Deuce of Clubs Book Club: Books of the Weak

I'm a Lebowski, You're a Lebowski

Guy Debord: Revolutionary

No Place to Hide

Command of Office

The Christ-Myth Theory And Its Problems

The Christian Delusion

Lincoln's Wrath

How to Do Nothing with Nobody All Alone by Yourself

The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex

Bossypants

Zombie Spaceship Wasteland

Catching the Big Fish

Dig Infinity

The True Adventures of the Rolling Stones

Crazy for God

Basin and Range

Anarchy Evolution

The File

John Ringo

The Supremes

End the Fed

Burning Book

The Hohokam Millenium

God's Middle Finger

Narcocorrido

In Heaven Everything Is Fine

The Shunning

Wisdom Sits in Places

The Marvelous Country

Hamilton's Curse

The Secret Life of Houdini

The Trouble with Being Born

Schulz and Peanuts

First Into Nagasaki

Joe Miller's Jests

Human Smoke

Dirty Tricks Cops Use

A Futile and Stupid Gesture

All For A Few Perfect Waves

Systemantics

Death in the Desert

American Signs

Secret Proceedings and Debates of the Constitutional Convention

Secrets Of A Stingy Scoundrel

The Self-Made Tapestry

A Constitutional History of Secession

The Neurotic's Notebook

Interrogation Machine

Monster Midway

The Harlot by the Side of the Road

Forced Into Glory

Imperial Life in the Emerald City

J. G. Ballard: Quotes

The Compleat Practical Joker

Laugh with Hugh Troy

Pranks!

A Liar's Autobiography

Cobb

Chasing Rainbows

Letters from Tucson, 1925-1927

The Five Fosters

The Giant Cactus Forest and Its World

How to Cheat Your Friends at Poker

World Famous Cults & Fanatics

That's Not All, Folks!

God's Problem

Will Christ Return By 1988?

Fragments of an Anarchist Anthropology

The Whiskey Rebellion

FDR's Folly

Wilson's War

Bully Boy

[If] I Did It

The Dark Side

Secret Origins of the Bible

Godless

The End of Faith

Why I Became An Atheist

"Life's Calendar for 1922"

Churchill, Hitler, and the Unnecessary War

The Negro Cowboys

EXPECT RESISTANCE

Monty Python Speaks

Baseball Between the Numbers

The Psychopath's Bible

Satisfaction

J. G. Ballard: Conversations

Days of War, Nights of Love

Gospel Fictions and Who Wrote the Gospels?

The Real Deadwood

Deadwood

The Revolution: A Manifesto

45

The Secret Man

Stormin' Mormon

From Psyche to Soma

I'll Gather My Geese

The Osama bin Laden I Know

Alias "Paine"

A Man Without Words

The Wild Trees

The World Without Us

Arizona's Changing Rivers

The Phoenix Indian School

Realm of the Long Eyes

John Dillinger: The Life and Death of America's First Celebrity Criminal

Buckey O'Neill: The Story of a Rough Rider

Thanks For Tuning In

Adventures in the Apache Country

Waylon: An Autobiography

My Life: Sunrise to Sunset

Mimes and Miners: A Historical Study of the Theater in Tombstone

The First 100 Years: A History of Arizona Blacks

Enter Without Knocking

City in the Sun: The Japanese Concentration Camp at Poston, Arizona

House by the Buckeye Road

Vanished Arizona

The Big Con

The Astronomy Cafe and Back to the Astronomy Cafe

A Handbook on Hanging

The Sinner's Guide to the Evangelical Right

A Mind Restored

Mr. Show: What Happened?!

Reclaiming the American Revolution

Stumbling On Happiness

Treasure Maps of the Superstitions

Sunny Slope

Did Genesis Man Conquer Space?

Look Homeward, America

Radicals for Capitalism

Kayaker's Little Book of Wisdom

God Is Not Great

The Echoing Green

The Secret Life of the Lonely Doll

K Foundation Burn a Million Quid

The Facts of Life and Other Dirty Jokes and The Tao of Willie

Just Six Numbers and Our Cosmic Habitat

Wild Goose Chronicles

Behind Bars: Surviving Prison

Silent Night: The Story of the World War I Christmas Truce

The Gang They Couldn't Catch

Manhunt

A History of the End of the World

Al Sieber: Chief of Scouts

Apaches & Longhorns

Deep Survival

Captured

DINO

Sock

Bo: Pitching & Wooing

You Are Worthless

You And Your Hand

Access All Areas

Field Guide to the Apocalypse

The War on Terrorism

Those Idiots From Earth

September 11: An Oral History

Mortal Questions

The Heresy of Self-Love

The White Flag Principle

Medieval Panorama

An Honest President

Those Words

À rebours

Peterson's Incident Report Book

Boo! Culture, Experience, and the Startle Reflex

Victory Denied

Nothing, Arizona

A Porcine History of Philosophy and Religion

O Holy Cow!: The Selected Verse of Phil Rizzuto

DOME COMPENDIUM OF TOPICAL TREATMENT IN PROCTOLOGY

¿Hablas conmigo

Thirty-three Candles

Black Monk Time

Men of Distinction

Alexander the Corrector

Space Viking

Mark These Men

Hallucinogenic Plants

Prohibition: An Adventure in Freedom

JESUS! He's Our President

LOVE

How to Watch Football on Television

Merrill Markoe's Guide to Love

Lincoln: The Man and The Car

Whatever Men Know About Women

Biographies of Italian War Heroes

ABC of Espionage

Art Colony Perverts

Devil-ution

Starting Right with Bees

Planet Earth is a Cult

Baseball Letters

Fetish

Dopey Doings

Democracy: The God That Failed

Handgrenade Talk

Hi, How Are You?

