From: Poopy Fart Face
Subject: Poopy Fart Face
Date: 24 Apr 2006

I want to thank you so much for the "Poopy Fart Face" story. It has been a true PLEASURE for my family. At my expense.

no need to thank me, sis. what are little brothers for, after all?

From: Heather M.
Subject: Osmonds
Date: Sun, 16 Apr 2006

DoC,

The Osmond piece is genius.

gracias, gracias (though it may be the overarching osmond greatness that persuades you of that).

Love,
Hedy

[][][][][][][]
If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?

[sound of exploding head]

From: Lou Minatti
Subject: everyday miracles
Date: Tue, 11 Apr 2006

Are there any gnarly old rocks in your yard that DON'T look like Carl Hayden?

FYI: as you may know, sometime longtime arizona senator carl hayden is associated with many arizona "firsts," including arizona's very first plastic surgery. hayden's wish was that his face be altered to resemble, in the hardy arizona pioneer's own halting words, "every gnarly old rock in arizona" (in much the same way that after a later famous plastic surgery, winston churchill would resemble every wrinkled infant of england).

to answer your question, then, except for the god rock that fell from heaven and is now worshiped by many area residents: no.

...and who does that Godrock resemble? One-eyed Jack Williams?

no. only his eye. i know, because i met jack williams once at eleven-mile corner. i found his frosted glass a fascination.

Arizona has the distinction of producing some of the crabbiest mofos in the history of the planet -- Williams, Barry G., Evan Mecham, John Sage, J.D. Hainsworth. I'm sure you can add to the list. Dried-up, pinch-eyed poolside cowboys who would love to stomp a commie or queer to death with lizardskin boots. Not a drop of moisture in their souls, with mouths full of venomous spit. How come?

according to my copy of Webster's Annotated Prolegoman Towards a Definition of a Pronouncing Gazeteer, it's because: "It is deucedly hot here."

Jim Morton explained this to me years ago. It is obviously too hot for caucasian habitation.

and yet i, a caucasoid, doth dwell herein.
Q.E.D., j'accuse, &c., &c.

Eventually Aztlan will rise again, with bare-chested warriors riding giant sand lizards...

i am totally saving up for one of those.

..the other side of this equation, of course, is the velvet voice of Rex Allen Sr. unveiling the story of Pablo and the Dancing Chihuahua,who are forever running across the painted desert fleeing the peccaries into the arms of Mecham's car dealership, the John Birch Memorial Home of the Lemon...

one of good ol' rex's family members is a good friend of mine, who told me that a favorite prank of his was one he'd pull when on the phone in earshot of others. he'd wait for the other party to hang up and then, in that velvety disney-familiar voice of his spew out vile diatribes of hatred and bigotry. take THAT, eavesdroppers.

well, beats hearing him drone on and on about the traveling trials of a fucking chihuahua.

I detect irreverence here. Rex Sr. is a treasured memory of mine. He was the best a certain slice of America had to offer, possibly.

i could not agree more. plus, his museum in willcox (two Ls, por favor) has NUDIE SUITS

Rex Allen Sr.'s mouth WAS the painted desert, painted in pure golden and pastel tones.

now, there's the bacillus of a song right there.

Better than a fucking chuhuahua dog dancing on its hind legs as you toot on the sweet potato. Loveliness. So were his Love's Bar-B-Q TV commercials, wherein he talked about corn on the cob dripping with butter so sweetly, you could practically feel the butter dripping into your inner ear. Does his niece understand this?

possibly. although the concept "love's bar-b-q" is only faintly flickering among the neurons. love's truck stops, i get a much clearer picture of that. she's older than i am--actually, i don't know how old she is. approaching fifty, perhaps?--so she may know more about it. she does remember meeting, via her uncle rex, a lot of state fair acts in the 60s (the monkees, &c.).

Date: Mon, 10 Apr 2006
From: The Evolution Control Committee / TradeMark G.

Just was at a gallery opening with photomurals of various kitschy American locales; one was of Nauvoo, Illinois which I'd been wondering about for a while. It's where Joseph Smith and crew started their wacky morman shenanigans, but things didn't go so well and the ended up getting run out of town... and off they went to find Salt Lake City. The punchline at the show that I didn't know before (and don't see in the Wikipedia entry on Nauvoo) is that the morman exodus left a sort of political vacuum in the town which was promptly filled by the communists...! Would love to read more about that bit of history...

they originated in upstate new york, in the midst of what's now known as the communitarian movement, about which, the more one knows, the more clear it is that mormonism was fully a product of its (wackass) time and (wackass) place.

Date: Mon, 10 Apr 2006
From: jess

There was a bit in the New Yorker about the new Whipped Cream girl last week.

the cover girl doesn't compare to dolores erickson, but the remixes are mostly pretty good. heard 'em?

No, but could they possibly compare to the ECC's Whipped Cream Remixes?

oh, no, no, no. course not.
(weirdly, an email from him arrived exactly ten minutes after yours)

Off to check out the new stuff on the site. We don't get to evaluate you this semester, sadly, since I'm not teaching English 101. (Although my lit class has a major internet element, so maybe I'll sneak something in -- the analog web browser would be appropriate.

Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2006
From: Emily H.
Subject: city names!

I just thought I'd propose the city of George, Washington for your list. Also, an area outside of Spokane, WA recently incorporated under the name Spokane Valley, WA. Though that's not really that interesting. So, yeah, nevermind.

Anyways, thanks for the bit of amusement!

xx

From: Robb L.
Subject: My kid kicks ass
Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2006

Erika is in her room, listening to her CD player, singing along at considerable volume to Frank Black's "Pray for the Girls."

She knows every word.

hell, i learned the lyrics myself only last year. (rooster? there's a rooster?)

Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2006
From: neil k.
Subject: Salvia Wash

Hey Doc

Remember me? I was the goofball who was inspired by your site to attend the burn for the first time, and after my second burn I briefly stopped to help you on the side of the road with Whipit!

raising my hopes, however briefly. i remember it well.

Anyhow, thanks for about 10 years of kindred web presence. Now about the wash- I grew up in that area and have hiked every inch of it, not sure if I can name off al lthe canyons and stuff around there but I know that sage is very prevalent there, so maybe that canyon had a large amount of sage (aka Salvia) growing in the day.

i was hoping there might be a .00000001% chance that salvia divinorum had made its way up from south america in time to be enshrined in an american place name. yay for sort-of drug references.

Holy cow, are you nomading it in these parts?

occasionally but not currently.

Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2006
From: Kim S.
Subject: Salvia Wash

I don't know how Salvia Wash got it's name but when I saw the question I received a vision of two land speculators surveying the area: "Well Clem? Think of a name yet?" Well Zeke, that wash over yonder is full sage bushes. How bout Sage Wash?" "No good old buddy. There's a Sage Wash down near Sage Flats over where Sage Gulch drops into the Sage River." "Hmmm. Since all sage plants are salvia, how bout Salvia Wash?" "Yer awful edjamakated fer a land speculator but ok by me."

wow . . . it's like you were there

Date: Sun, 2 Apr 2006
From: Tim K.
Subject: Please add me to your updates mailing list

Hey there DOC -- rediscovered your web site today after a long absence, and it's just as excellent as I remember. Please put me on your mailing list for updates!

Date: Mon, 27 Mar 2006
From: Robb L.
Subject: My cleaning bill

I'm going to send you the cleaning bill for my shorts, pants, and the chair I was sitting in when I listened to Crazy Judy introducing her song. The guy in the next room at the hotel is still thumping on the wall for me to stop laughing.

Date: Fri, 24 Mar 2006
Subject: Hilarious
From: Pete F.

Wow -
She's funny!
Was she the quite little curly haired brunette VJ - looked like the girl next door, or am I mistaken?

you might be thinking of kennedy. no, karen duffy was the hot one.

Is the whole book this funny?

yeah, it really is. and the funny thing is that when she was a vj, i thought she was annoying. perhaps you remember janeane garofalo doing a perfect imitation of her on the ben stiller show.

Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2006
From: Michael Kronenwetter
Subject: terrorism books

I was really surprised to come across the comments about my War on Terrorism book for kids.

It was not intending to make readers so frightened by terrorism that they'd support, or even long for, the overreactions of too many governments, including the United States'. In fact, my intentions were essentially opposite to that.

As of the fact that the book on terrorism came before 9/11, why not? Terrorism has been going on in the world for centuries.

Anybody really interested in opinions about terrorism, they might like my adult book, Terrorism: A Guide to Events and Documents, which was published by Greenwood Press in 2004. It's introduction includes:

"In other words, we have gone from one extreme to the other -- from all but ignoring the terrorist threat to being obsessed by it...The reality is that terrorism is both a more ubiquitous phenomenon and a more limited threat than Americans now believe."

The authors of the documents contained in the book include the likes of Bin Laden, Bush, the United Nations, and the IRA.

Michael Kronenwetter

P.S. I am personally among those appalled by the United States' radical, cruel, and both militarist and merciless reactions to 9/11. Among other things, they have created a greater hostility to us throughout the world.

fair enough & true enough. good to hear from you again, mr. k.

Date: Fri, 03 Mar 2006
From: ingo s.
Subject: Miami, AZ

I thoroughly enjoyed looking over the pages and pages of pictures on your website. One in particular struck me as worth keeping for the future generations. That one is Miami, AZ. It struck me not because of its composition, nor the giant "M", but for the wonderfully low price of gasoline on the sign. I do remember prices being even lower than that, but even at $1.24 for diesel - it brought a strange nostalgic feeling in my wallet. Awesome site!

how sad it is that $1.24 per gallon now sounds cheap.

From: Mike
Subject: Enjoyed your trips
Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2006

I'm considering attending Burning Man and have been scrolling through all the web sites related to Burning Man. And I found your site. I have been pointing & clicking & laughing for days! Please allow me to share some of my expirences. First of all, I work in cold storage. An orange juce warehouse, where it's 29 degrees. So I am cold all the time and camping in the desert, in triple didgets sounds heavenly.

