Deuce of Clubs Book Club: Books of the Weak

To Deuce of Clubs index page

I'm a Lebowski, You're a Lebowski

Guy Debord: Revolutionary

No Place to Hide

Command of Office

The Christ-Myth Theory And Its Problems

The Christian Delusion

Lincoln's Wrath

How to Do Nothing with Nobody All Alone by Yourself

The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex

Bossypants

Zombie Spaceship Wasteland

Catching the Big Fish

Dig Infinity

The True Adventures of the Rolling Stones

Crazy for God

Basin and Range

Anarchy Evolution

The File

John Ringo

The Supremes

End the Fed

Burning Book

The Hohokam Millenium

God's Middle Finger

Narcocorrido

In Heaven Everything Is Fine

The Shunning

Wisdom Sits in Places

The Marvelous Country

Hamilton's Curse

The Secret Life of Houdini

The Trouble with Being Born

Schulz and Peanuts

First Into Nagasaki

Joe Miller's Jests

Human Smoke

Dirty Tricks Cops Use

A Futile and Stupid Gesture

All For A Few Perfect Waves

Systemantics

Death in the Desert

American Signs

Secret Proceedings and Debates of the Constitutional Convention

Secrets Of A Stingy Scoundrel

The Self-Made Tapestry

A Constitutional History of Secession

The Neurotic's Notebook

Interrogation Machine

Monster Midway

The Harlot by the Side of the Road

Forced Into Glory

Imperial Life in the Emerald City

J. G. Ballard: Quotes

The Compleat Practical Joker

Laugh with Hugh Troy

Pranks!

A Liar's Autobiography

Cobb

Chasing Rainbows

Letters from Tucson, 1925-1927

The Five Fosters

The Giant Cactus Forest and Its World

How to Cheat Your Friends at Poker

World Famous Cults & Fanatics

That's Not All, Folks!

God's Problem

Will Christ Return By 1988?

Fragments of an Anarchist Anthropology

The Whiskey Rebellion

FDR's Folly

Wilson's War

Bully Boy

[If] I Did It

The Dark Side

Secret Origins of the Bible

Godless

The End of Faith

Why I Became An Atheist

"Life's Calendar for 1922"

Churchill, Hitler, and the Unnecessary War

The Negro Cowboys

EXPECT RESISTANCE

Monty Python Speaks

Baseball Between the Numbers

The Psychopath's Bible

Satisfaction

J. G. Ballard: Conversations

Days of War, Nights of Love

Gospel Fictions and Who Wrote the Gospels?

The Real Deadwood

Deadwood

The Revolution: A Manifesto

45

The Secret Man

Stormin' Mormon

From Psyche to Soma

I'll Gather My Geese

The Osama bin Laden I Know

Alias "Paine"

A Man Without Words

The Wild Trees

The World Without Us

Arizona's Changing Rivers

The Phoenix Indian School

Realm of the Long Eyes

John Dillinger: The Life and Death of America's First Celebrity Criminal

Buckey O'Neill: The Story of a Rough Rider

Thanks For Tuning In

Adventures in the Apache Country

Waylon: An Autobiography

My Life: Sunrise to Sunset

Mimes and Miners: A Historical Study of the Theater in Tombstone

The First 100 Years: A History of Arizona Blacks

Enter Without Knocking

City in the Sun: The Japanese Concentration Camp at Poston, Arizona

House by the Buckeye Road

Vanished Arizona

The Big Con

The Astronomy Cafe and Back to the Astronomy Cafe

A Handbook on Hanging

The Sinner's Guide to the Evangelical Right

A Mind Restored

Mr. Show: What Happened?!

Reclaiming the American Revolution

Stumbling On Happiness

Treasure Maps of the Superstitions

Sunny Slope

Did Genesis Man Conquer Space?

