"Life's Calendar for 1922"
George S. Kaufman
These are selections from George S. Kaufman's "Life's Calendar."
Alternately, they can be viewed as pre-Onion headlines.
LIFE'S CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 1922
Half a million persons crack jokes about still writing it 1921, 1922.
Patron consults soda fountain menu card before ordering his drink, 1987.
John Hancock born; personally signs birth certificate, 1737.
Eighteenth Amendment proclaimed in effect, 1920. Who cares? 1922.
Queen Victoria dies, 1901. President Wilson coins "Peace without victory" in address to Senate, 1917, Everybody knows what he meant, 1922.
Congress appoints first Tuesday after the first Monday in November as national election day; those who wanted it to be the third Wednesday after the second Friday want to know if there is any justice, 1845.
First California Redwood used as public thoroughfare, 1853.
Actor takes a full three seconds to write a check during the action of a play, 1971.
LIFE'S CALENDAR FOR FEBRUARY 1922
Joseph T. Davis, taxi driver, Chicago, Ill., finds he has change for $5, 1967.
Long distance telephone opened between New York and Chicago; first conversation begins: "I can hear you just as plainly as though you were in the next room," 1892.
Thomas Alva Edison born; completes first day's sleep in one and a half hours, 1847.
Arizona admitted to Union; annual output of picture postcards showing Grand Canyon increases four million, 1912.
German scientist discovers that cheaper form of concrete can be obtained by mixing regular concrete with German marks, 1924.
New York Giants, in training quarters, discover new and phenomenal second baseman, 1908-1922, incl.
Man found in Worcester, Mass., who understands a barometer, 1908.
The revolver invented; "Didn't know it was loaded" used for first time in newspaper, 1836.
Fifteenth Amendment, giving negro full rights as citizen, adopted, 1869. Negroes still trying to get them, 1922. Stage telephone rings on stage, 1976.
Revolving door supplants electric chair at Sing Sing, 1929.
LIFE'S CALENDAR FOR MARCH 1922
William Dean Howells born; New England becomes self-conscious, 1837.
Folding card table, belonging to Dravosburg, Pa., family, found to have nothing wrong with any of its legs, 1918.
War declared against Algiers, 1815. Grocer in St. James, N.Y., when asked if eggs are fresh, answers "No," 1903.
Villa captured and promptly hanged by Gen. Pershing, 1916.
Valve for steam engines patented; work begun on valve handle wheeze, 1849. Pancho Villa captured and hanged by Gen. Pershing, 1916.
General Post Office established by Congress, 1789. First complaint about it, 1789. Great blizzard, 1888. Pancho Villa captured in Mexico by pursuing troops and promptly hanged, 1916.
Conference to end all wars begins at London, 2319. Pancho Villa shot and killed by own men in Mexico, 1916. Non-Congressman's daughter used to christen battleship, 1908.
Soda fountain clerk places chocolate sundae in front of person who ordered it, 1912.
Pancho Villa narrowly escapes being captured in mountains of Mexico, 1916. First art photograph taken by light of match held cupped in sitter's hands while he lights cigarette, 1872.
Pin-wheel effect with parasols first used by chorus girls, 1843.
Husband in Macon, Georgia, helping wife to hang a picture, gets it right the first time, 1897.
Pancho Villa killed by jealous woman in Mexican mountains, 1916.
LIFE'S CALENDAR FOR APRIL 1922
Lee surrenders to Grant at Appomattox; Augustus Thomas begins first Civil War play, 1865.
Bell tinkles when actor pulls stage bell rope, 1918.
U.S. declares war on Spain, 1898. War loan of $200,000,000 to Great Britain; W.R. Hearst feels it keenly, 1917.
LIFE'S CALENDAR FOR MAY 1922
Four Presidents press buttons in White House, opening the Chicago, Tennessee, Pan American, and Louisiana Purchase Expositions, 1893, 1897, 1901, 1904.
Eighteen English lady diarists refused permission to land at Ellis Island, month's quota having been completed, 1922.
American Magazine runs article about man who didn't turn out to be successful, 1928.
Marshall T. Lapelle, of North Bedlam, Me., found to be using Christmas gift pipe rack, 1904.
Jamestown, first English settlement in America, founded, 1607. Several members of colony complete "My American Impressions," 1608.
Mothers' Day. Convention to draft Constitution meets; Anti-Saloon League representative arriving five minutes too late, 1787.
Expert accountant estimates that railroads annually waste $892,365 by printing "Not Good If Detached" on round trip tickets, 1919.
Albert C. Walker, salesman in Duluth, Minn., receives five-dollar bill from customer and fails to ask: "Haven't you anything smaller?," 1918.
Brooklyn Bridge opened despite everything that New York can do about it, 1883.
Ralph Waldo Emerson born, 1803. Man who gets wrong number on telephone does not insist on knowing which wrong number it is, 1912.
Last Confederate Army surrenders; scenario writers begin work on movies in which Northern lieutenant falls in love with proud Southern beauty, 1865.
Harvey Schneide, of Wheeling, W. Va., believes a "Wet Paint" sign and does not touch the surface to see if it is really wet, 1914.
LIFE'S CALENDAR FOR JUNE 1922
Ford Motor Co. increases capitalization from $2,000,000 to $100,000,000, or 1-1/2 cents for every Ford joke, 1915.
New York taxicab driver slows up to allow another car to get ahead of him, 1914. American newspaper revolutionizes journalism by printing photograph of girl in wedding dress without using caption "A June Bride," 1938.
Andrew Jackson dies, 1845. Guest arriving at home of friend restrains himself from facetiously placing his hat on bust of Shakespeare standing in entrance hall, 1901.
First given point passed by a parade, 1437.
