James Abbot McNeill Whistler -- The Gentle Art of Making Enemies / Zsa Zsa Gabor -- How to Catch a Man, How to Keep a Man, How to Get Rid of a Man

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The Gentle Art of Making Enemies (1890),

by James Abbot McNeill Whistler

How to Catch a Man, How to Keep a Man, How to Get Rid of a Man (1970),

by Zsa Zsa Gabor

Two masters of their respective Arts. Whistler you may know as the painter of "Arrangement in Grey and Black" -- or, as it is more commonly known, "Whistler's Mother." Zsa Zsa, I trust, needs no introduction, despite her not being the Gabor sister from Green Acres (that was Eva).

Whistler, a verbal sparring partner of Oscar Wilde, was a witty egomaniac, misanthrope, and, incidentally, one of the nineteenth century's most successful painters, whose success only increased his inborn sense of superiority and isolation.

(From Alfred Werner's introduction to Whistler's book:)
"Asked why he was so unpleasant to so many people, he gave the characteristic reply, `Early in life I made the discovery that I was charming, and if one is delightful, one has to thrust the world away to keep from being bored to death.' Characteristic, too, is the dedication of the present volume, indicating his voluntary alienation from men, `To the rare Few, who, early in Life, have rid Themselves of the Friendship of the Many, these pathetic Papers are inscribed.'"

If Whistler liked too few men, Zsa Zsa Gabor liked too many. (Eight husbands is excessive even for a Gabor.) And although I have to give Zsa Zsa extra points for printing her book on pink paper, the truth is that she is an expert on only two-thirds of her book's subject; keeping a man doesn't seem to be one of her strengths. And she never really explains how to get rid of a man. She does give instructions for catching a man, but most of it pretty much boils down to strategies such as the following:

Bosoms Over Brains
The best way to attract a man immediately is to have a magnificent bosom and a half-size brain and let both of them show.

It's that kind of thinking that got Zsa Zsa into and out of eight marriages. "Personally, I am like Will Rogers." she writes. "I never married a man I didn't like."

Personally, I never knew Will Rogers married any men. Maybe he'd have changed his famous saying if he'd met Zsa Zsa. Or -- God forbid -- married her.