My best trip was to the Superstitions in October, 2003. When it was 102. I wanted to see the Lost Dutchman, but all the museams were closed. So I sat under my shade structure, near my ice chest for 2 days, reading all about the lost gold.

I went home by way of Sedona, Flagstaff. On the way to Grand Canyon, I stayed at this Flintstone's campground. It all looks like Bedrock. At the intersection of 180 & 64.

Situarted on historic 66, is Seligman. Where there is this place with old 50s cadalics and Elvis maniquins.

that's run by one of the delgadillo brothers (the other's the town barber). i hope he gave you the full practical joke treatment.

In 1978, I drove the hoodlum wagen on the Dimand A Ranch, just outside of Seligman.

Also on 66, is Oatmund. an old mineing town full of stores, full of tourist doodads and free roaming burros.

Perhaps, you and Wagner can check out these places on the way to Burning Man.

they're not really on the way to burning man for me, but i have been to them.

The next year, my shade structure got tore up by the winds in Death Valley. My plans to thaw under the sun were thwarted by a strong winter front that October.

I jumped the gun for summer and returned to Death Valley, the next June. Mahogony Flats is a wonderful place, at 8000 ft, a bit cold. Next I went to Mid Hill in Mojave, but got chased out by a forest fire.

I went on to Bullhead City, where I pitch my tent on the banks of the Colorado River. and bonded with the burros in Oatmund.

The phone booth story is hilarous, do you have any plans for more adventures in Mojove? Or in western Arizona?

my latest western arizona adventure was getting stuck in parker for three days on the way to burning man last year. that was enough mojave adventure for a while, i calculate.

I"d like to check out the Dumont Sand Dunes, on my next trip. Or maybe even (gasp) Burning Man. A month after Burning Man, the desert survivors go to the Black Rock Playa for their "Bikeing Man" campout, which sounds like fun too.

Well, I ejoyed your "award winning waste of time"..

thanks for stopping by

From: Ponyboy GirlieToolshed
Date: Mon, 13 Mar 2006

your donny and marie had me really laughing. Deep unto deep.

you may enjoy: incredible christian song demos

Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2006
From: Alex M.
Subject: What's this about Choco Tacos?

There. I keep reading that article over and over again. Every time I read it it seems like the author is insulting Choco Tacos. It seems like he's not aknowledging the fact that Choco Tacos are made of pure, concentrated awesome. That's probably why they're so fattening. That, or the fat, anyway. You'll also note that no where on that page does the phrase "totally friggin' sweet" or "I would give up my life for one" appear. A passing observer might think this author doesn't believe that Choco Tacos could kick his ass and the ass of his uncle. That just doesn't make sense.

Now, eleven years may have passed since that article was published, but someone needs to defend Choco Tacos. They can't defend themselves. They're just tacos. Made of chocolate. Let me lay a few Choco Tacoey facts on you, bub:

Choco Tacos were crafted in the Rennaisance by Danish physicists and were, incidentally, the greatest thing to come from that time period.

Archaologal evidence suggests that the Aztecs ate choco Tacos and that the tacos may have, at some point, saved them from Spanish conquistador invaders. However, once the Choco Tacos were eaten, the society was overthrown.

The human body needs to be at least .008% Choco Taco to survive. If you haven't eaten a Choco Taco and live it's most likely due to one of your ancestors eating a Choco Taco. The effect is hereditary.

So, next time you want to complain about food, don't complain about foods that kick more ass than a team of ass-kicking ass kickers. I hope you learned something and developed a new appreciation for other cultures.

May Choco Tacos be prevalent in your life,
-Alex

i'm still shocked at the love and devotion inspired by choco tacos. i still don't care for them, but i can, you know, re-spect the re-spect.

From: Elwin B.
Subject: "Rainbow Over the Range" School Children Extras
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 2006

Deuce,

My mother was a also one of the school children extras (5-yrs old) in the movie "Rainbow Over the Range." She remembers the balloon playing cowboy. She was born and raised in Prescott and has always wondered how to find out more about that movie. I have ordered a copy of the DVD, so we all look forward to watching it.

From: Kira M.
Subject: hm...
Date: Fri, 03 Feb 2006

hey, i stumbled across your site, and i just wanted to say...
I'M FROM SHOW LOW, TOO!

rep-ra-zizz-zent. &c.

because i'm guessing someone has to be from there to name the website "deuce of clubs".

correcto. i halfway expect show low's city council to try to snag the domain away from me one day.

and wouldn't you know it, last year they were doing roadwork and took the deuce sign down. it lay on the side of the road for about two weeks, and was the temptation of every high schooler in the town. sadly, no one stole it, and it went back up. sigh.

well, maybe show low hasn't had a high school long enough to develop the proper instincts yet. show low high schoolers used to have to be bused over to snowflake.

just a little trivia...
kira
representing the LOW!

do people call it "the LOW"? i hope so, i really do.

twos and clubs, DoC

Date: Thu, 2 Feb 2006
From: Jean

I went to the gathering place last week and gave the wagon master a box of cardboard to go to you in Phoenix. The wagon master said he will cross the border to a town called Novato.

no problem. lots of vatos here.

