From: mineurcanal
Date: Fri, 1 Mar 2002
Subject: you know...

what the world doesn't have enough of?

dunno. but it can't be people.

calliope music.

could NOT agree more.

what does a body have to do to acquire some good calliope music? the closest i've gotten is an lp soundtrack to the 70's horror flick "rollercoaster."

you could do worse than anton lavey's ersatz (that's synthesizer to you) calliope music.

i saw that. it's actually what made me think of it. i mean i even emailed trent reznor and told him how disappointed i am that i can't simply go into the "circus" section of a music store. do i ask too much?

of trent reznor, perhaps.

i do have calliope lps ... but they're all in storage at the moment.

what have you got?

any circus/calliope lp i ever ran across in a thrift store.

From: Susie M.
Subject: news from Show Low
Date: Mon, 25 Feb 2002

As of February 20, there's a new independent paper in town: The Maverick. Cover stories involve an axe-handle-wielding weirdo who claimed alternately to be the Devil and the Son of God having a face-off with the local law, as well as news that Show Low may suffer less than a half million financial loss on the plane they purchased to give us service to the Valley (but apparently didn't perform any oversight to a mostly-taxpayer-supported company that was flying the plane). We now have another company running the local airport. The City Council, seemingly unaware that nearly every voter wants nearly very one of them gone, plan to run for re-election.

There's a new minimall across from McDonald's. The appliance repair store at the conjunction of the Deuce and White Mtn. Blvd. is now a Domino's Pizza, and a Pizza Hut was just built across from the old Wal-Mart Plaza. On the other hand, K-Mart is filing for bankruptcy. If the local K-Mart closes, we'll have to drive to the Valley to buy toilet seats.

A Sign of the Times ...
A nine-year-old stands in front of Show Low Primary School wearing a sandwich board: "Honk to Remind Me - Suspended 3 Days for Assault". His parents did it after he had been suspended seven times this year for assault (including a teacher).

Susie
Vernon, Arizona (where there's a four-foot hunk of elk lying next to our driveway, and the dog was seen running through the yard with a leg in his mouth)

From: c punk e
Subject: Re: u. g. g.
Date: Mon, 25 Feb 2002

i found my ugg coloring book last night... and for some reason i couldn't stop singing the theme song to "salute your shorts" (nickelodeon show circa early 90's). there's one episode where the counselor (ugg) gets his name, and his last name is lee... the kids start going "ugg, LEE! ugg LEE! UGLEE!!!" they should have put their hands over their mouths.

From: Scott Y.
Subject: Ann Magnuson
Date: Sat, 23 Feb 2002

(just a note from an Ann Fan)

I loved your comment about emails regarding Ann Magnuson!! Gave me a good laugh, and I totally agree. If you have to ask, dont! Listening to Bongwater (The Big Sell-Out) right now and was doing a search on Ann and came across your info. Thanks for the chuckle.

de nada. coincidentally, i was just watching a tape of a past episode of buffy the vampire slayer & noticed that xander has a flat of the luv show posted inside his locker door.

these things are somehow *important*

From: Multi
Subject: How I came across farrahs brain ;)
Date: Tue, 12 Feb 2002

Hi Deuce.

OK I admit it, the subject was a feeble attempt at innuendo. If you're interested. How I *found* the page: From Metafilter >> The Fence (Hung around there a while) >> back to Metafilter >> The phone booth >> Burning man >> Bicycle >> Here.. Or something like that. (I'm not going to cut & paste Site Adresses (Too lazy) & you don't want to know anyway, or you'll find them :)

A day off. Nothing better to do. Of the 8 or so Hours, my 'puter tells me I've been online. (OK. I've ate, popped to the shop, been for a piss, made cuppas etc. In between) I've spent 3 of those roaming your webpresence. Thanks for putting the site(s) up. (I still don't know what an 'art car' is yet. I'm saving that one for another time) & all this stuff is a few year out of date... I've got a bit of catching up to do yet. Thanks again.

you're welcome. but next time, spend those three hours at d.o.c. while you're at work. wouldn't you rather be wasting someone else's time?

LOL... I didn't consider the time on your site(s)) wasted... & If you can let me know how I can surf whilst loading/Unloading trucks PLEASE let me know :)

Date: Sat, 09 Feb 2002
From: andria in new mexico
Subject: Re: aqui esta

Yer so weird.

I think it looks like Mr. Magoo.

Date: Sat, 9 Feb 2002
From: Julie D.
Subject: Pop Lofinck

Hello fellow desert rat,

I was so excited to find your info on Seldom Seen Slim and Pop Lofinck. When I was a little kid we lived at China Lake Naval Ordinance Test Station and a bunch of young families took a caravan of jeeps out to Wild Horse Mesa and the Petroglyphs. Lunch was a stopover at Pop's ranch. It was really cold and there were icicles on Pop's water tower thing. I thought these two-foot popcicles were too cool for words. Pop told us all about Slim and other characters. His love for the desert was infectious.

you've been fortunate. i would love to have had the chance to meet lofinck.

To this day, I find nothing as beautiful as a crisp desert morning in winter.

i know what you mean. i don't think i could live out of sight of saguaro.

Thank you for being there!!!

From: laurel
Date: Fri, 8 Feb 2002
Subject: i saw...

... a biscayne on the freeway today. i thought telling you might positively alter the outlook of your day.

i read this about an hour ago and thought about putting it on the home page, once the sprint rant's been up for a bit:

"The fact that we owned a Chevrolet Bel Air, which in the early sixties was one painful step below the top-of-the-line Impala and one deeply relieved step above the bare-boned generic Biscayne, signified more than the ludicrously insignificant threefold variations in exterior chrome trim."

From: Laurie M.
Date: Thu, 7 Feb 2002

I cant even express my admiration. Its impossible. Humbling. inspiring. deuceofclubs.com is on the top of my favorites and always in my cache.

"you were always in my cache" -- sounds like the makings of a willie nelson song. thanks for the kind words.

heres mine. compared to deuceofclubs its a speck. A grain of sand. A tea stain. but it will grow its only been a little over a year in the making. I plan to write my next story about how I found deuce of clubs by accident lost it and found it again 3 years later. And in the 3 year interim I fell in love with the Sonoran desert.

[you people who want to "trade links" -- see what you have to do to get a link around here?]

Date: Sun, 03 Feb 2002
From: Forrest P.

Doc of Deuces,

Just read the Wagner on Space Ghost -- actually To Catch a Thief was the Cary Grant, Grace Kelly movie. I think the [Robert] Wagner TV series really was It Takes a Thief (not to be confused with the lesser known "T.H.E. Cat").

dang. you're the first to catch that. and a good catch it is

And after looking at the site, I have to wonder how much caffeine you consume in a day.

and i have to wonder how much tv you watch

From: Susie M.
Subject: "A Friend in Need"
Date: Thu, 24 Jan 2002

On December 2 you had a post from Byron971 who reported finding, in1978 in Italy, a ceramic sculpture of "A Friend in Need." That title was the most popular of a series of endearing "poker-playing dogs" paintings done by Cassius Coolidge for Brown & Bigelow calendars, beginning in 1906. They are collectors' items.

Susie from near Show Low, loafing in Tucson this week

From: Lou Minatti
Date: 1/22/02

oATMAN IS WHERE THE GOATBOSS LIVES.

i'd believe it if you said the muleboss lives there. not that i don't believe you about the goatboss. or satan. or mendes. or sergio mendes, even.

From: [NASA space guy]
Subject: Great Site
Date: Fri, 18 Jan 2002

Thanks for a bit of lunchtime enjoyment.

you're welcome. er, i hope you didn't mean launchtime...

Cute, real cute.

i imagine maybe an average of 34.429 x per day someone walking out the door at nasa says, "okay, i'm going to launch now."

or maybe not. my brain didn't send anyone into space.

BTW, the Space and Rocket Center (a local museum) has an outdoor food stand called "The Launch Pad"

i guess i share a sense of humor with food stand operators. now i can see my future...

I warn McDonalds to look for your resume.

So you enjoy Burning Man, ever been hashing? (it's a drinking club with a running problem)

i did a web search on hashing and the first thing that came up was "Hashing is an exhilaratingly fun combination of running, orienteering, and partying. For drinkers with a running problem!"

look who's using old material, NOW, nasa space man. j'accuse!

[just call me e-mail zola.]

