one guy tell another "i was just telephoning your late ass!" however just because it has a fancy name does not really give me an excuse to use the word ass twice in one sentence.)

it's still too hot up here.

i went bicycling in arizona today!

Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999
From: cliff davis
Subject: upcoming mojave phone booth visit

the thing about crosspins is, there's a few different kinds. the distributor i got for whipit had a multileaf tension pin. not as strong as a heavy-duty tension pin, which in turn is not nearly as strong as a solid steel, hardened roll pin.

the new distributor now has a solid steel, hardened roll pin, loctited and swaged in place. mofo will *not* break. i also photo'd the machine work so's you can sing my praises online (you know, the whipit! messiah, that's me).

i'll see ya at the booth. looks like i'm coming up on the first (real early), spending the night, and coming home the 2nd. trixie is staying in l.a.

try to get some astrocam engines. i have a few but more is better! more! more! more!

Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999
From: Jessica W
Subject: Libertarian news

I forwarded the Asset Forfeiture posting to the SFRaves list - it seemed pertinent, as a few people have lost their cars after "um, a friend borrowed it to make a run and got busted," and I got a wildly paranoid response from someone for whom I had until recently had a modicum of respect.

The guy said he was present at some massacres that were directed by Libertarian poobahs,

oh, dang. now the cat's outta the bag. expect a lengthy prison sentence for me & my pals.

that the Mafia was a much broader, stronger, more deeply infiltrating power than I might ever believe, etc. That I should email him privately and he'd give me the details. Okely dokely...


Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999
From: M. Kuhn

God, I've spent hours touring your website in quest of info about art cars. I was entralled and entertained by your Road Trip narrative and photos. Thank you, and keep up the monologue.

Date: Tue, 22 Jun 1999
From: Red James
Subject: Bombay Beach

I found your site after doing a search for 'Bombay Beach'....

Frankly I can't be bothered to go through all of the stuff right now and I'd like it very much if you could tell me, in twenty words or less:

who you are.

i'm "that guy ... with the thing" (which is what people often say when they spot me with wagner)

It might also be useful if you could tell me what your 'relationship' is with Bombay Beach.

"relationship" ... hmm, i'm not so good with relationships. i will characterize it as "interested onlooker"

You see I went there last week and have been plagued with dreams about it ever since. Don't get me wrong, I'm no 'loon', just English, eccentric...


Red James (girl) x

Date: Mon, 21 Jun 1999
From: barbara traub

Hey Deuce,

There's lots of Wagner action this summer in SF. The Ring Cycle is being presented at the Opera House, Herzog was at the Goethe Institute narrating a doc he did behind the scenes at Bayreuth, and Syberberg's 4+ hour film version of Parsifal was screened.

Date: 21 Jun 99
Subject: contact Kenny Irwin
From: jada

this is Danielle Lemaire,an artist from the Netherlands. I have seen with pleasure your site about Kenny Irwin ! I didn't know his artworks,except for one sculpture that I saw at the house of his famous grandmother Lucia Pamela, where I visited last year. I'm a great admirer of Lucia Pamela and dedicated my record 'Darling' to her in 1998 and more..

I have a story about my meeting with her,in California,october 1998 at my homepage. At this site I also present my art(paintings,sculptures,exhibitions, music etc.) (this is NO spamming!)

It would be nice for me to get in contact with Kenny, as a collegue and as a friend of his grandmother !

Do you know if it's possible to email him?
Or maybe you can give him my homepage address?

I hope to hear from you,

greetings from the Netherlands
Danielle Lemaire

greetings from the sonora desert

funny coincidence -- i just sent him e-mail the same day your e-mail arrived -- and my e-mail to him bounced. so i'm afraid i don't know how to contact him just now. but i know someone who might be able to. i will check for you.

p.s. -- a netherlander band won my slim whitman ("una paloma blanca") contest at the beginning of this year

Date: Mon, 21 Jun 1999
From: Mark
Subject: San Francisco

Hey, when does Criswell predict SF will go down?

Dear Sir:

We regret to inform you that San Francisco, California was destroyed by the strongest earthquake in U.S. history on April 7, 1975. We do hope you were nowhere in the vicinity at the time.