He hands over the boxes to be sent by aircraft or automobile to get their destination within seven days. That is amazing! Oh, the things I have seen in my lifetime. Like Betsey Clark's Precious Moments, Lucky Locket Kiddles and Avon soap on a rope. Anyway, I sent the box.

it has arrived. and oh, the fabulousness. i don't know HOW you do it. i really don't. i should make a documentary about your boxes o' wonder.

say . . . that's not a bad idea. think of the butter & egg industry recruiting possibilities. . . .

Thinking of butter and egg industry is all I think about, all any Petaluman thinks about, and any documentary that includes the butter and egg industry would captivate the populace. I'm sure of it. Narrated by a dancing cube of Clover-Stornetta butter would be fantastic!

also, of simon cowell, sarrahjane sez:

He was pretty cool to me, though. They filmed much more footage than was shown. They sent a camera crew to my bachelorette pad, drove around in my Lincoln with me, and filmed me rollerskating on the roof of the MGM parking garage. But they didn't have time to show the good stuff.

Shocking developments here today in Petaluma. The late Gene Benedetti's son Dan has advocated his succession to the Clover-Stornetta Dairy empire to his son Marcus Benedetti. I thought of that country called England. If the Queen dies and Prince Charles said he would give the throne to his son William, would their people be shocked? Well, who cares.

isn't that the way the oddsmakers are leaning?

I care that we are shocked. I saw Prince Charles and Camilla a couple months ago at Point Reyes, CA. They came to visit the Point Reyes organic farmers market. It was fun to see them and be a part of the cheering people. Marcos Benedetti has proclaimed he will double production capacity at the Clover processing plant. He also proclaimed he is expanding markets into Nevada and Arizona. You may be seeing Clo the Cow on your market shelves.

i. am. breathless.

I thought interesting on your website the book "Rancho Costa Nada". Thought I might get it directly from the author and saw his mom from Petaluma is handling orders for him! Saving postage on both ends I thought maybe I should go to her place and buy the book. Maybe not. But I will buy book because I want to read it and of course because his mom lives in Petaluma.

We have some land about 40 minutes from Sacramento, CA. Near Nevada City, CA. Went to Nevada City in December and walked into a real estate office to ask about land available for somebody who would like to build a house and retire near Nevada City. Office in a old building and the older guy working there talked about how pissed he was at ever changing bullshit building codes.

i'll bet he's related to me.

After we had pulled up some chairs and after awhile he said "I hope I haven't discouraged you from building on your land" and we said no we are aware of bullshit and the unfortunate exertion of combating some agency extorting money from us because they can and not for any logical reason.

a friend of mine out in the desert claims that as long as your building has no foundation, permits are not required. also, it makes it easier for the building to wash down a hillside in a light rain. you get on the news that way. everybody wins.

Subject: FW: [Tikievents] Faster Pussycat stars hit Phoenix
Date: Sun, 29 Jan 2006
From: Brody Culpepper

Doc,

hey! brody! bon soi, mothafucka!

Here's my last dream under the influence of Indian Curry: I ask you if you like musician Scott Walker. You say you do, especially his Gospel songs. You elaborate that it's not only his outstanding orchestration, but the conviction in his voice of his dedication to god.

I don't think that Scott Walker ever sang a gospel song, but I could be wrong.

maybe, maybe not, but the paper heart gallery is housed in a former church on skid row. gotta be the next best thing

Anyhow, I'm back from South Africa and thought the event below [Tura Satana, Haji, & Lori Williams in person at a screening of Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!] might be a good place for Wagner's Head to mingle.

oh, hell yeah. i've been wondering (paper heart gallery isn't shy about promotion) whether i'll be able to go. i'm going to bisbee on an art car caravan to harrod's new art car museum/reliquary down on the border, & i'm not sure i'll be back in time.

years ago i went to a small theater in tempe for a meet & greet with russ meyer, who was touring around showing faster pussycat. i can't remember why wagner wasn't with me. he must have been out of the country at the time, cos, DUHHHH

Dankie (as per Afrikaans)
- Brody.

really? they should do something about that

And here I thought of all people, you would be a Scott Walker fan. Anyhoo, It would be a tragedy if you and Wagner couldn't meet the cast of Faster Pussycat,

i met the master. RUSS master. that's right. uh-huh.

but I understand how important another boring and repetitive Art Car festival would trump such a chance.

as your therapist, i'm glad you're beginning to see things clearly now.

Oh, and I saw South Africa's only Art Car a few weeks back. Crazy kids.

Dankie,
- Brody.