Date: Thu, 17 Jan 2002
From: Juan M.

hiya doc

I trust all is going well w/ you -- my best to you and thank you for passing on my regards to the statue, although I really should stop addressing inanimate objects. Bad habit.

i've got no room to give, or give assent to, advice on that point

That mountain monograms essay was tremendous fun, and engrossing. Thanks again for all the amazing stuff you've set up on your site.

thanks for the kind words (another reason having a website is fun)

From: c punk e
Date: Wed, 16 Jan 2002

hi there doc,

o_O i can't believe ugg has a t-shirt. which makes me think of that show salute your shorts on nickelodeon... there was a guy on there named UGG. man that was a great show. and... there is a bust of wagner in the college library here i'm going to steal.

if you need a fence, you know who to call.

From: Felicia
Date: Mon, 14 Jan 2002

Merry New Year!

Good luck with the house selling. I took the tour of your house on the site and I must say, it's beautiful. If I were moving to Tempe, I'd buy it myself.

move to tempe! buy it! cash money! today!

i mean, what's in texas, anyway? mosquitoes?

I repel mosquitoes naturally,

so do i. i get bitten only if there's no one else around. i guess that will be a problem at the new place, unless i always bring along a human sacrifice, duped with promises of a bbq cookout

but the chilly weather has driven them out of town. I don't really repel them naturally but wouldn't that be a cool super power?

i guess it's the only superpower i have, unless you count driving people crazy

From: laurel
Subject: ?
Date: Sat, 12 Jan 2002

um...........i was wondering...........would you mind giving me wagner's weight and measurements? it's for research purposes only i assure you....i'm not that kind of girl.......

1. shoulder to bottom

about eight inches
(by "bottom," i'm hoping you mean "base." or else you're being really base.)

2. diameter of bottom

maybe 3 & 5/8"
(re: "bottom," see above)

and if you talk to him about it, just tell him that some kooky girl from the internet could potentially offer him a more luxurious lifestyle.

wagner is wary of kooky internet girls

does he play any sports?

wagner plays with heads

From: CJ
Subject: I'll be gone in a minnit
Date: Fri, 11 Jan 2002

OK, I don't have anything to do at work today, and I found your website, and I'm crawling all over it. Calm down, ignore me, I'll be gone in a minnit.

take your time, stay all day. wasting work time is what we do best.

On the "666" thing, go to http://tess.uspto.gov/ and you can see their claim for "666" as a trademark (first used 1901 but not filed for TM until 1997). And you can see what they claim it's good for, including Bright's disease, which is end-stage renal failure, which is the "you were just leaving--forever" of kidney diseases. They were utter quacks if they said anything could do for people with Bright's.

But see for yourself. It's a hoot.

Date: Tue, 8 Jan 2002
From: M G
Subject: Stereo Total

Hi,

Check out Stereo Total. I know that you haven't yet because if you had it would have been on your web page a long time ago.

you're probably right, cos that's some good stuff.

You got me into April March, Ute Lemper, Ann Magnuson (and by extension Bongwater), and Land of the Loops.
I thought that I should try to return the favor somehow. Are you into the Monks? If not, I think that they would be right up your alley.

indeed they are. i have a monks page that i just haven't gotten around to uploading to the cd reviews yet. but i will.

(you are talking about the monks from the sixties, i assume. there was a late seventies band called the monks, who did the fabulous "nice legs, shame about 'er face.")

Yeah, I meant the 60s Monks. I never heard of the seventies band but through the magic of napster clones I downloaded "Nice Legs..." and you're right. It's damned fabulous.

From: Shannon P.
Subject: Second Coming
Date: Tue, 8 Jan 2002

Oddly, someone told me about the "Buzzard Tree' years ago, and I live in PA. I'll have to ask my friends who saw it.

Subject: Re: da glass
Date: January 2, 2002
From: Swandog

Doc. Got your envelope, but the glass didn't make it. It punched through and is gone.

well, that's a first. lo siento. i guess "hand cancel" doesn't cover it in these days of postal hyperparanoia. okay, i'm sending another in a thicker envelope (manufactured under license by the post office itself), with "PLEASE HAND CANCEL ONLY" written in thick, black sharpie. i sent a flatter piece this time, wrapped in a paper towel and enclosed in a ziplocked plastic bag. i hope it doesn't end up, as the last one probably did, being analyzed in some lab by a crack team of fbi anti-terrorist idiots.

Date: January 7, 2002
From: Swandog

Glass arrived today. It is perfect. Thanks.
If you ever need something from Vegas give me a call.
Happy Trails,
Swandog

From: Rob S.
Date: Sat, 5 Jan 2002

I spent my entire Saturday evening reading your website. Best evening i've had in a long time.

that's great, but save some of that web-reading for work time -- no one here wants to cut into your real life

I have a rust-free green '75 Volvo wagon begging for some sort of something. It blew up in October though. Thanks for the enjoyable reading!

de nada. that's what we're here for

From: Cardhouse Robot
Date: Sat, 05 Jan 2002

wow, didn't know there was a book about it. this is the guy that was going to flip manhattan around, right? it's gotta be.

it do not gotta be. it ain't. i would hate to summarize this one; you really would like reading it, i think. your local library is bound (heh, bound, arf) to have a copy.

Date: Sat, 5 Jan 2002
From: Ike
Subject: Tombstone Info

Hi, I was wondering if you could help me. I have searched the internet high and low for an online script for the movie Tombstone but I can't find one. The reason I want it is so I can translate what Doc Holiday and Johnny Ringo are saying to each other in Latin at the Pharoh table into English. The subtitles on the DVD only say "-Speaking Latin-". If you could help me out somehow it would be greatly appreciated.

easily done.

Date: Tue, 1 Jan 2002
From: Rosalie R.
Subject: "Mayor Guilinani is a JERK" sticker

This "Jerk" is an American hero and should be treated as such.
-Rosiecello

a clarification of the obvious:

1. that item was posted in august of 1998, if that makes a difference to you.

2. i did not print the sticker, and my use of it was intended, as is clearly spelled out on the page, to point out as a jerk tempe mayor neil giuliano, not rudy guiliani.

3. i believe sir rudy spells his last name giuliani, not guilinani

4. you must have acquired your understanding of the word hero from time magazine. who did you get to read it to you?

perhaps you will find this giuliani site easier to understand:

best wishes,
doc

From: Prof. P. Khan
Date: Sat, 29 Dec 2001
Subject: Stuckey's

Hey doc:

I've been wondering around your website (ha - get the play on words; "wondering" not "wandering") and enjoying the visit. A few comments:

I've never admitted this but the "Whipped Cream and other Delights" cover girl was one of my first erotic fantasies.

i'll bet i've heard that a hundred times. i'll bet dolores erickson has heard it a few more times than that.

That album came out around 1965 about the same time I was, well, coming of age as a young man. Is that her real name on your site?

yep.

"Whip It" appears to be a 62 or 63 Chevy.

si, correcto. 1962 biscayne.

I drive a '60 Chev El Camino named "El Bombino".

whip it!'s original name (when she belonged to my sister) was "la bamba" (with the accent over the bomb).

Maybe they are cousins, or know each other. I've have to go out to the garage and ask El.

Sadly, I cannot say I've seen "The Thing?" although someday I will make a pilgrammage to it. The only denizens of the desert I've been to are the dinosaurs of Cabazon, Calif.

next time you stop in, be sure to admire the bags of water attached to the ceiling.

I like the interesting juxaposition of old and new caused by the partial fadeout of lettering on the abandoned Stuckey's sign pictured on your site.

picturesque. i'm not sure whether that building is still there, because i almost never drive interstates if i can avoid them

From: mineurcanal
Date: Fri, 28 Dec 2001
Subject: so i'm a recluse,

but an old friend of mine who'd rather be in europe than entertaining me, is coming to visit for two days. and even though i've lived in houston since birth, i still don't know what it has to offer for entertainment. i suppose "shy" is one good word to describe me.

i started searching the internet last night for places to drag this friend (since the last time he arrived on surprise, and we had a weekend-long movie marathon because we were too broke to venture far from home), and came across your art car pages. i've always had a sick fascination with this routine, being a creator myself (with an addiction to corrugated cardboard and black duct tape), but i've never witnessed the event live. i ended up reading your entire 98 documentation, and then some. and with singed retinas, i tell you that i grew up listening to my grandma's herb albert album. it wasn't your creamy favorite, but an original, nonetheless. and just because i listened to it, doesn't mean i like it. i usually don't step outside of "zorba the greek," and "never on a sunday." she still has the album, and i've seen the creamy cd at the music warehouse where i work. um, you don't strike me much as a cd enthusiast.....

is that a fact?

anyway, all i really need in life is a "young einstein" soundtrack, so i can listen to the models' "i hear motion." i've downloaded it (after about 10 years of searching), but that's not the same. the album's not made anymore. who do these people think they are, that can cease producing a yahoo serious music compilation, while simultaneously doubling the production of nsync albums?

yahoo serious? you must be a violinist.