het zingen van het ijs

The Museum of Jurassic Technology Jubilee Catalogue

The Rector and the Rogue

Colorful Cacti of the American Deserts

Odd Jobs: The World of Deviant Work

The Hungry Man's Outdoor Grill Cookbook

How to Get Invited to the White House

How to Work for a Jerk

Never Work for a Jerk!

The Mentality of Apes

Your Vigor for Life Appalls Me

Dr. Strange: Sorceror Supreme

Nautical Notions for Nibbling

A Short Introduction to the History of Human Stupidity

The Fake Revolt

Coup D'Etat

History of the Town of Felicity

Hood of Death

Dolls' House Bathrooms: Lots of Little Loos

Border Security / Anti-Infiltration Operations

Living on Light

God is for Real, Man

Did the Apostle Paul Visit Britain?

Twin Peaks

2001

Power Phrases

The Truth About Wagner

The Life of the Bee

Tombstone

Science Looks at Smoking

The Chiricahuas

The New Dark Ages Conspiracy

The Big Question

Everybody's Book of Epitaphs

The Death of the Fuhrer

Mindfuckers

Gorbachev! Has the Real Antichrist Come?

The World's Worst Poet

Alyssa Milano: She's the Boss

Home is the Desert

Nine Lives: From Stripper to Schoolteacher

How to Start Your Own Country

How to Found Your Own Religion

Sex Objects in the Sky

Indian Oratory

Bastard Without Portfolio

The Bedside Book of Bastards

Hopeless -- Yet There Is Hope

Bible in Pocket, Gun in Hand

Margie Asks WHY

Death of a Hippie

Wake Up or Blow Up

Feeling and Form

Guilt

A Mile in His Moccasins

Mojave Desert Ramblings

Passing of the Outhouse

This Way to Happiness

The Happy Life

Young Only Once

The Monkey Gland Affair

Bert Bacharach's Book for Men

The Two Babylons

For Good and Evil: The Impact of Taxes...

Why Christians Crack Up!

Why Do Christians Break Down?

Hava Nagila!

Beethoven or Bust

How to Abandon Ship

Livin' in Joe's World

The Last Democrat

Salvation Mountain

The Varmint and Crow Hunter's Bible

Love in the Western World

Jack the Ripper: Light-Hearted Friend

Little Men of the NFL

No One May Ever Have The Same Knowledge Again

The Secret Museum of Mankind

James Bond's World of Values

We Did Not Plummet Into Space

The Boy Who Didn't Believe IN CHRISTMAS

The Great Escape From Your Dead-End Job

All About Tipping

My Loser Godfrey

A Haircut in Horse Town

Mucusless Diet Healing System

Jefferson Returns

Lincoln Returns

Churchill Returns

Corporation Freak

Null Bock auf DDR

So You're Going on a Mission?

Nudes in My Camera

Why I Hate the Nazis

Flesh, Metal & Glass

The James Beard Cookbook

Mortal Refrains

Deadbolt

Amy Grant: A Biography

The X Cars

We Were Five

Mr. Wilson's Cabinet of Wonder

Hello ... Wrong Number

I'll Kill You Next!

Murder in Vegas

Did MAN Just Happen?

Terror at the Atlanta Olympics

Criswell Predicts

Your Next Ten Years

They Pay Me to Catch Footballs

The Phantom Menace

Just For Fellows

The Lopsided Gal

Astrology and Horse Racing

The Cokesbury Stunt Book

The Origin of Things

Remarks on the History of Things

U.S. Government Sewing Book

Funeral Tributes II

Blinky, the Friendly Hen

The Serbs Choose War

My Mystery Castle

Iggy

Funeral Customs the World Over

The Right to be Let Alone

Mormonism and the Negro

The Church and the Negro

Preacher with a Billy Club

Fighting Parson of the Old West

Invisibility: Mastering the Art of Vanishing

How to Disappear Completely

The Gentle Art of Making Enemies

How to Catch a Man, How to Keep a Man, How to Get Rid of a Man

Langenscheidts Konversationsbuch

Marlene Dietrich's ABC

The Bible in the Hands of Its Creators


The Wild Goose Chronicles

Trent Harris (1998)

 

It was the week after the L.A. riots. My house had nearly been burned to the ground and my film Rubin and Ed had just been released.
Nobody went.
The city was in a particularly mean mood and a movie about two Republicans trying to bury a dead cat just didn't seem to strike the right chord. (1)

Everyone has heard of Timbuktu but no one is quite sure why. . . . Why is Timbuktu famous? For one reason and one reason only: it's just so damned hard to get to. (10)