P.S. - Were you actually in Waikiki, or was that just a good Photoshop job?

i was there. next time you're there, you can read for yourself the historical markers commemorating my visit

btw, have i mentioned that one of the funniest things i saw all year? you guys running from josh's under our barrage of almonds in the shell, with the cardhouse robot yelling to you, "YOU WERE RIGHT! YOU WERE RIGHT!"

From: Matt J.
Subject: THE MARK OF THE BEAST
Date: Sun, 29 Jan 2006

Dear Sirs,

I represent Monticello companies. . . . No, actually I really enjoyed your Satanic cough remedies lucubration

had to look that up. candlelight? i'm no honest abe no problem, neither was lincoln.

& have a schizophrenic rant movie (documentary) & album to send you. Please send a mailing address.
Ah yes; I also used to write for Rollerderby.

surely that was an adventure.

I wanted to interview Bronner of Bronner soap fame but never got around to it.

one day i was working the desk at the museum of jurassic technology and met a lovely person called sara lamm, who made a documentary about bronner. i'm not sure whether the experience maybe converted her. fortunately, she wasn't dressed as an essene.

Date: Wed, 25 Jan 2006
From: alex g.
Subject: IPspotting spotted doc

I don't know what the hell this means but somebody in co.uk has developed a useless software organism that analyzes your IP address and tells you stuff about it. Including what poker hand it forms. How?

"...looks up your IP address then runs a series of mathematic, coincidental, pattern finding, psychometric and just plain silly tests on it."

I had to try yours:

if that means something, i'm going to get all 'fraided.

From: David S.
Subject: 97 Art Car Parade
Date: Tue, 24 Jan 2006

I was just went through your '97 art car site. Great car, awesome Felicia, and excellent site.

That year our brand new oldies band played on a trailer. Your car was definitely the band favorite (we were the dorks eating the Barbasol; she, I mean the Barbasol, was delicious). You should have won something.

delicioso, de verdad

From: Robert H.
Subject: The All-Spanking Show
Date: Fri, 20 Jan 2006

I am a Mesa, Arizona resident. I had the pleasure of being able to view public access in AZ during the "golden era" of Biker Billy Cooks with Fire, Bob Baxter, Family Nudism, and the occasional mud wrestling clip.

ah, those were the days.

I happened to catch the second running of The All-Spanking Show and to this day I believe that is the single best thing ever aired on television. I tell everyone about it.

I came across your article "Spanking the monkeys: The brief but brilliant The All-Spanking Show" (First published in Planet Magazine, 18jul1995) while surfing.

I am writing you in hopes that you may be able to help me find a copy of the tape that aired. It would make my year to be able to finally show people what I am talking about.

i wish i still had the tape. i don't know what became of it. if it ever does turn up, i'll let you know.

btw, woody harper, the character behind the all-spanking show, my new chew toy, and other phoenix public access masterpieces, died a couple of years ago. i wish i had been able to meet him in person, rather than just talking to him over the phone.

Thanx

P.S. The fact that you wrote about this show has made me a regular reader.

good, good. plenty of weirdness, some of it local weirdness.

From: KSFRIOUX
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 2006
Subject: April March

Greetings,
I'm trying to find the name of a song that I think is by April March. Obviously I can't sing it by email, but I do recall seeing her singing it at some awards show dressed in a schoolgirl outfit.

Any ideas?

what sort of awards show is cool enough to have april march on it?

do you know any of the words?

Sorry, I don't have a clue about words (she was singing in french). I can't even be sure I recall the melody now or whether I've got it confused with some other tune. But I know I liked it.

I seem to remember her in that same outfit everytime I saw her singing it tho, like it was part of the act.

april march sings in french a lot. you might try contacting her via her website: aprilmarch.com
(that also comes up if you type in aprilmarch.com; i don't know what the deal is there).

Date: Mon, 9 Jan 2006
From: Jan B.
Subject: A note of thanks

I do like this site. It's so completely TO THE POINT.

not bad, for a site that prides itself on its pointlessness, no?

I mean, I was thinking just the other day about starting my own country and then came across your splendid article.

Thanks, man.
Jan B.

de nada. when does your country start accepting new citizens? this one's gone crazy.

Well, I still have to find a spot on earth to put it (bit of a problem, that). No government, no constitution. Citizenship by invitation. Entertaining anarchists only. No busybodies, no rules addicts. Them's the rules.

Ah, dreams!

If you and Wagner are fed up of your own country, you're quite welcome to come and live in mine.

From: Fingers
Date: Sat, 7 Jan 2006

Just read your interview with Gary Bear. What fun! I was thinking that CNN or Fox News should hire you as the correspondent who asks the tough questions, like: "What do you mean by under-service?" LOL

xx

Date: Fri, 6 Jan 2006
From: Christopher Metzler
Subject: Palm Springs Int'l Film Festival - John Waters & a Salton Sea documentary...

Hey there, DoC

Chris Metzler the Salton Sea documentary guy here and I hope all is well with you. It's been a while since we last spoke, but we finally finished the film and recently John Waters generously offered to narrate the film, so that of course put a smile to the face. We're premiering that new version in Palm Springs this coming weekend and I figured I'd pass the info along to you in case you felt like heading out the desert. Heck, maybe we can even grab a beer.

