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From: Les Hostetler
Subject: Mandibular Excellence
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 1998

Mr. D.;

On behalf of myself, my former officemate Kelly and my current officemate Christine, I would like to inform you that you have secured a vaunted reputation in this room that supersedes that of any ordinary man. It began with Mojave Phone (hereafter "Phone"), which we have called (although to no avail) repeatedly after learning of its existence, and continues on with the fascinating -- nay, *inspiring* -- tale of your near-encounter with Ms. Grant's Mandible (hereafter "Mandible"). We took a secret ballot vote and unanimously agreed that we hereafter adopt you, Mr. Deuce, as our official Marketing-Communications Office "Mythical Figure/Folk Hero and Living Legend."

This will result in certain changes to the general goings-on here, including but not limited to:

*All involved changing given name to "Doc," "Phone" and "Mandible" respectively;

*Collective swearing that, in the event any individual or collection of individuals is within 100 miles of the Mojave desert or any of Ms. Grant's listed destinations, those individuals shall visit the Phone and/or Mandible in your honor;

hola "Doc," "phone," and "mandible":

i am honored. but i would have to say that the true Great Man is das Mann himself: richard wagner

may i just say without irony that i am truly gratified to hear that you have spent valuable work time trolling my site. what's your office like? this morning i filled a request for a weltanschauung-representing item to adorn the rec room of a loyal deuce of clubs reader. as your hero / legend, i might be persuaded to help you annoy your boss with a similar relic . . .

*Strike the former Marketing-Communications Office Mythical Figure/Folk Hero and Living Legend's (most recent: tie between Curly-Joe Derrida and Jacques Derrida) name from the official records;

i am glad to replace derrida (jacques, not joe), with whom wagner has deep and grievous philosophical differences!

*Continue to follow and marvel at your exploits and tales, as they are both informative and entertaining -- a rarity in an often inhospitable world.

like jeeves, we endeavor to give satisfaction.

Thank you for your time and attention to detail. --"Doc" (formerly, Les)

likewise, "Doc"

From: mikel
Date: Wed, 25 Nov 1998
Subject: Purple Knif Show


I'm a huge Cramps fan. Can you tell me what tracks are on this CD?

no cramps songs -- it's lux dj-ing.

my carpal tunnel would have prevented me from typing all the tracks, but luckily i already did that for someone in another e-mail a while back. so, i have now added the track list. i'm told the cd is available from cdnow, though it's quite expensive.

Date: Tue, 24 Nov 1998
From: Pete Glaser
Subject: Wallace & Ladmo's Greatest Hits

I am interested in getting the Wallace & Ladmo's Greatest Hits record. I saw the cover to it on your web page, do you know how I can get the record?

if you're in arizona -- specifically, phx or tucson -- you can find it fairly easily at used cd stores. zia is a good pick, because the late owner of zia's was the distributor and, i think, the issuer of the cd. so if your search fails, you could call impact records in tempe.

Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1998
From: Brody Culpepper
Organization: Bigrig Industries
Subject: Album pix

Not knowing ANYTHING about how to design a web page, I would be the last one on gods barren earth to tell you how to improve one. BUT, on your Whip It! E-Bay/Barter pages, you might want to include at least one picture of the Whipped Cream album cover. This would drive the point home to all the hardcore dumb-asses out there who can't conceptualize the idea of the car. You have no idea how many times at Burning Man I had to make people look at the albums pasted on the car right before their eyes to 'get' the whole thing.

Just a dumb idea, brought to you from your pals at:


Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1998
From: Philo Northrup
Subject: Re: disposition (disposal?) of whip it!

Trade Whip it for a PC . . . (I'm frowning and shaking my head) tsk tsk . . .

That's like trading your dog for a lawnmower, or your wife for magic beans. Be careful about karmic repercussions,

Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1998
Subject: Jamie Lee Curtis

It is my understanding that JLC is a hermaphrodite. It is a darn shame you couldn't have asked her what that's all about. And why she felt to need to gross audiences out all over the world out with her striptease in that movie with Arnie. ICK. For the record, let it be known that I am not a fan of JLC.

And that Hummer-thing-a-ma-bob, I bet you anything it was just a rental.


Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1998
From: Cliff Davis

i just read your piece on smart drugs. it's enjoyable to read intelligent writing -- what were you on?

Date: 20 Nov 98
From: Keith Ekiss

A friend of mine in Med school (Harvard Med school even, so gosh it must be true) tells me that Jamie Lee is actually a man, or at least biologically somewhere between a man and a woman. They used her as an example in some class. She cannot actually reproduce and her vagina is what they call a "blind end pocket." It's apparently quite small. Anyway, not that that matters! She's cool. It's just biologically interesting, that's all and there I go spreading rumors again like peanut butter.

Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1998
Subject: We need MORE CELEBRITIES for Wagner

We need MORE CELEBRITIES for Wagner.
REAL ones.

I want to help...REAL ones...
Mwa ha ha ha

From: Mark Simple
Subject: Licorice?
Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1998

Man, that Jamie Lee story rocked. It's funny, when I read "don't step on the baby" I thought "that's a funny sentence." Funny.

Although Jamie may have initially agreed to come back out, one of her handlers may have given her a little scare/suggestion in the opposite direction. Or maybe she lied. Or is it "he"?

Did you hear that doctor/professor(?) talk about this on Howard Stern just before Burning Man? He was talkin' all doctory-fancy about the condition, and how in class he teaches up-and-coming doctors about Jamie's condition (!).

Date: Thu, 19 Nov 1998
From: Jeff Winn
Subject: site in general


Your site is one of the first sites I ever bookmarked when I got a computer. I totally enjoyed the story about the phone booth, but I really just wanted it for future reference so that someday when I'm rich & free, I can make my own trek to the booth. Then I got worried: what if the site is taken down, I'd never be able to find the booth by myself..... So, should I start printing, or is it safe for another couple of years????????


i think deuce of clubs will be on the web for many years to come. it might or might not be at but a web search will, i believe, always turn up the mojave phone booth site.

and when you have a travel plan, i'll be glad to furnish concise directions to the booth.

Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1998
From: Remco van Hattum
Subject: lux interior album

Hey there,

Great site and I like the album recommendations.

The Purple Knif Show -- (Lux Interior) album is indeed a very hard to find French record. But maybe, if you do not mind cemmercial sites, you can attend your visitors that this album is available at CDNOW.COM (but the price is killing: 28 USD).

That's it,


Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1998
Subject: War-time etiquette
From: Gail E Wade

Came across this while reading Emily Post:

"There is however this warning which must be given: If someone does or says something that is against this country, the right and proper thing to do is to report the facts to the Government. Write a letter to the F. B. I. or to the Governor of your State, or the Mayor, or to the Sheriff of your township."


"A dinner menu prepared for men should, if possible, include a substantial meat course, preferably a roast."

There's nothing I like more than a good roast with my war-time slaughter!

Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1998
From: John Suchak

Well, there is for the first time ever, an Art CARnival this weekend.. Saw a cadillac called Circus Of The Absurd (know him?) on the way to work the other day... Smart money says that its only a matter of moments before the natives set upon him in a heresyphobic feeding frenzy. This *is* the South after all, and conformity is the name of the game.

But not for me.

And not for Slim. He lives like a warbling king out in the sticks south of the city, as one would expect of a man named Slim. Calls it the Melody Ranch or Yodel Gulch or something weird and self important like that. Still sports that moustache too. Pretty nice guy according to the old timers from work.

It seems that Jacksonville sings its sirens song for you and the Man in ever louder choruses, for the former, long time home of the 666 company is in fact lovely downtown Jacksonville. Apparently they demolished the factory to build the new Acosta Bridge. I'll bet you could find a bunch of folks who remember it.

Anyway, let us know if you and the Man decide to tour the bubba zone.. We'll make sure you see the best of it.

Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1998
From: Olivia Henderson
Subject: Slim Wagner

Just so you know, this is one of the most frightening things I've ever seen.

funny, that was almost exactly mark simple's comment.
(what he actually wrote was, "Slim Wagner scares the living sh** out of me." but, close enough)

It gives me nightmares. And my dreams about W are usually pretty good!


From: marguerite
Subject: exist dance records
Date: Wed, 11 Nov 1998


We're french producers and we're looking for the phone and the fax numbers of the Exist Dance Records label. The available information on their 1993's production is erroneous and we need to contact them for an artistic collaboration. I would very much appreciate if you could mail me these informations.

Many thanks.

strangely enough, one of the exist dance guys, tom chasteen, lives in arizona now, where i live. (see but i'm afraid i don't have any other info than that.


Date: Sat, 07 Nov 1998
From: Richard Neish

For your records, I ended up at your BM site following a pointer from Which pretty much describes what I've been doing for the last few hours.

Cool site, by the way,


From: Tom Andre Olsen
Subject: Anton LaVey-fan!!!! MORE INFORMATION ABOUT LAVEY!!!!
Date: Fri, 6 Nov 1998





:) :) :) :) :) :) :)

you're gonna have to ask someone else, tommy boy. try

Date: Mon, 2 Nov 1998
From: Olivia Henderson
Subject: rake buddies

". . . officers have begun to find "rake buddies" -- old toys found in the trash that are taped to their rakes. Lind said the number of rake buddies increases as the days pass."

Yet another entry for my father's upcoming book, "1001 Uses for Duct Tape." Who knew?

here's the really sick part: wagner has been offered a position as a rake buddy.
i kid you not.
but not even i am that base and jaded.

From: James
Date: Wed, 28 Oct 1998
Subject: Cherry Clan

Mr. D,

I've experianced some difficulty trying to find a store that stocks the ferrara pan assortment of halloween candy. Being a big fan of both cherry clan and alexander the grape, I would never be able to forgive myself if I didn't find it. Please point me in the right direction.

i would love to. but it seems that ferrara pan has seen fit to discontinue cherry clan. it is now called "cherryheads."
yep. lame.
i would suggest phoning ferrara pan. they're in illinois, i think.

From: southsioux
Date: Sat, 24 Oct 1998
Subject: Your Website

Hey, How is it going? Just stumbled accross your website. I did a search on the Osmonds for fun and came accross your piece on KOLOB and read through your website. I'm not sure what you are bout?

Want to invite you to my side of music,

Come to Johnny's Sugar shack in Los Angeles on 28 November 1998.

Ian Mitchell, formally of Bay City Rollers, will be playing with new Band, the Double Naught Spies (Brit slang for 007)

Come by and enjoy the show and meet all the wonderful Roller fans still crazy after all these years.

And you migh post something on your Website about the show, would be interesting to see your interpretation of the show.

Nice site, cute !


From: KAT
Date: Wed, 21 Oct 1998
Subject: Missive from Michigan

I was considering a trip to Salvation Mountain and your website popped up. I am truly hooked. Loved the Burning Man stories, the Art Cars, the Phone Booth, and most of all of course, Wagner!

Voted (by me) best site on the 'net.

If you ever to a Midwest trip, I can show you around West Michigan. We have, among other things, the most anal retentives per capita in the U.S. Sounds like fun, eh?

Any similarities between Cathy Bates and myself are purely coinicidental.

Love ya, mean it.

Grand Rapids, Michigan

Date: Tue, 20 Oct 1998
From: John Suchak
Subject: Deuce, funny motherfucker and now, media whore.


Did you know that you were prominently (well, semi-prominently) featured in the Folio Weekly??? ("North Florida's News and Entertainment Weekly"!) How utterly bizarre to open the paper over breakfast and find, of all things, a whole article about YOU! What gives man? You're getting more press than Janeane Garofalo for chrissake! What's next?!?

Weirder still, it was mostly pertaining to The Booth. I've always thought The Freedom Project to be much more compelling stuff, but hey, there's an ass for every toilet, eh? (BTW, where'd you get the cool font that you use for your snappy retorts in The Freedom Project section???)

