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Date: Thu, 31 Aug 2000
From: Agent Hesby
Subject: Not a condo

It is actually a rowhouse, which means I own the house and the land under it. I also consider it ironic that "Sign Person" himself has a problem with a dinky little private property sign in front of someone else's house. Perhaps I should replace it with my "Masonic Temple Parking Only" sign.

While you may claim that the hideous cat of unknown material was difficult to destroy, I have been somewhat successful in vaporizing it after repeatedly subjecting it to the full 36,000 BTU output of Santo, my new gas grill.

You should also know that Fake Wagner was resting on a marimba, not vibes. There is apparently a difference.

That is all,

Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2000
From: Vickie
Subject: Deadbolt book

How synchronistic, serendipitous, or synergistic...take your pick. As part of your goodie box I am sending you I have added one Dead Bolt book to its contents. I didn't even have to pay for it, as an employee here was dumping some of his books. The title caught my eye and I instantly thought "Deuce" (in the best "Harvey" voice imitation). Anyway, I still don't have a full box and well, by now you have probably got a ton coming your way, but you can add mine to the pile. :)


From: Charlie Monoxide
Subject: Bowel Movement 2000
Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2000

I just saw BM2000 plastered on the Life section of USA Today this week and it generated a serious D o'C flashback.

After reading your BM adventures over the past few years, I finally managed to get my wife to loosen her iron grip on my soul. She decided she could live without me on Labor Day Weekend 2000.

But as my luck would always have it, by the time I get a chance to do something cool, it moves into the suck zone. After reading about your experiences from last year, I decided that the best of it had already passed me by, so I won't be going. Kind sad isn't it?

yep. it sure does.

From: Brian S.
Subject: portland max and cupcake
Date: Sat, 26 Aug 2000

Been a while since I checked in .... the booths still gone though.
I whiled away a wet british summers afternoon enjoying the portland trip pages instead. Sheez there is some strange places and people over there in the states. And I should know. I've been there twice.

Anyway I felt as though I was there with you all on the portland trip , and gee, we had a great time didnt we all ? :)

Date: Fri, 25 Aug 2000
From: barbara t.

yo deuce,

where is the phoenix ensemble gonna be camped this year?


no burning man for us this year.

Date: Fri, 25 Aug 2000
From: Juan M.
Subject: Neal Pollack

I don't know if you're familiar with the online or print version of the very terrific McSweeney's. They are good people -- the people behind the defunct Might magazine -- and have brought forth a book by a funny man, Neal Pollack, entitled The Neal Pollack Anthology of American Literature.

OK: Mr. Pollack is going to be visiting Arizona in October -- I am sure he would love to be photographed with Wagner, but am just assuming --

wagner will be delighted to be there. we'll see what herr pollack thinks of it.

don't know how Wagner would feel about it as, granted, he is no Adrian of Blue Period. (Is it OK to feel jealous of a statue? Because I am. A little. That Adrian girl is stunning.


(And my best, as always, to both the Wagners, fake and original recipe.)


we agree with you that adrian is stunning. however, we disagree with you about the girl part.

D'oh! I'll chalk it up to androgeny and the poor resolution of my monitor.

whatever gets you through the night, juan

(But doesn't he, if one squints a little, looks a little like Shirley Manson from Garbage?)


Still pretty cool -- I don't think any of The New York Dolls ever managed to look that convincing.

definitely not david johansen

From: Robb
Subject: When worlds collide
Date: Fri, 25 Aug 2000

Just stumbled across the incredible jabbering head of Wagner, by the way. I couldn't stop laughing. Perhaps having gotten up at 5:00am this morning contributed to my giddiness.

Date: Mon, 21 Aug 2000
From: Adrian
Subject: me with Wagner...

Hey, thanks for the photo of me with Wagner! Do you realize that before you even sent me an e-mail about it, that three people had already alerted me to it? And they're ALL jealous! Ha!

Date: Sun, 20 Aug 2000
From: Candi Strecker

Hey, I had some free moments yesterday and had time to page thru the Portland travelogue. I was impressed by the enviable number of things you found to do there!

yeah, it was a blast & a half. and i didn't even take photos everywhere we went. (why? cos i must be stooopid or somethin')

I just spent 6 days in the Seattle area and I gotta say I hardly found enough to scrape together to fill an email. Sigh. I must be getting old and boring. Or else I've just been to Seattle too many times before and already discovered all the good stuff.

or you didn't go with max! max has a nose for fun, that's for sure

Anyway, my favorite part was the gypsy graves visit, combining as it did two of my all-time big interests, GYPSIES and CEMETERIES. What's the story with this? Are there lots of gypsy graves there, or just these few you photographed??

no, there was a whole section of gypsies. dead ones.

