Legal Schmegal!
666 strikes back at D.o.C.
(Originally published in 1998)
The response to the 666 cough syrup piece had always been universally positive. Many thought I had made up the cough syrup—only one or two had ever heard of it. But nobody's feathers got ruffled—not even hardcore religious folks—until the lawyers at the newly-reorganized Monticello Companies laid eyes on it. (Monticello—hmm, wonder whether they have the permission of the Thomas Jefferson estate to use that name?) Here was their grammatically-challenged response:
Date: Fri, 24 Oct 1997 13:23:21 -0400
From: Paul K.
[Last name deleted by Doc, who isn't *completely* unaware of what's good for him]
Subject: 666 article
Deuce of Clubs,
I am writing to you on behalf of The Monticello Companies, Inc., manufactures of 666 band cold products. The Monticello Companies, Inc. has undergone a major change in management since the interaction you had with the company. While the 666 brand name does present some marketing challenges, it's has a long history and a strong brand recognition in
it's traditional markets.
The product name was very innocent in its origin. Eighty-nine years ago
Monticello first made a quinine medicine for high fever and malaria.
The first order was written on an order tab with the number 666. The
product worked. People asked for the product by its order number and it
started to be called "that 666 product". The name 666 stuck, and as
Monticello created more products, they also became part of the 666
family. It was not until about 15 years ago when the movie "The Omen"
was released, that the numbers by themselves came to have an evil
context. Monticello had not answered ten questions about the name
during the 70 years of its existence up until that point. However, it
was always Monticello's belief that the mark of the beast "666", was not
evil unless it was written on human skin. According to the bible, if
this number was put on your skin it would show you had given up your
Christianity and been marked for identification.
The new Monticello team takes its role very seriously. The quality
products they produce are priced well below nationally advertised
brands, thus providing high-quality products at large saving for their
consumers. Monticello counts heavily on the brand recognition it has
built and it's reputation for producing quality products. The
management team feels that articles like yours undermine their efforts,
and as so are requesting that you remove the page (and links) from your
site in addition to any other know on-line versions of the article. In
addition to undermining the product-line, the article also offended the
team, they have a lot of pride in the products, the company and the long
family history they represent.
If you would like, I could arrange to have a member of the management
team contact you to discuss this further. Please let me now if you have
any questions, and advise me of what action you'll be taking.
Thank you,
Paul K.
[Guy Who Apparently Wears the Lawyer Suit at 666 (Okay, I deleted the name.—Doc)]
Denizens of the net unanimously renounced the works of Satan and sided instead with the Constitution, beginning with this unsolicited parody of the 666 Lawyer letter, by Joe Ault (of joesplanet.com).
Mr. Cooley,
You'll be happy to know that the management team at The Monticello Companies, Inc. has arrived at the new brand names for The Products Formerly Known as 666. Please note the following updates to our product line:
* 666 Cold Preparation (tm) will now be known as Satan's Syrup (tm). Satan's Syrup will carry the slogan, "When you've got a Hell of a cough."(tm)
* Our new remedy formula for the discomfort of constipation will be known
as Lucifer's Laxative, carrying the slogan, "It'll scare the shit out of
you." (tm)
* Our new Consumer Pet Division will be entering the pet food market with the product, Cerberus Chow, carrying the slogan, "For the extra-hungry dog!" (tm)
We hope these changes will address the concerns you've raised.
Regards,
[Name deleted by Doc]
"No Relation to Ted Kaczynski" (tm)
P.S. We recently found a convenient copy of the U.S. Bill of Rights
http://Constitution.by.net/uSA/BillOfRights.html which seems to guarantee certain freedoms regarding free speech. We also heard from several of our lawyer pals that the Supreme Court has upheld the practice of parody as protected by the same document. Sorry about that whole cease and desist thing we "had goin' on" (as the young folks say) - boy, were we wrong!
© Deuce of Clubs
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