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Part 1:
666 prank offends

Part 2:
666 Complains

Part 3:
Doc responds

Part 4:
Netsters respond

Part 5:
666 CEO responds

Part 6:
666 booty

Part 7:
666 gallery


 

Legal Schmegal!
666 CEO Henry Dean Responds to Anti-Deuce Legal Cabal

by Deuce of Clubs

(Originally published in 1998)

 


Out of nowhere one day came this email, which purported to come from Monticello's CEO, Henry Dean:

From: The Prezz
Date: Sat, 7 Mar 1998 12:13:58 EST
To: Deuce of Clubs
Subject: Enjoying Your Web Page

Dear Doc,

I have enjoyed reading your web page for months. I have been wanting to write to you, but my attorneys have been having a heart attack over my sending you any correspondence. I deal with twenty two attorneys; tax, litigation, real estate, international law, trademark, FDA, and corporate attorneys to name a few. None of them have much of a sense of humor. Thus after duly noting and paying too much for their legal advice, I have decided to write to you anyway.

The young man who first wrote to you was Paul K., not by any means an attorney. Paul and his firm were responsible for putting our Company up on the Internet. He was very focused on creating a good site for us, and probably overly concerned about any negative publicity. When you called him an attorney I thought I was going to lose him. He was offended about being called an attorney, and could not understand how you could have attacked his "kind and respectful" plea to pull us off of your site.

At the same time Paul was starting to eat antacids over this matter, my real attorneys were flaring up. They tracked down your name, where you worked, and said we should immediately put a stop to this worldwide slander.

I decided that it was time for me to check out this site that was causing so much excitement.
I can't remember when I have laughed so much as when I reviewed your site and humor. I will certainly not authorize any of my attorneys to bother you. I have asked Paul to please not e-mail you anymore, since you will obviously chew him up and spit him out in a battle of humor.

I would like to set the record straight on a few points before I sign off. If you wish to put any links to our site, please feel free to do so. I agree that "any publicity is good as long as they spell your name correctly." We are working on making our 666 Cold Prep better tasting (adding a honey lemon flavor); it has always worked well, just not a product you take for the taste. We have modernized some of our packaging, and I will be happy to send you any samples you might want to try.

If you have any questions, feel free to send them to me along with a lock of your hair.

Take care and keep up the good work....

Henry E. Dean III
President & CEO
The Monticello Companies, Inc.

Of course, I had no way of knowing whether that e-mail actually came from the CEO of The Monticello Companies. I hoped it did, because it evinced an obvious sense of humor. There was nothing to do but send an email back & see whether proof of identity would be forthcoming.

Date: Mon, 09 Mar 1998 23:27:23
To: The Prezz
From: Deuce of Clubs
Subject: Re: Enjoying Your Web Page

hey prezz!

good to hear from you. or *somebody*—i'm going to have to assume, for now, that you are who you say you are. if you are, then i'd like to add your response to the site—i think people would like to see that you're good sports after all. if that's cool w/you, drop me a note on monticello letterhead to:

[address deleted]


Here is the next communication from "The Prezz," with my responses:

I have enjoyed reading your web page for months. I have been wanting to write to you, but my attorneys have been having a heart attack over my sending you any correspondence. I deal with twenty two attorneys; tax, litigation, real estate, international law, trademark, FDA, and corporate attorneys to name a few. None of them have much of a sense of humor.

why is that, anyway? do you think it would help if they were all to watch a few episodes of ally mcbeal? (i've often wondered: the clipped dilbert cartoons tacked up all over the walls of corporate cubicles everywhere must mean that we recognize the absurdities that seem to pervade corporate existence—yet, if we do recognize them, why do the absurdities continue? ten minute break to ponder...[ponder, ponder, ponder]. anyway, i'm glad to see that you have more common sense than the attorneys.)

Thus after duly noting and paying too much for their legal advice, I have decided to write to you anyway.

glad you did. let the lawyers sweat it for a change.