Anyway, continued success on your now-obvious bid for Media Whoredom.

Oh yeah, I say Whip It must live on. To quote Hunter Thompson, "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." (Notice please the complete lack of a surrender option in that little pearl from the good doctor...) Slap a junkyard motor in that bitch and lather her the fuck up! Chevy 250's are a dime a dozen, you could do a rebuilt motor for way under a grand I'll bet. Maybe drop a nice small block in it just to expedite those long trips across the desert. I mean, c'mon, Whip It's a *thing* now.. There's no turning back.

From: Bob Helland
Subject: hochste lust
Date: Mon, 12 Oct 1998

My good man,

Congrats on the Mancow interview. I've not heard him, but he's big enough for Howard Stern to blast, so he must be someone.

Anyway, onward:

"hochste lust"

There are literally hundreds of German-English dictionaries on the web. All of them produce results when queried on the word "lust".

Unfortunately, they choke/bail on the word "hochste" or the term "hochste lust"....

I know the opera, but do not (unfortunately) know the translation.

Please....If you've got a minute in your busy world/mancow tour, drop me an email with the " of the story...". (Paul Harvey drop there.)

"hochste lust" ("highest bliss") = the final two words of tristan und isolde.

Again as always, any time W wants to return to Dallas/Ft. Worth, He's got a standing invite. (I know, I know, been here, done this, right..)

From: Hans Lienesch
Subject: A Personal Requezt From The Other Side Of The Topping Sopectrum
Date: Sat, 3 Oct 1998

Ah for love of the flavorful ubiquity of the tossed salad ergonomica... The eclectic ephemera of the spectrum that whipped topping brings to coldcuts. Ah, for I have seen the chosen few who have put this ambrosia on a sandwich betwixt bread and asunder pastrami! The flavor must be horrifying. I haven't the balls to find out...

From: Steve Richardson
Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998
Subject: Freedom Responses

I've certainly so far enjoyed reading your freedom responses from the various governments and your comments. The Francophone world certainly begs for ridicule!

I note that in your summary for Liechtenstein, you answered "no" to some items where the reply in the letter was "yes". Is this a matter of interpretation, or an inadvertent transcription error?

no. it is the way it is.

Date: Mon, 12 Oct 1998
From: Ms. Rusty Blazenhoff
Subject: [Fwd: El-Vez-O-Rama]

This is a message from Pat Fish. He is the lead singer of a band called "The Jazz Butcher Conspiracy." Hobbes and Little Jake are his cats.


From: Pat Fish
To: rusty
Subject: Re: El-Vez-O-Rama
Date: Mon, 12 Oct 1998


No WEB ETIQUETTE for me!!! no. no. no. no. no.
Have just returned from accompanying the posse on the Deadbolt/El Vez/Wagner
tour of SoCal. Most entertaining. It's always fine to see natives who think
the place is as mad as we do. Thanks for the tip.

Hope all is sick and weird at your house. I must break now, as I suspect that Hobbes is about to jump Little Jake and I don't want to mis the ensuing scrap...

The Stone

Date: Sun, 11 Oct 1998
Subject: Subtitles

The subtitle to your Kolob page should actually read "and it's not Doc's planet".

From: Hans Lienesch
Subject: A Personal Requezt From The Other Side Of The Topping Sopectrum
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 1998

Mr. Deuce;

We here at LienCorp International Pty. Ltd. would like to extend our warmest greetings. We have perused your enjoyable web page and came to one conclusion: while whipped cream is a scintillating wipped topping full of titllatrion, you can't really put it on a sandwich. I mean you can, but really now!

LienCorp International Pty. Ltd. proudly reconnoiters the realm of flavor oddities and since we have found your site to be a high hooly, please take a look at ours! Yes, this is a blatant attempt to get you to see our pages, but hey, I liked your pages so maybe you'll like ours!

haiirbaal bean the therd

Date: Sun, 20 Sep 1998
From: Kathy

So when we chatted a week or so ago and you were telling how Burning Man was, it didn't occur to you to say that your experience of it was cooler because you had SHAVED YOUR HEAD?


Date: Sun, 20 Sep 1998
From: Tony
Subject: Re: newstuff: how my head got shaved

No doubt the Burger King and the Denny's have GOT TO GO!

Last time I went through there (in July, [we always stop at the Wheel Inn]), I even went to the Burger King to complain to about their lousy business. The manager simply said something like, "Get off my back, I just work here". I let him know that still doesn't make it right.

By the way, I think W makes a great Big Boy!

Date: Thu, 17 Sep 98
From: Pussywillow
Subject: Reality Check.

Nice, I thought it was all a dream, but now I see that I really was a whore for a week covered with whipped cream and fondling Vaugner.

um . . . hello? it's WAGNER.
wagner's awfully touchy. but then again, the wagner in the photo is known as Fake Wagner. he's wagner's stand-in in cases like burning man, where wagner hadn't arrived yet. (he got there a day later.)

It's a great picture.
Thanks for not putting the OTHER girl up there.

you whipped cream chix better get along, Or NO MORE CREAM.


P.S. Let me know if you need a model for ArtCarWest! I might consider doing it again.

From: CSwannack
Date: Sun, 13 Sep 1998
Subject: trailer park trash

You're too much.

Date: Sun, 13 Sep 1998
From: Fish Rule the Sea
Subject: w00p


just curious as to whether the phone booth actually made it home with you.

Hope your burn went well, my head still hurts from those damned whipped cream apple shooters....


Date: Sun, 06 Sep 1998
Subject: what's up next?

be careful,
I share this computer with my genius, shy and yet still a virgin (don't tell him I said that) 16yr old.
Found your web site while looking for other non-rev's. I work for Delta! What can I see in the weeks to come? I'm leaving for Caracus and Margarita Island on Thursday. Have you ever been there? I enjoyed the tour of S.F. since I lived there with my ex-hubby for a total of 3 years. It was like a visit to a friend. I love that city. Hope to see more of your adventures soon!