Opera singer

i used to know an opera singer from houston. and a few years back i saw hgo's production of lohengrin, and was it ever for grins. to be just, it was final dress rehearsal, but it had some beautiful moments, such as when the herald going up the steps fell on his (her? i don't know. it was dark.) face, and when the scenery, which was inexplicably taken from magritte, began spontaneously pogo-ing during a love aria. and what was with magritte scenery in wagner, anyway? a dove backdrop instead of a swan? weird. even weirder because i had come directly there from nyc, where i had seen a huge magritte exhibition. anyway. houston. opera. magritte. wagner. kaput.

i'd love to participate in the sacred automobile event (probably more convenient for me than for you), but i don't think it could happen anytime soon.

i wouldn't recommend corrugated cardboard and black duct tape. well, maybe duct tape. but i will tell you what the muses neglected to tell me, which is that a paper-based art car is not the way to go.

my mom's blood pressure approaches boiling if a raindrop strikes any part of her car.....or mine......

whip it! had the same reaction

um, but fantasizically speaking, the first idea that came to me was perhaps a giant egg, with mork and mindy. hmm....rainbow suspenders....

what, you're an agent of syndication?

oh, and if you ever venture to tahoka, texas (28 miles out of lubbock), you'll be delighted to find a "dixie dog" stand, that serves "corndogs" made with pancake batter instead of cornbread (nice crispy edge too, VERY tasty), and large cherry cokes. this is a mandatory stop.......well, in addition to the town's stoplight..........

hot dogs ... brrrrrr

being a classical musician, i'm obliged to tell you that this wagner character is trouble! i REFUSE to support his madness! however..........."leibestodt" rocks........but still! if you see my boy CHOPIN headed your way, you'd better whip out the superglue!

chopin is great, too. but he doesn't have the drama wagner has. (i'm talking about wagner's life, more than his music, btw)

Yes, yes i was speaking of Wagner's life as well. Perhaps it's because I'm a woman. I would love to be a Valkyrie, but I wouldn't want to spend quality time with the man. and my true love, is Puccini..........

google says "mineurcanal" was a suicide. hang in there.

You made a funny! I'd simply die before killing myself! i'm no candidate. mineurcanal was a ghost of new orleans. i'm drawn to paranormal subjects, and i adore new orleans.

...no tsu oh can be fun. if it's still there.

How did you know? it was the one thing i forgot to mention in my email. i think i may have been there. back in 96 i went with a theater group to this old department store building on main street. it was two or three floors up, and there was this lighted starburst sign on the front of the building. once inside, a man decided whether or not you were cool enough to ascend the stairs (one of the members of our group was on the elite guest list).on the first floor, there were cozy couches, records, coffee, and a game room (i tried to bargain with the record owner for a copy of "xanadu," to no avail). upstairs was an old attic of a 60s-looking department store. there were shelves of vintage clothes and shoes, couches, COMPLETE DARKNESS, and an elevator that's reported as being the oldest around. weird music played in the background. a very strange experience overall for a person who doesn't get out much. but i'd love to go back. perhaps the rules have changed? in my searches on the internet, it doesn't seem to harbor any restrictions, and it appeared to have a bit of a makeover.

also, tell me about this marfreless place. i haven't found anything on that yet.

oh yeah! BOY do i have news for you! i just hope i'm the first to pass it on........last night, after reading your items list, i thought about that herb album that you're looking for in movies (included in high fidelity you say). i contemplated the possibility of finding it, and wondered how long it would take, and how many movies a person would have to endure, before finding your gem. i decided i would never attempt it, but hope for the best for another. then when i could no longer stand to stare at words on my monitor, i reclined in my bedroom for a long evening of movie-watching. i watched "cutthroat island," and "mafia," and decided i couldn't take anymore. then they announced "boondock saints" was coming on. a year or so ago, i went through a phase of "sean patrick flannery is my favorite actor." but i could never find this movie. so you see, i was obliged to stay up another two hours. halfway through the movie, the guys go to someone's house, when two scantily clad women burst through the door. a few seconds after that, the man starts ravaging items on top of a shelf or table. and sudenly, for about 1-2 seconds, "whipped cream & other delights" flashes on the screen. i laughed until i stopped. well, enjoy.

added to the list.

Date: Fri, 28 Dec 2001
From: Doc Brody
Subject: Buzzard Tree

Like a foghorn out of the clouds,

honk

it's Ol' Doc Brody. And I have a question. And a fragment sentence. Anyhoo, where is your Buzzard Tree page?

aqui esta

I wanna read it again - and possibly visit it! It turns out that I'll be doing work with turkey vultures, and I am seeking out some odd cultural tidbits.

if the buzzard tree doesn't qualify, i'd like to read about whatever does.

Maybe I'll amble on over to AZ some time soon (when I have a working vehicle).

when you have one, let me know what that's like. i'll content myself with the vicarious thrill.

So far, 2001 really sucked. Lots of deaths, cancers, heart attacks, tumors, premature baldings, etc. 2002 better not be so heavily ruled by the Grim Reaper, or I'm leaving.

Also: I have a few things for MPB glass trades, but I've not had time/energy/gumption to get them out to you. Maybe 2002 will be the 'Send Crap to Deuce of Clubs' year.

excellent. lately i've been reduced to accepting pea DNA in exchange for favors. yes, i mean booth glass. today when i mailed a piece of glass to australia, i had to explain myself to a postal worker, which is something no one should ever have to do.

she: why are you mailing a piece of phone booth glass to australia?
me: you wouldn't believe me if i told you.
she: i'll bet i've heard it before.
me: um, no. i don't think you have.

in these days of heightened security, that was good enough for her, and that's how i missed my chance to wreak mass destruction on australia.

Now go get 'em tiger,
- Doc Brody.

(fyi: already got a tiger whisker.)

From: Cardhouse Robot
Date: Fri, 28 Dec 2001
Subject: bzzt

"Soon afterwards Vic's lights went out. Today he's in storage and the club is closed. A few have talked about getting the club opened, but I think it's mainly talk."

No. He was up a year ago and I'm sure he's up now.

i know. i was going to put up a current vic photo, but then i realized i have umpteen mt. monograms to do...

Two years ago, I called the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce, while in Vegas, and they said he was gone. They lied, I went downtown and there he was.

that's pretty funny. i don't suppose you taped that call

Next time I'll call 'em while on a cellphone LOOKING at at Vegas Vic ... bunch of idiots. I'm sure they could direct you to Bellagio's Amazing Water Wasting Spectacle.

[hold tight on this comment, i'm going to confirm it]

(nope. i'm johnny-jump-the-gunner.)

You also need a better close-up of the Chinese characters here:

that's a good idea. but i have no idea where that card is packed away at the moment. any chinese (i guess it's chinese) speakers, or rather, readers, out there who can read very small and poorly scanned characters?

Date: Thu, 27 Dec 2001
From: InkyBody
Subject: dangling phone line shoes

Hi, just a little New York City trivia for you regarding this remark:

"There's the shoes that some bonehead threw up onto the phone line.
Isn't that just a freaking laugh party?"

I'm a thirty-nine year-old native New Yorker, and the tradition of throwing one's old shoes up on the telephone lines is much older than I am. My mom explained that it was kind of a status thing; when you bought new shoes, you tied the laces of the old ones together and threw the old ones over the telephone lines. This way everyone could see that you could afford new ones. This leads me to believe that the tradition may date back to the end of the Depression. I've also heard of military personnel doing the same thing when they graduate from boot camp, tying together the laces of the boots they wore through training, then tossing them over the phone lines near the base, signifying the ending of one phase of life and the beginning of another.

Considering this, I hope you see those dangling shoes in a new light. Their former owner was more likely honoring the booth in some way than trying to offend anybody.

here i thought that shoes dangling from a telephone line indicated (in the stilted language of law enforcement) "the presence of gang activity." then again, i saw a police-produced infomercial that assured parents that the presence of empty m&m bags in their child's room was conclusive proof of "raver activity," and we all know, from watching police-produced informercials, that those darned ravers are inveterate users of dangerous and illegal drugs. foo!