How did you hear about this?

cupcake knew about them.

Is this a place where lots of gypsies from all across the country go when they die??

good question.

Re: your ongoing ranting about Burning Man, there was an article on BM in the sunday SF Chronicle that made me think of you. Without flat-out saying so, the gist of it was how NORMAL it has become for locals here to go to Burning Man. Sheeeeesh. To quote an especially horrifying paragraph "San Francisco law firm Thelen Reid & Priest LLP will rent a 34-foot RV for attorneys attending Burning Man, as a business retreat and as client development. "It's like going to play golf or to the yacht club in a different generation," said intellectualy property lawyer Gil Silberman, 35, blah blah blah..." Lawyers in an RV! -- keep me away from there!!!

From: StarChaser_Tyger
Subject: Mention of Wagner
Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2000

Hi...thought you might be amused by mention of a new character class in Nethack, considering what the quest leader would be...

What about the quest? Leader would be someone called Wagner, and he sends the hero on his way to retrieve the Lost Notes, a spellbook of Wagner's, which includes his finest composings. On his way, hero would be granted with Lute of Astonishment, which of course would stun the monsters. Nemesis would be another Bard, fighting for success.

Date: Thu, 17 Aug 2000
From: Vickie

I laughed my ass off (literally! I am walking around with no ass! J/K) at Portland. Good job!

thanks. and sorry about your ass. maybe the site needs a disclaimer.

Date: Thu, 17 Aug 2000
From: jason b.
Subject: 666 Deli

Great site...been a regular visitor for about a year mostly because I'm from Tempe too (though now I live in NYC...yuck). I just noticed the address of the deli I always stop in in the mornings is 666 6th I'm scared to go there...pssst. I'll send you a scan of their take-out menu if you want more 666 paraphernalia.

one can never have enough 666 paraphernalia.

Date: Thu, 17 Aug 2000
From: Tony

I think you need to research whether the South Park guys ripped off the Happyland biscuit concept. I mean, it makes sense that Happyland biscuits have been around longer than South Park, doesn't it?

Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2000
From: javafish
Subject: meat shoes

enchanted forest sucks even more than thrillsville, you didn't miss much. it looks like the place in spinal tap where they do the free-form jazz thing as a trio.

wish I'd known you were at the highland games, I wasn't there but one of my best friends and her hubby were, they're hysterical people. her hubby has a kilt about as big as your huge jumpsuit.

we were there for about ten minutes

MAN I can't bleeve you went to henry ford's without me. wah!

we were there for about twenty minutes

this is an old photo of me singing with lloyd (that's his name, fyi), the 123- year old piano bar guy, too bad you can't see him too. I love henry ford's. did you look at the patio outside in the back where they hold weddings and stuff? there's another fountain and tiki stuff, I think, it's been a long time.

hung far lo's is great too, in fact I think I must have been there a day or so after the weekend you describe. don't get food there unless you're really drunk or really desperate.

we went for the t-shirt instead

p.s. you missed my birthday. fucker.

we don't do holidays.

Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2000
From: GS

No, the worst tattoo was a self tattoo done by an ex-con that I worked with at the station. It was simply a tattoo of the word peace. The problem was that he misspelled peace. I sure wish I had a picture of that.

we'd give you a dollar for it.

From: dj 'tine
Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2000
Subject: portland pix

really enjoyed the portland pix with fake wagner... especially the asian candies...

i hope my trip to scandanavia with oobi can match them...

i leave in 3 days.. yippeee!

later daddy-0,

From: Magnetic Missy
Subject: enjoying portland *very* much
Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2000

i am *loving* the trip to portland. you seem to have been in rare form when you wrote it.

think so?

YES!!! deuce, do you not realize how damn funny you are?

very nice. so far i particularly enjoyed Psychic Moment #1 and the copious amounts of sugar-products in just the first few pages. btw that packaging of the candy is just *wrong*. i love it.

i love how abusive max is to you. it warms my little heart.

she will be gratified to hear that. yep. max is all about deuce abuse.

again i feel compelled to mention the sexual nature of the food-packaging scheme / theme

deuce? "monkeys wanna be naked"? you're the best!

shadow positioning a big loaf of bread? you are truly a freak.

"DING DONG THIS GIFT IS UGLY" possibly my favorite portland phrase.

mine, too. (that, and "back to the spoon!")

i am chuckling at the thought of it. i've been holding things up all day and repeating the phrase.

mmmm ... gingerbread ... but gingerbread waffles? this i must try. sans marshmallow sauce. maybe with molasses. that's what i usually eat on my pannycakes, etc.