From: Matt Dixon
Subject: how I got to your farrah page on your BM site
Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998

I ran a search for magic 8-ball and surfed over in a few hops. Great page, BTW see you at the man!!!

Matt Dixon
IT Thaumaturgist
Fluent Communications

Date: Wed, 02 Sep 1998
From: Patrick Ritchie
Subject: Your Farrah Page

You asked, I reply. I found the page you made, with the alternate spellings of those special'key' words by.....reading your entire site!!!!

Damn. Almost a whole afternoon shot to I"M calling the damn phone. I sure hope you got to see the Man this weekend, and aren't hanging around waiting for us BM dreamers to send you mail. I can't wait to read the latest. (Can you beleive I found your site just three days after the Mojave meeting - how did it go? I probably could have at least made *that*)

Great site. Very hip. You have a knack for posting the stuff that makes our web 'culture' truly different. Thanks man.

Date: Thu, 27 Aug 1998
From: Tom
Subject: Ferrara Pan Candies

I am trying to get in touch with the makers of "Atomic Fire Balls" do you have any contact information. I wonder why some candies are extremely hot and others are benign!


Date: Thu, 27 Aug 1998
From: Jamille Yasmine Borges
Subject: e-mail

Congratulations!!! Bye...

Jamille Borges (Brazil)

From: Peggy-HQ
Subject: Kolob - The Plan / Osmonds
Date: Wed, 26 Aug 1998

Not sure I have the right e-mail - are you the one that wrote the post about the album The Plan / Osmonds being so strange? It's one of my favorites for many years - I wondered what you found so strange about it?

Musically, the album takes a life from birth through their whole life including death and yes, you would have to be able to understand / view the album with somewhat of a spiritual heart, but it's so neat and even rather deep once you "get" it. I just wonder what you had found so strange about it. Kolob is a planet mentioned in the Book of Mormon (a companion book to the Bible). In fact, the planet upon which God dwells. Again, one would need to understand Mormon theology somewhat but just wondered why such a critical post on it.

it's not so much the album i find strange. it's mormonism i find strange.

Hey, thanks for replying. Actually, to be honest I thought Mormonism strange too :-) (until I really studied it honestly and sincerely) and didn't listen to all the misconceptions out there about it. I quickly learned it was one of the MOST logical religions there is and nothing the LDS church believes in is all that different from the other Christian churches; they just teach you a little MORE than most. I know only because I searched them all at one time. I respect your opinion, just wondered what was the reason behind the interesting comment on the album. I doubt people not of the LDS faith would truly understand the album - it's beautifully steeped in theology to be honest and so I guess I can somewhat understand your remarks. If you ever come to understand it better, you'll probably be amazed at the incredible intelligence behind the words to the songs.

In any case, I respect your "opinon" and uphold your right to it - just wish you perhaps hadn't been so quick to judge without maybe fully understanding it.

as i understand it, judaism, christianity, and islam all teach that there is, and can be, only one god. mormonism teaches that human beings can become gods. that's not more teaching; it's a contradiction. either of those teachings could be true, both could be wrong, but both cannot be true.

logic -- ya gotta love it.

this next message came in response to an e-mail i sent in support of the costco soulmate outlet store, which has been threatened by lawyers from costco.

Date: Wed, 26 Aug 1998
From: Wes Modes
Subject: Re: stand your costco ground, citizen!

Es possible I may just link to your page as a model for Costco of good corporate sportsmanship. If Costco launches their own page honoring me, I will be overjoyed.

I've long admired your site as well. Please have a good trip to the phone booth.

We'll see you on the playa.

Wes Modes
Owner and Proprietor,
The Spoon Cafe and Bar

oh man -- i recognized your cafe immediately. in fact, we were in peril of our lives there last year, when, after whip it! broke down, the new owner of roy's cafe threatened my pals daniel & ponyboygirlietoolshed with a gun in his waistband!

it's a small world. or at least, a small desert.

Date: Wed, 09 Sep 1998
From: K. Sherman

So, it was great to see you at the Burning man. I was particularly thrilled
on Sunday, right around dinner time, when I looked up over my mess
Kit across the Playa, your art car there in the background and,
Lo, there was Lori Petty coming up the dirt road, topless and all, wearing
those Tank Girl shorts, you know the ones I mean.

See ya there next year,

K. Sherman

From: Robin Chadwick
Subject: cool site
Date: Wed, 26 Aug 1998

found the farrah crap reading thru (some) of your site's email stuff -- found your site from Drew & Mike radio show out of Detroit (WRIF) -- they were talking to you on phone (or perhaps replaying conversation form time past) re the phone booth -- got to work and found your site -- i like it

trust the phone booth meeting will be great fun

vonnegut would love this shit too

Date: Tue, 25 Aug 1998
From: Fred
Subject: The Pitch: DeuceCam

Alright. We got whats-her-name doing JenniCam,

that would be "jenni," i presume

but that shit is just boring. Don't get me wrong, she seems like a nice enough lady, and smart to boot, but a mild case of depression may not be compelling enough for some people, and I'm one of them.

That's where you com in, see. With DeuceCam I envision a cornucopia of obsessions spilling into the camera. At 3AM, they see you wearing you mariachi outfit. At 0410, you're polishing your collection of Wagner statues. Two words: Cat Bowling. There's also that special sleeping apparatus of yours that hangs from the ceiling. Two hours of throwing crap at the television? They'd love it! The pizza man arrives at 7am, and afterward, a rather large garbage bag sits next to the front door for a day and a half.

Lemme know what you think. I mean, the authorities are watching you night and day anyway, so you might as well get some notoriety out of it.

Agent Hesby

Date: Wed, 16 Sep 1998
From: Olivia
Subject: the new ravers stuff

Or even better than deuce-cam: WagnerCam! I actually thought about that while he was here, but didn't have any access to a videocamera. Too bad, though.


From: zijlstra
Date: Wed, 26 Aug 1998
Subject: Winner Taco

Just read the critics about the Choco Taco. They are now marketing the same thing in Holland, only it is called a "Winner Taco".