(by the way ... where exactly did you find that remark?)

It's right here:
http://www.deuceofclubs.com/moj/broke/broke06.htm

ah, yes. thanks. (i just write the stuff; no one pays me to remember where i leave it.)

by the way dude (dudess?), great page. first time i saw it was today. i live in san diego now, so next time i cruise through the mojave, i'll probably make a trip there to pay my respects to the phone that brought the world together. thanks for all your hard work.

de nada. (you do realize that the booth is no longer there, i hope.)

From: Cory
Subject: New Years in Tempe
Date: Thu, 27 Dec 2001

I was browsing around thinking of taking a drive to the Mojave phone both and found your site. Noticing your affiliation with Tempe I read on. I have been to Mickey's Hang Over but have not noticed a gang of costume rings wearer's. Your critique of burning man was good, I am still thinking of going for the first time. Anyway do you have any suggestions for New Years in the desert? I have heard downtown Tempe draws a crowd, but I am not a fan of Bryan Adams,

(who is? probably even canadians have finally figured out that he sucks)

and from my experiences in Times Square on new years say to stay away from mass crowds. Let me know what you think.

Thanks Cory

cory, i forwarded your request to the babs-o-matic; here is her response with my response to her response. responses galore today, here at deuce of clubs.

Date: Thu, 27 Dec 2001
From: babs
To: doc
Subject: Re: Fwd: New Years in Tempe

any ideas on what he/she (cory is such an ambiguous name) should do?

not a one. i'm in tucson for a while, anyway -- not that i paid much attention to what's happening in the people's republic of tempe even when i lived there

i don't know. not downtown tempe unless he/she is a big loser. but if, indeed, he/she is a big loser he/she would love it.

yeah, no kidding. what a loserfest downtown tempe has become.

as i said i may go to the thing at the icehouse, but i may also go out of town or i may do nothing. if he/she likes raves tell him/her about the icehouse party. also let him/her know that i am not a gang, but a lone fighter, a desperado, a fonzie.

or, dare we say (speaking of downtown tempe) ... a pee-wee?

(so there you have it, cory: precisely the sort of precision answer team answers you've come to expect from deuce of clubs. no, you're welcome.)

Date: Tue, 18 Dec 2001
From: Agent Hesby
Subject: Quarterly report from Agent Hesby

Hello,

If the raver's page on D.O.C. is correct, it's been three months since our last communiqué. The last few months have seen me doing little besides drinking unpronounceable wines and pushing the mouse for The Man, the same The Man who plucked me out of the desert over five years ago. Virus-like, my influence has managed to spread throughout the company, making me the first person they call when someone needs the corporate database to do dark, unnatural things. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway. It could also be construed that I am merely a stupendous chump, since I'm the only one foolish enough to admit to know how to clean up the various and sundry damage inflicted by the poo-flinging monkeys who coded the mess in the first place. At least the pay is nice, the checks don't do that Buzzeo Bounce I've heard about, and I'm enduring all this in a spacious window office on the 16th floor, overlooking P-Town's Pioneer Courthouse Square and Hacky Slacker Brick Garden to the east. Oh yeah, and I made them get me one of those sweet Aeron chairs, the one with all the levers, knobs, and microchips that easily make it smarter than I am.

nice. ask them if they will hire me to sit out in the desert. i know how to do that, and i really need an aeron chair.

The Aeron truly is sweet. It's made so well that it can hold up to a shaved ape like me abusing it for over a year. Once I saw that the chair lived up to the hype, I bought one for the house as a holiday present. My wife will probably use it the most, which should cut down on her bellyaching about the lousy chair she sits in when she buys and sells souls on eBay all day long....

Ideas (or maybe just parts of ideas) in the avocation box are rattling around in the small area not occupied by the vocation box. I can feel each bounce adding momentum to these thoughts. Eventually, they may split my oversized head open and ooze out onto paper. One involves a man who functions perfectly fine, even though never sleeps. Ever. Not even Edisonian catnaps or Dali's alarm spoon technique. What do those eight extra hours afford him that we could never imagine? Better yet, what have others already imagined about this topic that I can avoid retelling?

i think a lot of us dream of never having to sleep. wait ... dream ... sleep ... <kaboom; head implodes>

The other guy is just a dumbass who thinks he's just had a heart attack and goes on a minor life-changing campaign, only to hear that it wasn't a heart attack, but a dislocated rib that was kicked in by a bikini-clad police woman who he wrestled with during a pool party at my house over the weekend. Come to think of it, maybe he and the insomniac are the same guy, or they will be if one of them can't pull his weight. In that case the remaining one will have to do both of their jobs.

Please let me know if your cave is still intact.

That is all,
Hesby

(it is not.)

btw, today in the video store i saw a child who looked like a three-foot-tall version of hesby. _it's a nauseating life_ was wrapping up, the big band version of "buffalo gals" was playing, and this kid was robot dancing. like became suddenly more nauseating.

From: IBOK4U
Date: Tue, 18 Dec 2001
Subject: Kolob /~ /~

Ref. your (current) tribute to the Osmonds album (from the 70's) that you found curious enough to comment on about the references to Kolob.

The quote by a Mr. Snow suggested that "...as God is, man may become."

I was curious also as to why that's such a stretch in your mind? IF...(and that's a BIG if) we (you and I) are in fact, "Sons of God"...

doesn't it make sense that if, as sons, we too will grow up to be "adults of God" then..., won't that make the sons of God that grow up, (after life and death presumably) like him?

I don't know much about your web site or the Osmond's album, or Kolob for that matter, but to me, the principle of a son growing up and becoming like his Father seems to make sense.

Of course, I'm not living in the hot, dessert sun like you either, so, perhaps my reasoning is suspect as well.

not only your reasoning, but your spelling as well. if i lived in, say, a cherry pie that had just been baked, i could be said to live in a "hot dessert." i do not live in a cherry pie of any description. i do live in a hot desert. i do not know what effect that may have had upon my reasoning.

speaking of reasoning and ifs, here's some reasoning fun for you

if, as *you* suggest, l. snow's confident assertion contains "a BIG if," then wouldn't that make it a stretch, as *i* would suggest?

i would also respectfully suggest that mister snow was pulling his facts out of his blowhole. but i have to explore those cherry pie possibilities...

hochste lust,
doc

p.s. -- "IBOK4U?" not so okay by me.

Date: Fri, 07 Dec 2001
From: Lazlo
Subject: W

Drew didn't recognize Wagner? Drew frigging sings opera and he didn't recognize Wagner! Ha! I bet W knows a poseur when he sees one!

to be fair, wagner did have his back turned. i wouldn't expect even the average wagnerian to recognize wagner exclusively by his ass.

(If you have a higher-resolution version of the Drew-Adam-Wagner photo, I would be honored to beg a copy from you.)

claro qui si, amigo.

From: dj 'tine
Date: Thu, 6 Dec 2001
Subject: love dat loveline

chuckled out loud upon seeing the dr. drew and that other guy from loveline photo.. thanks for the laff daddy-0, i needed it!

From: Byron971
Date: Sun, 2 Dec 2001
Subject: "A friend in need"

Just happened upon your site and wondered if you may be able to assist me. In 1978 my wife & I were in Italy and I saw a porcelain sculpture of "A Friend In Need". I didn't purchase it then because I was afraid to ship it back home. Since then I have always kept my eyes open for one here in the States but have never seen it. Do you know where I may be able to locate it? Thanks for any help you may be able to provide...

naturally you turn to a guy who has a statue that is completely unrelated to the one you describe.

but hold on there. so why *did* you turn to a guy who has a statue that is completely unrelated to the one you describe? i'd really like to know. maybe there's a page on the site i've forgotten, on which i delve into the history of the sculpture of "A Friend in Need," that sculpture i'm not even aware i've ever heard of. i've been known to forget large portions of my own site. and AOL, huh? hard to believe. i mean, hard to believe that nine-hundred and seventy people got to the name "byron" on AOL before you did. how about you could be "byronthequestoraftersculptureguy@aol.com"? knowing AOL, they'd probably make you be "byronthequestoraftersculptureguy17@aol.com." bastards.

keep those cards & letters coming,
doc

From: Vinyard
Subject: Stuph
Date: Fri, 30 Nov 2001

Dear D.o.C.

I happened upon your site while looking for rosary prayers. How 'bout that!.

that's interesting. i don't think the word rosary appears on the site. perhaps you landed on cardinal danneels. he's a softie.

