From: Dennis Hughes
Subject: You are the complete Libertarian!
Date: Mon, 08 Mar 1999

Good Afternoon Mr. D

I have perused your site a few times now and this time I felt the need to correspond.

I too am a Libertarian, although I do not hold to the beliefs as strongly as you (I believe in government sponsored education...not necessarily government run, vouchers are fine).

I am seriously considering moving to the Bahamas just to be free of the oppressive strangulation of taxation and *gag* the theft of what is known as Social Security.

It was quite cathartic to read your webpage and I thank you for providing the listing so I know where I can go to avoid taxation altogether.

cool. i'm not actually a libertarian. and remember, i have not yet verified that one can live tax *free* in the bahamas. just so you know. it certainly does sound good, though. you might also want to check into the doings of an interesting project with a silly name: New Utopia.

From: Dennis Hughes
Date: Mon, 08 Mar 1999

Hi again!

Sorry to bug you again, but I have a question! I can't remember the name of the country, but it was the one that has no taxation as a result of gull guano. How in the (*&* does guano make a difference as to whether or not they tax (steal from) their citizens?!

cos gull guano's valuable, and there was so much of it that the island would sell it, which pretty much gave them a free ride. but the supply's running low, i think. i saw it on 60 minutes a few years ago

From: Jay O'Balles
Subject: Free countries
Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999

Minor correction. I looked up Esclavage in my trusty French --> English dictionary and found it meant slavery. Slavery is prohibited by Monaco. I dunno if you meant 'cleavage' facetiously or not. Either way it shouldn't spoil anyones travel plans :)

yes, the latter. it's surprising, but a lot of people do not realize my french "translations" are not only inaccurate, but intentionally inaccurate

From: Scott Lahti
Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999
Subject: Correction

Great site - love the links to liberty, and the Gavin Bryars plug. One correction: "Bright Lights, Big City" became the title of a novel, not by Bret Easton Ellis (LESS THAN ZERO), but Jay McInerny - I know, those "Brat Pack" novelists of the 1980s all seem to blur together in our collective memories.

as well they should.

But you never know when Alex Trebek might read the title, and expect you to provide the author of record "in the form of a question."

nonetheless, in honor of the fact that i can't stand 80s brat pack novelists, i'm not going to correct the page.

From: azrel
Date: Thu, 04 Mar 1999
Subject: none really

Hello again,

I saw your section on the phone booth, please tell me that its not the Mohavie booth!

it is not the mojave booth

If not where in the HELL did it come from?

eugene, oregon

Another thing, I have been "hitting" your site at random for about 6 months now and I have loved it! In fact if I hadent known about your small place in the cyber world I probably wouldn't have even THOUGHT to do this to my 84 Olds Firenza hatch when Dee Snyder came to KC.

U have influenced me well
Ian

u have frightened me well, ian

84 ... wasn't that about when twisted sister was popular?

From: Vladimir Vrzic
Subject: website
Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999

i was wondering are you in need of a book entitled "To"?

vladimir

YES! do you know of one?

From: Vladimir Vrzic
Subject: To
Date: Thu, 4 Mar 1999

it's a serbo-croatian translation of steven king's It -- which is To in Serbian... still interested?

oh YEAH -- definitely!

From: m.noijons
Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999
Subject: unapalomablancacontest

On your site you promised to give us in the beginning of the year the name of the ´una paloma blanca contest´! So please: tell me who´s the winner. allthough i cannot sing or play the guitar or whatever other instrument i like the idea of this contest

ah, yes, we do have a winner -- from the netherlands, no less. i'm sure you know him personally! -- but i haven't gotten around to coding the pages yet. i am slacking off, sorry

Tonight i go to a coversnight in Amsterdam, where i live. Covers in punk version, covers in other versions and abbacovers. Must be great.

mmmm ... ABBA

Good luck with your site and all the activities and i found out about the telephonebooth: are there days nobody visites the booth or is it completely crowded nowdays.