Also, Fidel Castro was assassinated by a woman on August 9th, 1970. We join in mourning your loss.

Your friends at Criswell Crisis Prediction Center for Crisises. Crises. Kee-rist.

From: Casstine
Date: Sun, 20 Jun 1999
Subject: au go-go

Love dem "Whip-it" go-go boots! I'd dance in a cage wearing those any day.


Date: Sun, 20 Jun 1999
From: Bethany
Subject: GimmeGimmeGimme

Hello DeuceSweets,

The rain here bites. I can't wait to get to the desert and be all toasty warm again. Do you have cold toes when it rains or is it just me?

i don't know. it doesn't rain here

Met with a few cohorts last week to begin our lame plans for BM this year..... lame because we can't afford a keen theme camp in either time or funding. I'll simply have to make do with crashing cool camps like yours and attemping to be vicariously esoteric. What do you want me to bring to you?

hmmm. i will have to think upon this. yesssss ...

More interesting news... I've been having a recurrent dream that my shoulders are tattooed. I've been trying to sketch out the pattern to see if it's anything I'd ever want to see in my waking hours but I can never remember exactly what it looks like. I've never considered tattooing myself before (well, maybe a deuce of clubs on the inner thigh, but I realized Wagner might disapprove),

oh, my, no, not at all! (any advertising is good advertising, figures wag)

and it's rather intriguing to think about it. I figure if I can decide upon the pattern, I'll give it a year to see if the idea holds. If I remember correctly, you are also a non-tattooed entity, have you ever seriously considered the process? What and where would you have tattooed on you?

funny you should mention it, the other night i was at a dairy queen next to a tattoo parlor, trying to talk someone into another tattoo, & i was wondering whether i'd ever do it. i doubt it. i can't think of anything i'd want to live with forever -- except, i mentioned, the deuce of clubs. but it'd still have to be somewhere i couldn't see it, or i'd get sick of looking at it

I could ramble on more but I'm sleepy now.

me, too! just got back from el vez, and then grocery shopping. it's very late / early. zzzzzzzzzzz

Write back soon, how the hell are you anyways, it's been a long time since you've written. Getting the mass-email DoC newsletters simply isn't enough, I want more of you, Deuce. Gimme gimme gimme.

sweet dreams,

then how about calling me live via telephone on the 1st-2nd july? (760) 733-9969

better yet, come on down to the mojave

From: Hypnagogue
Date: Sun, 20 Jun 1999
Subject: Young Guns Havin' Some Fun

H and I just got back from La Jolla/San Diego, where we celebrated our 7th (!) anniversary. Quite lovely. I guess we'd better get our fun in while we can if the world's going to end this August. At least it's a few days after H's birthday, so he'll still get his prezzies. Hey -- I just realized, that means I won't have to turn 30 this September! Whoopee!

BUT -- if the world were *really* going to end, wouldn't all the lifelines on our palms stop at the same point? In fact, wouldn't babies born this year have *blank palms*? Check yer local infants, I tell ya!

From: The Wanderer
Subject: The freedom Project, Comments.
Date: Sun, 20 Jun 1999

Mr Deuce:

I was very impressed by the effort you went through to send out your questions and the time and effort it must of taken to convert all of the responses into something that people can view and comment on.

The formatting was very clean and easy to follow, and the information was well displayed. I just wanted to thank you for bringing this experiment into light, and let you know that I found it very interesting and eye-opening.

Date: Thu, 17 Jun 1999
From: Vickie Holliman
Subject: Entertaining

Chere Herr Gottfried:

I just wanted to remark that you have one of the most entertaining sites I have ever had the fortune to encounter. I got to it from the artcars site and it has kept me entertained many lonely nights whilst I was at work.

xlnt! eat up those billable hours -- that's what i'm here for

I have seen that Spanish show which my father calls "the Duck show" [El Gran Juego de la Oca] but I haven't seen it in years. I often find myself surfing the Spanish channels looking for it, but alas it has eluded me!

yeah, i think it got canceled a year or two ago. so sad

I have found myself chuckling at your adventures and what trouble you make....and have found myself wishing I knew you. :)

well, the web's the next best thing. unless you want to meet us at the mojave phone booth on july 1st.