Fire in express office in Atlantic City destroys 1200 tons of prizes consigned to Japanese rolling ball shops on Boardwalk; damage, $2.35, 1909.
FLAG DAY. Three million persons in New York City alone ask why flags are being shown, 1922. Harriet Beecher Stowe born, 1811. First diving suit patented; short story writers begin looking up life and habits of octopus, 1834.
Pure silk shoelace, advertised as 30 inches in length, actually measures 30 inches, 1921.
International commission appointed to find out why restaurants bring on the butter fifteen minutes ahead of the bread asks permission to handle disarmament question instead, 1922.
Battle of Bunker Hill, 1775; double-header in Boston, 1922. Joke from German weekly remains comic after translation into English, 1923.
Old-fashioned insurance agent, seeking audience with business man, admits he is an insurance agent, 1901.
Restaurant opens in Atlanta, Ga., with so many sugar bowls that waiters are not required to steal them from other tables, 1913.
First American troops arrive in France; 319 different accounts of their first words on French soil cabled to American newspapers, 1917.
LIFE'S CALENDAR FOR JULY 1922
Battle of Santiago, 1898. American character in English novel does not say "I calculate," 1906. Modern boy asks what fire crackers were, 1922.
INDEPENDENCE DAY (sic). Nathaniel Hawthorne born, 1804. Stephen Collins Foster born, 1826. Patent Bureau established; patents begin to pend, 1836.
Republican Party founded, 1854; no dancing in streets, 1922.
Vanity Fair reader breaks all records by finding the Table of Contents in 4 minutes and 13 seconds, 1919.
German submarine Deutschland crosses the Atlantic, 1916. Germany wishes it hadn't, 1922. New York newspaper agrees to print picture of Babe Ruth, 1922.
Advertising manager for Campbell's Soups buys a rhyming dictionary, 1887.
Cyrus W. Field lays the Atlantic cable; American papers begin to reprint London editorials, 1866.
World's largest American flag unfurled, 1789-1922, inclusive.
Actor, playing scene over telephone, pauses between lines long enough to create illusion of someone speaking at the other end, 1926.
Battle of Bull Run, 1861. Hottest July 21 on record; thirteen real oranges used to provide Orange Drink for 17,500,000 persons throughout United States, 1922.
Man found in Red Bank, New Jersey, who does not believe his wife would make a wonderful interior decorator, 1917.
Artificial fruit looks real, 1960.
Fourteenth Amendment adopted; Eighteenth gets closer and closer, 1868.
Toupee fools somebody, 1973.
LIFE'S CALENDAR FOR AUGUST 1922
First national census; Smith family leaps into fame, 1790.
Nicky Arnstein's name mentioned in conversation, 1924.
Ingenue, greeting relative in play, doesn't back kick, 1921.
User of coin-box telephone, on completing conversation, doesn't put finger in return slot, 1919.
"America" wins first cup race, 1851. Stranger in New York searches two hours before finding bootlegger, 1922.
First Atlantic liner placed on end beside Woolworth Building to prove something, 1915.
LIFE'S CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 1922
Theory that one brand of gasoline is better than another first exploited on billboards, 1914.
Califomia joins the Union; climate invented, 1850.
Henry Hudson discovers Hudson River, 1609; Jersey's commuters wonder how he ever could have missed it, 1922.
Line about preferring the upper berth anyhow first used, 1886.
J. C. Clarke, haberdasher of East Lima, Ohio, actually moves his business after sale based on the statement that he is compelled to move, 1908.
First newspaper cartoon of season showing football crowding baseball off the stage, 1922.
LIFE'S CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 1922
Traveler back from Europe fails to tell about the liquor they all drank the day before reaching New York, 1924.
Chester A. Arthur born, 1830. Atlanta Exposition, 1881; somebody remembers it, 1922.
James Whitcomb Riley born; Indiana begins practicing dialect, 1853.
Loser in poker game quits early because he is sleepy, 1889.
First telephone connection between New York and Chicago, 1892; New York resident almost gets call through to local exchange, 1922.
Edison produces first incandescent light; "Don't-blow-out-the-gas" joke begins to fight for its life, 1879.
Impromptu quartette doesn't remember "Sweet Adeline," 1909.
Bartholdi's Statue of liberty unveiled, 1886. Quite a number of persons suggest reveiling ceremony, 1922.
LIFE'S CALENDAR FOR NOVEMBER 1922
Kansas goes dry; new uses found for cyclone cellars, 1880.
Female character in Oriental play is not referred to as somebody's Lotus Flower, 1937.
ELECTION DAY; Republican, Democrat and Socialist leaders highly pleased with results, 1922. New York evening papers, printed at seven A.M., announce heavy early vote, 1922.
Montana admitted to Union, 1889. Paul T. Saddle, only man to refrain from remarking about the three-mile limit when seeing friend off for Europe, born, 1890.
First vacant lot next to skyscraper set aside for measuring transatlantic liners, 1902.
Congress meets for first time in Capitol at Washington, 1800; one hundred and ten million people begin to think it would have been just as well if it hadn't, 1922.
John Meredith, born of obscure parents, discovers new method of arranging oranges and apples in dairy lunch, 1921.
First anecdote about poker game in heaven, 473. Nineteen Russian actors discovered still in Russia, 1923.
Labor Day in Louisiana, but only Nov. 25 elsewhere, 1922.
U. S. and Germany sign arbitration treaty, 1904; strong evidence that they must have been joking about it, 1917. Collar button dropped in comic strip fails to roll under bureau, 1967.
Mark Twain born, 1835. THANKSGIVING DAY, strangely coinciding with end of twelfth month of LIFE'S CALENDAR, 1922.