My foray into feature films had rendered me penniless; however, my years in Hollywood had left me with one untapped resource. I had in my possession an invitation to the 1985 Sean Penn/Madonna wedding. I also had a thank-you card signed by both. I told her I would sell these items and buy a plane ticket. (11)

One may wonder how the poor son of a tractor dealer from Idaho such as myself ended up at Madonna's wedding. It was 1981 and I was making a student video [Which eventually became The Beaver Trilogy — Doc]. I got Sean Penn's number from a friend, called him up, and offered him the lead. Penn took the part and completely transformed himself into the main character, Larry Huff, a man tormented by his compulsion to dress like Olivia Newton-John. . . . Penn and I hung around a bit, and a couple of years later he invited me to watch him get married.
I think everyone at the wedding, with the possible exception of Sean, knew the marriage was doomed. Most thought the couple would kill each other within a week. Much to Penn's credit, he made it a couple of years before the whole thing melted down. I asked him once what it was like being married to Madonna. He said he wasn't sure because he'd been drunk the entire time. In any case, I always liked Sean and I was grateful to him now for providing me with the means to buy a plane ticket to Timbuktu. (12)

My friend Alex and I were discussing the importance of scary people, individuals who can terrorize the entire United States of America with nothing more than an idea.
For an idea to be truly terrorizing it must be:
1. fundamentally true, and
2. something the average person doesn't want to hear. (18)

I had to admit that Oprah Winfrey had systematically ripped any sense of foolhardiness, anarchy, and danger from our lives. I had to admit that she had answered all questions and that all we were left with was comfort. This thought made me uncomfortable.
It was at that moment that I realized why the wild goose was honking. The wild goose knows that when a man is faced with nothing but comfort, it is only a matter of time before that man goes berserk. The wild goose wasn't an evil spirit at all! The wild goose was my friend! The wild goose was forcing me to go to Timbuktu so that I could terrorize myself back to sanity! The trip was on. (17-18)

Randal gazed through the window at the trees whizzing by. "I know now that time is a funny thing," he said. "I know now that there is more in store for me than I ever imagined." (28)

"I know now that I am a new man," stated Randal.
"I know now that I will travel forever!" (30)

I spotted the Italian girl standing in the market, yelling at her lover. The Italian girl picked up her bag and reboarded the boat. The older woman waited a moment, then picked up her bag and followed. Man, am I glad my life is simple, I thought to myself. (53)

I tried again. "Beer, a big beer, please." Still no one moved. They were all staring at an old television set perched on the bar. I turned and looked and there was President Clinton on the TV. "I did not have improper sexual relations with that girl," he stated. Apparently, Clinton was having problems with his wild goose, too. (55)

Mohammed was a Tuareg in his mid-twenties. He wore the traditional blue turban, an African shirt, and new Levi 501s. He'd never been to school, but he spoke at least three languages. He told me that he was married to his cousin. He said that was common in Timbuktu, and I told him a lot of folks in Utah did the same thing. He then said he would soon take another wife, maybe two. I said a lot of folks in Utah did the same thing. (59)

Itchy was a bad machine, like me and most of the people I like. Being a bad machine simply means you really don't fit in with the crowd you're destined to hang with. (71)

On his third bow to Mecca he spotted something in the distance. "Camels," he said. "Thirty, forty—there." He pointed. I couldn't see a thing. Mohammed showed me how to make my hands into binoculars by forming tiny holes with my fingers and peeking. It worked. I too could see the caravan in the distance. (72-3)

The French really screwed these people big time. In their colonial days they carved up Africa and created countries, paying no attention whatsoever to the traditional empires that had existed for centuries.
So for many years the Tuareg, who are heart-and-soul desert nomads, were governed by suits in Bamako who know little of life in the Sahara. Guess who gets the short end of any stick the government happens to come up with? (75)

Once I was sitting at home, minding my own business, when Warren Beatty called me up and asked me if I wanted to go to dinner . . . so I did. The movie deal he was proposing turned out to be a complete sham. He knew that I was friends with Sean Penn and he knew who Penn was married to. I think I was just a pawn in some perverted scheme Beatty cooked up to get into Madonna's pants. Well, that's what he wanted, and that's what he got, and all I can say is, it serves him right. (79)

The screen was a mud wall painted white. There was no roof so we sat under the stars on a metal bench. As I watched the film, which starred Julie Delphi and Eric Stoltz, I thought to myself, shit, this movie makes even less sense than the ones I make. (82)

The truth was, the more I got to know Clover, the more I liked her. She was intelligent. I admired her independence. I appreciated the fact that she liked prostitutes and was trying to save a forgotten language that no one cared about, and yes, I wanted to tie her to the bed with her panty hose. (90)

My clothes were filthy.
My shoes had holes.
My stomach was in my throat, and I suspected I was coming down with malaria.
In short, I felt and smelt like an elephant had just crapped on my chest.
Yes, I had to admit it. It had been a successful trip. (100)


(See also Trent Harris's Mondo Utah)

Get this book for FREE (though you should buy something from Trent anyway)

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