WHERE ARE THE RIOT HELMETS?! i wanted to see 'em on y'all at the protest!

it was too hot to wear them. and they were full of gunk. i still have to clean mine

2nd favorite quote, "mt. hood, which has not blown up yet."

Q: the whole SCH is only a *model*? does frances live in it?

she has the model inside the SCH. she does live in the SCH; it just doesn't work

i don't think i want a self-cleaning house if it just blasts all my stuff with water. and cellophane? fuck that! p.s. that is a crazy autograph frances has.

Q: does the magic garden feature asian girls only?

you'd have to ask biggs & tom. i didn't go.

i wouldn't have thought you did, unless there was something besides naked ladies going on there.

re kennedy school. there's a great movie theatre in oakland,CA where i first saw _the house of yes_ that has couches to lay on, they serve pizza and beer while you watch your movie. i love it.

where *is* the knife in the Monte Cristo shot? i can't find it!!!

the knife is holding the sandwich together -- it's plunged in to the hilt, from the top

3rd favorite quote, re the octopus. "i wanted ma to cut the shirt off of me, but she wouldn't do it and it had to come over the head. yay!"

portland seems to have a phallic signage theme going on. disturbing.

i [heart] abusing mechanics!!!


Date: Mon, 14 Aug 2000
From: Vickie
Subject: SINECURE??

Deuce, my man!

Ok...I read the rant and am inquiring, but a search of the word sinecure just brings more questions...According to old Oxford-English a sinecure=An ecclesiastical benefice without cure of souls. Ok, now that's a little deep and makes a person pause to really grasp said definition. Is that really what you want??? An ecclesiastical benefice without cure of souls?

we meant sinecure in the secondary sense of the word:

"any office or position that brings profit or advantage without involving much work, responsibility, etc."

Anyway, thanks for the new word. Perhaps a new feature should be a word of the day???

well, o.e.d. and merriam-webster have already beat us to that punch bowl

From: Buzz M.
Date: Thu, 10 Aug 2000

Do you guys really exist?

yes. yes, we do.

I can't believe this. Someone actually "lives" in Show Low.

we're sure someone does. we, however, do not.

We just moved out of there a year and a half ago, lived out in Cheney Ranch for about a year. Oh well, back to the place of my birth.......or at least my rearing. I don't think Tom Wolf new what he was talking about when he said "You can't go home again." Hell, I did,,,,,,,but it does kinda suck.

I found your site while looking for info on Jim Kweskin.

From: Kathleen
Date Wed, 9 Aug 2000

it wasn't until I moved to Maryland that I found out I really, really hate snow. I mean, moving from a world where we'd have white Halloweens to a world where they get one really bad snowstorm a season and everybody stays home because the driving's horrendous was just amazing.

Maryland's about as far south as I ever intend to go, though, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with culture clash. I visited some friends in Virginia and discovered they have headlights on their lawnmowers, and not just the riding kind. When I asked why, I was told it was because it gets too hot to mow the lawn during the day and they have to do it at night, so they need the lights. That was all I needed to know! The world is flat and ends at the Potomoc as far as I'm concerned. Crabs should be boiled, not people.

Date: Tue, 8 Aug 2000
From: Miss Amelia G.
Subject: something i learned

I don't really know why I want to tell you this, other than you might find it an interesting conversation starter at cocktail parties/barbeques/bar mitzvahs- or any social functions you may be attending in the future.

So anyways, I recently went on a language program to Iceland and one thing I learned is that the Icelandic word for butter is "smjör" (in case my email system doesn't translate, that's an o-umlaut, pronounced "smyur"), which, literally translated, means "smear". Makes sense, because there probably wasn't much else to spread on bread back in the viking days. I'll have some smear, please.

love that sentence. except we can't imagine a viking saying, "please"

Ok, but that's not all I learned. So I asked my teacher what the word is for peanut butter and she responded "náttasmjör" (pronouced now-tahsmyur), which, literally translated, means "nut-smear".

do you think there are any jars of icelandic nut-smear that have the words "nut smear" (in english) on them?
(booth glass to the first person who sends us a genuine "nut smear" jar)

let's name our first child "nut-smear"

Kinda makes you cringe, eh?

~amelia g.

P.S. an almost-haiku:

Our A/C is broke
Consequently, we are sweaty
and irritable


Date: Mon, 07 Aug 2000
From: Gila Mon
Subject: Oh, and another thing

At the bottom of your home page there is a pic called ana.gif. I took the cue from Proof: Bill Gates is from outer space:

["Welcome aboard" as filtered through Microsoft's "Symbol" font, which transliterates English characters into Greek. (If you're using MS-Windows, try the experiment for yourself.)"]