I think your site is tremendously funny. I'm spreading the word. It's nice to know the web is actually being used for something worth while.

your perspective on value is admirable.

Say.... Could I get you to send me updates on your site?

soitenly. i'll add you to the list. the site updates go out only every month or three, though.

Also, I've heard of the Burning Man - how does a guy get invited to that?

Never mind - I just typed in "burningman" at the web address line and I answered my own question.

Oh. By the way. I've got the number for the Mohave phone booth & I'm going to try it out. Do you think it'll be funny if I act like I'm on a cell phone and tell them I'm in the Joshua tree?

"Hi. Is this the Mohave Desert?
I'm watching you. Yeah. I'm in the Joshua tree.
No.
Over here.
That's right.
What? Wait!
Put that gun down!!!!"

it might be funnier if the mojave phone booth were still there.

Keep up the good work - Hope to meet you and yours on the trail someday. Oh, Crap here's my boss.

So long.

Date: Mon, 26 Nov 2001
From: LaRux
Subject: Elvis is King!

wish i could send you the book rather than just the review (if it's the thought that counts, does it mean that it can also count against you?)

don't know. we will ask elvis

Editorial Reviews

From the Author
I've told myself time and again that I am prepared for the criticism I will encounter when this work is published. The word "criticism" is probably an understatement. Persecution might be a more accurate description of the fallout. No one said it is easy to navigate in uncharted waters or to go where no one has ever dared go before. Still, I must be true to myself. The public nearly crucified Gail Giorgio in 1988 for delivering the well-researched proof that Elvis Presley might be alive. I can just imagine what they'll do to me. Am I fully prepared for the repercussions? I doubt it. Nevertheless, this story literally screamed to be told.

Date: Fri, 23 Nov 2001
From: Juan M.
Subject: deuce in barry

hiya doc!

happy post-turkey day. i ate an entire pumpkin pie.

good lord. i heard that can make you pregnant. best of luck.

i might have missed it in the gallery, but if it's not in there: three minutes into Kubrick's Barry Lyndon you will see a Deuce of Clubs held by Ryan O'Neal

oooh, good catch! i'll have to rent that (but why, o why, couldn't the deuce have been held by marisa berenson?)

-- the rest of the movie is OK: icy and long, but funny and mean,

i saw it a few years ago, but i can't remember much about it now. except a deuce of clubs. wait, that's not my memory, that's what you just told me.

and that scene that Wilson & Anderson talk about stealing shot for shot in Rushmore -- it's there, and it does seem to be a shot for shot homage. So there's that.

I'd send a screen capture but that kind of technology is far too advanced for me.

i trust all is well w/ you and yours. my best to the statue.

cheers,
juan

the deuce is in rushmore, too? i'll be very ashamed if i missed that one. i have the criterion edition and everything, cripes!

Below some lengthy and unnecessary clarification re. the deuce in Rushmore. Mainly, there is no deuce in Rushmore.

I have the Criterion edition too -- I love that movie and can't wait for The Royal Tenenbaums, which looks like it's drenched in Salinger. Anyway, throughout several of the Grodin interviews and I think even through the documentary you hear Murray and some of the other folks talk about a scene that Anderson kept talking about in Barry Lyndon -- it's the scene where Barry first approaches his soon-to-be-wife, who at the time is married to someone else: it's outside at the balcony. Anderson reproduces the set-up for when Ms. Cross and Mr. Blume are outside drinking coffee in the intermission of Max's Apocalypse Now play. (I have not heard the commentary track in a while, but I do think Anderson talks about the Lyndon homage in it as well.)

All of which is to say: No deuce in Rushmore, but Lyndon was made all the more enjoyable for finding the deuce and for finding the original set-up of the Rushmore scene.

Date: Thu, 22 Nov 2001
From: The Brazen Hussy

I have a habit of buying people things off wish lists, as Meat mentioned on the web site. I'm of the opinion that if somebody took the time to put together a list of things they need or want, I'll throw in for a little something. Giving people presents makes me happy, especially when they arrive at your door like a little surprise. Ask and ye shall receive.

mucho appreciado, de verdad!

I was also intrigued by your site and the purchase seemed to be going for a good cause.

Some people are a little weirded out by my gifts. Hopefully, you're not feeling weird. Unless that's how you usually feel.

yes. weird is good. smart is sexy. kilroy was here.

I happened upon deuceofclubs while surfing the web looking at ezines. I think, while I'm not 100% sure, that I found it in a Google search. It was either that or from a link on The Book of Zines. That's where I found most of the sites I've been looking at lately.

I read your piece in "smut" on Farrah Fawcett in Playboy. Jane, another of the Kittyloaf crew, actually works for Playboy and is equally astounded by the number of people that search under "playb0y" along with playboi, plaiboy, and plaboy. People either make a lot of typos or are profoundly stupid.

no reason profoundly stupid people should be expected to be able to type.

From: deucefan
Date: 22 Nov 2001
Subject: deucehouse for sale

what the deuce,

i discovered your site long ago during the phone booth craze before its demise, and came back again when considering the merits of burningman. now, i can say its the place to go when there is nowhere else to go and boredom is at its peak to see whats new and different with the Wag wagger. and as if Turkey Day isnt the best time to check on da deuces, i dont know when is. it beats cooking beets or catching denture spray from uncle drunkle.

anyway, you should have realized the potential your own phone booth had as a sales gimmick to unload your house on the deuce crowd. it could have been the only home for sale with its own deuce-booth telephone in the living room. charging admission the see and actually use the phone would be a plus. or, even leaving it installed in the front yard with a security camera to catch a glimpse of the next art car driver that breaks down out front and doesnt have to knock to use the phone(its a proven fact that art cars and cell phones dont mix). but, if you feel it was too hideous to reveal to the general public or you couldnt part with your tele-toy, that of course is your choice.

ah, well, hadn't thought of that. but i didn't want to leave it behind (though i would have, if it would help sell the place)

Happy Gobble Gobble,
little-deuce-coup

From: Nick K. Subject: Supporting Freedom? Date: Thu, 22 Nov 2001 Mr. Deuce, Last week, someone I work for started handing out some lapel pins to everyone, with the Stars and Stripes ribbon on them. Whatever. Not that I'm a Commie, but I honestly don't feel compelled to advertise my nationalism any more right now than I ordinarily would. Anyhow, here's a picture of the pin I got, still in its plastic wrapper: Strange world we live in.

From: Karen L.
Subject: The Second Coming
Date: Wed, 21 Nov 2001

This is quite stunningly fantastic!! XD XD XD

gracias. it's one of the lesser-appreciated features on deuceofclubs.com, but one of my personal favorites.

Have sent .bmp image of the cover for a book called The Drowned, got it off Amazon, hope it helps!

thanks. i almost ordered it the other day, but then i decided to hold out for a book entitled, simply, drowned. i mean, someone *has* to have written a book called drowned, no?

From: Lisa D.
Subject: Giant Rock
Date: Thu, 15 Nov 2001

Guess I'll know soon enough if you receive this e-mail. I grew up spending every (EVERY) weekend at Giant Rock in the early-mid 60's. I always sat at George's right side on Friday evenings. Knew Daniel Boone well and his wife Sandra - always played with his kids. He'll not know my name, but will remember the family from Palm Springs that moved to New Zealand in 68. Man, but I'd love to talk to someone about those days..............................................

what sticks with you about him the most?

Cool!!!! George was like a second Father to me so my thoughts and memories are rather biased - kind, intelligent, fun, patient, strong character, etc. I could go on and on. Eva always sat on his left and my sister and I fought for the seat on his right. Dan and Sandra lived next to the cafe with the kids, and the other daughter, Darlene Wing,lived over by the integratron, her two kids were Marla and Shaun. I have a sneaky suspicion that Grumpy is her husband or was......he was quite mean even then. I saw a picture of the broken rock - grafitti and all - Rather sad and heart wrenching for me. There used to be an odd vortex between the giant rock and the other smaller one off to the side (landing strip side). Did you notice if it's still there? Also, if you keep walking away from the rock and around the mountainside, there was a pile of white rocks (and some Rose Quartz). I wonder if that's still there? I moved back to California in 1980 and met Dorris. My son was almost born in her manufactured home, missed by a week. I haven't been back there since and don't live in Calif. anymore.

I have so many memories: Eva's peach pies, shuffleboard, camping outside, the conventions, the messages on Friday nights (always led in singing by Darlene) and once, George planted a flower garden along the side of the cafe which he never watered. He used a plan of Tessla's with copper wiring. It drew the moisture at night (I think) and everything inside the wiring grew wonderfully.