Look Homeward, America

Radicals for Capitalism

Kayaker's Little Book of Wisdom

God Is Not Great

The Echoing Green

The Secret Life of the Lonely Doll

K Foundation Burn a Million Quid

The Facts of Life and Other Dirty Jokes and The Tao of Willie

Just Six Numbers and Our Cosmic Habitat

Wild Goose Chronicles

Behind Bars: Surviving Prison

Silent Night: The Story of the World War I Christmas Truce

The Gang They Couldn't Catch

Manhunt

A History of the End of the World

Al Sieber: Chief of Scouts

Apaches & Longhorns

Deep Survival

Captured

DINO

Sock

Bo: Pitching & Wooing

You Are Worthless

You And Your Hand

Access All Areas

Field Guide to the Apocalypse

The War on Terrorism

Those Idiots From Earth

September 11: An Oral History

Mortal Questions

The Heresy of Self-Love

The White Flag Principle

Medieval Panorama

An Honest President

Those Words

À rebours

Peterson's Incident Report Book

Boo! Culture, Experience, and the Startle Reflex

Victory Denied

Nothing, Arizona

A Porcine History of Philosophy and Religion

O Holy Cow!: The Selected Verse of Phil Rizzuto

DOME COMPENDIUM OF TOPICAL TREATMENT IN PROCTOLOGY

¿Hablas conmigo

Thirty-three Candles

Black Monk Time

Men of Distinction

Alexander the Corrector

Space Viking

Mark These Men

Hallucinogenic Plants

Prohibition: An Adventure in Freedom

JESUS! He's Our President

LOVE

How to Watch Football on Television

Merrill Markoe's Guide to Love

Lincoln: The Man and The Car

Whatever Men Know About Women

Biographies of Italian War Heroes

ABC of Espionage

Art Colony Perverts

Devil-ution

Starting Right with Bees

Planet Earth is a Cult

Baseball Letters

Fetish

Dopey Doings

Democracy: The God That Failed

Handgrenade Talk

Hi, How Are You?

het zingen van het ijs

The Museum of Jurassic Technology Jubilee Catalogue

The Rector and the Rogue

Colorful Cacti of the American Deserts

Odd Jobs: The World of Deviant Work

The Hungry Man's Outdoor Grill Cookbook

How to Get Invited to the White House

How to Work for a Jerk

Never Work for a Jerk!

The Mentality of Apes

Your Vigor for Life Appalls Me

Dr. Strange: Sorceror Supreme

Nautical Notions for Nibbling

A Short Introduction to the History of Human Stupidity

The Fake Revolt

Coup D'Etat

History of the Town of Felicity

Hood of Death

Dolls' House Bathrooms: Lots of Little Loos

Border Security / Anti-Infiltration Operations

Living on Light

God is for Real, Man

Did the Apostle Paul Visit Britain?

Twin Peaks

2001

Power Phrases

The Truth About Wagner

The Life of the Bee

Tombstone

Science Looks at Smoking

The Chiricahuas

The New Dark Ages Conspiracy

The Big Question

Everybody's Book of Epitaphs

The Death of the Fuhrer

Mindfuckers

Gorbachev! Has the Real Antichrist Come?

The World's Worst Poet

Alyssa Milano: She's the Boss

Home is the Desert

Nine Lives: From Stripper to Schoolteacher

How to Start Your Own Country

How to Found Your Own Religion

Sex Objects in the Sky

Indian Oratory

Bastard Without Portfolio

The Bedside Book of Bastards

Hopeless -- Yet There Is Hope

Bible in Pocket, Gun in Hand

Margie Asks WHY

Death of a Hippie

Wake Up or Blow Up

Feeling and Form

Guilt

A Mile in His Moccasins

Mojave Desert Ramblings

Passing of the Outhouse

This Way to Happiness

The Happy Life

Young Only Once

The Monkey Gland Affair

Bert Bacharach's Book for Men

The Two Babylons

For Good and Evil: The Impact of Taxes...

Why Christians Crack Up!

Why Do Christians Break Down?

Hava Nagila!

