Amy Grant's Mandible

Part the Last (?): Mandible Takedown!

An open letter to Amy Grant's manager, Ms. Jennifer Cooke

Background:

The Amy Grant's Mandible website went online in 1997. The site came about more or less accidentally and just as accidentally has somehow attracted emails over the years from not-so-bright individuals under the delusion (despite every impression given by the site's appearance and content) that their vitally important ungrammatical and misspelled messages would be read by Contemporary Christian Music singer Amy Grant. I responded to these messages as I suppose any right-thinking malcontent would—of course I answered them and posted the exchanges for the reproof correction instruction amusement of web readers everywhere.

One Grant enthusiast, however, has been carrying on a campaign of religious rants that finally got so disturbing and filled with outright threats against Grant and her husband (singer Vince Gill) that I got to thinking maybe someone ought to look at them. I did consider the possibility that it could be a friend yanking me, except I'm not sure I know anyone who knows the Bible enough to fake fanatical stream-of-consciousness religious weirdness that well. (Note to friends: That is not a challenge.) But what also occurred to me was: how stupid would a correspondent of Mark Chapman have felt in December of 1980 upon hearing reports of John Lennon's assassination, never until that moment having considered that maybe someone in Lennon's camp should have had a look at his collection of letters from Mark Chapman in which he repeatedly writes of his plans to kill John Lennon?

Most likely this Amy Grant-obsessed guy is a harmless nut, sure. But a few nuts turn out not to be so harmless, and I figured it wouldn't do any harm for Ms. Grant's and Mr. Gill's security people to be aware of this one. And so, if only for my own peace of mind, I phoned Grant's management at CAA Nashville and they agreed to forward the nutty emails to the appropriate parties.

Date: Fri, 17 Oct 2008
To: [redacted]@caa.com

Per our phone conversation of a few minutes ago, attached is a text file containing all the emails of [redacted] relating to Amy Grant and Vince Gill.

As I said, I have no way of evaluating the credibility of his threats, but I wanted to pass them along because of the increasingly threatening tone—especially of his most recent message (at the bottom of the attached text file), in which he pictures himself shooting Vince Gill in the head four times. I'd feel terrible (not to mention idiotic) if the guy turned out to be some would-be Hinckley and here I'd been sitting on his emails all this time.

It's probably old hat to you (I'm not surprised that, as you mentioned, there's a file full of this stuff) but I hope someone will look into it, at any rate.

Best,
Doc

Shortly thereafter, Official Amy Grantdom shit its pants.

Amy Grant's manager, Jennifer Cooke, responded to the danger by sending me an urgent email. A thank you note for my paranoia vigilance? Not exactly:

Subject: cease and desist...
Date: Thu, 30 Oct 2008
From: Jennifer Cooke

I am Amy Grant's manager and I am giving you ONE (1) email warning for you to cease and desist any email address that includes Amy Grant's name. I have printed out a copy of your webpage where you respond to emails as if you are Amy Grant. This is against the law. If does not stop IMMEDIATELY you will be contacted by Amy's legal team.

This is your only warning.

I thank you in advance for removing this page immediately. The page must be down by November 1, 2008 or I will turn this over to legal authorities.

Dear Ms. Cooke:

Because of your proximal relation to celebrity you may be used to meek capitulation in the face of ludicrously overstated demands. I imagine you expected me to react to your email the way you did to my web page—i.e., by crapping myself. Well . . . lo siento mucho. At last count (some years ago) my website had over 4,000 pages. That fact should help you guess that yours isn't my first takedown notice. My first came long ago, from a company whose president, a man who turned out to be more familiar with the First Amendment than his legal team was, ended up intervening on my behalf against his lawyers. (He had a sense of humor—you'd be surprised what a very handy thing one of those can be.) Almost always these C&D demands emanate from humorless and officious twits who suffer self-administered wedgies over something I've written about someone in whom they have a financial interest. Curiously, the supposedly offended person or institution almost never gives any evidence of caring a lick, so it wouldn't surprise me if exactly this sort of underling is behind the threat of "Amy's legal team." They say there's no I in T-E-A-M, but somehow there always seems to be that self-important M-E, doesn't there? (Typically there's also a U in H-U-M-O-R, though possibly not in your case, since you likely perceive every U as Y-O-U.)