The young man who first wrote to you was Paul K., not by any means an attorney. Paul and his firm were responsible for putting our Company up on the Internet.

ah! that would explain a few things, such as why certain of monticello's web pages feature the same grammatical errors as paul's e-mail. (e.g., paul, amigo, it's is not the same as its. )

He was very focused on creating a good site for us,

to paul's credit, i must say your site's looking pretty spiff these days—& you can tell him i said so. (i'm sure it will mean the world to him.) i especially like the new FAQ. i knew i couldn't be the only person asking about the name 666. (btw, have you ever thought of changing the name to "555"—then you'd have only the phone company to contend with. as if they don't have lawyers.)

and probably overly concerned about any negative publicity. When you called him an attorney I thought I was going to lose him. He was offended about being called an attorney,

that may be the only thing he & i might agree on.

and could not understand how you could have attacked his "kind and respectful" plea to pull us off of your site. At the same time Paul was starting to eat antacids over this matter,

do you even make antacids? just wondering. if you did, you could maybe make some decent dough off nervous web developers.

my real attorneys were flaring up. They tracked down your real name, where you worked,

this is one of the parts that makes me doubt whether you really are henry dean. "real name"? names aren't real! and "where you worked"—i can't imagine what this might mean; i don't even have a real job. (i know, hard to believe, har.)

[Note to web readers: Monticello's lawyers had done a WHOIS search of cardhouse.com, which is where Deuce of Clubs was at that time housed, so they came up with info for Cardhouse magnate Mark Simple; see letter, further down the page.]

and said we should immediately put a stop to this worldwide slander. I decided that it was time for me to check out this site that was causing so much excitement. I can't remember when I have laughed so much as when I reviewed your site and humor.

danke. like jeeves, we endeavour to give satisfaction.

I will certainly not authorize any of my attorneys to bother you.
I have asked Paul to please not e-mail you anymore, since you will obviously chew him up and spit him out in battle of humor.

well, poor paul k...i mean, after all, last year must have been a tough one for him, what with his kinsman up there in idaho being arrested for being the unabomber & all. (wait—was that slanderous? oops! good thing paul *isn't* an attorney.)

I would like to set the record straight on a few points before I sign off.
If you wish to put any links to our site, please feel free to do so.

actually, the original piece has had a link to your site ever since the original e-mail from paul. in fact, there are two—i had to let my readers know about your amazing anti-smell stuff. that's great. if more people would use that, we could conserve a lot of water now thoughtlessly wasted on showers.

I agree that "any publicity is good as long as they spell your name correctly." We are working on making our 666 Cold Prep better tasting (adding a honey lemon flavor);

a friend of mine has requested a Cherry Clan flavor; maybe you could work something out with ferrara-pan.

it has always worked well, just not a product you take for the taste.

unless you're bill murray ("shouldna drank all that cough syrup this morning!"—stripes)

We have modernized some of our packaging,

now *that* i wasn't happy to see. why de-emphasize the 666 by spreading out the digits? i say, flaunt 'em!
i was relieved, however, to find the original style packaging on the shelves of the local walgreens. (i say "local"—but i actually had to drive all the way to a sun city walgreens to buy it. some brand-name loyalty, huh?)

and I will be happy to send you any samples you might want to try.

i will be happy to try any samples you might want to send! thanks! (especially ghost scent or black draught.)

"black draught!" now that has almost as strange a connotation as 666. i know, here we go again, but did you know that in hydraulics, a draught refers to the size of a hole for the flow of water? i wonder, then, whether the active ingredient of "black draught" isn't the name itself? 'cos i think if i were constipated, just the idea of a "black draught" would *scare* the &$%# out of me!

btw, your website says: "Our laxatives have been trusted by families for years, they are safe, effective, gentile, and always very reasonably priced." i'm reasonably sure that should say, *gentle*. you don't want to get involved in *another* religious dialogue, do you? (see, with deuceofclubs, you get not only correspondence, but free QA!)

If you have any questions, feel free to send them to me along with a lock of your hair.

has it come to that down there in florida? yikes! well, if you can forego the hair, i do have a couple of questions:

1) why the name "monticello companies"? (nice logo, by the way) what's the connection with jefferson? (he's a great favorite of mine.)

2) which one is you in the company photo ? (and does the photo include the person i spoke to on the phone?)

Take care and keep up the good work....

i shall do my level best!

hochste lust!
Doc

p.s.—if you're ever in AZ, let me know. in the spirit of bill murray, we'll get together & hoist a few bottles of 666!


A few days later, a letter turned up in my mailbox—Mr. Dean turned out to be for real. And turned out to have a sense of humor. Here's the letter a gracious Henry Dean sent:



A few days after I received the letter, my P.O. box was blessed with a Monticello BOX O FUN: Black Draught liquid laxative, Black Draught lax-senna tablets, Black Draught granulated senna laxative, and, coolest of all, GHOST SCENT!

© Deuce of Clubs


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