I know you are not fond of Texas, but I won't hold that against you.

texas is fine. i just get tired of driving the entire breadth of it

Amy Grant is from Texas also......

i didn't know that. i thought she was from virginia or louisiana or something. IT COULD ALL HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT!

And why are those religious fundamentalists out to get you? Your site seemed harmless to me!

Thank you for keeping me entertained and keep the great work posted!

Your humble fan,

muchas dankes, vickie. keep me posted on texas, or something

From: Shawn McBride
Subject: Whip It, and Mojave
Date: Tue, 15 Jun 1999

I'm coming on the need for summer vacation ideas.

I've never been pleased with theme parks, or time with the family. Do you need someone to move Whip It back to home port?

Depending on where it is, I'd either fly or bus, with my Pop. He does a lot of stuff with older cars.
Then just limp it to AZ.
(Taking along LOTS of water, assuming it's still in CA)

well, see, it's not really driveable as is. the current plan is for me to go up to san jose after the july 1 booth visit, taking with me master mechanic evil dr. cliff, and then try & drive her back to az. i thought maybe you were thinking of hauling it somehow. so i think we'll just have to stick with that plan, but the offer is much appreciated. very kind of you!

Date: Tue, 15 Jun 1999
From: babs
Subject: booty time

Oui! Les bottes semblent fabuleuses. I think you should make them into super platform shoes. like 12 inchers. that would be fab.

ATM card inside eh? I imagine that's a lot better then some of the other things I have lurking in the back of my closet. yes, i can think of far worse things that i could've accidentally left in there.

From: Tangerine
Date: Mon, 14 Jun 1999
Subject: go go go boots

okay why did you have to tell me about mites after I decided I love those pillows?

so what should I do? I sprayed them w/lysol and other sanitizing, good-smelling stuff. I guess there are mites in every pillow. What about the buckwheat pillows?

I am having a Howard moment!

Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1999
From: Jessica W
Subject: Re: silliness


So you're rescuing Whip It! Hooray! Every time I see a glorious old boat-of-a-car I think how awful it must be to have parted with her. You can restore her, I'm sure there are machinists out there who would happily help out.

Let us know what your plans are as the moment draws nearer - mass drinks/dinner in San Jose (or somewhere more fun) are in order!


From: Degree Confluence Project
Subject: Arizona confluences
Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1999 10:37:18 -0400

You are approaching confluence Godhood, Mr. D. Excellent work. My congratulations must go to Wagner as well, for they are long journeys for the dead.

From: Sadtomato
Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999
Subject: hi

I'm a friend of Daniel Paul's and a low-fi art buff. I stumbled over your site independent of him and was surprised to find he was a pal of yours.

I was even more surprised to find out that Bettie R., my friend at the L.A. Weekly knew you while she lived in Tempe, AZ. She says Hi. But she still won't take a picture of Hugh Hefner with Wagner. Sorry.

hefner? screw hefner! i was looking for flynt!

This weekend I'm going out to Tuscon, through Bisby, then into Douglas to visit an artist, Frank Bruno, who lives in his dead mother's hotel out there. Apparently, he knows all the weirdos in AZ. Naturally, I thought you might know each other. :)

you'll find bruno (and daniel) here

Are you anywhere near Douglas or Tuscon, and can you recommend any interesting places around there?

in douglas, definitely take a look inside the gadsden hotel. they filmed part of _the life & times of judge roy bean_ in there. it's interesting. bisbee's fun to just wander around in. two weeks ago a friend & i climbed to the "B" on the hill. if you have time, it's a nice climb -- & on the next mt over, there's an interesting memorial. tombstone's nearby, and that's hilarious, if you enjoy tourist hokum. and if you do, don't miss "The Thing"!! Also, there's the Shady Dell.

Bettie told me about a haunted hotel in Bisby that she stayed at once.

yeah, that's the copper queen, i believe

I'm bringing my camera and a bust of Martha Washington's bust.

take care and feed that whole in Wagner's head,

From: NATE
Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1999
Subject: sixsixsix

I just wanted to drop you a line telling you I liked your article on the '666" cough syrup. Funny thing is that I've also seen a "666" product (the cold tablets), and I was thnking of putting up a page about it also (even went so far as scanning in the package). Well, there's no need to now.