Interlude: How much more pleasant and humane (not to mention less brutal) might human history have been had the Bible and its proponents not been so tragically short on humor? The various monotheisms really missed out by not having a trickster god. If even one of the canonical gospel writers had possessed an awareness of the absurd, the Sermon on the Mount might have included what could have become its most important commandment: "Verily I say unto thee, do try and have a sense of humor about things, won't you?"

Unfortunately, humor doesn't tend to be a strength of prophets or priests. It doesn't seem to be one of yours, either, Ms. Cooke, so let's go ahead and talk about law for a moment, since you've alleged that my activity is "against the law." As someone closely associated with fundamentalist Christians, you may have heard of the landmark case called Hustler Magazine v. Falwell (485 U.S. 46, 1988), in which the U.S. Supreme Court ruled unanimously against the televangelist (in the Reagan era, no less) and in favor of the pornographer (just two years after the Meese Report):

Respondent [Jerry Falwell] would have us find that a State's interest in protecting public figures from emotional distress is sufficient to deny First Amendment protection to speech that is patently offensive and is intended to inflict emotional injury, even when that speech could not reasonably have been interpreted as stating actual facts about the public figure involved. This we decline to do.

Now, unlike Mr. Flynt, my aim isn't to inflict emotional injury. As I've said, the Amy Grant's Mandible website arose pretty much by accident, thanks to a fan of Ms. Grant's (the whole story is told on this very website, beginning here, if you didn't happen to get around to investigating things before sending off your bullying email). That dolts would start sending poorly spelled and ungrammatical emails that should have ended up in the Amy's Mail From Crazies file is an unintended bonus, and something I could never have predicted. I mean, I don't have the highest regard for the intellect of your average fundamentalist, but JESUS CHRIST PEOPLE YOU'RE WRITING TO A WEBSITE ABOUT A JAWBONE.

In one respect it's not surprising that religious people would write unthinkingly, since that's how many (if not most) of them became religious in the first place (that is, most people come to religion by birth or training, not because thorough investigation and careful study convinced them of Thee Truth). In fact, taken collectively, messages to Amy Grant's Mandible practically form an Aesop's fable of not thinking (or would, if Aesop hadn't already covered the same ground in "The Fox and the Goat").

But these bizarre (and usually entertaining) messages from Christians started to become offensive (even to me, if you can believe it) after the news of Ms. Grant's impending divorce hit the news and many devoted Christians across the land responded by heaping castigation upon poor Amy Grant's head. (Even if divorce is a sin in Christianity, whatever happened to Jesus's "Go, and sin no more?") The Amy Grant's Mandible website found itself in the fundamentalist firing line thanks to certain of the more idiotic of Amy's Christian judges, who managed to stumble across what people of even average intelligence easily recognize as a parody website (about a person's MANDIBLE, for chrissakes) and began squirting their righteous bile in the direction of the Mandible mailbag, leaving the impression that "Judge not, lest ye be judged" has been excised from the gospels since I last read them.

Having been raised in the Baptist religion and therefore having had near-endless opportunities to observe firsthand the nasty lack of any charity whatsoever with which many Christian people believe it's Christlike to treat any Christian who dares to remedy an unfortunate marriage by getting divorced, and knowing that someone in Amy Grant's position can't afford to speak plainly to nitwits and assholes, I answered these unkind emails in parody, by imagining what I would say were I Amy Grant. (It may have been hard for the Apostle Paul to "kick against the pricks," but it's really pretty easy, if you know what you're doing, and enjoy the work.)

