| Moltar: |
(Sees Wagner on the monitor and laughs sarcastically) This oughtta be good!
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(Theme music, credits, &c.)
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| Space Ghost: |
("Invisos" in to set) Greetings, citizens! I am Space Ghost. Welcome to the show. Joining me tonight: "Wagner." Wagner? (Under his breath) This show really needs a booking agent. (Sighs) Play me to the desk, Zorak.
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(Zorak and the Way Outs break into an almost recognizable version of the Prelude to Act III of Lohengrin)
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| Space Ghost: |
All-rightee! Please welcome...er..."Wagner."
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| Zorak: |
VÄGner!
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| Space Ghost: |
(Looks at his card and mumbles to himself) Hmm...there's no first name on here. It just says "Wagner."
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| Zorak: |
It's VÄGner!
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| Space Ghost: |
His first name is VÄGner? VÄGner Wagner?!? (Laughs) Your parents must've had quite a sense of humor, eh Mr. Wagner?
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| Zorak: |
VÄGner! And that's his last name. His first name is Richard.
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| Space Ghost: |
Richard? Wait a minute! Richard Wagner? I remember you! I loved you in To Catch a Thief!
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| Zorak: |
That was Robert Wagner. And the show was It Takes a Thief.
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| Space Ghost: |
You know, Robert, we almost called my first TV series, It Takes a Superhero.
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| Zorak: |
Space Ghost!
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| Space Ghost: |
WHAT, Zorak?!?
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| Zorak: |
You're thinking of Robert Wagner. This is Richard VÄGner.
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| Space Ghost: |
(Stares at cue card for a few beats, then stage whispers to Zorak) Oh. Right. Well, who's this guy, then? Is he a superhero?
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| Zorak: |
Ummmmmmmm. Yes.
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| Space Ghost: |
Well, if he's a superhero, where's his cape? (Looks into the camera, smiles, and says in his best Barry White voice) We superheroes wear capes!
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(Cut to Wagner, now wearing an ermine-trimmed cape)
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| Space Ghost: |
All right! That's better! So, what superpowers do you have, Mr. Wagner?
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| Zorak: |
VÄGner! And he's a musician.
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| Space Ghost: |
A musician?!? A MUSICIAN?!? Musicians aren't superheroes! Musicians are idiots! Er....nothing personal, Mr. Wagner.
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| Zorak: |
Ahem...
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| Space Ghost: |
So, what kind of--
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| Zorak: |
A-HEM!
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| Space Ghost: |
Oh. Right. Same to you, Zorak.
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| Zorak: |
Gee, thanks. Cretin.
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| Space Ghost: |
Anyway. What kind of music do you do, Mr. Wagner?
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| Zorak: |
VÄGner!
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| Space Ghost: |
Zorak, stop interrupting! And why do you keep saying "VÄGner"?
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| Zorak: |
It's his name. Imbecile.
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| Space Ghost: |
(Looks at cue card) Says here "Wagner."
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| Zorak: |
It's spelled with a W. But it's pronounced VÄGner.
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| Space Ghost: |
I get it--like your name is spelled with a Z but it's pronounced "thorax."
(Insert Zorak glaring at Space Ghost)
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| Space Ghost: |
(Sits silently for a moment. Then, to Zorak) What's this guy do, again?
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| Zorak: |
He wrote operas.
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| Space Ghost: |
I see. Then I guess that makes him an operator! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Laughs for several seconds, stops abruptly; then, in a hurt voice) Why won't he talk to me, Zorak?
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| Wagner: |
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(Insert of Wagner, who says nothing)
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| Space Ghost: |
(To Wagner) Please?
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| Wagner: |
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| Space Ghost: |
Hmm...I know! Let's talk about your operas. What are your operas about?
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| Wagner: |
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| Zorak: |
They're about heroes.
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| Space Ghost: |
Heroes? Super! (Arches eyebrows) Would you like to write an opera about a Superhero, Mr. Wagner?
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| Zorak: |
VÄGner!
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| Space Ghost: |
All RIGHT, Zorak! I GOT it! (Sarcastically) Say, what's the deal, anyway, Mr. "VÄG'ner with a W"--did they run out of V's on your planet? Hmm?
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| Wagner: |
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| Space Ghost: |
Well?
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| Wagner: |
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| Space Ghost: |
You know, we do a lot of talking on this show, Mr. VÄGner. It's a talk show. See?
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| Wagner: |
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| Space Ghost: |
I hope your music isn't this quiet. What does your music sound like, anyway?
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| Moltar: |
(Insert of Moltar, who has begun loudly humming "The Ride of the Valkyries")
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| Zorak: |
Give me strength...
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| Space Ghost: |
(To Zorak) What's wrong? (Quietly] Did I already ask him that question?
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| Zorak: |
Mmmmm.... You have to guess.
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| Space Ghost: |
(Listening to Moltar) Okay. I can name that tune in--hey, I know this one! (Starts humming along with Moltar)
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(Space Ghost joins Moltar in the control room for an impromptu duet)
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| Zorak: |
Space Ghost. Space Ghost! SPACE GHOST!
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| Space Ghost: |
Quiet, Zorak. We're "jamming!" (With a bad Jamaican accent:) And I hope ya like jamming too!
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(Moltar keeps humming through the following. He does Brunhilda's parts in falsetto, with the "hoyataho"'s synchronized with his familiar arm-extending pose)
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| Space Ghost: |
Ohhhh! That Wagner! Tell me, Mr. Wagner--when you made your opera, were you scared of all those helicopters...and guns and...tanks and...amphibious assault vehicles...and talking rabbits...and...er, flying pigs?
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| Wagner: |
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| Space Ghost: |
Okay, I'll go first--I admit I was scared. And I'm a superhero! C'mon. You can tell me. Talk to Space Ghost.
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| Wagner: |
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| Zorak: |
That wasn't a VÄGner opera. That was Apocalypse Now. And it wasn't even filmed until a hundred years after VÄGner's death.
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| Space Ghost: |
What?
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|
(Moltar's humming is getting louder and louder)
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| Zorak: |
I said, that movie wasn't even made until after VÄGner was DEAD!
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| Space Ghost: |
Wait a minute. Moltar! Knock it off!
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| Moltar |
(Whose helmet now sports horns and blonde braids, stops humming mid-note) Oh. Sorry.
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| Space Ghost: |
Did I hear you right, Zorak? Did you say dead?
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| Zorak: |
Yes.
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| Space Ghost: |
(To Wagner) You're DEAD?
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| Wagner: |
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| Space Ghost: |
(Moves closer to telescreen; knocks on it) Hmm...doesn't answer. Just like a...dead guy! Say . . . you ARE dead!
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| Wagner: |
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| Zorak: |
And--he doesn't have any arms.
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| Space Ghost: |
Hey...you're right! Zorak, do dead people usually have arms? (Does his strongman pose)
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| Zorak: |
(A Krusty the Klown Oo-boy sigh)
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| Moltar: |
(To Zorak) How did he ever get his own show, anyway?
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| Zorak: |
I don't know, but it should've been called, It Takes a Moron.
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| Space Ghost: |
Hey!
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| Zorak: |
Ho!
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| Space Ghost: |
HEY!
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| Zorak: |
HO! I mean...what?
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| Space Ghost: |
Hey, Zorak!
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| Zorak: |
WHAT?!
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| Space Ghost: |
This dead guy--I think he's a STATUE!
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| Zorak: |
No kidding. . . .
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| Space Ghost: |
You're a STATUE, aren't you, Mr. Wagner?
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|
| Zorak: |
VÄGner!
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| Space Ghost: |
WHAT DO I WIN?!?!??
|