Beethoven or Bust

How to Abandon Ship

Livin' in Joe's World

The Last Democrat

Salvation Mountain

The Varmint and Crow Hunter's Bible

Love in the Western World

Jack the Ripper: Light-Hearted Friend

Little Men of the NFL

No One May Ever Have The Same Knowledge Again

The Secret Museum of Mankind

James Bond's World of Values

We Did Not Plummet Into Space

The Boy Who Didn't Believe IN CHRISTMAS

The Great Escape From Your Dead-End Job

All About Tipping

My Loser Godfrey

A Haircut in Horse Town

Mucusless Diet Healing System

Jefferson Returns

Lincoln Returns

Churchill Returns

Corporation Freak

Null Bock auf DDR

So You're Going on a Mission?

Nudes in My Camera

Why I Hate the Nazis

Flesh, Metal & Glass

The James Beard Cookbook

Mortal Refrains

Deadbolt

Amy Grant: A Biography

The X Cars

We Were Five

Mr. Wilson's Cabinet of Wonder

Hello ... Wrong Number

I'll Kill You Next!

Murder in Vegas

Did MAN Just Happen?

Terror at the Atlanta Olympics

Criswell Predicts

Your Next Ten Years

They Pay Me to Catch Footballs

The Phantom Menace

Just For Fellows

The Lopsided Gal

Astrology and Horse Racing

The Cokesbury Stunt Book

The Origin of Things

Remarks on the History of Things

U.S. Government Sewing Book

Funeral Tributes II

Blinky, the Friendly Hen

The Serbs Choose War

My Mystery Castle

Iggy

Funeral Customs the World Over

The Right to be Let Alone

Mormonism and the Negro

The Church and the Negro

Preacher with a Billy Club

Fighting Parson of the Old West

Invisibility: Mastering the Art of Vanishing

How to Disappear Completely

The Gentle Art of Making Enemies

How to Catch a Man, How to Keep a Man, How to Get Rid of a Man

Langenscheidts Konversationsbuch

Marlene Dietrich's ABC

The Bible in the Hands of Its Creators


The Shunning

Beverly Lewis (1997)

a.k.a.

Thee Grayte Amish Fiction Reading Experimente of Twenty and Ten

with

The Deuce of Clubs Amish Fiction Book Club

 

—sure, sure, of course. But even though the ancient Spartans aren't ethically or morally admirable, there's always a certain amount of interest (possibly morbid) in people who are bizarrely singleminded—wouldn't you agree?

Oh, hel-LO, there. And WEL-come! <sets empty martini glass on passing butler's tray> You caught me mid-sentence, there. In medias res, as we say in the lit biz. <wipes caviar-smeared fingers on fancy smoking jacket front> Say, speaking of literature and bizarre singlemindedness, have I mentioned that I just read an AMISH ROMANCE NOVEL?


[Note for Overly Busy People with Lives and Responsibilities More Important than Mine, Who are Too Busy to Read an Entire Web Page About an Amish Romance Novel (Let Alone Read an Amish Romance Novel):

If you're just looking for the short answer, then...

A: ...yes. The Shunning is as big a turd as any intelligent reader would suspect it would be. The End, Selah.]

Now, for the more curious among you (a.k.a., those of you cruising the web on work time <wink>)....


"You best be reverent when ya speak of the shunning." (p. 245)


My heartiest condolences to you, fictional Amish character trapped in a crappy romance novel, but I don't think I can manage that. I mean, I can kind of reverence the custom of shunning, itself (I'd love to see it revived and widespread and directed against bureaucrats and their lackeys everywhere). I just can't seem to budge the reverence lever <elbows you in the buttonless suspenders> for Beverly Lewis's absurd and badly written book named for shunning. (To be honest, I couldn't even trouble myself to find out why Lewis uses Meinding as the Amish term for shunning, whereas the Amish word for shunning seems to be Meidung. But, based on past experience with disparaging religious matter here at Deuce of Clubs, I'm sure I'll find out soon, by way of some museum piece of an ungrammatical marvel of an email from an irate Beverly Lewis fanatic.) (Or, if history's any guide, a flood of emails.)

But what I'll pretend all you religious people are wanting to know is: How did I get myself roped into reading an Amish romance novel?