My intent toward Ms. Grant herself, however, has not been malicious—but if you maintain that it is, your hostile response makes even less sense, given your apparent beliefs and your client's widely advertised ones. After all, you represent a gospel singer—a Christian—and though your company, Blanton Harrell Cooke & Corzine, sounds like a law firm (although a law firm would probably use commas between the partners' names), it's merely an entertainment management outfit that appears to represent none but Christian clients. In addition, on your personal blog you talk about praying and god and angels and whatnot. So, in spite of what might be gathered from the tone of the email you sent me, one has to assume you're at least a little familiar with the famous Sermon on the Mount, no?

Matt. 5
[43] Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
[44] But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.

I am not a Christian, but my misspent youth in the Baptist faith rendered me permanently familiar with its texts, and I have to say I question your practice of the religion your client preaches. I've never read nor even heard of an exegesis that tries to render "pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you" as "threaten those who try to help your client," or takes "love your enemies, bless them that curse you" to mean "send strutting cease-and-desist emails to those who warn you of possible dangerous persons," or twists "do good to them that hate you" into "act all cunty." You see me as an enemy, yet somehow I'm just not feeling the love, Jennifer. Where's the love?

Don't worry, I'm not hurt too badly. (As I said, I was forcibly raised "Babdist," so I'm all too familiar with unforgivably cunty behavior.) But see what you think of this (also from Matt. 5):

[38] Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:
[39] But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
[40] And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloke also.
[41] And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.
[42] Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.

"Go ye out into all the world employing gratuitous threats of unsupportable legal action, that ye may ensure that no one poketh fun at thy client," Jesus then did not go on to say. Christ, you'd think if anyone would know about turning the other cheek, it'd be someone who represents The Mandible!

Interlude: Just in passing, it's worth noticing how many of my takedown notices are somehow related to Christianity and associated hysterias. 666 Cough Syrup, Amy Grant's Manager (say, there's a website idea), Abingdon Press, &c. Food for thought, if you're up for it. Anyway—

It's not that I don't understand your thinking that something is at stake in this for you. I notice that the website of your religious entertainment representation outfit proudly boasts: "The principle partners of BHCC have been in business together for over 25 years and have guided the careers of artists who have all together [sic] sold more than 100 million records, 15 million books, and $500,000,000 in concert tickets."

I guess that's impressive. I mean, compared to you, a guy who only fed five thousand is no great shakes. (God, who'd that Jesus guy think he was, anyway?) (Sorry, I answered my own question, there.) But is anyone in your office wearing a WWJD jewelry item? Here may be the answer to that question, in this instance:

John 2:
[13] And the Jews' passover was at hand, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem,
[14] And found in the temple those that sold oxen and sheep and doves, and the changers of money sitting:
[15] And when he had made a scourge of small cords, he drove them all out of the temple, and the sheep, and the oxen; and poured out the changers' money, and overthrew the tables;
[16] And said unto them that sold doves, Take these things hence; make not my Father's house an house of merchandise.

But what did Jesus know, right? Sure, the ancient Jews believed in giving ten percent to YHWH but, as you have learned, the real action is getting the percentage from a client. Many Bible scholars (even Christian ones) believe that what Jesus meant by “Ye cannot serve God and mammon” was “Ye cannot serve God and mammon." But I'll bet you could teach those scholars (and Jesus) a thing or two about God and mammon, couldn't you? Turning the temple of god into a house of merchandise may not reflect sound theology but it definitely sounds like one hell of a business strategy.

(Explanatory note: The foregoing was all stuff I wrote before I decided to let my attorney in on the fun address the situation, which he did as ably as if he had come to the practice of law for such a time as this:)

Dear Ms. Cooke:

I am Deuce of Clubs' attorney, and my client agrees to grant you ONE (1) of your wishes. Deuce of Clubs will stop using the e-mail address amygrant at deuceofclubs, and will change it to amygrantsmandible at deuceofclubs. This is being done solely as a courtesy, and is not to be construed as an admission of any wrongdoing, whatsoever, on the part of my client, or any of its representatives.