I then applied the Symbol font and deciphered the letters


Is it like supercalifragalisticexpialidocious or like The Omega Code?

yes. exactly like that. er, no. no. it is regular old greek.

the name of the graphic is a clue to its origin.

(no, it is not from the anabasis)

Date: Sat, 05 Aug 2000
From: Jeff

Just had to send you an email to tell you how much I have enjoyed (am enjoying?) your website(s) even though It made me wait until all the fast food shops were closed and I had to cook for myself. (not a pleasant thing) I have spent several hours trying to absorb it all. (this thing goes on and on doesn't it?)

wide have we cast our Net

I have also been accused of having too much free time. Being an insomniac, this is of course the case. I live too much in a short amount of time. It kind of sucks. The plus side is, I have a lot of hobbies (toys) to help me pass the time.

I notice you call yourself a hermit. What do you mean by this? You obviously lead a much more interesting life than I would expect from a hermit. Hermits are also generally unwashed and have beards they can walk on. Many don't talk.

you have watched the life of brian too many times.

Still bouncing around in your site. Can't seem to leave. Everywhere I look there is something else interesting to see!

yep. we have spent a great deal of our threescore & ten on this site

Anyway, keep up the entertainment. I need lots of it.

there are no plans at this point to cease operations

From: StarChaser
Subject: The Sign, and Jehova's Witlesses
Date: Thu, 03 Aug 2000

Ahoy-hoy...Killing time while being paid...happened across the Sign and the desperate attempt of the Jehova's Witless to do it anyway...At least he actually read it, and paid attention...this shows much more cleverness than I have generally observed in the breed.

Date: Thu, 3 Aug 2000
From: Vickie
Subject: Another evening of wasted money

Mein Mann Godfried!

Here I am sitting perusing your site (AGAIN!) and wasting the state's money! Isn't that nice?!?! Nonetheless, I am going to send you a little care package of junk (including the agreed upon shaker o' Twang!) tomorrow.

I wanted to mention that I also tried that ORBITZ drink a while ago. I found that it made a really good mixer for alcohol, believe it or not! What the hell were those little balls?!!?!?!? (Some kind of experiment that Canada was trying, no doubt.)

Sorry to hear about your car. Sucks when that happens. I have a long story about a car breakdown that went from bad to the worst! If ya want to hear it I'll tell it sometime. I guess I don't have anything real to say, other than I am bored. Take care and hope you enjoy the package!

Another cheery message from
Vickie from Austin

Date: Thu, 3 Aug 2000
From: Vickie
Subject: One more thing!


I think you should add this phrase "Komm mir nie wieder ins Haus" to your sign outside. I found it while trying to look up "my" in German.

Keeping the faith! ("deuceism")

Date: Sun, 30 Jul 2000
From: Luke W.
Subject: Read Your Sign

Hi Deuce,

Do you think it is possible to have a true sense of online community?

It seems that you have mastered the roles of many different parts. I am just looking to for you to interpret one scene.

A group of professional friends and myself are in the planning stages on building a nonprofit foundation. Our idea is to help develop and promote organizations and individuals that make the connection of using the web for selfless reasons.

This has been a 5 year road for me. If you have some suggestions please let know. It is late here. I am going to bed. Easy Take


P.S. I am not a Jehovah's Witnesses. But, I feel that I have to be slightly spiritually insane to carry such a large dream )

"If a blind man can vision what is on the horizon, then he can truly see." Paraphrased from a movie...

we haven't the slightest clue what you're talking about. have you?

From: David F.
Date: Thu, 27 Jul 2000

A great site. A big site. Im still peeking in all the corners. I dont have anything to send or barter (yet). But let me know about any updates, and, if you could, answer this question:

What exactly was the Stanford Axe Recovery of 1930?

[see bottom of home page. -- ed.]

The name Don Kropp sounds familiar, and your quote has rung some distant bell buried deep within my storehouse of arcane and moot historical topics.

the story is told in if at all possible, involve a cow, by neil steinberg: "Perhaps the most sublime tale of a stolen school idol is the theft and glorious recovery of the Stanford Axe. It is a story treasured at Stanford." don't want to spoil the story for you. get the book. you'll love it.

From: Liz
Date: Wed, 26 Jul 2000
Subject: None, really

I'm sitting at work, bored as hell,

that makes two of us

and thought I'd write (boredom apparently makes me bite my fingernails, stare, and contact people I do not know -- although not necessarily in that order).

"we're number three! we're number three!"

I actually sketched my tape dispenser earlier today.

happy thought: after you are dead, your tape dispenser sketch will be worth money -- if you managed to become famous before dying. (end of happy thought. there will be no more happy thoughts in this message. thank you.)