It was nice to see your dialog with their phone rep. Somehow, I knew that their use of the name didn't hold any irony, and your your article confirmed it. I hope they *don't* change the name.

Anyway, nice article.

muchas dankes. i don't think they'll change the name. in fact, they redesigned the package. but they did de-emphasize the connotation by spacing the sixes far apart and making them very small

Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1999
From: Ricardo Hoegg
Subject: plizd ta mitch-a

Hola, Godfri, ¿como estas?

Estoy muy bien, gracias!

Me gusta mucho tu website y todas tus locuras.

muchas gracias. well, one man's craziness is another man's sanity.

Yo vivo en Baltimore, pero hace anios vivia en Austin, Texas. Tu carro, "Whipit", es conocido por aqui por algunos aficionados de los arti-moviles. Pero yo no tengo un artimovil. :(

never too late to start. i saw your art on the web -- maybe you might think of painting on a car sometime, no?

Date: Sat, 29 May 1999
From: Lazlo Nibble
Subject: Re:

When you see the Tums E-X packaging out of the corner of your eye it looks like TUMSEX. And you don't even need Photoshop.

From: Shawn
Date: Tue, 25 May 1999

OK... You've got some radical ideas, and I dig those. However, your comment on Taco Bell was WAY out of line. I used to work for them (First Job when I was 17 awwwwww...Get em young, Jade em early). I've seen how the stuff is made, and I still eat there. If that isn't an incredible recommendation, I don't know what is.

From: Tim
Subject: The Shaggs
Date: Mon, 24 May 1999

I was just on CDNOW this morning replacing my Devo Greatest Hits album that my brother and his friends destroyed last week, and thought I'd tack on a few other items, beginning with The Essential Perrey and Kingsley (which I highly recommend, btw). I decided to do some recommendation-searching off of that album, and about twenty or so pages later I wound up with a CDNOW recommendation of The Shaggs' The Shaggs. With audio clips. I was utterly dumbfounded. It's actually quite charming. The Wiggin Sisters. It actually supercedes the whole concept of music. It is anti-music.

On a lark later today, I decided to check out your CD recommendation pages. Lo and behold, right under Whipped Cream, is The Shaggs! Damn, Deuce, have you left any oddly shaped stone untouched? Remarkable. Really quite remarkable!

From: Max Bruce
Date: Thu, 20 May 1999
Subject: not spam

Dearest Doc:

You are my hero. Did you ever know that? Did you know that some say love, it is a river?

You make big funny and you and your cardhouse compats are about the only thing I find regularly entertaining on the web. The other "funny" sites (e.g.: smug, finger, simpleton, cnn, etc.) are mere pretenders to your throne of mirth. Although, rules too.... anyway, I digest.

Hey! I SAID, "HEY!" Look what they're selling at the Robinson's May! Get it while it's hot! Or at least body temperature.

BTW, I love yer muzik piks: prime audio weirdness. May I also suggest the album "Come from Heaven" by Alpha and the two "Big Noise" collections for wonderful eclectica.

Cheers, big ears.

Max Bruce, the most drinkin'est gal you know

From: Jessamyn
Subject: oobi doobi doo
Date: Wed, 19 May 1999

is THIS your card?

the mojave phone booth story has got to be one of my favorite all-web stories of all time, right up there with the guy who got the squintillion dollar check cashed at the bank and tried to give it back.

try this book, my librarian pals think it may have what you need:

Forgotten Fads and Fabulous Flops by Paul Kirschner

it's by Rhino.


oobi oobi is a sacred mountain in Australia.

Date: Wed, 19 May 1999
From: Kerry
Subject: The great game of the goose


My name is Kerry and I used to work for the Spanish language network Telemundo. I worked there for 2 1/2 years as an engineer. You put out a call for info about the show El Gran Juego de la Oca and I would like to help.

I am not a very good writer so I will list everything I can remember about the show as bulleted points. Please excuse misspellings and grammatical errors.