If you never met George, that's a shame. He was a big man with a big heart, kind soul and hearty handshake - and always mistaken for Gerald Ford. He sure got a kick out of that.

Feel free to e-mail me anytime with any questions. I just missed a 30 year reunion at Palm Springs HS. I was looking forward to a side jaunt up to the rock, but it wasn't meant to be. Still have some family in Orange County and one of these days, I've threatened to take my husband to Palm Springs for a visit, but quite honestly, we kinda feel like we're in God's country up here in Oregon. Who knows? Maybe one of these days..... Thank you so much for the reply - you made my day.

Lisa

From: Trey
Date: Mon, 12 Nov 2001
Subject: You might find this interesting...

How did this get on my film??? This was on my way back from the Rockin W in Texas a couple of weeks ago.

I was very disturbed by this.

Date: Tue, 13 Nov 2001
From: babs

so i'm on your site to see whats going on and i see that you are seeing presidents in shadows. thats ... ah... something.... really something. how long has THAT been happening?

just over the past, oh, month or so. am i really losing it? i could take a poll.

i also saw the mit many wagners in one pic, that is the most fabulous thing ever

isn't it, though?

(besides of course, the fantasy i now have of you seeing presidents everywhere you go like some paranoid). as an egocentric.... am i in it somewhere?

barbara bush

yes, you certainly are. more than once, yep. you'd have to examine the huge-sized one (7MB or something like that) in order to recognize yourself, though.

Date: Wed, 14 Nov 2001
From: babs

i could not find me in there. i found some of the pics i took: pederman, alice cooper, and i noticed i look a LOT like the whip it girl because looking at those pics at that size i was certain i saw a lot of pics of myself (i am pretty aware of what i look like) only to realize it was her. wierd.

the presidents thing. i do think it is kind of something i'd tell dateline a few years from now when being interviewed as an *associate* of the guy who killed the president. "yeah, stone phillips, i was totally wigged out when he started seeing shadows of presidents everywhere. but we all thought it would pass..."

-bwilliamhowardtaftabs

hey! i CAUGHT that...

Date: Sun, 11 Nov 2001
From: wildkitty
Subject: Re: profiles in doofage

niiice! I wonder how many people will see that and think you're off your rocker

probably no more than usual

(although the resemblances are pretty remarkable).

damn RIGHT they are

From: david w.
Subject: jon wayne
Date: Sun, 11 Nov 2001

i have been a fan of this band for well i hate to admit how long. i hear that they have released something new. how do i buy it? please be kind with your answer . thanks.

try http://www.jonwayne.com. kind enough for you?

Date: Sat, 10 Nov 2001
From: Andria

Hilarious!

(Did someone really break into your house and vandalize?)

let's see, has it been seven years ... ? yeah. okay. then, no.

Color me impressed with the container's reorganization, too!

even i'm impressed, and i think i'm a dork!

From: Anaisabine
Date: Sat, 10 Nov 2001
Subject: nyc

spent last night and most of today in nyc...

actually went to "ground zero" to pay my respects and to see for myself..

a very sad and somber site.... hundreds of people but very quiet...

images on tv can't even compare to the brutal reality...

the burned out remnants of the remaining buildings look like melted candles.. the violence of it is striking and numbing...

very strange.....

spent some time perusing your site....thanks for making me smile..

de nada. that's what we're here for.

From: hans kloos Subject: S C project Date: Sat, 10 Nov 2001 Hi DOC, my cycle of booth poems isn't finished yet, but i just had a look at your second coming project and I may have a contribution if you're interested. It's a bit more absurd and i use longer titles, here it is: Going To Meet The Man In the American Tree Is The Last Voyage of Somebody the Sailor That's Baldwin, a poetry anthology, cummings and John Barth. If you want to you can see yourself on the cover of my forthcoming book [Het zingen van het ijs (The Singing of the Ice)] on my homepage. best wishes, hans

(From the Blizzard at the Booth trip)

From: Christopher C.
Subject: Velma card
Date: Fri, 9 Nov 2001

The colorist of that Velma card got his schemes wrong. First, what appears to be a lack of panties on Velma is actually the inside back of her skirt. She is in similar poses with it colored in properly. Her shoes and socks are colored wrong as well.

There have been several episodes of Scooby Doo where animators took the liberty of making Velma's panties show; she basically wears red ones (except on A Pup Named Scooby Doo, where in a particular episode they gave her white ones).

Christopher Cook

the christopher cook of powerpuff girls fame, or near-fame, or near-notedness or something? cos you shore knows lots about cartoon panties, let me tell you.

or maybe is there some sort of bare facts guide for cartoon characters?

(i hope you weren't typing "velma's panties" into search engines, now, were you? were you?!?)

Nope, I was on a card game search engine (my nephew kicks my butt at draw poker) when I came across your bit about Velma.

i love search engines

Have we crossed paths on a message board?

doubt it -- if i were a toon message board guy, i probably would have known about velma's panties myself.

Because as I don't know who you are under the name "Doc," you seem to know about me!

i love search engines. did i already say that? name sounded familiar, so i googled. also, "bellsouth" made me think of atlanta, atlanta made me think of space ghost/cartoon network, &c. &c. &c.

which reminds me, what happened to wagner's episode of space ghost? damn that chip duffy!

From: Hypnagogue
Date: Thu, 8 Nov 2001

I checked out the [Deuce] gallery -- the Deuce Costume is quite the Holy Grailesque acquisition!

is that not aSTOUNDing??

Where the hell did the oven mitts come from? All I can do is envision the mutant ham hands that are supposed to fit inside them.

no, see, jean SEWED the costume -- HERSELF. a whole lot of work went into that, let me tell you

From: Cmj
Subject: Are you sure it's Steve?
Date: Fri, 02 Nov 2001

Howdy,

Long time listener, first time caller. In checking out your page of book models:

I don't think that it's Steve McQueen. I *do* however think that it's Patrick McGoohan.

Just my .02,
The Duke

dang. you may be right, not that i make a habit of quoting billy joel, shud-d-d-d-er.

From: nobodys.beezwax@[name of multi-globular corporation deleted].com
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 2001

i saw on doc that there is another place with an LP mtn monogram, and i found my pictures of the LP outside of bakersfield when i moved, so i'll send em to you.

gracias

**********************************************************************
This e-mail is the property of [name of multi-globular corporation deleted] Corp. and/or its relevant affiliate and may contain confidential and privileged material for the sole use of the intended recipient (s). Any review, use, distribution or disclosure by others is strictly prohibited. If you are not the intended recipient (or authorized to receive for the recipient), please contact the sender or reply to [name of multi-globular corporation deleted] Corp. at [name of multi-globular corporation deleted].messaging.administration@[name of multi-globular corporation deleted].com and delete all copies of the message. This e-mail (and any attachments hereto) are not intended to be an offer (or an acceptance) and do not create or evidence a binding and enforceable contract between [name of multi-globular corporation deleted] Corp. (or any of its affiliates) and the intended recipient or any other party, and may not be relied on by anyone as the basis of a contract by estoppel or otherwise. Thank you.
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that sig still cracks me the hell up. i've never seen anything like it from any other corporation. too funny.

if my email is owned by [name of multi-globular corporation deleted], does that mean that i am, too?

you raise an interesting question, Worker #32837492. unfortunately, workers are not allowed to consider questions of personal import, especially during hours of duty. you are encouraged not to repeat the infraction.

have a nice day,
Security Officer #2894
[name of multi-globular corporation deleted]

From: oldbones
Subject: Peru Medical Book
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 2001

Greetings,

I was wondering about your book...the Medical book from South America. Is it for sale? I am interested in the images of the shrunken heads.

Best regards,
Juan

i don't know whether i'd sell it, but it's pretty much a moot point for the near future, because all my books (150+ boxes) are in storage. which makes me weep. weep, weep, weep, honk. but you can ask me again once i get my new digs built. give it a year or two. who am i kidding, give it at least 3 to 5. like an armed robbery sentence. only maybe even longer. no parole. no parole for me. breakin' rocks, that's what we do here at deuce of clubs...

Date: 23 Oct 2001
From: Dave V.
Subject: one for the Mandible

No matter how many times I read them, I still crack up at all the messages from people who think they're contacting an official Amy Grant site. With some of the messages that seem to come from kids, I feel a little sorry for them, but the adults sending messages really ought to know better. They don't seem to notice that you do not in any way claim to be affiliated with her, you just appreciate the Mandible. Still laughing.

yep. i've given up. some people are too stupid to disabuse and too fun not to abuse.