In any case, your site is a welcome respite from the FUCKING DILBERT CARTOONS that WALLPAPER my office building. They're everywhere and are all, happily, positively nightmarish.

what we have never understood is how it can be that every absurd office is plastered with dilbert cartoons, yet the point of the cartoons is (presumably) to point out the absurdity of office life. how is it, then, that absurd office life continues? it's not as though we're not aware it's absurd.

did that make sense? it's not our fault if it did.

I'm between semesters of art school (please note difference between 'creative type' and 'yeah-my-human-resources-person-sucks-too' type)

you've hit on the Second Mystery of Office Life (for the First, see above. no, we don't mean God.)

you'd think that a person who becomes an HR person would be a people person. why is this almost NEVER the case?

and that particular brand of humor makes me nauseated. I suppose I'm trying to thank you for making me laugh,

de nada. that's what we're here for. what in particular made you laugh?
(we wouldn't ask, but we have to have the information for government reporting purposes...)

but I made it sound thoroughly negative, didn't I?

we're not exactly merry sunshine ourselves all the time. but if you've trawled through the site, you already know that...

p.s. -- are you feeling fit & healthy? if not, can we commission you to do a sketch of your stapler?

From: Liz
Date Thu, 27 Jul 2000

Hello again,

I'm not sure I agree with you about Dilbert (and here comes the part where I overanalyze minutae) of course you and I are aware that office life is absurd -- but everyone else shouldn't. I mean, if this was your life, nine to five, forever, and you KNEW it was pointless, then what are your options? Jump in front of a city bus outside your building? Point being, they can't know, or no one would be here.

well, but why DON'T they jump in front of a city bus outside their building? i mean, really -- if work was all i had (and it's all that lots of people have), i'd swallow a gun barrel in an instant. (i have more than work, most of the time, and sometimes i still feel like swallowing a gun barrel)

but that's only because i have such a sunny disposition, coupled with a cheerful outlook on life.

(i did once ask someone, in all seriousness, "what keeps you from killing yourself?")

Like right now, for instance, in the next office (home to, as I call them, the Telecom Cowboy and the Mullet Ranger

that's too funny

-- did I mention I live in Virginia?)

no, but funnily enough, i receive regular communications from a west virginia resident who is obsessed (in a good way) with mullets. if it's possible to be obsessed in a good way with mullets...

the theme from The Karate Kid is playing. Loudly. Now, if they were paying attention to anything, if ANYTHING still struck them as absurd, they would turn that shit off

gawd. i don't even know what that is, and i'm sure i hate it anyway!

. . . all our minds are numb. Mine included, probably;

but you're still aware of the absurdity. and you're wasting work time browsing my site -- this is good! well, for me it is, anyway. cos if you get caught, i'm not the one who gets fired...

this doesn't make any sense. Pretend I didn't actually spend time typing that. Oh, and lots of things on your site made me laugh. Especially the mail on the Amy Grant page from irate Southern Baptists, as VA is full full full of them.

was raised baptist myself, so i know what you mean. here's a baptist joke that i've always thought kind of summed up baptists (you may even already know it):

q: why aren't baptists allowed to have sex while standing up?
a: because it might lead to dancing.


(for the thousandth time, got to stop telling that joke...)

I have to get back to work, but to answer your question, I just finished sticking all my staples into my eyes,

was that in the stapler manual? (checking manual)

but when I can see a bit better, I will be happy to refill and draw my stapler. I will leave you with this, which I read in USA Today this afternoon when asked why he refused to compromise during the (hilariously Clinton-supervised) Camp David "peace talks," Yasser Arafat responded, "Jerusalem is the capital of the Palestinian state, like it or not. Whoever does not like it, let him go and drink from the Sea of Gaza." I thought you might like that. I, for one, wrote it on a post-it and stuck it to my computer. I mean, sure thing, Yasser.

better be careful. you're in virginny.

Hope to hear from you (rather nice having a conversation with a man who is not staring at my breasts),


even if i were next to you, i probably wouldn't be. not to be crass, but some of us is leg men.

Date: Tue, 25 Jul 2000
From: Tom M.
Subject: the rocket car

Did you ever read that whole story at

but of course! came from cardhouse, as you probably know

They ran the whole thing in Wired this month and for some reason I can't help thinking it sounds too much like a good story to possibly be true.

it's so detailed, though ...

