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From: Harry
Subject: amy

do you think it's maintainable that, like Hannibal, she has the mandible of a cannibal?

From: pbm972
Subject: SNOOTCHIE BOOTCHIES~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do you have any suggestions on how I could find out Wagner's hat size?
I tried to try on one of his hats in Whanfried, but they threw me out.
This is not a joke. I really want to know.

Sean P. Malley

well, sean, i really don't know where you'd look for that kind of information. wagner had a reputation for having a peculiarly large head--i'm talking skull here, not ego, though that was exceptionally large, too. what i don't know is whether his head was large compared to other peoples' heads or whether it just looked large on his comparatively tiny body.

btw, when you tried on wagner's hat (do you mean beret?), did it fit?

From: Chris Mitchell
Organization: Future Publishing
Subject: It's toasted

Hello Deuce,

it's Chris here, the English guy who came to BM with Patti Pnyboy Girlie Toolshed this year - having carried around my acid-laced Cardhouse swizzle stick for the last three months,

hope you "saved it for the Burn"

I finally got round to doing the by-now-traditional hour-long trawl through Cardhouse while at work, and been occasionally inserting a fist in my mouth to keep from laughing (makes answering the phone somewhat difficult though).

i live to make the workplace difficult / bearable

Greatly enjoyed the BM piece (except you didn't mention me, you bastard)

'cos you didn't weasel your way into any wagner photos

and felt thoroughly jealous that I couldn't make it back out to SF for Westfest - still, maybe Houston next year - although I seem to remember Patti saying something about Houston might not be happening - any ideas?

maybe she meant that she wouldn't be coming. as far as i know, the houston art car weekend is scheduled to take place next april, as usual.

In the meantime, if you fancy some literature, have a look at my site SPIKE (

*excellent* site, my friend. i loved the camus (daughter) interview--i'm a huge, huge fan of The Rebel. in fact, i just gave a copy to ms. bond last weekend in tucson. when i have some more time, i'm going to spend some quality time murking around spike!

Take it easy, and don't let those pharmaceutical suckers of Satan's #%&$ get you down...

i think they gave up.

From: Chris Mitchell
Organization: Future Publishing
Subject: Re: btw. . .

there. you're mentioned now.

Uh, thanks. I think. Glad you enjoyed the Camus interview and thanks for the sub - (adopts wheedling voice) any chance of making that mention of the SPIKE address live on the ravers page

(adopts exasperated with English people voice)
this page is a guide to this site--a genuine American site.

just think, people might get RSI cutting and pasting it into their location box.

(adopts exasperated with RSI sufferers voice)
RSI sufferers can direct their complaints here.
that is, if they can manage to paste my e-mail address into their "to:" box.

Have you read The First Man? Don't get put off by the fact that it's unfinished - it's a truly fabulous book - it would have been his masterpiece. Oh well...


From: Chris Mitchell
Organization: Future Publishing
Subject: pedantry

Mr D,

just noticed you've edited two things in my last mail - you changed "litterature" to "literature" thus ruining my subtle reference to Ezra Pound and oh-so-English self-deprecation -

references to fascists are not permitted on this web site.

and you changed [#%&$] to some jumble of symbols,

cuss words are not permitted on this web site, damn it.

thus violating the memory of the late great Bill Hicks -

references to comics are permitted on this web site--
--they're just not CLICKABLE

more importantly, Mr D, I'm surprised at your censorship - we're all adults here, honest...

censorship, schmensorship. go back and read Areopagitica.

Yours in mock indignation

(I *will* go and do some work now).

From: Candi Strecker
Subject: Re: 1,000 thanks!

Wow! EXACTLY the way I pictured it would look. Very cool.

Went to the next link and read about the Ferrara Pan Candy pack. We used to live within sniffing distance of their factory, when we lived in Oak Park IL in the early 80s. In the morning, you'd open the back door, step out to assess the weather, take a deep breath, and know immediately: "It's a LemonHeads day." Or "It's an Atomic Fire Balls day." Or, "They're making whatever kind of candy they make that smells like a box of Band-Aids." Never did figure out what THAT one was.

please do not scare me like that, Candi.

From: Kris Sherman
Subject: zulu and strangers

You probably know by now that "The Strangers" on the other side of that Cockeye single is just another incarnation of Deadbolt. Like yer website - you've got alot of stuff I'm interested in and a great sense of humor about it.

From: Ponyboy GirlieToolshed
To: Pope Deuce
Subject: Some un'us

I just gotta tell you this. I have been getting some pretty weird knocks on my door - well, not the actual knocks themselves, but those doing the knocking - they had weird requests..and at all hours, too. Unbelievable. The best was a guy with a duffle bag full of groceries - said: yes, maam, I'm homeless, but I got all this food, I just need to borrow your kitchen to cook some. So I took your cue and put a photo of myself, plus two other badassbabes, toting shotguns and handguns in the desert on my door with a cute little sign which reads, "Knock at your own risk." As you can more wacky knocking or religious zealots. Perhaps you could trade vibrant explication for such a pure, unadulterated bottom line, with visual cue, no less. My door sign basically says, "I am female, and I am psycho." Amazing how that deters potential door knockers, not to mention suitors.

-Ponyboy (GTS model)

so, your "psycho female" sign is intended to deter door knockers; my anti door-knocker sign is intended to deter psycho females (see preliminary questions)

From: Gary R. Johnson
Organization: Urania 235
Subject: pustulent rash

I am notoriously unreceptive to unannounced visitors, and keep window shades pulled at all times, but the obvious signage solution never occurred to me. I just refuse to answer door, expecting ATF battering ram at any moment. Seen them black helicopters yet?