Date: Sat, 20 Oct 2001
Subject: Dor knockin' lunkheads
From: Matt H.

"I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes, and I am happy now." -- Ace of Base

Well, your anti-knocking sign has inspired me. I assume you don't need one any more since you moved to The Middle of Nowhere (tm), but here's my little story of Deuce-ification.

This week I was repainting the hallway in my house. I took down the thermostat, the a/c vents, and THE DOORBELL. i didn't notice it at the time, but this week has been quiet and peaceful for me. Yesterday, looking out the window, I saw a woman walking from house to house, ringing doorbells, making a pitch to whoever answered, and moving on. When she got to my house, she rang the doorbell, but no sound issued within. It was great! She went away after pressing my doorbell button a few more times.

I remembered your sign and it made me realize I'd probably be happier with less knockers. (Um.) So I've decided to leave my doorbell disconnected and have the button outside as a decoy. Awesome.

Hey, my hallway looks great, by the way. When are you coming by to see it?

well, i wouldn't have considered it, except that you mentioned ace of base...

From: Curt L.
Date: Tue, 16 Oct 2001
Subject: training day deuce card

Sir,
Check out Training Day, about 90 minutes in. The rookie cop is abandoned in a gang house by Denzel Washington's character. The gang is playing poker with the rookie until he loses a hand and they all have a donneybrook. There is an early close up of the deuce of SPADES, however there is a quick shot of your card. I'm fairly sure of this but don't want to spend another 8 bones for another god damned ticket.

Here to help,
Curt

so you're saying we should wait until training day hits the dollar cinema?

Date: Fri, 12 Oct 2001
From: Kelly

Was thinking of u tonight, I was at the Bellevue Art Museum's annual, & one of the pieces was an artist who photographed himself in various poses, as wrestler, etc. But in one, he was the Whipped Cream Dream girl. I gave him yr name to surf yr site. Howze life? We missed u in SF.

XX K

Date: Thu, 11 Oct 2001
From: aristeia
To: Damn Good Coffee

dear mr. leichtman,

wow, laibach covering the beatles. i should get that.

it's both funny and ... something else, but i don't know what. i like it a lot.

i can put it on a tape with coil covering "tainted love" and foetus covering "don't fear the reaper" and bedside toxicology covering "downtown." two of which are crap.

as you can tell by my responding to very old news, i haven't really explored the cd list before, at least not as much as the other parts of the site. i really should have, because i had no idea anton lavey put out an album! i've been reading him. that's crap as well, but based on some very good theoretical underpinnings. just not very good *writing*.

literarily speaking (literarily?), he was no crowley, that's for sure

no, yeah, and he has the balls to make *fun* of crowley too. as if anybody could poke fun at crowley better than crowley.

Date: Wed, 10 Oct 2001
From: Fingers
Subject: Crumb

Yes, that title is wonderful. I think our old friend, the lethargic vitalist ,would have appreciated that too. And wouldn't he have just loved to have gone down to Bank One Ballpark to root for his Cardinals in the playoffs. I wish he was here.

This weekend my wife and I went to San Diego for a wedding. On the way home, we went over to see Leonard. He's started a whole bunch of new projects, including an adobe replica of the hot air balloon from a few years ago. Inside it is his own homemade redwood tree. It's really cool. And you know those wonderful little pencil holders he gave to both of us? Well, he's not making them any more. He said they took too much of his time.

He's trying to get Congress to declare Salvation Mountain some sort of protected site so that the environmentalist wackos can't bulldoze the place. He also sang a couple of songs for us.

Speaking of how vigor for life can appall:

Think for a moment of the way the perkiest cheerleader in high school might say "hey did you guys hear about the new dance?" Well, today our physical therapist said in that exact same way, "Hey did you guys hear they found a third case of anthrax." - with a big gigantic smile on her face.

From: grogan
Subject: Kolob
Date: Mon, 8 Oct 2001

Ya know, sometimes I absolutely love the internet because it connects me with so many different peoples and ideas, other times I abhore

[sic]

it especially when I read the kind of stuff I did in your piece on the Osmond's Kolob album.

so different ideas are okay ... as long as they aren't "too" different. check.

The funny thing is: from the way things were explained in your site on this album, you seem to have no idea what your

[sic]

talking about and even less, any respect for those who happen to enjoy their religion. One should never belittle another's ideas.

never? so you wouldn't "belittle" the ideas of radical religious terrorists? i'm sure they enjoy their religion, too. (and i'm sure they have experienced the "burning in the bosom," too. why is it that religious nuts haven't discovered mylanta?)

Especially one who seems to know so little of what it is he or she is criticizing.

oh, please. don't pretend to be a fanatic who can't recognize humor. the air-traffic controller stuff was commentary on the wacky gatefold, not on mormonism. the commentary "As man is, God once was; as God is, man may become" wasn't commentary but quotation (from lorenzo snow) on the utter wackiness that is mormonism. believe me, i've read plenty of LDS stuff, but snow's encapsulation is succinct enough warning for anyone who has any sense.

what i'm trying to say is, relax. we do a humor site here. when you have your own planet, maybe you can find a way to punish us.

peace, love, and donny osmond (never thought that would actually come in handy),
doc

From: Juan M.
Subject: spasibo!
Date Wed, 3 Oct 2001

hiya doc!

i'm liking today's randumb tons! one thing: it's Nabokov, one "a" + two "o"s, not Nabakov. all's well here, rattled as we have been by the Mess.

i'm hoping all's well w/ the statue and w/ you. good luck finding a buyer for the house: it shouldn't be too much trouble as those are some pretty kickass tiles on the bathroom.

cheers,
juan

ha, yeah, cheesy comment, i got it from the realtor

Date: Thu, 04 Oct 2001
From: Fingers
Subject: last night

i think i had a dream about you, but you didn't look like you, and you really weren' t you. so, it might not have actually been a dream about you, and you might not even have been a member of the supporting cast.

maybe i was standing in for myself. WHOA!!! <head explodes>

nevertheless the war against evil abroad...

(oh, i wouldn't call her evil)

...rages on like a ???

fill in the blank, do time.

Date: Tue, 02 Oct 2001
From: Rob Cockerham
Subject: Hey Great house, but...

...who wants to have 8 phonebooths surrounding their house? And Isn't the buzzard tree near there? Geez, what a nightmare that would be!

-- Rob Cockerham
wiseass

From: Mae Soier
Subject: Just Wondering
Date: Tue, 02 Oct 2001

I'm picking up on a vibe that you are a Bitter and Lonely Human.

hrmm. i wouldn't say so. but maybe i am not the expert on "Me."
what is it that gives you that impression?

I guess people usually don't just up and move to nowhere in particular to be around nobody if they aren't a little fed up, or unless they're trying to escape something.

have you known a lot of people who up and moved to nowhere in particular to be around nobody? just wondering. at the risk of sounding paradoxical ... they might make good neighbors.

What is it that has made you so durn...Whatever it is that you are?

just out of curiosity, which sections of deuceofclubs.com have you looked at?

As much as the next person, I suppose. Quite a bit. I just wonder whether you realize how much you really do reveal about yourself.

maybe not. i wonder. maybe if i did, i wouldn't keep doing it

Have you been spurned?

hasn't everyone?

Oppressed?

aren't we all?

Alright, Deuce. You've sunk my battleship. So you ARE that private. Sometimes people who reveal nothing (yet much) about themselves online are fairly free-flowing with the personal info, it being "anonymous" and all. Yeah, right. I've seen how the media tracked you down during and after the whole "Booth" Chapter of your life.

i guess that's how it'll come off in my autobiography "chapter 11 -- the booth years"

But I don't pretend to know you. Forgive me for sounding as though I did. And I did leave out Brilliant and Amusing in my first letter.

oh, stop!

Cheers (which are much better than Boos),
Rachel

depends on the booze.

cheers,
doc

(P.S. -- how are things in motown these days?)

From: Cardhouse Robot
Date: Tue, 02 Oct 2001

<marking perpetual calendar>

Because I'm too busy answering shit like this:

>Hi, can you please tell me what the point of your website is? Thanks!

it's DUMBASS READER POKER!

i see your idiotic email and raise you this one:

>I'm picking up on a vibe that you are a Bitter and Lonely Human.
>Have you been spurned? Oppressed?
>What is it that has made you so durn...Whatever it is that you are?
>
>Rachel

You have won... Man, I should have held onto that letter from Mrs. Herman last week ...