Well, see, my extended familial situation is strange and uncomfortable in that, on either side of my parentage, I am the lone non-fundamentalist Christian. (If you're one of those census takers I'm always having to duck, you can classify me as an atheist anarchist . . . ya Nosey Parker). What that means is that I find myself in sympathy with very few of their pursuits and they are (by design) mostly ignorant of the blasphemies that would horrify them regarding mine. So it was weird when by chance I found out that a few members of my bloodline (and many of their friends) seem to be a little bit addicted, frankly, to reading various types of Christian-themed romance novels and trading them among one other.

Now, if I may be frank two times in a row . . . I'd say it's hard to see how reading romance novels, religious-themed or otherwise, falls under the category of "redeeming the time, because the days are evil"—and I'm almost sure it isn't what the nobleman in Jesus's parable meant by "occupy till I come." I wouldn't think a Christian would want to be found in the middle of reading some Christian romance novel when Jesus returns (especially when it's entirely possible that the Lamb of God prefers vampire and werewolf fiction—although that would at least go some distance toward explaining the success of Stephenie Meyer).

My relatives like to swap these religious romance novels among each other but the stories in them are evidently so interchangeable that it's hard for them to remember which ones they've read, so as each person in the group finishes reading one of them, she'll inscribe her initials inside the front cover, so as to avoid the calamity of inadvertently re-reading a religious romance novel that's so unremarkable in every way that it's almost impossible to remember having read it.

(Their initialing scheme reminded me of this lady I once saw in a used book store, who brought in a box of romance novels to trade in and had a checklist of romance novels she was looking for. But there were no book titles on her list. Instead, she requested each book by number—as one does, of course, with all great literature. And baseball cards.)

It's hard for me to see the point of spending large chunks of time reading books that have to be numbered because numbers are about the only thing that distinguishes one from another. Plus, if they make so little impression, it seems to me you could get the same effect (and save money besides) by just reading the same book over and over, until Jesus comes back and slaps it out of your fat hand.

Even if one views life as a mere marking of time, reading romance novels seems like a sad way to do it—and reading religious romance novels seems approximately quadruply sad.

If you already want to kill yourself today, don't look at this:

3 Odd Foot of Grunts? Kind of: it's ma's shelf of fine Amish romance novels.
[Image tilted vertically for ease of sadness.]

But then I overheard my relatives talking about something supremely sad: Amish romance novels.

W-H-A-T what?

There's such a thing as AMISH ROMANCE NOVELS. What? Thee? Fooking? Fook?

And something clicked. Something primal. I was somehow compelled (maybe in the name of blood-related solidarity or cultural bridge-building, maybe plain old manmade-disaster-bystanderism) to take part in this quaint and disheartening family tradition—though only once, of course; as the philosopher Voltaire said, upon turning down an invitation to experience an orgy for the second time, "Once, a philosopher; twice, a pervert." (Although, unlike a second orgy, if I were to read a second Amish romance novel, apparently I would not remember it.)

To make my experiment in Amish romance even sadder, I decided, in the spirit of Amish technological forward-lookingness, to share my sadness by live-Tweeting ("Tweet" = <barf>) my reactions to this literary abortion over the Internet.

(And no one even tried to talk me out of any of this. I thought I had friends, man!)

The good part was that reading the novel took only a few quick sittings. The phrase light reading might have been devised for just such a book as this. And how was the book?

Well . . . that was the bad part. You know how seven out of ten people (note: made-up, bullshit statistic) who reviewed Kick-Ass and liked it somehow came up with the idea of saying it "kicked ass"? Now think of the most basic and obvious response to the title The Shunning and you'll know both how the book was and how I'll be responding to all future Amish romance novel reading opportunities. The Shunning most definitely does not kick ass. The experience of reading it was like some oddball wrestling match, possibly similar to the ludicrous contest described in the Bible, between Jacob and YHWH-disguised-as-an-angel (or, depending upon one's theology, the pre-incarnate Christ), except that in this agonizing competition, (a) horror grappled with hilarity until I felt I'd been butt-violated by a funny bone in the shape of a buggy whip, and (b) my "thigh sinew" (whatever that is) seems to have emerged from the experience intact (for all I know).

