Stormin' Mormon

Phil Villarreal (2008)

(Rated M for High Mormon Content)

You all know my long-standing LUV of all things Mormon. So how could I not read a comic Mormon romance novel in which two characters fake Mormonism in order to rid themselves of their lovers?

Also it's set in Tucson. I am a Tucson party-san and Stormin' Mormon is the second Tucson-based novel I've read. (The first one was Rebecca Cramer's Mission to Sonora, which I read only because it concerned the murder of "Benton Brody," an imaginary evil Tucson land developer clearly modeled on all-too-real evil Tucson land developer Don Diamond—a slimy bastard who tried to steal some land from me once. Who did he think he was, thinking he could just steal property—a bureaucrat?)

Honorable mention: though Stormin' Mormon neglects to mention Bookman's, it does mention Nico's Taco Shop. +100 BONUS

As Saul emerged from his sputtering stupor to realize that Jerusha was barely restraining laughter, he wanted to strangle himself to free his soul from his body, then float down and bitchslap his own corpse. (34)

Jerusha attempted to remain stern while stifling a giggle. "Last, and most importantly—no polygamy jokes," she said. "We're embarrassed about that." (73)

"You can't go around calling people who aren't Baptists devil worshippers." (74)

"I don't know what to tell you, Shannon," Saul said, attempting to emulate the vacant-eyed look of deluded righteousness he noticed in Brad after he returned from South America. (77)

"Air hockey?" Dena squealed. "You whore!" (95)

"And of course they're obsessed with sex," Dena said. "Why do you think they want to get married in their early 20s? It's all so they can finally screw something other than a crusty tube sock."
"Well, yeah, to make love, and of course to eventually become gods of their own planets, which they'll populate with the spirit children they impregnate you with."
"Ugh," Dena said. "The only thing worse than dating a boring Mormon guy would be to marry one."
"And the only thing worse than marrying one," Jerusha said, "is getting stuck for all eternity ruling over their planet with them." (96)

"I can't trust what, Saul?" Shannon interrupted again. "What, are you going to tell me you can't trust Web sites run by former Mormons, with all the crazy talk about becoming a god and owning your own planet."
"Hey, you can't blame a brother for thinking big," Saul said.
"Or about how they think black people are the spawn of the devil, and their skin color is a curse from God, and that's why they're not allowed to be priests." (115)

Saul groaned. "Arrgh, the monkeylike nonsense you have to go through to get a girl to break up with you." (121)