"winner taco" -- does that make some kind of sense in dutch? because in english, it just sounds weird! i wonder why they would change the name? does holland already have another product called "choco taco"?

The name doesn't make sense, the word "winner" stems from English and has no other meaning in Dutch (or German, as far as I know). It also sounds weird, but because it is in English, the copywriters probably thought it would sound cool (which is good for an icecream). However, these kinds of things are not very rare; for example, the biggest record store in Holland is called "Free Record Store", although there is no record for free there.

I don't think there is such a thing as a choco taco in Holland. One explanation for the winner taco might be that the taco is not as popular her as in the USA. There are hardly any Taco Bell's here, although Mexican restaurants are present. The taco is, however, steadily overtaking the continent. Because of the fact that tacos are not as common knowledge here as they are in the USA, people might think that a choco taco is only a taco made of chocolate, to be filled by yourself with meat or other taco stuff (sounds quite revolting), and they don't connect it to icecream. Another explanation is that the name winner taco tested better with a Dutch and/or German testpanel.

Wilte Zijlstra

Another tidbit about Taco and Dutch:
Taco is a quite normal first name for a boy in Holland (although not very common). I think the name even dates back quite some time, because there are some 17th century painters with the name first name Taco.

From: Sliwinski, Eric M
Subject: Your Site
Date: Mon, 24 Aug 1998

I don't remember how I stumbled on your site, but I am glad I did. It is one of (if not the) most interesting sites on the internet. I know this is cheesy, but "Keep it up!"


Date: Fri, 14 Aug 1998
From: Rogers Cadenhead
Subject: You're the Cruel Site of the Day


Your page has been chosen as Cruel Site of the Day. The web is full of awards sites, but ours offers 50% more bitterness, self-loathing and unjustified anger than the leading brand. That's why 1,500 to 1,800 people with better things to do visit each business day.

Thanks for exposing cruelty, perpetrating cruelty, illustrating cruelty, examining cruelty, dealing with cruelty, or just for being you.

Your love is what keeps us going,
Rogers Cadenhead

P.S. Although has been around for two years, there has been a sudden epidemic of winners who think the award is an effort to insult them. This is not true -- sites are almost always chosen as a compliment. I learned my lesson when this girl who publishes a Tamagotchi site beat the crap out of me at Internet World '97.

Date: Fri, 14 Aug 1998
From: Wilte Zijlstra
Subject: choco taco

Just read the critics about the Choco Taco. They are now marketing the same thing in Holland, only it is called a "Winner Taco".

Date: Mon, 20 Jul 1998
From: Tim Suliman
Organization: FOX-2 Detroit

I almost forgot! While we were walking around the A2 [Ann Arbor - locale of University of Michigan and 100000 hippies] art fair, we ran across 'Politics Row' (my term) where all the booths for Fieger [Dr. Death's lawyer, who is now running for governor], Jews for Allah, Planned Yadda, etc. were. There was a Mormon booth, and I actually remembered your story about Kolob. I don't know if these cats were new to the gig, or Young Jungen, but the mention of Kolob was not a big deal. They said it was a planet where other people lived, but that the use by Nike was not offensive to them. In fact, they thought it was "Pretty cool." Only in Ann Arbor.

Date: Tue, 11 Aug 1998
From: KillerDark (Netherlands)
Subject: nice!

Just saying I liked your webside. It gave more value to my live.

From: Charlton
Date: Tue, 11 Aug 1998
Subject: harsh mistress

I happened across your site when a friend sent me a link to and you were the cruel site of the day. I like it.

I'd guess you've already read it, but if not you'd probably like The Moon is a Harsh Mistress by Robert Heinlein. It's about creating a sovereign nation. He has some interesting things to say about what govt.s should & should not be able to do, and how they should do them. Just thought you'd be interested in it.

thanks for the tip. i haven't read that book, but i have read heinlein's Take Back Your Government, which at this point reads like fiction, but isn't. i hope it will become non-fiction in the (near) future.

From: chainsaw
Subject: Your webpage...
Date: Tue, 11 Aug 1998

...It's great. I haven't even finished digging through all the bizarre stuff you've got up, but everything I've read is just... well, it's fascinating! I can't stop reading! You rock.

Date: Tue, 11 Aug 1998
From: John J. Peloquin
Organization: University of California
Subject: Where is a copy of your questionaire?

I saw a few of the responses you received from foreign governments, but nowhere do I see a copy of the questionaire you sent them.

you know, that's a good point. the questionnaire does appear; it's just buried within the responses. (see the dominican response, for example.) but i'll put a copy of the letter and the questionnaire on the main page.

Perhaps your survey instrument made you sound like a dangerous lunatic rather than head of a think tank and the responses given you by your targets were those they usually give to gently put off the nutballs?

that's a good point, too. and maybe they'd be right!

From: Dejawog
Date: Mon, 10 Aug 1998
Subject: t-shirt...

please, please, tell me where i can get a cool Shady Dell T-shirt, okay? I'm looking for a large, and it would be a cool anniversary prez for my hubby, along with our *new* 1962 airstream.....

here you'll find the address & phone number of the shady dell. perhaps they'll sell you a shirt via mail.

From: Kit Lo
Subject: Things I have thought of to write...
Date: Sun, 09 Aug 1998

Hmmm...let me see...

  1. I've read about Wagner, and all I can think of is as follows:
    "Wagner, I hope you get well. After all, Lori Petty licked and kissed you (which I wish would happen to me as well). Nobody's going to die here before Lori kisses and/or licks me! By then, you would've been fully recovered since a LONG time, right?"
  2. Are you expecting the little phone booth to be extremely busy during your little visit? I want to see if I can call in during the evening (as in the eastern time zone, that is).

    i really don't know how many people will appear at the booth or how many people will call. set your auto redial.
  3. While doing a internet-based hunt for any anything that has something to do with Ute Lemper, I got a recording of the song "Youkali." As a result, I should be getting a better recording of the song for my CD collection. What and where is a good CD of Ute performing the songs of Kurt Weill?