Maaike

well, people do visit the booth & report back to me. i myself will be there in a few weeks, along with others. if we're there when you call, we'll answer (760 733 9969)

Date: Sat, 27 Feb 1999
From: John P. Melendez
Subject: cabin boy speaks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hello  THIS IS YOUR OLD CABIN BOY JP SPEAKING ATCHA!!ON MY NEW COMPUTER! THATS RIGHT JP FROM YE OLDE TOWN OF SEA CLIFF ! I found your rockin web site by total chance! I was gazing thru a copy of cool an strange music at about 3 in the morning on feb.27 and lo an behold der you be.(excuse the dictation I always Loved talkin GULLAH speak wit ya! any way how the hell are ya.email my ass at zappaj@earthlink.net WHERE ARE YOU! Im still at the same shack in sea cliff WIT DE TRUCK DRIVER DEVORSE AND HIS 6 CRAB GRASS BABIES DOWN STAIRS.YOU GOTA COME AN VISIT. YOUR OLD ROOM IS FILLED with vinyl artifacts. I went hog wild buying & finding stuff in the last couple of years. Today I found 2 interesting sound patterns on plastic. ONE IS A RUSSIAN PsYcHEDelic ALBUM! another isHOORAY FOR THE SALVATION ARMY BANDby BILL COSBY singing such hits as SGT. PEPPERS LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND. I hope all is well with you.I dont think I need this wonderful whipped cream car. BUT im sure some other lonely white boy will. LOOKING foward to hearing from yo ass jp

the ass responds:

deuce is not "that" deuce, just as you are not "that" john melendez (stuttering john)

From: Tim Hansen
Organization: Nationwide Clyde, Inc.
Subject: Deuce of Clubs' Global Influence.
Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999

I've been trying to sell a few cars on Classifieds2000 for over a year; a 1981 DeLorean and a '77 AMC Pacer. Anyhow, I just recieved this response to the DMC ad.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a response to your advertisement on Classifieds2000.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1981 Delorean Coupe, 44K miles, $13,000, VIN #4761, Delavan, WI
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello,

I have seen yr ad in here since Nov. I have also seen yr Pacer too.How badly do u need to get rid off your cars? By the way I noticed your overseas trip with wagner on Duce of Clubs....cool!

I know not who this person is but he's obviously sailed the Deuce seas. We here at Nationwide are extremely envious of your global influence and hope that someday we could rival your celebrity status.

Too much, too too much.

The Management wishes it to be known that it is in no way affiliated with Benito Mussolini.

-- Deuce of Clubs

Date: Mon, 01 Mar 1999
From: Royalmail
Subject: your site...

Greetings

Just came by your site again have been visiting it from time to time, well I was a little puzzled over that it didnt contain something..about..but here it came again...a visit to a strip club, well I don't know about you guys over there but it seems to me to be sick..those things described on your site, well I'm I finally glad to live in Sweden? maybe but I sure think those guys visiting the capstone are more normal than thoose watching stupid things in a strip club, why don't get married?

After all, good to see you again, hopefully Neal Frisby will be up with a site soon. God is great!

Best Regards,
Jonas

Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1999
From: Bethany

You really are a sick little primate.

*sigh*

After perusing your "stripper Bingo" pages, I kicked my ass around the block and back for not checking my email sooner. I missed an eventful evening indeed; and I could have even assisted you as a designated chauffeur, since I went back to my sober ways right after Burning Man last year. (No, that's not quite true, I did have some blue drinks last month in Hawaii-- they matched my hair.)

groove on-
love, Bethany

Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999
From: Lorne Covington
Subject: Hody do!

Hey there, just a quick note on Whip It! It is resting quietly in a bucolic setting, nestled between a black '61 Continental, a '74 LeSabre convertible (see www.mediadog.com/technocar/) and an Orange tree (and the oranges are ripe!). I just got the photos of the move back and will scan in a few for you. There has been a fair amount of rain here, but it seems to be handling it OK.

Let me know if you need to show it - I can put another pin in the distributor so folks can see it run (however briefly).