So, uh, you know Livonia is in Michigan, right?

yessir. i looked it up. what i'd like to know is the significance, if any, of the cards. maybe the card values are the engine co. number or something.

I lived three blox away from the city line "back in "the "day."
livonia also has a few gas stations. one is an amoco.

this could turn out to be crucial.

Naw, you could gas up in Westland or something. Southfield. There's all sorts of options out there.

wow. never before did i know just how much freedom i have.

From: Ultima
Date: Fri, 28 Sep 2001
Subject: Deuce of Bruce

[ebay link deleted]

I had to click on 37 links before I found it! Because who would think Bruce would be a deuce? John Taylor was of course Ace of Hearts (this set *is* from '80s UK). Dave Vanian is 3 of Diamonds, from which I cannot glean any meaningful correlations. Nik Kershaw and Julian Lennon are the Jokers even while some character named Shakin' Stevens racks up a respectable 9 of Spades, and Frankie Goes to Hollywood doesn't even make it into the deck!

Yr pal,
Ultima

wait, you have me confused. did you check out 37 of these cards on ebay (i see that the seller has a bunch of different ones posted), or are you saying that because the deuce bruce is #38 in the deuce gallery?

The former -- whoa! What are the odds of that? --One in 52, I guess (or one in 54, counting Nik and Julian).

I had checked out the Deuce Gallery a while back and didn't remember Deuce Bruce. I would have bet this deck was too obscure even for you! I forgot that betting the Deuce = "Error!".

P.S. I have another item for the Deuce of Clubs gallery (though the image looks familiar -- a guy with a DoC stuck to his forehead -- must be one of those Clip Art models who learn too late that they now must forever live with being the guy on the CD-ROM who's "Jogging," "Pensive," "Yelling" or "Has Card Stuck to Head," and whose image may be used to tout anything from clones for organ harvest to Choco Tacos, so long as the venture's purveyor paid the $19.95 licensing fee). It's from the latest Yahoo! Magazine, illustrating a blurb about magic tricks. What is the best mailing address for you at present? All I have right now is Biosphere, Desert, AZ.

Date: Wed, 19 Sep 2001
From: "Senor Y."
Subject: heya.

Greetings,

I bumped into your 666 article when I was looking around for information on cough syrups.

(purely for research purposes, no doubt)

That tidbit was hillarious -- I live in AZ as well.

phoenix, or a good part?

Thought that was a bit of a coincidence. Anyway that turned me onto your site -- i've been checking it out and i have turned a few of my friends with a sense of humor onto it. Kick ass site.

Love,
Senor Y.

muchas gracias, senor

Date: Tue, 18 Sep 2001
From: Gila Mon

I like the house photos on your site. Ahh, memories. But no mention of the close proximity between 2 bathrooms. If there were two people sitting and shitting and one was out of toilet paper then the other could pitch a roll, bounce it off the hall wall and into the other bathroom. No messy getting up. That's a selling point!

ah, if only the house-buying public had your priorities...

Date: Fri, 14 Sep 2001
From: Andria
Subject You are -really- funny.

I mean that in a good way, Deuce. I'm cracking up over this x-mas '94 trip...

Date: Tue, 04 Sep 2001
From: Ron B.
Subject: for- Mr.Robert R. Leichtman, M.D.

Dear Mr. Leichtman.... Years back I think a book I read could of been by you called- "Yogananda Returns"-... However recently, I read in Dr. Allison's articles about your initial helping him with exorcisms...

As a Psychic Healer, Trance States, Spiritual Medium, a dowser of Human Energy fields, a Psi Investigator, etc.- I have been at this for only 14 years..... I have worked with all kinds of things... as: exorcisms, seances, spells, creating energy fields, establishing sacred space- etc. as "Gift of Spirit"

What I would like from you is some of your wisdom concerning human energies and psychic attack- especially as Dr. Allison elucidates in dealing with MPD's and Dissociatives---, etc.

Some of us have been working for years in attempting to understand this... Pete Wharburton- whom I have been working for 8 years-as a mentor so to say / a master dowser and investigator/ has a system of human energies... Here we find Electrical, Magnetic, Temporal, and Spacial- all with N-E_S_W_ directions ... I add the 5th energy as ETHER and Spacial.... So these energies have flow , and polarity... Attacks happen in disharmonies of natural energies/ least as many of us get!

This is why I am writing you... to compare notes/ actually aside form the ASD Bookstore/ I have not scene much at all concerning this......

I feel there must be a simple Key... to helping people suffering with MPD etc./ as to help open channels of neuro chemicals, nadis, channels, winds, fears, etc... to again align and integrate into the DIVINE One!!!!!! I watched a Charlie Rose interview of Tony Robbins/ here Tony talked about integrating this woman with 37 MPD's/ clinically diagnosed by many shrinks/ in a 2 hour session/ and after a year of holing integration- as tested by the shrinks again---~ NBC and Diane Sawyer- would then televise this as a cure! SO/ TONY is obviously a master of illusion and observation and pirated techniques galore and master of them all! I doubt he is all that psychic.... vane yes! THIS is what I am interested/ this and co-authoring a book dealing with technique, method, the fix, and complete with psychic observations- all dowseable by most sensitive dowsers , etc./ and bring forward new materials...

I and Pete have been looking at the psychic attacks of what we refer to as reversers...... Here/ certain energies are switched in those about or within their auric field/ and also can be projected- like a psychic attack - say even over a telephone call unconsciously/ THE effect= a energy blitz to those on the other end! Now the sad thing is/ about all people are so insensitive that they do not "FEEL" this happening to them/ and need to be wiped out as Dr. Allison writes about himself- before actually becoming cognitive of what hit them/!!! So here we go~~~~~~

Looking Forward to your commentaries/ Ron B.

you've GOT to be putting me on.

please tell me you're putting me on.

please?

Date: Wed, 05 Sep 2001
From: Ron B.
Subject: Re: for- Mr.Robert R. Leichtman, M.D.-duces wild???

DOC?????
Some would say your puttinmg on everyone- in mediumistic channeling of the DEAD as a basis of an interview for the subject matter of a book! I am one of these.....

AS a psychic this is my position with such readings... pure bullshit...

I suscribe to being a BUDDHIST, that is not a lame Hiniyana type but vajrayana...

my reality is vented that a way...

1st: UNLESS your a Preta ( ghost for you)- and that being then a earthbound entitity/ then whats there to read-- NADA, its gone- now lets read then BUDDHIST Psychology about this... REMEMBER- "no-soul"!

SO to write a book(s).... THIS is about as sic. as Spiritualistic readings/ "I am comoing to you today- and I see a charleton- standing behind you"- standard line, or the more popular TY types as Silvia Browne- a good psychic reader, or the gay guy- ??- depratt (???)

I went to a SPIRITUALIST church for 8 years/ also suscombing to taking the Morris Pratt- courses for licentian...

2nd:/ What I write are TIBETAN views somewhat of body dynamics and energies... , and i suscribe to the 6 cycles of existence- in comparitive reality for sure... pure ground in absolute reality/

3? / PSYCHIC attacks are a real deal, as possessions, and self created entities..../ so are PSI events./ our goverment as well as every other has been vested in sorcery and this research ad creation!

WHAT hole are you coming from-? and pulling out mediums to write books??????

Should think if your the same doc that Dr. Allison worked with in his first exorcism- huuuummmmm? Is there a memory failure-, a alter popping up- or waht?

Happy Trails-RR

what on earth would have given you any reason to suppose that you're writing to this leichtman character, anyway? as if people thinking they're writing to amy grant weren't silly enough...

Date: Wed, 05 Sep 2001
From: Ron B.
Subject: Re: for- Mr.Robert R. Leichtman, M.D.-duces wild???

Obviously it appears a dissociative multi aspect is answering the mail- intended for the Leichman aspect!

what i was asking you was, why would you think you could contact that author by writing to a website that quite obviously considers new age spiritualism to be complete mamba-jahambp perpetrated by and believed in by idiots?

Date: Thu, 06 Sep 2001
From: Ron B.
Subject: Re: for- Mr.Robert R. Leichtman, M.D.-duces wild???

It aaaaapppears you need to fry longer in the phone booth/ it will help ya!/

Es Schmertzt Mich Sehr Zu Wissen, Daß Man Ihm Nicht Helfen Kann