    "youkali" is my favorite weill song of all. you can find it on two of lemper's recordings: ute lemper sings kurt weill vol. 2 and ute lemper performs kurt weill, both on london records. a third cd is, of course, ute lemper sings kurt weill.
  4. Is a trip from Nevada to New York still feasible? As I said before, Bebe Neuwirth leaves the Broadway cast of "Chicago" in the 6th, and Ute will be ready in the 8th. I see myself capable of seeing the show in the Sunday afterwards, which is the 13th.

From: Michael Harris
Subject: The Expanding World Of Wagner
Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998

I think the current problem with Wagner's expansion could be one of the following:

  1. Too much airplane food on all of his world wide adventures.
  2. A natural molting process. The Wagner pupa sheds his current plaster chrysalis. From it will emerge a new Uber Wagner!
  3. An evil plot of Fake Wagner.
  4. (And the most likely reason) Traveling in planes that store him in compartments that are hot and/or unpressurized. The expanding foam has thousands of air bubbles (hence the lightness) that will expand when heated. And low air pressure might cause the air bubbles in the foam to expand when trying to equalize. I don't know if geographical altitude would cause this or not. I'm just guessing.

I thought your expanding foam repair was a great idea. I would have done the same. As far as cure goes, well I hope someone has a suggestion better than mine. The big problem will be eviscerating Wagner. Foam removal can be made easier with chemical solvents like gasoline or paint thinner. It will melt that foam like a Styrofoam cup. After that you might be able to glue him back together using an epoxy glue. But filling his void with something as light as the foam...hmmm. You could try silicon. But that will take oven curing. Plaster would be easy to fill him with but he would weigh a ton.

Or it just may be time to retire Wagner (God forbid!) and pass the torch to a new Wagner. Maybe one made of flame retardant ABS plastic.


Mike Harris

From: Russell Burnham
Subject: Choco Taco
Date: Tue, 4 Aug 1998

I read your article on the Choco Taco and thought that your outlook on name to food association is pretty stupid. Who cares about the name of the item - it's the taste that matters. The choco taco is one of the most delicious deserts that I have ever had. In fact, everyone that I know that's had one agrees that it is delicious. After reading your article, if someone was dumb enough to value your opinion, then they would never try one. But I'm sure that everyone has the same taste as you do right? There's nothing magic about people liking something that is actually good, unlike your article.

Date: Mon, 10 Aug 1998
From: Mark Simple
Subject: Chocohead

I read letter about the Choco Taco and thought that his outlook on name to food association was pretty stupid. Who cares about the taste of the item - it's the name, the semantic associations that the manufacturer is attempting to make - that matters. Take for example Frosty Paws ice cream treats. These do not taste that good, but the name KEEPS BRINGING ME BACK. In fact, everyone that I know that's had one agrees that the name is delicious. After reading his letter, if someone was dumb enough to value his opinion, then they would never try one, having been put off by the name. But I'm sure that everyone has the same taste as he does right? There's nothing magic about people liking something that is actually good, unlike his letter.

From: IiSKANKii
Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998
Subject: cherry clan

where can I get some info on how to support your cause?

thanks for your support. within the next few months there will be an announcement on my log page detailing the actions we will be taking to bring back Cherry Clan.

From: Loren Knapp
Subject: Thanks
Date: Sat, 1 Aug 1998

Just wanted you to know that Slim and I appreciate your linking us to your page and giving us access to more fans. Thank you.

From: Roxi
Date: Tue, 28 Jul 1998
Subject: Cherry Clan

I just have to say that Cherry Clan is the best! It's so great to find someone else who is equally, if not more, obsessed with them than I am.

I don't really have an interesting Cherry Clan story. I've just always liked them since I was old enough to ride bike to the nearby convenience to buy candy. I always bought 2 boxes of Cherry Clan, 2 boxs of Johnny Apple Treats, and 1 box of Lemonheads. Lemonheads are still sold all over but Cherry Clan are really hard to find here, and I haven't seen Johnny Apple Treats anywhere for a long time. I found your site by typing in "Cherry Clan" in a search engine. Why are you launching a protest drive?

oh, no! you mean i have to be the one to give you the bad news? it's so sad!

well, ok. r u sitting down?

here's the thing:


yep. it's true.

ok, that's only partly true -- at least by some people's standards. see, the thing is, they've renamed cherry clan. now it's called "cherryheads." they say it tastes the same. but i wouldn't know, because i won't eat any more until they change the name BACK!

it's part of a general ferrara-pan trend. e.g., there's no more alexander the grape. you guessed it: it's now grapeheads.

hence, the protest drive. but it will have to wait until after burning man 98 and art car westfest 98. and, of course, the return trip to the Mojave Phone Booth.

I will for sure join the protest. Cherryheads! That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of! What are these people thinking?! Someone high in the company is obviously on crack.

"high" . . . yes. buncha crackheads! hmm . . . lemonheads, cherryheads, grapeheads . . . i'm beginning to discern the origin of this "heads" theme . . .

I'm looking forward to your Cherry Clan page. I told several people about the "Cherryheads" thing and they all agree that it is the stupidest thing that they have ever heard.


From: Frylo
Date: Thu, 23 Jul 1998
Subject: how I found you

oddly enough I was trying to find any recent assaults on cherry growers here in Wa. The media has been having a field day presenting oppressed migrants living in hovels.I needed a break and your site piqued my curiosity. most irreverant thanks.

ps,can I come next year???

i'm assuming you mean to the mojave phone booth. if so, then you are welcome to join us.

Date: Mon, 20 Jul 1998
From: SoundStone
Subject: Greetings from SoundStone!!!

I recently visited your Ofra Haza site and want to explore the possibility of working with you to promote music on-line.

Our music-retail website offers the LARGEST selection of albums available on-line. The approach to CD sales is unique. We provide visitors with interesting and informative content from writers who are intelligent and entertaining (with just the proper degree of quirkiness). Check it out and tell us what you think.