Anyway, it made me think of you when I read it and I wondered if you knew anything about the rocket car.

one journalist (maybe the wired one, i don't know) accused us of writing it. we deny everything.

ever fancy yourself a screen writer? I think there'd be a great movie in the rocket car story. Very visual, the way it all had to be put together, how it took off and had this great crash at the end, the, of course, the mystery of what happened to the car.

or it'd be a great sideplot to a movie about something else -- perfect spinoff material. If you could pull it off it'd be this fascinating tale where it's a teen love story or something like that but in the background these guys are building this rocket car and as the story progresses the viewer is less and less interested in the love story and more and more captivated by the rocket car, but the hook is, you never give them enough, making them practically screaming to kill off the stars and tell us what happened to the rocket car.

well, just a thought in any case

and a good one, too! but hollywood sucks

fuck hollywood, i'm thinking an indie, el mariachi-meets-the rocketeer-meets slacker. and who but you to do it? you're like the unappointed ruler of an internet desert empire. i mean, you could shoot it all digital, edit it yourself and get some local band to provide a soundtrack. find yourself a 59 chevy hulk (and it *has* to be a 59 chevy, though a 60 would do in a pinch) and you're halfway there.

or maybe a '62 biscayne ... ? covered in herb alpert record covers ... ?

you're halfway to oscar night already -- you already have your star and a finished treatment. Just a matter of throwing a script together, scrawling out a few storyboards and raising, oh, say, six million dollars. and of course wagner would have to be scattered throughout, as a nod to all of us who get what he's about.

this is your fate, man, feels very right to me (mostly because I envision you doing all the work).

maybe we could get tom cruise to work at scale, but he'd have to be IN the car when it crashes into the mineshaft (in fact I'm quite sure he'd insist).

as would we...

think of the prerelease buzz the movie that saved mankind from the further imprecations of the famous cruise grin. I'm seeing a six-picture deal that makes you rich enough to buy Phoenix and evict all the Republicans.

and the democrats as well!

From: Cool Hand Lukette
Date Sun, 16 Jul 2000
Subject: Yo

Hi Deuce

Just a note to let you know that I just got home from my 1st poker party. (Actually poke-him when it's all girls.) And the FIRST TWO HANDS I GOT DEALT HAD THE DEUCE OF CLUBS IN THEM!!!!! Yikes. Twilight zone. Then I stopped paying attention because I was trying to learn. Anyway, just kind of fun and spooky and thought you might be interested. (I lost.)

Hope all is more than well.

From: Janne W.
Date: Fri, 14 Jul 2000
Subject: Buongiorno!

Hi ya folks! I've been extremely pleased to find your web pages on the internet! Haven't progressed on my work project this morning for all I've done is read your experiences about your voyages to the burning man festival...

I've been calling to the phone booth past spring on several occasions and to my fortune I was able to reach a gentleman on the other end of the line before the booth was demolished.

From: MoLiE
Date: Wed, 12 Jul 100

you made me laugh almost as hard as i make myself laugh, mister deuce. you fucking crack me up. i'm still in the middle of your site. yr funny...funny ha-ha AND funny-peculiar...the best kind!

when deadbolt whacked yr hippy-do they shoulda given you a mean mullet to sport instead of the knife-cut it sounds like you got.

wish i'd thought of that...

i actually was at a TrailerHitch show when i lived in Eureka, and when a hippy was 'spinning' during their song 'die, dirt surfer', they felt compelled to grab the hippy, hold him down and cut his dreads off with a knife. dumbass hippy shoulda been listening to the lyrics instead of reminicsing about jerry, eh?

that is the most heartwarming story we could have heard today.
thank you.
we feel all warm.

looks like wagner got 5150ed after he left the "mental health facility" as you so delicately put it, AMA (against medical advice). nice.

i'm getting the idea that Wagner's life is one big trip to the Lunatic Asylum. i can't tear myself away from it, except to come & update The Almighty Creator Himself of my progress.

i'm in the midst of your trip to claim Lucky. you're still crackin me up.

holy shit, you've seen hasil adkins?

holy shit, i used to have Bob Barker's soap and toothbrush.

going to go read some more of your fun adventures

The One And Only Fair And Alluring Mistress of Mullets,
Miss MoLiE

From: John R.
Subject I could have sworn...
Date Wed, 12 Jul 2000

I caught on late night cable the other night a movie i havent seen in years, Woody Allen's movie, Love and Death.

"you have the tamarity to say that i'm talking to you out of jejunocity" is a line from the movie that would only be recognized from a viewer of this classic Allen comedy.

If im not mistaken, and im sure youll correct me harshly if wrong, i believe somewhere in this sea of a website you have also quoted a line from the movie referring to Don Francisco's sister, but i cannot remember exactly where.

you are correct. but we can't remember where, either

What made your reference humorous was that it was written completely out of context, and whoever read it, that didnt see the movie, must have thought it a bit odd.


or not, given the odd and out-of-context character of practically everything on the site.

