This is the sign on my door. See if you'd knock (or write) after reading it.

STOP!

BEFORE YOU KNOCK:

...first pause a moment & ask yourself a few simple questions:

First, Please Consider These I M P O R T A N T Preliminary Questions:

Are you a woman? (Yes / No)
Are you a psycho? (Yes / No)

• If you answered "Yes" to only one of these questions, please continue on & answer the questions below.
• If you answered "Yes" to both questions, there's no point in your bothering to answer the rest of the questions: You can be a woman & enter Chez Deuce. You can be a psycho & enter Chez Deuce. But you can't be both, dammit!

Now for the Main Questions:

If you cannot honestly answer "Yes" to at least one of these questions, do me (and yourself--believe me) a favor:

DO * NOT * KNOCK * ON * THIS * DOOR

Note that this goes DOUBLE for RINGING THE DOORBELL!

1. IS IT AN EMERGENCY?

   Yes? Please knock NOW--and LOUDLY!
   No? Please answer question 2.

2. Do you have a delivery for me (a package, a registered letter, money, furniture, reptile, quantities of gold or other valuables)?

   Yes? Please knock NOW -- we like deliveries.
   No? Please answer question 3.

3. Are you an expected guest? That is, have I invited you (willingly and not because you threatened me)? Or, failing that, were you at least kind enough to call ahead first and warn me of your plans to barge in?

   Yes? So knock already, willya? I have steeled myself for your arrival. (And no, there's probably none left. )
   No? Please answer question 4.

4. Is there some other legitimate, over-arching reason that that would lead a reasonable person (i.e., me) to believe that I will be absolutely sure to be thrilled to the marrow to see you?

   Yes? Are you SURE? Then, okay . . . knock--if you must. But it had better be good.
   Please note that among the many things I am NOT interested in hearing are: religious pitches; environmental pleas; invitations to parties, garage sales, bake sales, or neighborhood meetings; and, most of all, christmas carols. (Naturally, these are only examples. Trust me, long is the list of things I am not interested in hearing. If you're not sure, it's safest to assume that I don't want to hear whatever noise it is you're proposing to make at me.)

   No? Then . . .

   G O O D B Y E !

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SPECIAL NOTE TO PEOPLE TRYING TO SELL SOMETHING OR OTHERWISE GET SOMETHING OUT OF ME:
Please observe the sign to the right of this one, the one that says in bold letters "NO SOLICITORS." By "NO SOLICITORS" I do not mean "NO LAWYERS," nor do I mean "NO PROSTITUTES"--although both those prohibitions should go without saying. What I do in fact mean is that you'd better not knock on this door and try to sell me something, or sell me on something, or otherwise get under my skin in some commercial way. I'm not kidding about this. Read the hand-lettered message written beneath the "NO SOLICITORS" sign--the part that says, "NO, YOU ARE NOT AN EXCEPTION." I trust that this, at least, needs no explaining. (If it does, ask somebody else.)

Sorry, but I've been FORCED to this. I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings, honest I don't. My heart is FULL of tender sentiment and the milk of human kindness. It really is. But if I have to slosh lamb's blood on the doorposts, I will do it! Listen, if you feel you absolutely MUST knock, then do this: see the picture of the lion's-head door knocker? Well, it's an imaginary door-knocker. Okay? So, if it'll make you feel better, use it to give an IMAGINARY knock. That means: a knock that makes no sound. Feel better? Good. Now you can go. Thank you, and have a pleasant day. Now, I mean. Go on. Yes, that's it--on your way. Bye-bye.

And here's a note from another.