Your request for Deuce of Clubs to remove the Amy Grant's Mandible web page is hereby denied. If you have any question as to whether my client is acting within its legal rights by denying said request, I suggest you speak with Amy's "legal team," or better yet, go out and rent a copy of The People vs. Larry Flynt at your local Blockbuster.

In the future, I suggest that you consider a more cordial tone when dealing with people who have contacted you in the interest of protecting the health and safety of your client. Deuce of Clubs forwarded those strange and disturbing e-mails out of concern that the sender may actually represent a danger to Ms. Grant and/or her husband. You respond to this samaritan exercise with an angry, baseless cease and desist, and not so much as a "thank you." You may want to consider the possibility that such ungracious behavior could have a chilling effect on people's willingness to make similar efforts in the future, thereby preventing your client from learning about other wackos who may be telegraphing their twisted deeds through web sites which make mention of Ms. Grant's name (within the boundaries of fair use, naturally).

This is your only warning.

Very truly yours,
Joshua Solomon, Esq.

LEGAL NOTICES
The information in this message is intended for the named recipient(s) only. It may contain privileged and confidential matter. If you have received this message in error, please notify the sender immediately via e-mail (w/out re-transmitting the original message) or collect telephone call to [redacted] and delete the received message from your server and/or hard-drive completely. Do not disclose the contents of the misdirected message to anyone. Additionally, the foregoing, while serious in content, is meant in the spirit of good-natured humor (i.e. parody). So, lighten up, lady. Thank you.

Mr. Solomon,

Your client is answering emails as if he is Amy Grant. That is illegal and that is the part I want stopped and the part I addressed in my email. I could care less about the existence of his Amy Grant mandible page and never suggested he had to remove the page. If someone has enough time on their hands to devote to a page about mandibles that is their own choice (and obviously legal), but answering emails in first person voice for Amy Grant is illegal and if it continues I will get Amy's legal team on it immediately.

As far as the dangerous emails, you are right in that perhaps I should have thanked your client for the warning, but when I looked at his page and saw that he was posing as Amy it cast a very strange light on his activities in general, including the ones that he may have been doing out of the goodness of his heart.

Again, if your client continues to operate an email address where he answers emails in Amy's first person voice or if he gives the appearance of being professionally associated with Amy, I will turn it over to her legal team to pursue. I'm sure Larry Flint [sic] wouldn't have allowed someone else to answer emails as "Larry Flint" [sic] without his permission.

Jennifer Cooke
Blanton Harrell Cooke & Corzine

Oh, so now you're going to comment on my "activities in general"? You're really going to criticize my Amy Grant page when your Amy Grant page is called "What's Cooke'n"? Man. You're KOOKY! You probably should have waited until you had more time on your hands before settling on that name. Well, you can write all you want about gods and angels. At least I could prove Amy Grant's mandible is real. (Unless it isn't, and Amy Grant has somehow managed a singing career without a mandible, in which case you're doing one hell of a crap job marketing her.)

Anyway, to your other point: can it really be your position that anyone but a blockhead could think that a parody site called Amy Grant's Mandible could have anything official to do with Amy Grant? Do you have no more confidence in your fan base than to suppose that any more than a small fraction of a tiny percentage of Ms. Grant's fans could possibly be dopey enough to mistake Ms. Grant for her mandible? Be serious. In order to send an email to the site, one has to click on a link that says, "SEND MAIL TO AMY GRANT'S MANDIBLE." That could hardly be much clearer, even for Christians. After all, a mandible's just a jawbone, even to a Young-Earth Creationist.

Granted, there are religious people who will swallow just about anything, who will, for example, email outlandish urban myths to each other, to help this country's overwhelming believing-in-god majority keep feeling like a persecuted minority. (See Snopes.com for a depressing number of examples, such as Did NASA scientists discover a 'missing day' in time?; Is Barack Obama the Anti-Christ?; Was an unburned Bible was found amidst the wreckage of the Pentagon?; Do airlines refuse to pair Christian pilots and co-pilots because of the Rapture?)