Larry Norman recently performed here in the city of Wayne. I grew up in Wayne in a quaint little Southern Baptist church. And pathetic as it may seem, Norman and his ilk were the only "rock" music I was allowed to enjoy guilt-free for a long time. I've never shaken my love for gospel music, but I couldn't get off work to catch this rare performance.

I use popsicle sticks to more hygienically dole out vaseline while I'm tattooing.

Incidentally, I've been accumulating FP People for ages: I especially like the oversized little people. I also have a special soft spot for damaged - or more specifically, chewed-up teething specimens. I once talked to a machinist about rendering the boy / girl figures in stainless steel, but found it was too expensive. Several years ago, I designed and had 2 FP people tattooed in black and gray on my right bicep. A couple years later, I began to see other people with similar designs, most notably that full-color piece by Jay Wheeler that's been in all the tat mags. Appropriation is a given in the tattoo world!

So much so, in fact, that, while employed by Kinko's near U of Toronto, I decided to tattoo the Xerox logo on my left wrist, along with a copyright symbol and the U2 Spyplane silouette. I saved and laminated the bloody bandages, which bear fairly disgusting semblance to the symbols they oozed from. A reproduction of these tattoos appears in Negativland's Fair Use book.

Gotta Go,


he's right--see pp. 118 & 119

From: Rusty Blazenhoff
Organization: Bigrig Industries

Hey hepcat, we think you're the money, and in the Bigrig groove.

well, now i feel like i pretty much rock.

And rock you do...I urge all to check out Amy Grant's mandible story. Very freakin' funny, the cherry clan and all that. So Bigrig it makes me want to cry. So proud.

i'm still waiting for the bigrig contingent to return to arizona to help me blast my corrosive 7.65's so i have an excuse to buy non-corrosives. just can't wait to go out and do some harmless plinking. you do know how to get to the state capitol building, don't you?

Hey two of Bigrig's executive representatives will be in the Greater Phoenix metropolitan area for one of the two holidays. Perhaps I'll check in my new firearm so we can play in the desert grande. details soon.

rusty <15 minutes> blazenhoff

From: laura
Subject: Works cited

Sorry to hear about your potential legal troubles with the cough syrup people. What in the devil are they thinking?

I thought you might like to know that you have officially entered the world of academia, via a painfully long essay I wrote for my english class on Burning Man. Yes, there on the bibliography, along with citations from "Marian, Maid," and "Rabbit, Jack" is "1,000 Years of Deuce." Took some stuff from "How I Spent My Burn"; hope you don't mind.

Got an A, my teacher loved the Mojave phone booth story. As did I. Your whole site is wonderful and so are you.

Hope all's well in Tempe. I'm hoping to come home this weekend or the next. Let's go to Rosa's or drink Big Red or something...


From: Kelly
Subject: [Wagner in Cairo?]


>the site is great. It's definitely my all-time favorite site >because it's creative, witty, contains a variety of useless and bizzarre >information and most importantly, it has absolutely no socially >redeeming quality to mankind. (from one of my painting buddies Keven Furiya)

What all's involved w/Wagner transportation?He doesn't have a Barbie carrying case,right? Do they ever deny his visa? I'd be game if packed well & no liability. Then again,doubt I could damage him more than his owner...

From: Aussie
Subject: Find your place in the universe

I have endeavored to map the WWW, and Ian has helped me make it clickable. I am smugly proud of this map, and am installing it behind the Torso on my homey page.

From: onion

you my friend are a strange but hilarious person. telling AG she has a nice mandible? letterman can't touch it.

From: Ward Toy
Subject: thanks for the laughs

Hi Deuce,

It was good to meet you at ArtCars Westfest but I never got a chance to tell you that I think the stuff on your website is just screamingly funny. It gets to the point where it's dangerous to read it here at work. The people in the office find it odd that I burst out laughing when I'm supposed to be busy researching some esoteric technical feature or other on one of our servers. It's great stuff.

Thanks. Just knowing there are people looking at my site while on company time makes it all worth while.

What do you do for a living that you can travel, build art cars, eat Twang, create web sites, and write letters to cardinals? Are you the heir to some vast fortune?

I get asked this a lot. The answer, unfortunately, is no.
Although my great-grandfather did once own much of what is now Wickenburg, Arizona.
Or do you have incriminating pictures of Bill Gates sodomizing underage goats?

Not any more, I don't. . . .

In any case, I'm glad you have the wherewithal to keep cranking out your stuff. Did Whip-It! make it back to Arizona okay without shedding too much of her exterior?

Whip It! made it from San Francisco to Phoenix in a single day, with stops at Bottle Village & Henry Hill's, and is now resting comfortably, awaiting the next ArtKar adventure.

Anyway, it's back to work. I need to find an email program that'll let me put an umlaut in your name.


Good luck & thanks for writing!
Deuce of Clëbs

From: Barbara Traub
Subject: Re: arcosanti

thanks for your enlightening interpretation of Wagner's spin on west fester.

It was also nice to read the piece on Dick Dale and what's her name singer in France, not Germany

From: Lazlo Nibble
Subject: sign person letter

Well, they mentioned bowling at least. Five points!

From: Diane A.

Hey Deuce,

I visited your sites. I dove into some of your articles and mohave phone calls and well alot of it. What a great website! Now I know where the time goes. Good job! Now I have a place to visit and keep up with when I am bored. If I knew how to use this technology better I would create my own little web world...that's were I need help maybe we need to web chat soon.............Diane

From: Joe Ault
Subject: I have the solution... the Jehovah's Witness Defense:

BTW, I looked for you at WestFest (on Sunday of the weekend), but didn't see anyone fitting your description (or, at least the description given to me, which was, "He's wearing a white jumpsuit and Australian safari hat"...)


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