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From: Jan D
Subject: Burning Man Connections

I'm not the lady with the funky pink nightie, and we didn't connect at Burning Man, but you tickled me to death with your wacky BM pictorial and papal entreaties!

I live in Tempe too and I ALSO was biking on the playa! This is stranger than fiction!

From: Kathy B.
Subject: I had a dream last night

I was at Cardhouse headquarters. It was very impressive -- a mansion on a big expanse of land (in Michigan), with a two story carriage house next to it. It was filled with beautiful young people laughing and partying. I was expected. I kept asking for Mark Simple. He kept being just a step or two ahead of me. I looked for him in the office in the mansion, which looked like a sales space in a comic book store. He'd just left. I got a glimpse of him; he was lanky and had short, kind of curly dark hair. So I was led to the carriage house, where one of his minions began pelting me with legal questions concerning a problem with the landlord. Some guy named Lee. (Lee was the landlord, not the minion. The minion was short and stocky and balding. Danny DeVito without a sense of humor.) Don't remember what the problems were, just that it was annoying to be pestered with them. Then it was announced that Deuce was also there. He and a travelling companion, the lithe and lovely (not to mention blonde) Trish? Tricia? were crashing in a back room in the carriage house. Her hair was as long as his had been. His was cut blunt, earlength, in a kind of postmodern Prince Valiant. He looked very different with bangs. He also looked about 10 years younger.

What the hell was this about?

it was about the weirdest dream you ever had . . . because it's TRUE! all TRUE!

From: Tim Hansen
Subject: Quick Response Time

Damn, man!
What do you do all day outside of Whip It and the webpages (and taking weird pictures of Wagner?)

um . . . i read e-mail

Here's an idea. For your NEXT car, do a tribute to Wagner.

in fact, that's the plan, as soon as the (unfortunately temporary) Whip It! motif disintegrates from the surface of the Biscayne

And do it on...a Jeep Wagoneer (with an "o" and "e" tastefully deleted)! (if you can find one-if not, send me your mailing address and I'll pull a badge off one in a junkyard for you)

wagner says: "been zayr, done zat"

I took a moment (actually a whole fat stack of 'em) and read most of your webpages. This is one incredibly massive site, worthy of high praise.

Hold your head high, man. You are the ringleader for a world of time-wasters and idlers. The nice thing about that is automatically you are superior.

is english your first language? and what do you mean, waste?

And tomorrow afternoon I will check the resale shop for more Herb Alpert albums. Damn! I don't even have a turntable!

you know those resale shops that sell record albums, tim?
guess what else they sell?

For your interest, I am including a picture of my daily driver (read non-art-car) car. It's already weird enough-a 1977 AMC Pacer!


From: Adam Mazmanian
Organization: New York Press
Subject: New York Press

Dear Mr. Deuce:

I am writing to inquire whether you are the Deuce who writes letters to the New York Press, specifically, a recent letter about Mugger's call for Gingrich to step down. We are trying to make more of an effort to establish the bona fides of letter-writers.

Please reply soon, our deadline is Monday.


Adam Mazmanian
New York Press

i am not that Deuce, but i am the best value Deuce in my price range.

From: Brendan Tripp
Organization: ESCHATON
Subject: AHA! Found your page.... Reprint?


I'm the editor of Eschaton's "The Terminal Journal" quarterly literary magazine. We recently had some materials sent to us by V2 of Spread The Word, which included a reprint of an article from "Planet" magazine, which I had been told (by V2) was entitled "Flying Us Crazy" (but I see you have listed here as "Spacecraft or Lovecraft?"). I searched on the web for a "Deuce" and came up with this (among other) e-mail address. You probably have gotten my earlier missives to one of the various e-mail addresses I found for you, but I have since discovered your web page, and am much less confused than I had been.

If you are the Deuce who wrote this piece, I would like very much to get your permission to reprint "Spacecraft of Lovecraft" in our Summer '97 issue.