I've also just found out that Mary Bono will be at the Sunday screening and will talk after the film. This is very, very good.

Given this, we need to pack the place, so if you wouldn't mind helping spread the word and encourage people to come on out, that'd be great.

Cheers,
Chris

xx

From: Dan L.
Subject: generic fan mail
Date: Thu, 5 Jan 2006

Howdy! I've just been reading your Mojave Phone booth and Phone Swarm sites and I'm taken by your gentle demeanor and genuine interest in people. (Lorene, for example)

i just like desert folks, is all. but i gather you've discovered that phone swarm is run by the folks over at cardhouse. (that must be where you got the impression of "gentle demeanor"—i doubt anyone's ever said that about the d.o.c.)

The Internet can be an ugly place, but your sites are quite... well... endearing, sweet, genuine, clever, kindhearted - something - the opposite of Slashdot comments and MTV.

hope so.

So kudos to you and keep up the good work.

de nada y gracias.

I also loved what Mr. Casebier said, "Well, aren't you the one?!"
Priceless.

By the way, I don't think you have too much time on your hands.

clearly, right-thinking people are making a comeback.

Date: Wed, 4 Jan 2006
From: Jean
Subject: Whipped Cream Redo

The other day I was watching "The Insider" and saw the Herb Alpert Whipped Cream album. Herb Alpert is doing a recreation of the old album cover. The new model will have a whipped cream bikini. Herb Alpert said the old album cover was racy in its day. They showed part of the photo shoot with new model in her whipped cream bikini. Then model, Brea Condit, was interviewed. Excited about doing album cover, blah, blah, and shaving cream not whipped cream used to make bikini. The show reran the next day and I taped it.

Jean, Petaluma CA - best place in the world to live. In top 100 best places to live, Money Magazine, 2005. Not that we care about such things. We care about Petaluma. We are Petalumans.

hiya, jean

i'd definitely love to see any recreation of the whipped cream cover, but especially by The Man himself. if you have an easy way to transfer to dvd, that would rock, but vhs still works in this mellifluous melodious analog-i-ous world in which we still find ourselves living.

Subject: Amazing things you find searching the Internet
Date: Mon, 2 Jan 2006
From: Roger A.

Dude.

I was there. But not in that class.

were you in worden's class in another year?

My brother was in his class and he may related the story to me. It may have just been the talk of the school. It could also have been kept alive by Mr. Worden's active story-telling from year to year. If I recall, he may have used that incident as an example for future generations.

(btw, how'd you find that page? did you search for charles worden?)

I was searching for pictures from Coolidge Arizona on Yahoo Images. Several pages in, I found Mr. Worden and thought I needed to take a closer look. I actually found it sometime last spring while teaching a computer class in Scottsdale, then I rediscovered it recently when doing a similar lesson on search engines and thought I'd send you an email.

As far as I know, Mr. Worden is still living but retired.

last i heard, he was maybe out in valley farms.

I haven't heard recently. I would have heard if he'd passed away. If you remember Chalmers Johnson (the Doctor), he passed away a few months ago.

I even vaguely remember the incident with the pledge...

that'd be weird . . . maybe worden told it to subsequent classes?

I remember an incident involving the pledge when I was there... but maybe it wasn't Worden's class. It could have have been in Mrs. Burridge's (unholy hell) class, but I'm sure Mr. Worden was involved. Like I said above, the legend must have continued from year to year somehow.

but that was 1976... a long time ago. Everybody was up in patriotism for the BiCentennial.

I recognized Mr. Worden first, then I started looking at the two others in the picture.

worden used to live for a time at the moonlight motel, right there on az ave. he used to tell us whoppers sometimes.

Yeah. He was still living there when I was at North School. I remember he used to give out dill pickles as rewards and he walked everywhere.

once he claimed that he was a friend of sammi smith, that she had once lived in coolidge, and had written "help me make it through the night" while in coolidge, trying to kick heroin. i believed this for years, until i found out that "help me make it through the night" was written by kris kristofferson.

LOLOLOL. My brother was in his class and he related a number of stories over the years. I taught at Coolidge High School for 11 years (91-02) and developed a large repetoire of wierd stories myself. School buses shot at. Baseball field catching on fire and the whole campus suddenly smelling like pot. Kids changing the wrestling posters to "Real Men Play Trombone" instead of "wrestle". Massive power outtage a minute and a half before halftime of a home football game. Coolidge isn't like any other place on Earth. I still read the online version of the Examiner -- comes out every Wednesday (LOL)

I vaguely remember someone named Herbert... but not very well. He wasn't there long.

maybe ol' herbert will wander onto that web page one day & send an email.

Man, I do remember something about a new kid getting in trouble big time. Howard? Herbert? Harry? Harold? Something like that. It'd be an interesting discovery. Amazing how the memories of a community can become collective. I think the 'legend' of the incident may have been passed down from student body to student body. But I do have a recollection of, at least, the story.

