The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex

Kristen Schaal and Rich Blomquist (2010)

Are you blushing? If so, stop. The sooner you let go of your inhibitions, the sooner you can forgo embarrassment and get that extra face blood into your genitals where it belongs.

In many ways, animals are nature’s sex ed teachers minus the condom and the banana, unless you’re watching baboons fuck in the zoo, in which case one of them might have a banana.

Before sex, life was a lot less complicated. So was making more of it. Single-cell organisms reproduced asexually, meaning "without humping." There were no STDs, no stalkers, no erectile dysfunctions, and no lame bachelor parties with strippers jumping out of cakes you were really excited to eat.

[Caption:] The sextant, an early sex toy that allowed sailors to calibrate both the angle of the dangle (°D) and the motion of the ocean (M)

One of most fervent opponents of masturbation was John Harvey Kellogg, doctor and co-inventor of corn flakes cereal. Kellogg advocated using bandages, acid, shock therapy, and even genital cages to prevent adolescents from pleasuring themselves, which makes it all the more surprising that his cereal featured a giant cock on the box.

Marriage is the fabric of society (specifically cheesecloth, given that it rips half of the time).

Just by looking you will notice that your hand is about seven times larger than your partner’s vagina or anus. Put on a coat of lube armor. You’re going to need it to battle the laws of physics.