I hope to be heading out to the Orange Show in MediaLimo (or at least TropiCar) and would love to hook up en route.

Date: Wed, 24 Feb 1999
From: Olivia
Subject: Still funny after all these years . . .

Just thought I'd tell you-- I was rereading some of the MOJO stuff, and it's even funnier every time I read it. I just sit here laughing out loud and looking exceptionally foolish. Occasionally someone asks what I'm laughing about, and then THEY get to experience the joy of Deuceness.

Constantly striving to increase Wagner World Domination,
Livi

livi also sent along a scan of a book for the ongoing poem project "The Second Coming"

From: max
Subject: Stripper Bingo
Date: Mon, 22 Feb 1999

you know that part about the Mariah Carey stripper complimenting you on your "hair"? well - not to burst your bubble - but sometimes in places like that - the strippers will compliment you or make you believe they like you cuz they want tips

no DUH, max!

but who knows - hey I could be wrong - she might have "really" liked you, stranger things have happened!

puh-leez...

From: Billy
Subject: how i got here
Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999

hey man, nice site. i got here from the ring of fire. i dont think that the searches look for words in a site like that. plus i think you have to register with them before they can even pull your site up so dont worry about using those words.

the search engines do find all the pages, actually. they just follow all the links and then log all the words. link. logs. linkin' logs. search engines are like lincoln logs.

and hey, if they do find your site that way then mabey the'll read alittle about what its all about and it will shead some lite on the whole nudity thing alittle better. i am a nudist and i hate the fact that 90% of the people in the US look at nudity as a sexual thing. so let em look and see that its posible to be nekkid and not engaging in sex!

billy, billy, billy. put your clothes on!

From: azrel
Date: Mon, 15 Feb 1999
Subject: da car

you still havent gotten rid of whip it? Face it yr stuck with he (she).

From: Vladimir
Subject: Where is Wagner?
Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999

On the 9th page, i believe ( anyway, http://www.deuceofclubs.com/oracle/oj09.htm ), of the 'Oracular Journey' article, there is no Wagner at the second photograph. Please explain.

Yours sincerely,

Vladimir
Srdjan Dutina,
Belgrade, Europe.

wagner's stunt-statue was out sick that day, & wagner refused to be tossed into the air. instead, a stick was used. i don't know whether you've seen the film 2001: A Space Odyssey, where the apeman tosses the bone into the air & it turns into a spaceship? (it's not as weird as it sounds.) (wait; i guess it *is* as weird as it sounds.) well, that's pretty much what we were going for there.

it's good to see yugoslavia hasn't lost its sense of humor. thanks for writing,

From: Vladimir
Subject: Re: Re
Date: Fri, 19 Feb 1999

As a matter of fact, I did see the "Odyssey", a couple of times that is, and I understood what you were going for there.

I could say (but maybe I won't) that I like the site very much, especially the most recent 'Item of the Week' (tralala). I also collect notes that contain a substantial amount of ridicule in them. If you're interested, I can send scans of some of them, along with translations (most of them are in Serbian)... There are some very nice pieces, like the one from the county cemetery:

"Citizens are urged to leave the litter from their graves at the main gate. -- Cemetery management"

So if you want some of these, please let me know.

Also... I like the "Cockeye" number very much (the 'Sancho' part, that is) and I am very interested in obtaining the whole piece. (Maybe you noticed that I am writing in very formal English -- I assure you this is on purpose -- this digression has absolutely nothing to do with anything at all, actually :-)). As it is highly unlikely that I am going to find a Deadbolt disc or tape from anyone else I know, I was wondering if you could send it to me somehow (disc, tape, mp3, whatever suits you). As there are no real copyright laws around here, I won't tell anyone if you don't tell anyone. To illustrate what I just wrote about the laws, let's say that you can "buy" Photoshop 5, or Win98 or both, for around $2.00 :-). This also stands for legal companys, goverment offices... anyone can pirate anything without a thought of being prosecuted making the slightest possibility of crossing his mind (this sentence sounds wierd, I know, but you understand what I want to say). So anyway, pretty please, endulge my wish and send me "Cockeye".