I did succeed in reading the entire book (this ain't my first bungling Christian fiction rodeo, cowboy). I got through it the way I do whenever I read an ineptly written book: by imagining what it'd be like if someone wrote it who didn't suck. Usually someone such as Dostoevsky, Hemingway, or Kafka, but in this case, you could almost pick another author at random and be nearly statistically certain that your choice of author could not possibly suck more than Beverly Lewis. And it's the fault of Beverly Lewis, not the Amish. Interesting novels can and are written about dull, misguided, insular people. They just can't be written by celebrating dullness, misguidedness, and insularity. What makes it worse is when they're written by an artless, hammy, sappy, cliché-ridden romance novel hack. (Am I looking at you, Beverly Lewis?) (A: I am looking at you, Beverly Lewis.)

If you'd like to read further, more specific, disbelieving and unforgiving criticisms of (read: pot shots at) the book's contents, you'll find them "Tweeted" <oof> below in my customary suave and urbane style, but—please—don't think I'm under the impression that an interest in great (or even competent) writing is what leads a person to resort to curling up with a book detailing the exciting lives of people who [hrmm, let's avoid the word shun...let's go with . . . avoid! No, wait:] eschew automobiles, guitars, and electricity—though,

Imagine this is how you are:

—now try to imagine NOT making up dull stories about Amish people. (Impossible, right?)

curiously, not wheels, eyeglasses, or propane. For familial reasons, I don't want to go into what, exactly, I think chases certain types of people into the arms of such a complete horseapple of a book. (Eat my mixed metaphor, Amishmongers!) If, though—and I'm only going by the novel, here, but—if the Amish have such a problem with guitars and humming tunes that aren't thankful and joyous hymns about sinners in the hands of an angry god, I have to wonder what they think of Amish romance novels?

I wouldn't have to wonder about that if I worked for the marketing division of a publishing house. In fact, wondering what a bunch of weirdos in beards and bonnets think about anything, least of all Amish romance novels, is the last thing I'd have to do, even if the publisher published Amish romance novels. That's because the target audience for Amish romance novels seems to consist almost exclusively of non-Amish religious women who somehow wish they could be even more repressed by a traditional Western religion than they already are. And holy cowbells is that one tongue-down-the-throat of a marketing strategy. The Shunning? More like, The Stunning—in that it temporarily paralyzed my desire-to-write muscle when I discovered that this puddle of butt dribble sold over HALF A MILLION copies! Not only that, but someone's making a movie of it. True, that someone is said to be Michael Landon, Jr. (son of the late Little House on the Prairie <cough> and Highway to Heaven <ack> star). And it'll be a production of Hallmark, which has the golden touch when it comes to turning the crappiest material into even crappier movies.

Even so, admit it—especially if you're a writer who makes every effort to do good and meaningful work (or even just spew amusing nonsense that doesn't completely suck)—wouldn't you be happy to receive even a tiny slice of what Christians spend on utter crap and nonsense practically every nanosecond of any given day?

<curtain falls; it's decorated with a giant frownie face>


We thank you for attending this meeting of the Deuce of Clubs Amish Fiction Book Club (DOCAFBC)!

IMPORTANT DEUCE OF CLUBS AMISH FICTION BOOK CLUB NOTE: The Deuce of Clubs Amish Fiction Book Club (DOCAFBC) is hereby disbanded. All former members are admonished to be ashamed of themselves. We shall never again discuss (or, one hopes, mention) Amishphilic or Amish-centric fiction. Never, ever, ever (x ∞).