Could you copy me that class picture?

unfortunately, a couple of months ago the box containing all my old photos got shut out in the rain, and so all my photos were destroyed.

P.S. I can't say I disagree with the political sentiment either.

herbert was all over his politics.

From: Diane
Date: Fri, 23 Dec 2005
Subject: Hi guys!!!

Hi...

Little Elvis Mama here...I just ran across the page you did on Little Elvis! That is so cool...cool beyond words! Just wanted to thank you for giving Little Elvis a spot like that! Again...Thank you,thank you very much.... lol

~hugs~
Diane

glad you like the page. how's little elvis? still doin' the clam?

Yeah...he's still goin' strong for "The King"...got a show coming up at Fort Irwin in Feb. Hope all is well with you all :)

Date: Tue, 20 Dec 2005
From: alex g.
Subject: GUTA

Dear God,

man. am i ever glad that song hardly ever comes on the radio any more.

My name is Alex G and I am a jr. cardhouse associate in-training in Minnesota.

does that come with epaulets?

I am just writing to thank you for dedicating yourself to providing general weirdness to the web for all of these years. I have spent quite some time exploring doc these last few days and enjoyed it tremendously even though I thought I had seen it all years ago.

de nada y danke.

Date: Sun, 18 Dec 2005
From: Alex C.
Subject: crazy question...

People like you fascinate me. I don't understand if you're just so intelligent that you have time to do whacky things like your website and fit in a successful carreer in *something*, or you're doing exactly what your parents were warned you not to do--nothing. I don't know, I don't know your parents, but that's what my parents told me and a lot of people that I've known most of my life.

I want a life like yours. Where I can do non-sensical things, drive out into the middle of nowhere and live a bohemian lifestyle. How do you do this? I want to be a bohemian. Maybe you have a carreer now and don't have time for bohemian pursuits. I love the Mojave Desert. I went there for the first time ever in 2004 and tried to figure out how to live out there. I couldn't.

it isn't easy and it's getting harder all the time.

Tell me, help me!! How do you decide to do crazy things on a whim?

i don't know that insanity is something one sets out to achieve. it just sort of befalls one.

What kind of work do you do that allows you this type of time?

whatever i can get that doesn't require that i piss into a cup.

which, as incisive minds have already divined, means: i am for hire.

I get two weeks of vacation a year and the rest of my time is spent studying and reading about work.

Help me Deuce, help me be a bohemian.

life is composed of trade-offs. what do you want most?

one thing you can do is ratchet down your needs/wants. the more bare-bones low you can go, the more freedom you will have.

p.s. I am an artist but I've always had bills to pay so I've always had a steady job. Do you?

i have, but not for some time now.

Most artists I know are about 20 to 50 thousand dollars in debt and don't care.

i've definitely been there (though thankfully not currently)

I'm not that deep in debt and care about making late payments. But because of this, I don't have a very creative life-style and have to crowd the freeways every morning and traverse 5 miles in 30 minutes.

sounds as though you live in an expensive place. you might consider moving to a cheaper one.

Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2005
From: Timothy G.
Subject: PEE WEE HERMAN COSTUME :-)

Hey man, I was reading what you did with the pee-wee costume, and you said they were going for a buck at the local outlets, well I just bought one a while back for nearly 20 off ebay, so the cost of them has gone up since Pee Wee did his thing! However, my was screwed up, it was cheap plastic, and it has melted a bit, so I was wondering if you, or any other Pee Wee fans had one that I could buy, or trade. I have his 1980's HBO special on VHS if anyone's interested. If ya want, I can send ya a picture from Halloween as me dressed as pee wee, minus the face, but i had the face and hair fixed to be similar.

Lemme know when ya get a chance, thanks a lot!!

i'm hanging on to mine. sorry, but pee wee is SACRED.

Date: Sat, 10 Dec 2005
From: Dave A.
Subject: re: "world, shut your mouth - french edition!"

Here is a slightly better english translation. And by "better", I mean "it's what they were thinking, not what they wrote".

Your (insignificant little) letter was well received by Mr. President of the French Republic. Charged to respond to you, I regret that I must be the one to make you aware that it is not possible to respond properly (with some sort of blunt instrument). In effect, you must understand (though your mind is small) that the load of such a charge (some such jiggawatts) doesn't permit the President to respond personally to every (paltry) demand identical to yours. You will agree with his highness' sentiments. (Or else.)

a rewarding career in the fast-paced field of international diplomacy awaits you, sir.

Date: Fri, 9 Dec 2005
From: FHM team of editors
Subject: FHM Greece request for high-resolution images

Dear Sir/Madam,

I represent the Greek edition of FHM magazine and I am writing to request one or more high resolution images of Prisbrey's Bottle Village (Simi Valley, CA).

These images are to be printed in a piece we're doing about curious buildings. Full credit and complete contact details will be given so that the readers can refer back to your website and/or company. Please send the images to this email along with any questions you might have regarding their use.