  • The show originated in Spain on the television network Antena Tres and the American edit was three hours long.
  • The object of the game was to be the first to navigate a "Chutes and Ladders" type maze around the sound stage.
  • The contestants pressed a Remote Control which activated a pair of electronic dice. The score on the dice indicated how many spaces that player moved forward.
  • Players had to perform feats of derring-do to advance. These included lots of fire and underwater adventures.
  • On several episodes there was "The Painted Lady"; a topless woman whose torso was painted to make her look dressed. One time she was painted to look like Superman with a big S on her naked chest.
  • Mr. T made several guest appearances.
  • As did an English gentleman who ate lightbulbs.
  • There were dancing Oca Girls much like the Solid Gold Dancers.
  • After Telemundo canceled the show I was able to pick it up on the satellite Morelos 2. I forget what transponder. It sure made working Saturdays much easier.
  • That satellite is used by the Mexican television network TV Azteca.
  • It was a Hell of a lot of fun.
  • de Schmog is/was one of the greatest bands of all time (off subject, but I am  a one man evangelist for this band).

I hope this helps. If I think of any more details or find any of my old tapes I will forward them to you.

Date: Wed, 19 May 1999
From: Andy
Subject: this, that, and a bit of the other

Hey Deuce! First off, I love the site. It's hilarious. I've spent hours wandering through it and I'm still pretty sure I haven't found anything.

Second, if Herr W. ever feels like livin' the geek life for a couple days, I'd be happy to document him doin' the CS rounds here at Georgia Tech. Wagner and a Cray YMP's a match made

keep up the good work!

From: Pixel
Subject: random curiousity about Whip It!
Date: Wed, 19 May 1999

"Greetings Deuce! Hail Wagner!

As another posessor of a non-functional artcar (The Cat, which is horribly out of date and doesn't mention her current condition) I was curious about the state of Whip It.

Mainly I was wondering about her current location and repair status, and if you know what needs to be done to get her back up and mobile.

well, i'm not sure. she's in san jose in lorne covington's yard (may he be thanked profusely). what happens is that she'll run for a while just peachy, then she'll start to lurch, and then the pin that goes through the distributor shaft actually SHEARS OFF. no one seems to know why. mechanics from all over the country have puzzled over this.

Were Whip It now on the other coast I would be glad to offer temporary car storage space an repair work, but sadly Norwich CT is a far trip from California (though my roommate recently made that trip, by train, not artcar). *sigh* oh well.

My current driver is 'The Purple Dragon', which is niether a dragon, nor purple. She's a ex-cop car Crown Vic (It's got a cop motor, a 4.6L plant, cop tires, cop suspension...)

hope it doesn't crash into a mall!

which will become an 'permanently impermanent' artcar once I can find a source for removeable paint.

have you seen this yet? harry & penny have tried temporary paint several times, with good results

And I am even at this point trying to figure out how I can tow The Cat behind The Purple Dragon so I can bring both my artcars places. Not that you care, but your found out anyway. Why? Because it's 5:18am and I've been up for a vast multitude of time, and eaten a lot of candy during said time.

mmmm. candy. candy is good food.

Anyway, love your page, love, am hoping that Whip It becomes mobile once again."

Pixel (who has tried to figure out how to get a non-functional biscayne to CT)

many thanks!

Date: Tue, 18 May 1999
From: Miguel Lozano


Leí en tu sitio que alguien busca la letra en Español de UPB así que aquí está.

La maestra de Inglés puede ir a la dirección para letras de otras canciones en Español.

Cambia la letra después del guión por la letra con la que comience el título de la canción buscada.

Espero sea de utilidad la información.



Quiero contarte de algún modo
lo que en la playa me pasó.
Era muy blanca, era muy bella
y sobre mi hombro se posó.
Una bandada de palomas
volaban juntas bajo el Sol.
Viajaban juntas y una de ellas
vino a mi lado y se quedó.
Una paloma blanca
a los ojos me miró.
Una paloma blanca
al verme triste lloró
porque me marché
muy lejos de tí.