Please note that the absence of Wagner in the photo I mentioned in the mail before should be considered a hapaxlegomenon of your web opus, and should be treated as such.

i actually know what that means. i used to teach greek -- just ask max, that little fact cost her a dollar last weekend (stripper bingo)

That's about it. Hope to hearing from you soon. (is this sentence ok?)

Good luck,
Vladimir

From: max
Subject: homey

I heard you have pneumonia, so I bought you some "stuff" for a care-package last weekend, it might take a while to get there - but I hope your feeling better, that seems to be going around!

I haven't been home practically the whole month of January, been house/animal sitting in Portland, should be home next week, have some other stuff there to include w/your "care package" maybe you should stay sick until you get my package - cuz then when it heals you - you'll feel obligated towards me, and I'll come up w/something really wretched for you to do for me!

I do hope your feeling better - ya bastard!

Date: Fri, 05 Feb 1999
From: Arielle G.
Subject: cherry clan

I have been SEARCHING for Cherry Clans for over a year now-where the hell can I find them?!?!?! Please help...

Thanks!

arielle, i hate to be the one to break it to you, but . . .

CHERRY CLAN IS NO MORE!!

sad, isn't it? ferrara-pan in its exceedingly finite wisdom decided to rename them "cherryheads." they don't realize that it's NOT THE SAME

this is an across-the-board shift. (e.g., alexander the grape is now "grapeheads," and so forth.)

it's such a sad thing. it will make me treasure my amy grant autographed cherry clan box all the more.

shall we all band together and protest to ferrara-pan, or what?

From: Kat
Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999
Subject: Ute Lemper

Hey!

I haven't quite figured out who you are yet,

?

but your interest in Ute Lemper interests me a lot. A few months ago I went Ute-searching on the net and found your interview w/ her. Then you posted info about it on utelemper.com and I decided to write and ask you how you got to do an interview with her,

i used to write articles & interviews for magazines. i had been listening to ute lemper for a number of years and when i heard she would be singing at USC, there was no way i was going to miss seeing the show (i live in arizona). i also thought it would be a good chance to interview her, so i proposed the idea to Planet Magazine (no longer published), and they gave the go-ahead, so i spoke to her by phone (she was in paris, as i think i noted in the interview).

what you do for a living,

writing & computer junk

and if you are German

no

or just interested in stuff like that (including Ute).

i guess that would be fair to say

I'm a regular at the utelemper.com and though the messages on the board are purely subjective I enjoy exchanging opinions with those people. It's like whenever someone has even the fogiest idea of what Ute is doing in the next hour, they rush to post it.

I'd really appreciate a response from you.

Thank you
Kat

From: Ken Angry
Subject: Tribulation 99 Picture Book
Date: Wed, 03 Feb 1999

Good God, man, who's this Wagner guy spattered all over yr. website?

and who's this ken angry guy? not kenneth anger using an unimaginative pseudonym, is it?

Sure is an ugly mofo. Really anemic looking, too. Seriously though, I love yr. site, 'specially those Dan Mannix book covers. I've been a rabid Mannix fan since I read History of Torture when I was eight. But, help me out here. I saw yr. Craig Baldwin article and ever since I've been figuring that yr. the man to tell me where in the burning hell I can finally get a copy of the Tribulation 99 cine-novel. Not the movie. I've got that already. Tell me, brother, how do I get that danged book? Amazon can't help me, man. I'm desperate.

i *would* have told you that you could get it from the WFMU catalog.

however, it appears that the catalog is no longer in operation.

lo siento,
deuce

From: BenNoah
Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999
Subject: Bible in the Hands of its creators?