IMPORTANT DEUCE OF CLUBS NON-AMISH FICTION BOOK CLUB NOTE: The Deuce of Clubs Book Club shall continue to exist, and shall not allow this unfortunate lapse into wholesomeness to result in reviews or discussions of reruns of Touched By An Angel or Highway to Heaven. While I admit that I still have the borrowed copy of The Shunning in my possession, I'm almost sure I won't forget I've read it and accidentally read it again, and if I did, I wouldn't tell you, nor would I tell you whether I wrote my initials inside the front cover, and when I return it, I definitely won't be telling my relatives what I've written here. Instead, I'll try being nice, just to see what that's like.

(Or did the Amish get to me after all?)

<Ominous Doctor Phibes organ chords>

<Six burly Amish farmers with axes appear and go all Carrie Nation on the organ>


Postscript: Last month (apr2010), Beverly Lewis published yet another goddamned Amish romance novel. Keep fucking that werechicken*, Beverly.

*[were·chicken \'wir-chi-kən n. were + chicken from OHG wer, man + ME chiken, chicken : 1. Like a werewolf, except . . . a chicken. 2. A synonym for WTF. Origin: Twitter, 2010 < blunderbussed "#werechickens is going to be my wtf tag."]


 

The Live Tweeting of The Shunning:

My ma, sis & niece read Amish romance novels. I asked ma to pick one for me to read. Whichever one doesn't have Harrison Ford is fine by me.

They initial inside the front cover as a tacit admission that if you've read one Amish novel, you've read them all. I might regret this.

Turns out, Amish romance novels aren't by just one author--they're *a whole genre*. Behold, the earth hath many varieties of crazy persons.

What could Amish conflict be? They don't even have to worry which TV channel to watch. But: an Amish character uses a credit card, I'm DONE.

Ma picked out "A Sister's Secret." Zzz. "A Cousin's Love" sounded intriguing, till I read the back cover (no Amish Appalachians, turns out).

I picked "The Shunning." I thought it said "The Shining" & was like, WHAT?!? It's about some baby clothes in the attic. ZOMG

Ma asked me not to destroy the book after I'm finished. She was completely serious. (What kind of non-Amish animal does she think I am?)

I'll tell you, though: I'm going to be mightily disappointed if there's no "bundling." (That's an Amish thing, right?)

Wow, these Amish characters are every bit as much fun as you'd expect people who run around quoting the Bible all the time would be.

It's hard to imagine how bored of life I'd have to be for stories about Amish people to work as escapist literature.

p. 16: A bodice! But: it's a baby bodice. p. 72 OMG KISS! But: "he leaned close and kissed her cheek." It's like boob flix on TV: no bewbs.

Still: KISSING!!!1@! #Amishboner

"Amish folk relied on propane gas to run their refrigerators, and a battery-operated well pump." Needed: Amish version of the show Cheaters.

p. 96: "There's just not many left around these parts who live the way the Lord God intended from the beginning." What--with propane?

It's a narrow definition of technology that doesn't take in THE WHEEL. Or EYEGLASSES. Or YOUR NEIGHBOR'S TELEPHONE. What's the Amish cutoff?

At least a Lifetime movie'd have some mayhem or adultery. This novel's protagonist is conscience-stricken over "humming forbidden songs."

Damn, even _Left Behind_ would have some external conflict. Inner turmoil over a hummer, I could forgive, but humming = "willful sinning"?

"Maybe if you'd destroyed that instrument of evil when I first caught you at it, that guitar wouldn't be destroyin' you now" (p. 32).

According to this book, the Amish view the Mennonites the way punks viewed New Wavers.

Here's something: "As the presiding elder, it had been his duty to administer the rites as the tin cup spilled baptismal water over her..."

"...head and down her face. But he'd not been prepared for the silky feel of her auburn hair beneath his fingers." (p. 97)

"He would gather his new bride into his arms here in this very bed--hold her tenderly and demonstrate his love for her." (Not buying that.)

Because when Christians hear "bride," they think "Christ." How's anything supposed to get done on wedding night with THAT in your head?

p. 126: "Will you destroy that instrument of evil?" "I will destroy the instrument of evil." [<stabs pastor> "Oh--you meant the *guitar*?"]