If you are interested in linking with us so your visitors can come to to purchase music, please contact us or check out our Affiliate Network Program. The ANP is designed to compensate those websites that link with us. We will pay you up to 15% of sales revenue in CASH for every CD purchased at by a customer coming from your site. It's our way of creating an on-line music community and saying THANK YOU for linking! It is entirely up to you if you wish to join this Program and simply setting up a link is always an option. was recently selected as a Lycos Top 5% site and we had a huge write-up in the "Merchants & Marketing" section of the 1/17 Billboard (yeah!)

E-mail us with any questions you have. We hope to hear from you soon!

Keep on rockin' in the Web world,


yes, i do have a question for you, christopher: were you just BORN stupid, or did you get a government grant to develop your stupidity?

(and, btw, i don't have an ofra haza site)

Date: Fri, 17 Jul 1998
From: Brian Mallman
Subject: Ouch!! Your on my hair.

I've finally entered the 90's. I broke down and bought a computer(actually my parents bought it for me (i.e.Loser). Anyway, the first thing I did when I got on the wonderful world wide web was to try to find info on the Shady Dell trailer park,(I'm spending my honeymoon there) the next thing I know I'm inside this bazzar web site that just keeps going and going. I was hooked. I naturally assumed that the entire internet was this cool. IT'S NOT.

Oh well, I just wanted to drop ya a line and let ya know how much I enjoy reading yer stuff. I just wish that there was more stuff like it out on the web.

Date: Fri, 17 Jul 1998
From: Dan Blaker
Organization: Rally Boy Worldwide

Mr. D, I've found your writing to be consistently thought-provoking and amusing, even though I often disagree with your (for lack of a better description) Libertarian viewpoints. I just don't think people can be trusted to behave themselves in a truly free society, or at least not a free society as large as any nation or major city on the planet.

any society wherein people are not trusted to behave themselves is not a free society.

seems odd that people who cannot be trusted to behave themselves are to be trusted -- in the form of government -- with ordering the lives of other people?

consider this: did "people" deliberately and programmatically murder 170 million civilians in the twentieth century?

they did not. governments did that. therefore, who is it wiser to "trust to behave themselves" -- governments? or people?

Date: Fri, 17 Jul 1998
From: jordan
Organization: Magnum
Subject: Farrah

I found your sight by searching for anything about Farrah. Just wondering, what the hell is wrong with the girl.

From: DianeA
Date: Mon, 13 Jul 1998
Subject: astounded

Let me get this have a tangled web cult following, NY Times article, Swiss paper, you are going to lead a mass to the phone booth...... and you are actually letting people write about your life, including a peek into the interior of your abode......I am most confused. This is not the Doc I have known for 9 or maybe more years. Is stardom getting to you? Selling out? Or getting ready to disappear to a sh*t reading religion desert island? By the way I would kind of consider that phone booth thing.


Date: Mon, 13 Jul 1998
From: Aussie Meyer
Subject: Mmmmm... that's eddifyin'!

I'm really impressed with the Items, although I wonder how long you can keep it up.

you should see the inside of my place. believe me, at one item a week, it would be many years before i ran out.

All I have is vaseline jars from many lands, 'cause I get chapped lips when I travel. ¿Como se dice "chapped lips" en Español? Labias partidas!

Date: Fri, 10 Jul 1998
From: adrian ruyle
Subject: volks wagner

Just got Wagner VW back on the road, after 9 fallow months not spreading the gospel. Thought of you.

Also, I read about the cast lineup for the 1999 SF Ring, with James Morris reprising his Wotan.. Thought of you.

Met a guy, Jerry James, who says he is the co-inventor of the Burning Man. Apparently the other co-inventor ramrodded the idea to the spectacle it is today -- a godzilla sized pyre demanding its viewers apply through ticketron. Now Jerry plans to construct an original scale burning man on the evening before Labor Day, at the north (nude) end of Baker Beach in SF, and immolate it after sundown, in a sort of return to its roots. Wagner should see.

But I digress. Mainly wanted to say I checked your cardhouse site & found it interesting,stimulating, and whacky.

From: [anonymous by request]
Date: Sat, 11 Jul 1998
Subject: Neal Frisby

Yes, another person is searching for info on NF- Why? lets just say that I am a concerned family member of someone who is weak enough to be sucked into this fanatical belief system. What are the helipad rumors? Why was he arrested? Was he in prison or a mental institution? When the world has not ended in 5 years, are they going out into the desert to drink kool-aid? How concerned do I need to be? Is there any way if this is posted on raving critic that my name can be left off?. Although they smashed their computer (must of searched for NF and not liked what they found) I think my relative sneaks into the net when the spouse is not near...(risking the electrical demons that inhabit tvs and computers) and I would hate to be deemed evil and lose all contact (no matter how strange) with my relative... any info would be appreciated.

it's been a long time since i lived in that area, so i'm afraid i don't have any current information about frisby. i'd try calling churches in scottsdale to see if they've had any experience dealing with capstoners.

From: Kathkeane
Date: Wed, 8 Jul 1998
Subject: The language of tongues

I have just started cruising the web for information on the spiritual gift of tongues. I had the most unusual experience of having a friend speak in an old beautiful language and being able to interpret the message that she spoke - as if it were Spanish or French - but it wasn't. This was at a prayer meeting, and no alcohol was involved (just kidding). The whole event has changed my life -- but something in it was so BIG -- I have done lots of research at the public library/Christian book store to find out about this ANGELIC language -- any comments?

NOTE: I vaguely remember in one of Streiber's books (I think it was Transformation) that a Mr. Keane (no relation to me) mentioned this heavenly language -----

streiber was probably talking about the so-called "enochian" language. don't screw with it.

as for tongues, check the used bookshops for:
  • enthusiasm, by ronald knox
  • the psychology of speaking in tongues, by john p. kildahl
  • the modern tongues movement, by robert g. gromacki
  • i once spoke in tongues, by wayne a. robinson
  • war on the saints, by jesse penn-lewis

as for keane, perhaps it is the same keane who painted those big-eyed kids in the 60s & 70s.

or maybe just the goof who draws the abominable "family circus"

Date: Sun, 05 Jul 1998
From: Pete Forbes
Subject: Wagneraftic

I enjoyed, with much laughter, the river trip - seeing your feet straight up out of the brink was a sight. And those pants of yours - ho ho ha ha - what fun!