I know you usually receive material goods in exchange for phone booth glass, but i believe we have bonded in some way... albeit small and unimportant. If the whole bonding thing isnt working for you, how bout considering it some sort of a prize for deciphering your extemporaneous writings; i just hope you remember writing it and wont ask for the exact location.

So i hope your ready to take requests for a piece of mojave history to a new level.

the idea of rewarding people for getting our jokes, while novel, is one that we are far too shallow and materialistic to appreciate.

plus, abstract ideas don't show up well on the scanner.

however there is yet another quotation from _love and death_ on the site. find it & the glass is yours.

if not, i know someone with nude photos of Alice from The Brady Brunch.

*now* you're talking!

From: John R.
Date Fri, 14 Jul 2000

The jig is up... AND GONE!

I must apologize and come clean. In an attempt to secure myself a little piece of Americana, i deliberately distorted the truth; i knew exactly where Don Francisco's sister was (in the FAQ section bout half way down). In my defense, having read the line months ago, i was unsure of its origins, so i embarked on an extensive search to verify the line existed on the deuce before my first attempt to obtain booth memorabilia.(the actual time spent looking will remain confidential to protect what little life i might appear to have).

The plan was simple enough; if you found no merit in my first request for glass, i was hoping you would remember writing the line but not its location, then offer the glass in exchange for findings its position. After a suitable length of time reeking of effort, i would emerge, laying on thick how difficult my task was. DOH! The first part worked like a charm, but nnooooo, you had to have another line from the movie somewhere in this behemoth of a website you wanted located!

"the idea of rewarding people for getting our jokes, while novel, is one that we are far too shallow and materialistic to appreciate."

It would be more than that. Not only would you be exposing your readers to a unrecognized comedic classic(Allen has said this was his favorite work), but also giving a small glimpse into the minds that would reply to a seemingly simple(though boorish) question with "No, YOU must be Don Francisco's sister", a line from a infrequently seen comedy from the 70s.

Ya see man, its more than just "getting your jokes" man, its opening yourself to your readers, clueing them in to whats inside, man(done in Dennis Hopper apocalypse now-like voice).

I respectfully request you reconsider my offer, after all, ive got time invested up in this mutha. Having to scour your site AGAIN for another line would definitely drain the entertainment value of this site and probably condition me to loathe everything Wagner ala chief Dryfuss, complete with facial tick.

"if not, i know someone with nude photos of Alice from the Brady Brunch." / "*now* you're talking!"

YOU sick twist!!

Once again, i apologize; this was but yet another ruse. Its purpose was to be a comedic distraction to draw you away from the first attempt at deception.

Date: Tue, 11 Jul 2000
From: [some reporter guy, who didn't identify himself as a reporter until the *second* e-mail...]
Subject: Rocket Car

My friend has this theory that *you* wrote the "True Story of the Rocket Car."

You seem to know alot about the Mojave -- and you've definitely got the sense of humor to pull this off!

So congratulations!

Seriously, anything you can tell me about the legend of the Rocket Car would be appreciated...

"Sir, I am unaware of any such activity or operation -- nor would I be disposed to discuss such an operation if it did in fact exist, sir."

it's a mystery to us, too.

no, really.

Ha ha ha!

Great answers, preserving the mystique of your work!

I'm writing something for [name of news outlet] about this today. I hope you don't mind if I quote you! (If not, send me an on-the-record comment to take its place!)

Date: Tue, 11 Jul 2000
From: [same reporter]
Subject: Rocket Car

> "Sir, I am unaware of any such activity or operation -- nor would I be
> disposed to discuss such an operation if it did in fact exist, sir."

Waidaminute -- that's from Apocalypse Now....

"atsa right, boss -- you guess it quick" (not from apocalypse now)

Marx Brothers.

I'm guessing this means my chances of getting an original sound-bite are much, much slimmer.....

From: Marie M.
Subject: Nazi Arithmetic
Date Mon, 10 Jul 2000

Do you suppose the editors at The Sun don't wish to tax their readers' credulity any further by using Hitler's real age? That somehow 99 is within the realm of the believable while 111 isn't? Although it's hard to imagine anyone at The Sun ever worrying that a particular issue won't sell because its headlines aren't plausible.

From: tkros
Subject: Burning Man
Date: Wed, 5 Jul 2000

Deuce (& Wagner, too)

It is refreshing to know that website such as yours exists. Much praise to Wagner for the photogenic-ness (is that a word?). I'm sure that he is not as difficult a model as some others are.

Loyal Fan

he's more cooperative than many other composers we could name.