Thank you,
Brendan Tripp

Hey. I enjoyed your review of Choco Tacos a great deal. I anted to mention that Taco Bells around here sell them, too.

Also -- I read the 666 Cough Medicine thing in X magazine a few years ago and it was pretty damned funny. I remember reading it out loud to any friend that would listen (not many). When they do radio ads, though, they call it "Three Sixes Cold Preparation," not "Six-Six-Six." I always thought that was a little funny.

"Britain In The Head!"

radio ads? RADIO ADS?!? you wouldn't happen to have RECORDED any of these radio ads, would you?

From:Candi Strecker
Subject: wagner's burning man

One month later .... thanks for the tip on the wagnerpage, I finally found time to view it and had a fun time poking around. I also wanted to mention I got a big kick out of the duck-diaper article - - have you freelanced it anywhere besides the publications of the Mark Simple Media Empire? I really thought it was slickly, professionally done - - I'm trying to do more freelancing myself, so my eye catches these things. Anyway, best o' luck,


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"All that glisters is not gold;
all that astonishes and mystifies is not Freemasonry."

- - H.W.Coil, in "A Comprehensive View of Freemasonry"

From: Tim Hansen
Subject: RE: Wagner, Whip It, and those dammed Jehovah's Witness freaks!

Firstly, let me congratulate you on a perfectly mind-boggling assembly of pages just dripping with Wagnerism. It's the oddest thing I've seen today. Where could I get myself a similar bust of Wagner? I'd take pictures and send them to you. The immortality of Wagner must spread globally, and this is more convenient with two heads.

i don't know about wagner's immortality. his immorality, on the other hand, is well known. as to locating another wagner bust, i'm afraid it's hit-or-miss. there is a fake wagner bust. but he is evil.

And, good job on the ArtCar. I'm planning one of my own. Starting on the basis of a 1983 Subaru with orange and teal zebra stripes, I will either accentuate it with old aircraft parts and create an Urban Survival Vehicle or completely cover it with old shoes (naming it the "Shoe-baru".

Also, I was wondering if I could have one of the (unmolested) Whipped Cream and Other Delights albums from you to hang on my wall just for the insanity of it all? (i'll pay for postage)

a) i don't have any "unmolested" whipped cream albums. not that i molest them, mind you. it's just that i spent the day soaking my remaining albums in the bathtub. that sounds kind of perverted. i assure you it's nothing kinky. i have to remove the cardboard before i can affix them to the Whip It! car, which has developed some bare spots that need to be covered by whipped cream albums before next week's trek to westfest in sf.

b) you can do this, i know you can:

  1. travel to your nearest thrift store.
  2. walk into the thrift store.
  3. make tracks to the corner where they have the unsorted bins of beat-up LPs.
  4. flip through until you see the telltale alpert green.
  5. verify: is it anatomical?
  6. verify: is it anatomically covered in a white substance that resembles whipped cream?
  7. if yes, buy it!
  8. if no, go back to step 4. if there are no more albums, go back to step 1. good luck! you'll find twenty before the day's over.

And in regards to that letter sent you by the Jehova's Witness nutcase. I did a little research on this for you. I was particularly amused by the part of that letter "adhere strictly to the bible" Hah! What a crock! The JW's don't believe in the Trinity, Hell, or the Crucifixion! (there isn't a single cross in any JW church!) They don't even believe that Christ is God! John 10:30 "I and the Father are one." Rather, they think he's Michael the Archangel!!! Ludicrous! Adhering to the bible strictly?? I'm serious, these people are bad news. You know they have rules against BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS? I read this news article. Apparently, this JW family, the Blizards, had a baby daughter in the hospital and the only way to save her life was with a blood transfusion. In opposition to family wishes, the JW's tried to steal the baby from the hospital! When the family protested, the JW's told them that they hoped the child died even with the transfusion and cut off all contact from them-even their old friends. Is this Biblical? Is this even close to Christian? I think not! In fact, it is impossible to leave the JW church cleanly. You cannot come back, and you cannot have any interaction with family members who decide to stay JW. These are scary folk. And hypocritical. Adhere to the bible my left buttcheek. Loonies.