I'm not claiming boneheadedness is exclusive to the religious demographic. I wouldn't be surprised if over at Tina Fey's Scar they get a few emails like, "OMG TINA FEY U ARE TEH BEST I WUBS OO!!! PLS SEND ME A AUTAGRAFFED FOTO! THX!!11!!" But surely it can't be your claim that the knuckleheads who bash out emails to an obvious parody site about Amy Grant's Mandible (her MANDIBLE, for fuck's sake!) can possibly be representative of Ms. Grant's fans, rather than of some small number of unfortunate Christians who are unable to think or reason for themselves and are in the habit of simply putting blind faith in something they read somewhere? Don't you give more credit than that to the people who provide you with what must be a more than comfortable salary? Far more, I'd be willing to bet, than the combined earnings of all the biblical prophets, priests, apostles, and Jesus put together? (Jesus did say his followers would do greater works than he, although it's possible that piling up cash and holdings wasn't what he had in mind.)

Date: Fri, 31 Oct 2008
From: "Joshua Solomon"

Dear Ms. Cooke:

I fully understood that you sought to stop Deuce of Clubs from using the amygrant at deuceofclubs e-mail address. While I do not necessarily agree that utilizing it is illegal, my client respected your objection, and agreed to cease doing so. What I was objecting to (aside from your officious tone) was your demand that "(t)he page must be down by November 1, 2008 or I will turn this over to legal authorities." You did not merely "suggest" that he had to remove the page. You threatened turning this over to law enforcement—a decidedly nasty way of making even a reasonable request (which this clearly was not).

Because you obviously fail to appreciate the humor in the Amy Grant's Mandible website, it appears I need to explain that what makes it amusing is the fact that it is so staggeringly obvious that it is NOT an Amy Grant site, yet strange and very dumb people think it is. Their messages and my client's tongue-in-cheek responses are all part of the show. You will note that there is not an instance in which a reply comes from "Amy Grant." Most correspondence is simply signed "Amy," generally followed by an emoticon. While it is entirely possible that someone (coincidentally) named Amy is responding to e-mails to Amy Grant's Mandible, "Amy" in this context is simply the Mandible's foreshortened nom de plume. Suggesting that Amy Grant's Mandible cannot sign an e-mail "Amy ;-p" is tantamount to suggesting that your client cannot sign e-mails with her first name alone, lest she be confused with Amy Winehouse (I venture to say, a similarly unlikely mix-up). The e-mail address will change. "Amy" will continue to answer messages from numbskulls.

With that out of the way, I would like to extend to you an offer my client made to the CAA representative who was contacted in order to determine where to send [redacted]'s e-mails. Not only will Deuce of Clubs continue to forward these bizarre messages (if that is your wish), its representatives are willing to make an effort to ascertain the sender's whereabouts. I do not know whether people in Ms. Grant's position take such pro-active measures, but the offer is there. Naturally, Deuce of Clubs will also cooperate with any criminal investigation if this matter is turned over to the legal authorities (which would be the appropriate use of law enforcement in this situation).

By the way, I cannot resist commenting on the fact that you thought that Amy Grant's Mandible cast a strange light on my client's activities in general. While I accept that you may not understand or appreciate the humor embodied in the site, I suggest you be less quick to pass judgment on a person based upon so little information. I imagine you would be surprised (and perhaps pleased) to learn that the individual responsible for deuceofclubs.com and Amy Grant's Mandible is a bible scholar who is fluent in ancient Greek, and has read the Good Book in its earliest (available) iteration. In any event, your reaction to the content on the website is not an excuse for failing to exhibit common courtesy. You may want to consider both your judgmental behavior, and your judgment. You seem prone to jumping to unlikely conclusions about others. I very much doubt that Larry Flynt, of all people, would have a problem with his name (both first and last) being associated with parody. I am certain that he would have absolutely no objection to someone answering e-mails as Larry "Flint."