From: Mark
Date: Tue, 4 Jul 2000
Subject: Felicia

I was going through what I'm guessing is one of your new trips (the one with the series about the Red Room)

nope. old trip.

and wondered was Felicia there (in the Red Room)


and if she was, was she holding a baby?


gee, that was easy.

From: Semolina
Date: Sun, 02 Jul 2000
Subject: Yo

it sounds like "Don't think" to me, too. (Maybe the speaker had a speech impediment.) I'm not sure I understand what those recordings were (are?) used for exactly.

they're part of the GPWS (ground proximity warning system). if the plane dips a certain distance below its allotted altitude, the voice warns the pilot/copilot. something like that, anyway.

(this is a big change of subject, but related. How come everything on your site works SO WELL?)

glad to hear that, thanks. there are broken links somewhere, most likely. but we try to get right on them, because we know how postively ANNOYING it can be to encounter broken stuff on the web. (we welcome broken link reports, btw, hint, hint)

When I finally got around to looking @ your art car stuff, I started racing around in my mind to try to remember where my art car photos are, especially one in particular that MAYBE you hadn't seen. (I should know better by now. :> ) Then I saw the pic of Harrod Blank's (whom I met once in New Orleans/met his Dad, Les, too @ a showing in Santa Cruz of "Garlic is as Good as 10 Mothers" complete with smell-a-round) video with THAT car on the cover! Oh, well....

les blank is great -- our 2nd favorite independent film director (behind errol morris)

From: kim
Subject: Stuff for you
Date: Sun, 2 Jul 2000

I finally found some more LP's for you, but i've been slack on the cards. I'll keep looking. How about a picture of my ferret stuck in the cats feeder, to keep you occupied until I get to the thrift stores tomorrow? Being the good ferret mom that I am, I ran around the house for a good five minutes looking for the damn camera before I could free him from his kibble prison. How he jammed himself up in there is still a mystery; sort of like the day I found a ferret turd 13.75" up on the wall. I think that one was a group effort. (ferrets "here, get on my shoulders, this will trip her out completely")

Anyhow...I have 2 albums for you, and i'll send them out to ya after I glom up some cards for you. Maybe I'll include a ferret sailor hat for you in trade for some of the phone booth glass, if you feel that would be a suitable thing. Its actually a little manufactured hat, made especially for ferrets. Makes 'em look like they should be singing "in the navy" with the village people. or village weasels. whatever....

From: mollieanna
Subject: Officer Ugg says poison is bad.
Date: Sun, 02 Jul 2000


i'm glad someone finally appreciates my officer ugg page!!! i had my finger on the mouse and i was about to delete it from my page last saturday, but then i thought to myself... i have possibly the *only* page on the net devoted to the holy ugg. i can't delete this masterpiece!! so i didn't :) as soon as i get around to it i'm going to link to your page from my ugg page. :) by the way, i've been a fan of wagner for a VERY long time :P

you mean wagner wagner, or the statue wagner?

i meant the statue. that thing rules. maybe he should get a job at the waffle house.

then it would have to be pronounced, "voffel haus."

lol... i love your sense of humor. it's great to know that there's more fucked up people than just myself out there. back when i was like, 14, i created a cult following of these 2 REALLY weird teachers at our school, we'd call them, drive by their houses, basically stalk the hell out of them. we made up these elaborate stories and comic books about them... it was pretty weird. anyhow.

we used to do a wagner zine, and send it to wagner fanatics -- serious ones, who don't have a sense of humor about the old boy. anyway, we always wanted to hear back from the head of the wagner society in dallas, but never did. once we happened to be in dallas, and a friend knew where this woman lived ... so we drove past her house & took a wagner photo of her house. then mailed it to her. THAT got a response, all right.


that is absolutely divine. why didn't I think of something like wagner?? the statue, i mean... i'd love to do something like that but i'm NOT going to gank your idea :P don't worry.

peace, luv, and poison control.


From: R S
Subject: Celebriducks
Date: Sat, 01 Jul 2000

As scary as it may seem, celebriducks soap has a web site. I'm not sure that linking to them is a good idea, as it may cause them to think people WANT to buy those warped visions of people. But then again, if they're busy cranking out idiotic soap icons, they might not have time to think of anything even more bizarre.

But $9.99 each for SOAP????!!!!


Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2000
From: medusa

i liked the burning man story.

also, i'm *fairly* sure that the wrestling ring is actually known as the "squared circle."

we got an e-mail today from a female wrestling fan who set us straight on that, yessir. as the prophet daniel saith, "knowledge shall increase" ... we learned about pro wrestling; therefore, it must be the last days.

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