Tim Hansen

From: Kathy B.
Subject: Re: bleepbleepbleep

Visited your pages. I didn't think it was possible but -- your output is getting stranger.

not a complaint, mind you

From: charlie
Subject: chew toy & spanking show

how do i get copies?

wish i knew

Mark Simple
Whoever Is Out There

History Professor Man

I have just enjoyed surfing the _x_mag web page (I especially like the coverage of the "little people), hoping I could find the piece on 666 that I cannot find anywhere in my all-too-small office with its all-too-high piles of stuff. I finally am getting back to my "work" on 666 Elixer, but I cannot find the item from _x_mag. I hate to ask you, but could you send me another copy of it, assuming you already sent it to me and I have misplaced it.


Chuck Piehl

From: "Piehl, Chuck"
Subject: 666 Article in X Mag

April fades into May, and I'm still curious (more than ever) about what you guys said about the piece on 666. I've been reading old ads from the 1920s, when it was sold for everything from colds to malaria and yes coonstipation. Turns out they were tied into a big-time PR effort that preyed (prayed!) on illiterate and poor fundamentalists.

Hope you're still there and that my address is still attached to this message so you can send me a copy of your article on 666 or at least reply with an e-mail.

Much Thanks
History Professor Man

I was just looking for ferrara Pan related stuff and I got this picture of this Diane person with selling Cherry Clan- man, I want some Cherry Clan!- I can't find the good Ferrara Pan stuff around here- Alexander the Grapes, Cherry Clan, Johnny Apple Treats- I'm an addict I think- I'm waiting for some big corparation to market carnuba wax patches or something so I can lose the habit-

anyway- I envy Diane and her many boxes of Cherry Clan- If she wants to make the biggest sale of her career tell her to come to York hall at the University of Maine and ask for Dolemite

diane answers:
sorry dolemite! all my cherry clan were illegally seized by the florida highway patrol.

From: Fred
Subject: A confession

Sometimes...okay, a lot of times...I like to scream gibberish at the top of my lungs. I usually press my meaty hands onto my face to muffle the noise, which is the only thing that keeps me from getting evicted or arrested.

I've only just begun to dig into your web files and I like what I see. Liked the Harry Dean Stanton thing especially. I just watched Wise Blood again last night, which as you know features Stanton and Mr. Brad Dourif. If I ever was forced to compile a pantheon of film actors/personalities I'd put Harry Dean and Dourif in the same outfit with Lee Marvin, they're THAT good.

Cyclone Publications

I forgot to check for the Wagner episode of Space Ghost. Did it air yet?

Cyclone Publications

From: Glen Blankenship
Organization: Hudsucker Industries
Subject: Deuce, film director

Happened to stumble across your site, and thought you might like to know about:

(Back in the early '80s I actually worked for him, while employed by Miracle Films - "If it's a good film - it's a Miracle!")

Hope you find this amusing, or at least momentarily diverting.

we're sure father danneels is flattered

From: cookie9
Subject: Hi Ilike LILA A WHOLE LOT

Hi =Deuce: I love Lila, too bad she is married, but I love her to death, and the way she slaps.....boy I wiil be the first one on the line, if she wants to slaps somebody...........
She is gorgeous.....
i heve taped El gran jeugo de la Oca, when it was broadcast by telemundo, the spanish speaking network. too bad they have cancelled the broadcast, because the game goes on, in Mexico and in Spain, but Emilio Aragon is not anymore the master of ceremony......ahhhhhhhhhhh
anyway I think LILA is knocking on your door, go check it out.....ohhhhhhhh she is so good............
LILA PLEASE SLAP ME!!!!!! GOD BLESS THE SPANISH WOMEN........they are so femenine...
ok bye bye.

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