My apologies for preaching. It's just that I have a genuine problem with the "punishment" of good deeds. Please feel free to contact me if you are interested in gathering additional information about Mr. [redacted].

Very truly yours,
Joshua Solomon, Esq.

Therefore, Ms. Cooke, believing as I do that I am fully within my rights, I will continue to respond to emails sent to the body part of a rich and famous gospel singer. This page isn't going anywhere. (Though if it were to disappear, it wouldn't surprise me at all if it were suddenly and spontaneously mirrored on servers in foreign countries by persons unknown even to me. These things happen.)

Finally, I'd like to emphasize that I have no animus against Amy Grant. I can't call myself a fan of her music (there's definitely worse Christian music out there) or her religion, but she has always seemed to me a decent and reasonably ordinary person (you wouldn't find me running a website called Jimmy Swaggart's Mandible or Jim Bakker's Mandible or Mike Warnke's Mandible or Peter Popoff's Mandible or even Ted Haggard's Mandible). I suspect, however, that future music historians will remember Amy Grant less for her music than for her religious stance. So how about not screwing that up for her, huh? You don't have to like the things I say, Ms. Cooke, and you certainly don't have to "defend to the death my right to say them," but it'll suit us both better if you simply ignore them. If my idea of humor isn't for you, there's still enough freedom left on this continent (if only barely) that anyone who would want to can probably still rent VHS tapes of Touched By An Angel to watch, safe from ridicule, in the safety and privacy of their own homes.

As you may know, before it was common for Christians to persecute and execute pagans, it wasn't entirely uncommon for pagans to do the same to Christians. If the most Amy Grant and her minions have to worry about is some jackass with a goofy website, that's a pretty light cross to bear, wouldn't you agree?

(And not that you're still reading by now, but if all this isn't good enough for you, I'll close with the words of another great religious figure: "Fuck 'em even if they CAN take a joke!")

Mandibular wishes,
Amy Grant's Mandible

P.S.—If a disclaimer for the Mandible Mailbag should ever come to seem necessary to me, here's my first draft:

A Very Special Message to Amy Grant's Fans from Amy Grant's Manager, Ms. Jennifer Cooke

Amy Grant's Manager, Ms. Jennifer Cooke, considers Amy Grant's fans TOO STUPID to understand and appreciate the humor on this page.

While many of the Amy Grant fans whose emails are featured on this page are, indeed, TOO STUPID to understand and appreciate the humor on this page, I find it hard to believe that Ms. Jennifer Cooke would suppose that any more than a tiny fraction of a percentage of Amy Grant's fans could be quite that IDIOTIC. Ms. Jennifer Cooke, however, does think SO LITTLE of your intelligence that she would censor this page if it were legal for her to do so. But it is in fact neither legal nor necessary, since it seems unlikely to me that intelligent fans of Amy Grant would require Taliban-style policing on their behalf.

A further disclaimer was suggested by my attorney, J. Solomon, Esq.:

As your attorney, I suggest you include something like this:

Disclaimer Disclaimer: The foregoing disclaimer and the views expressed therein do not necessarily reflect those of Amy Grant’s manager, Ms. Jennifer Cooke, the firm of Blanton Harrell Cooke & Corzine, their predecessors and successors in interest, heirs, and/or assigns, nor any, past, present, and/or future officers, directors, shareholders, agents, employees, parent or subsidiary organizations, affiliates, partners, and/or any party represented by same. Any resemblance of the aforementioned views to those of any real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. If you do not understand or cannot read this disclaimer, please do not continue to use or access this website. If this condition persists, consult your physician immediately. No animals were harmed in the production of this disclaimer.*

*Hi, Cactus!

Attachment: falwells_first_time.jpg

Comments

From: Felicia
Subject: Um
Date: Fri, 19 Dec 2008

Wow.

Will you marry me again?

you know i'd marry you any day of the week, darlin', if i were the marrying kind and you didn't mind a long-distance marriage to a blasphemous desert rat.

Turns out I'm not the marrying kind either. How about living in sin?

say, that sounds like fun.