Hey was that Kristian Luce with your party? If so, I must contact him for the eyewitness account of this happening.

it was indeed mr. luce

Date: Sat, 04 Jul 1998
From: Jean Jensen
Subject: Hi

I found your site, or actually didn't find it through the Netsurfer Magazine, it said it was a bad URL, but I eventually found it.

I like your freedom fighter spirit, wish more people had the spirit.

Cute sense of humour and a good wit.

Thank you for enlivening the world.

J. Jensen

Date: Fri, 26 Jun 1998


you're calling my farrah page a "fried brain"?
hmm. you're not farrah's sister, are you?


for which i can take neither credit nor blame, since it's not my work.


i just *love* stupid people.
(then again, you *were* smart enough to figure out how to use the "caps lock" key.)


so where's your web site, goofball?

Date: Mon, 22 Jun 1998
From: glen
To: amygrant
Subject: lollipops & roses

thanks for an entertaining hour. i enjoyed the phone booth and mandible and the items so far.

glad you like the site. i hope you're at work.

the reason i write- i think i saw you naked.

i very much doubt that

after hours of hot dusty car travel, my 3 friends and i had finally found a way to drive onto the playa at burningman97 without paying,

if i'd known you were gate-crashers, i'd have run smack into you

and were suddenly starting to feel relief that we had made it, and excitement, with so much cool stuff walking around the rental van.

we stopped and just opened all the doors and windows of the van, and sat in the dust for a few minutes to let the rest of the stress evaporate. as we began idling along again with peaceful anticipatatory smiles, i saw a naked buy on a bike, which sported a Whipped Cream & Other Delights LP on the handlebars.

you were high. i wasn't naked, i was wearing a white jumpsuit.

with my newly hightened sense of delight, i shouted out the window to him, "Hey- I LOVE that record!", which, thanks to my dad, i did. the guy stopped the bike, and with one foot on a pedal, and one on the ground, yelled back, "Who doesn't?"

i didn't stop. "who doesn't?" is the standard answer i shout back over my shoulder when i don't wanna stop the bike. (it's kind of a pain to start & stop on the whipped cream bike)

was that you?

yeah, that was me.

that's one of the few memories i have of bm97. the rest were lost on the last night, when i konked my head really had in a trampoline accident about 30min before burn-time.

see what happens when you crash the gates?

i have that book, grapefruit. i love it. maybe the eno is the crappy one?

BZZZZZZT! incorrect. it's the eno book that's brilliant. but your affection for yoko computes.

how do you make money for food?

i work as a doctor. now, for rent, i make money by being a lawyer. and if i want to see a movie, i have to be a stockbroker. it's a complicated life i lead.

From: Tim Hansen
Subject: The Triumphant Return of You Know Who...
Date: Sat, 20 Jun 1998

Yes, Wagner is back in the U S of A, and my, has he seen some interesting things....

I'm waiting for Becky the Photomat Girl to finish my pictures...should be done Monday. Expect a full travelogue by the end of the week.

Also, W weathered the trip remarkably well, although I am not sure if he is all there (there's some tiny bits missing off the surface of his face-could have been missing since before I got him, could have been damaged when the Israeli customs agents at the Jordan border took him in the back and roughed him up a bit-true story!). Also, the intense heat of the Sahara Desert seems to have dried out his glue. I am looking into a Wagnerestoration before sending him on to Utah. A little glue, a little off-white spackle (I may even be able to fashion a new proboscis for the old boy!), and perhaps a new circle of felt for his bottom. (the black one's getting pretty ratty looking...I'm thinking classic green...)

Things Wagner has done outside of visiting the big pointy things in Egypt:

Visited the Treasury in Petra, Jordan. This famous ruin gained its fame when it starred as the Temple of the Holy Grail in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. The footage in the film was shot in the early morning, and we were there in the afternoon, so it's in the shade. Also, it is a five mile hike down difficult terrain through a narrow and very beautiful canyon called the siq (le siq, so chic...) So...Wagner went on his own crusade and came home with an overpriced kofia. (a kofia is the sort of hat that Yasser Arafat

Rode a boat across the actual Sea of Galilee.

Rode a glass-bottom boat in the Red Sea

Waded in the Dead Sea

Waded in the Jordan River (close to the site believed to be where John the Baptist baptized Jesus)

Visited the actual site of Megiddo, also known as Armageddon! ("ar" or "har" means hill in Hebrew) This city, at the anciently vital crossroads of the Via Maris and the King's Highway, has been destroyed and rebuilt by 25 different civilizations. Wagner is bent on making #26 his own.

Visited the best preserved Roman ruins in the world at Jerash, in Jordan.

Stayed with a nice family in the West Bank, where grand theft auto is as much a part of the culture as apricot jam! (another true story! Has to do with how I got my hands on a set of Palestinian license plates!!!) .

Went shopping in many bizarre bazaars, where they sell radios...and fruit!

Sampled wedding wine in Cana (Cana is the site where Jesus turned the water into wine)

Viewed the world famous Swiss Alps from the comfort of the Zurich Flughafen!

Hijacked a bus!

Got buried up to his neck in the sand on the shores of the Mediteranean Sea. Twice.

Was almost traded for a Turkish bong.

...and many other adventures/misadventures. About twenty rolls of film worth.

Watch this space for further developments.

Tim Hansen.

By the way, very interesting piece on Barry Goldwater. A fitting tribute, might I add.

Date: Mon, 15 Jun 1998
From: Pete Forbes
Subject: Brian Eno

hey i saw that book the other day (item 005) is it worth reading?, or is that the one that blows.........noko?

can there be any doubt that it is yoko who blows?

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