Si todavía sientes niña
aquel amor que te juré.
Busca en el cielo y la paloma
te contará lo que lloré.
Una paloma blanca
a los ojos me miró.
Una paloma blanca
al verme triste lloró
porque me marché
muy lejos de tí.
Porque me marché
muy lejos de tí.

Una bandada de palomas,
hallé en la playa bajo el Sol.
Volaban juntas y una de ellas
lleva el mensaje del amor.
Una paloma blanca
a los ojos me miró.
Una paloma blanca
al verme triste lloró
porque me marché
muy lejos de tí.

hola! y muchas gracias, amigo!

i'll pass along the information to the teacher.

From: mark simple
Subject: clumpin' litter
Date: Mon, 17 May 1999

Oh my.

What are the chances my friend?


i could try to devise some way to get her back here. but she doesn't seem to want me to do that, do she?

She's a hard woman to please.

I think you know she's had enough chances. If she REALLY loved you she'd just come home by herself at this point. I guess the label is the best she can do under the circumstances.

She OWES you, man! Don't let her treat you like that!

There are TONS of other chicks out there...

But it's hard to let go of a woman that is a babe magnet, I understand.

Perhaps if you devoted a web page to engage in the serious discussion of what the hell could be wrong with it. Unless you count the whip-it reply area. I don't know, my friend.

that's an excellent idea, amigo. i believe i'll do that!

Date: Tue, 11 May 1999
From: Gail

I've been listening to X-n radio and ironing my clothes out in the laundry room for the past hour and heard some great crap. First a pastor was lamenting the lack of salsa with the manna for the children of Israel who wandeing in the desert. Then he proclaims that God does not want us to have enough things to sustain our livelihood but he wants us to have more than enough, but in order to have more then enough we need to give more than we can afford right now. He tells us that we need to "Attack our Lack" with giving to God's ministries. Then he broke into a story about a Chilean pastor whom he had recently visited. The Chilean pastor was given a beautiful Rolex by a parishiner but God told hi to sell it. He did sell it and bought a big clumsy crappy steel watch at a pawn shop and gave the rest to the church. Well, later that weeek the pastor was attacked by Chilean drug cartel gunmen who opened fire on his car. The first bullet went through his chest, missing any vital organs, the second one went through his neck, missing his throat and all major arteries, the third bullet had gone straight to his heart... but, because of the first shot to the chest the pastor placed his arm over his chest and when that bullet came screaming at his heart it ricoched off that clumsy steel watch and saved his life (can you hear the audience gasping?). There's a lesson in there somewhere.

Then, on the following show a horrible dude gets on and starts stumbling until he works up into a rambling stereotypical rant about "all these thing shall be added unto you: blah blah blah. He is awkward and trying to syncopate his rant to sound like a good evangelist. A caller calls in and explains that she needs some prayer... the pastor interrupts her and asks her if her problem is "... do you have problems with asthma... uh... uhh... arthrit... uh.. uh... in your hands, your fingers are stiff... are you arthritic?" To which the confused caller informs him that she needs a job. He then does a big-winded prayer asking Jesus to heal her mind.

The next caller wants a prayer for her teeth because she says they are causing her pain, her teeth are loose and her gums are rotten. The pastor asks her if she's seen a dentist and she says no that she's trusting in Jesus. The pastor informs her that Jesus works through doctors and dentists too. She says yes, but that they are for the weaker ones, not for people that have as much faith in the lord as she does.

Can I hear an AMEN?

geez, that's a slice o life.
from what planet, i could not say


Some friends of mine and I were all talking the other day about "Arcosanti". Arcosanti is a sort of futuristic community/city experiment North of Phoenix, where they have weird, futuristic, multi-dimensional buildings and live ecologically and frugally.

Well, to jump start the day, I looked up the WWW site:

Well, it's everything I expected. Cool pictures, explanations, current events, so and so.

Then I found the "Glossary". In the "glossary" there is a term, "Second Coming".

I invite any of you to look it up :

If any of you can figure out what it's talking about, please feel free to fill me in. I can't decide whether this sounds like "Heaven's Gate" or someone's new corporate business plan.

having worked for mr. soleri myself, i understand this gibberish all too well. it's mostly stolen from that goofy priest pere teilhard de chardin.

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