I have tried to locate such book for years. Are you interested in selling the one you have?

lo siento, son of noah. i believe i'll hang onto mine. you might try checking the online used book services-- there are lots of them & w/patience one of them might be able to find you a copy.

best of luck,
deuce

Date: Tue, 02 Feb 1999
From: Judy
Subject: twain

Didn't Mark Twain say something like, "Wagner's music is a lot better than it sounds." My sentiments, exactly.

in fact, twain wrote an entire essay about his trip to bayreuth

But, I do like your site. In fact, I've spent hours reading most of it.

i hope you were at work

(I originally found it because of the Bisbee Mobile Home Motel which was featured on a travel program.) When the gloomy weather around here gets me down, I surf on over to see what's new in your world and maybe have a chuckle or two.

we endeavor to give chewing satisfaction

February 1st -- is that your birthday, or is that just how your day went -- "my day"? You have an interesting family. So do I. And, like you, I'm half Swedish (well, not quite half).

(actually, i'm 1/4 swedish)

Hope all's well with Wagner and you.

"Wagner's condition is a lot better than it looks."

Date: Thu, 04 Mar 1999
From: Raffi
Subject: alohuh?

will wagner ever die, he looks like he is in so much pain, he must be kevorked.

i must admit blue hawagner is very funny and you my friend are a nut. you are not normal

From: Chad
Subject: absolut vodka font
Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999

Hello, my name is Chad and I have been looking over the internet to try and find a font that somewhat looks like the one featured on the absolut adver. I ran across your page and noticed that you had make your own and the font looks the same. Is there anyway that I might be able to get that font from you or do you know where I might find such a font? I appreciate any help you can give me.

well, sir, the truth is that there is no font. or, rather, this font is called PHOTOSHOP.

what i mean is, that i cut & pasted letters from absolut ads. simple azzat.

From: Mark Simple
Subject: I was
Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999

going to yer site just now and the little bar at the bottom of the page said:

Deuce of Clubs: A Demon...

From: Timothy Hansen
Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1999
Subject: German

Wen sie mit diesem sonderbaren Durcheinander von Reise under Kulturfilm und von Liebesbeschichte zu fesseln suchen, ist ein Geheimnis, über das nachzudenken sich lohnt.

("Whom they expect to please with this curious mixture of travelogue, art documentary, and love story is a mystery worth pondering.")

This reminds me of my trip to the Middle East somehow.

For that matter, the same could be said for most of Deuce of Clubs....

Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1999
From: disturbed Bunny
Subject: re: get the fu#$&*@ sh#% away from my porch!

went to the deuce site.... read your door posterama and freaky response letter... dang are you thorough!!! If anybody knocked after that with a 'pitch' they otta get a good fast stream of hot urine on their lower third... unbelievable... I have a house right off Piedmont Ave. in Oakland (a foo foo shopping area) and we are swarmed with these types.... I am considering your info and am wondering...hmmm... "California Duck Hunters Club" official type BIG sticker in the door window and then a little bullseye around the doorbell, and a handwritten note in purple crayon VERY visable saying "If you didn't call, don't bother to knock... just QUACK!"... and maybe a plastic shotgun on the wall behind the door? dunno just thinkin' aloud...

Keep up the good work!!

how about hanging a plastic duck call from a string?

Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1999
From: mikael jorgensen

i love your site, and that nameless thing that you do.

keep up the good work!

Date: Thu, 14 Jan 1999
From: Teresa Campbell
Subject: offer on the whip it car

Dude. I will give you three pez heads (One is a Chewbacca....), an olympia beer neon sign (it WORKS!) and a 133mgh cyrex with 2, count em!, 2 gigs on the hard drive. That is my absolute final offer.....shaving cream can only move me so far.....os is, as always, optional......

i think i'm gonna have to sell the car instead of trade it -- i guess whip it! doesn't rate the computer i thought she did. i'm running a 75mh pentium right now & that's too slow, & i was hoping i could get a faster pentium. oh well. but danke for the offer

From: BR 549
Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1999
Subject: YOUVE GOT TO KIDDING, SO I WILL. I BID A DOLLAR, TWO NINETY EIGHT.

THOR gOD OF THUNDER ~~~~!!!!!!!!~~~

Babs