I'd move there and cook for you.

oh, you're always cookin'. but you don't mind cooking over a fire ring?

Please. Fire pits are my life.

i had no idea you were such a frontierswoman!

I'm not, but you're worth it.

Hold on a sec—are you living out under the big wide open? If you check the yes box, I drive to Bisbee tonight. OK, maybe that's hasty and presumptious of me, but as I get older, I am discovering (or perhaps no longer ignoring?) my inner anti-establishment inclinations. I don't think there is a salve for that.

i sure hope there isn't, cos i don't wanna be cured. i like my days to be filled with desert.

From: Laurie M.
Date: Mon, 24 Nov 2008

Ah yes I've been meaning to email you because I read this in its entirety about a week or so ago and enjoyed it immensely. It was your writing that really had me going. I mean it's just like all your writing—it didn't surprise me—I've come to expect it. Your mandible commentary is dense bulletproof informed logic and reasoning regarding christianity backed by scripture mixed with your humour.
"JESUS CHRIST PEOPLE YOU'RE WRITING TO A WEBSITE ABOUT A JAWBONE."

From: Lou Minatti
Date: Sun, 16 Nov 2008

Doc,

I think Mr. Solomon's response to the Grant Camp's demands is most reasonable, as is your willingness to change your email address. I do not think they have a mandible to stand on.

But -- the Black Goat of the Woods With a Thousand Young? Is this from Howard Phillips Lovecraft's Jawbone?

for all i know, it's the genuine shub niggurath, in the slime* (that might help explain my luck recently.)

*i imagine it would be slime, rather than flesh, not that i'm all that schooled in the ways of The Old Ones.

Date: Sat, 15 Nov 2008
From: Joshua Solomon
Subject: More Reviews.

My friend Eve sent me a rant about how her twat neighbor showed up this morning before eight, pounding on her door trying to hire her carpenter husband to build a handicap ramp for her. Eve was stark naked, and simply wanted to take a piss and go back to bed. I'm not really doing the story justice, but the upshot is that she asked me if I had any good naked stories for her. I didn't, so I sent her "the link" — to which she responded thusly:

"no...no...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I can't breathe and I think I pissed my pants. Have I told you that I love you? I really fucking love you. And Doc had me at 'act all cunty.' I want to kidnap him and keep him in my pocket at all times. I was wondering if that was your Doc, and then when I saw the letter from his lawyer...what can I say. This is better than 100,000 naked stories. ALMOST as good as gay sex. I don't know what to do with this feeling I'm experiencing right now. Maybe 'The Mandible' would have some sage advice.
*twitch*twitch*twitch*"

Note: To Eve, gay sex is a very, very good thing.

Judging from the reactions, you're going to be single-handedly responsible for making "cunty" the new coolest derogatory term.

J

2009: Year of the Cunty

From: The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young
Date: Fri, 15 Nov 2008

Your lawyer is indeed the finest in the land.

may i quote you on that?

Absolutely. Doubly so if it'll get you a cut in fees.

he'd be nuts not to do his best for a cpf of an Elder God!

From: Yma
Date: Fri, 14 Nov 2008

i just read through it and OMG i laughed so hard! while i enjoyed so many parts of it, my favorite had to be when the manager talked about questioning your activities in general and i literally laughed out loud and thought, she just really has NO idea. but then to have your lawyer address her questioning your activities in general... that was just awesome. and you have the coolest lawyer in the world. and i didn't know you were a bible scholar. i mean, i knew you were wicked smart and all, but not a scholar. can i have your autograph?

$5—in gold, only, please (no FRNs)

i don't have a box of candy available, but i do have a box for vick's vaporub. would that do?

i'll sign anything a Sharpie can mark on.

that open letter is now my favorite page on your site. huzzah.

From: Robb
Subject: Almost peeing alert
Date: Thu, 13 Nov 2008

"act all cunty"

That is priceless. So priceless I don't even mind my least favorite word being involved.