Yours faithfully,
Dimitris Athanasiadis

unfortunately, all of my photos were recently destroyed when they were stuck outside during a downpour. lo siento mucho. you have no idea how much, actually.

From: Lou Minatti
Date: Thu, 8 Dec 2005

I'd like to ask your considered opinion about a fascinating question.

Where are the chief vectors of inspired kookdom (IK) in this country? Lethbridge teaches us that lay lines of magnetic force crisscross the earth and affect human and trans-human phenomena in various ways. Where do YOU think the magnetic forces create the properly ripened mines that bring us the likes of a Leonard Knight or even a Mattoon Mad Gasser?

Your thoughts are appreciated

i'm not inclined to credit environmental causes. i think interesting individuals spring up mostly in spite of their surroundings, rather than because of them.

(of course, having been raised babdist, prejudices me vs. mystico-spirituality.)

it would be interesting, however, to catalog all known "incidences," let us say, and then see what the data might suggest.

(though, as with any hermeneutic, it would likely say more about the interpreters than the data.)

(apologies for the nordinian antiphonals.)

From: Ted Kennedy
Subject: Big Boy graveyard location
Date: Mon, 05 Dec 2005

Hello,

I was wondering if you knew the location of the Big Boy graveyard. I've heard it's in Warren. Any more clues?

Thanks,
Ted.

it's right over the bridge, there, ted, heh heh heh OOOF

From: Lou Minatti
Subject: A TOUCHING HOLIDAY STORY....
Date: Tue, 29 Nov 2005

TRUE:

JBS RIVERS AND I BROUGHT LEONARD KNIGHT A CAN OF PINK PAINT ON CHRISTMAS EVE, 1989!!

is that true?

i guess if one can't trust the label, what can one trust?

This story is, in fact, completely true. My friend Mr. Rivers and I visited the Slabs twice; the first time we met Leonard and saw his mountain to God. Leonard even played us a strange song about a girl who died in a car accident, strumming a guitar missing a string.

leonard's got some strange songs, no question about it.

He said he ended up at the Slabs when he crashed during a hot-air balloon flight. We believed implicitly. We still do.

the balloon story is kind of true. one time i took part in an effort to help leonard get the balloon in the air one last time before it went to the american visionary art museum (which really needs a better acronym). leonard was using this ridiculously inadequate wood-burning stove to try & fill it. turns out, if it'd gotten airborne, it would've been for the *first time*. it was way too large to be a practical hot-air balloon.

It was like meeting William Blake disguised as Harry Kemp or Jim Tully. Only in America, buddy.

Wow!
This changes EVERYTHING!

The Muggletonian Collection

i pride myself on my knowledge of radical apocalyptic, but i don't recall having heard of the muggletonians.

The Muggletonians are worth considering. Also the Douggletonians, a group I am starting.

duane gish, however, i saw once in person, debating dr. robert dietz. (who helped found the science of plate tectonics).

at the same university, i heard a lecture by charles johnson, the flat earth society founder. he almost convinced me. i should go back for another dose.

also: i don't see why the space program can't have been both true and a carny game.

This is one of the most brilliant observations I have seen/heard in some time. I agree completely. I commend you, sir!

From: Quirk
Subject: Bisbee
Date: Sat, 3 Dec 2005

Hello,

I've used your site as a travel guide for a couple road trips. Think of it as 'following Wagner.'

excellent. if you ever get a chance to go inside spaceship kenny's place in palm springs, i highly recommend it. these days he seems to be selling the tours.

Our next road trip will take us through (or very near) Bisbee. . . . If you know of cool things that we should see on our trip through, let me know.

i would recommend that you see the shady dell trailer park. it was built by a friend of mine, who sold it a year or two ago. it's near the traffic circle near lowell, between bisbee and warren (they're all close together -- you'll see on a map).

the buzzard tree is fun, except in december the buzzards are somewhere warmer. also: other sites of possible visitational interest.

if you have time to drive over to the chiricahua mountains, i highly recommend it. rattlesnake crafts is really fun to browse around, too.

I think we know some people in common. We spent Thanksgiving with Scott Beale. I think you may know him? Laughing Squid?

yep, i used to see scott at burning man. laughing squid's hosted deuceofclubs.com for quite a few years. i like that scott beale.

Date: Sat, 3 Dec 2005
From: Kerry K. (Tex)
Subject: Thank you....

...for ruining bowling, a wonderful sport where one can partake while both smoking AND drinking, for the rest of my life.

Add another thing to the list of things that I now need to be afraid of. UGH.

here to help.

From: Lona
Date: Tue, 15 Nov 2005
Subject: need info on luning nevada

hi, looking for info on lunning a restarant actualy, it looked run down when my mom and aunt stopped there but the lady who owned it, is into morgans and has some info i need to get from her, she gave mom and my aunt her name and phone and email but some how at one of their stops on the way home it got lost or blew out of the car
Can you help me?

i've only driven through luning. i used to stop at the long branch saloon, but on the way to burning man this year it looked to be closed for good (though with the long branch, it's hard to tell).