I envision Rumspringa more as a mail-order product advertised on late night TV.

p. 132: "Never would she step so far from the fold as to be shunned...." Except, since this book is called "The Shunning"....

p. 139: "CD player? What's that?" "Oh, it's some sort of machine that plays music on tiny little records." "Well, if that don't beat all."

pp. 128-9: "Long after John's visit, but before the afternoon milking, Rebecca met up with Samuel in the barn." #shouldbesalaciousbutisnt

(I'll bet I'm the first person ever to live-Tweet the reading of an Amish romance novel. HISTORY IS BEING MADE HERE PEOPLE)

p. 136: "This woman was even now dying of a terminal disease." [As opposed to dying of a non-terminal disease, you see.]

So far there hasn't been a single swear word in this Amish romance novel.

ZOMG YOU GUYS SHE JUST FOUND OUT SHE'S A FOUNDLING FROM AMONG THE "ENGLISH" (NON-AMISH)!!!!

Check out the clunky lead-in: "Katie was aware of a portentious feeling, as though something she had always known deep down was about to be

revealed--like the missing piece of a life-sized puzzle, maybe, or an explanation she'd waited her whole lifetime to hear."

Now *that* is some shit writing, right there. (Also: Are Amish allowed to play with puzzles?)

"Katie Lapp, running out of her own wedding...well, now, nothing like *this* had ever happened in Hickory Hollow." <knee slap> <chaw spit>

"Since Beiler, at his first wedding, had observed the customary ritual of chopping off the heads of thirty chickens, he delegated the task..

...to three of his brothers and other close relatives, out of respect for his dead wife" (p. 179). Sentimental bastards, those Amish.

Whatever the current mental illness rate, it's underreported if the calculation fails to include readers of Amish-centric fiction.

Thot it was just my family. NOT RELIEVED RT @blunderbussed I could build a barn with all of the Amish romance books we get in at the store.

Uh oh. I'm being followed by "Paranormal Romance"! (Here on Twitter, I mean. In real life I'd be casting an anti-spell or whatever they do.)

Amish romances were revelation enough--now @blunderbussed tells me about NASCAR & Baby on Board romances. I feel so sheltered. #werechickens

It's amazing how literature so chaste is making my intellect feel so raped.

It occurs to me only now that ma may be thinking there's hope I'll be converted to Xtianity by reading an Amish romance novel. #werechicken

Up until now I'm not sure I ever really disliked the Amish. #FORTHELOVEOFFUCKIREALLYAMREADINGANAMISHROMANCENOVEL

"She must've kept her maiden name--and added it onto her married name. I've heard they do such things out in the modern world." #werechicken

"The young Amish couple down the hall just lost their baby. Stillborn...full term--a perfect baby girl." But for the, y'know, stillbornness.

p. 278: "If you are not sitting down, maybe you should be, because, you see, I, your brother Daniel, am alive."

"Indeed, there was an accident at sea, but I did not drown on my nineteenth birthday, as you may have believed all these years."

OMG her birth mom's a lady who's rich now--and dying! Plus, the dead love of her life is alive--& looking for her! Deus ex schmaltzina!

Our heroine gets shunned all the way to the eff! bee! eye! Wait, wrong book! Here she gets to enn! why! see! Holy fucktardism! #werechicken!

"When Rebecca's desperate hacking subsided, the two women clung to each other as though it was to be the last embrace of their lives." DEFT

By the by...the Amish sure do seem to do a lot of lurking and eavesdropping.

Off to sleep...and dream of women with uncovered heads who smoke, drink, fuck, cuss, and hum worldly tunes. Ferhoodly-doo!

So, *shunning* turns out to mean Amish people refusing to talk to you. I get the impression that's meant to be regarded as a...punishment?

A couple's first kiss usually comes before their first wedding anniversary, although I understand this is not the custom in Amish country.

Thanks, everyone, for hanging tough during my brief period of Amish experimentation. I'll write up some final thoughts and post the url.

(Surprisingly, I seem not to have lost any Twitter followers over The Shunning. That's kind of ironic or whichever the word is.)

 


Don't buy this crappy book

To Deuce of Clubs