Those Unbelievable Believers:
The Blessed Sounds of
Incredible Christian Song Demos
#01 — Judy from Portland, "Treasures in Heaven" (Intro) (1:41)
I don't know whether wannabe gospel singer Judy wowed any executives, but she wows me every time I listen to her introduce her song, "Treasures in Heaven." Judy has to be the name-checkingest gospel singer since Larry Norman. Unlike Larry Norman, however, Judy mostly drops names of celebrities she has met only in her dreams, or by proxy, in the form of non-celebrities who Very Portentiously have the same names as celebrities.
No. I'm going to call the race. Judy from Portland is crazier than Larry Norman.
Ha ha, just kidding. You believed that? Hell, if you want to be crazier than Larry Norman you have to, I don't know, kill people, maybe? And then eat them? I'm not all that clear on the crazy metric. Could be all that's required is having hosted one of those variety shows in the 70s or something.
I don't know enough about Judy to say for sure that she's never killed and eaten anybody or stunk it up on prime time television. In fact, I don't even know Judy's last name. So, okay, Judy. We'll call it a draw, then, between you and Larry Norman. A gospel music insanity draw.
I don't know whether Judy sent her demo to the record company in its current form, but unfortunately, this lone, precious recording of Judy's fails to include "Treasures in Heaven," the song she so painstakingly introduces.
Maybe it is for the best. If I were a gospel song, no matter how crazy I aspired to be, I'd know better than to try and live up to a boffo-crazy introduction like Judy's.
D E E P T E X T U A L A N A L Y S I S N U G G E T :
The cryptic passage mentioning "a parachute in downtown Portland" makes use of an ancient Kabbalistic literary device known as atbash, whereby cloaked reference is made to Portland's half-century old military surplus store, Andy & Bax.
This song is called "Treasures in Heaven." My grandmother was ninety-four when she died two years ago. And a week after she died, I had a dream about her, and in the dream she said, "Judy, I want you to write a song called `Treasures in Heaven,'" and in the dream she waved goodbye to me, and then, in the end of the dream I was singing "Treasures in Heaven" with Prince, the rock singer. So anyway, this is "Treasures in Heaven," and I hope you like it. I have been involved in church choirs. I sang at the Billy Graham Crusade in Portland two years ago. I was in the soprano choir with Johnny Cash and June Carter. Um, I've collected thousands of clothes for charity, and mainly I just want to sing and do good things. Four years ago, um, I moved up to Portland, Oregon from Fort Worth, Texas and my husband and I bought a camper shell from a girl named Lisa. Marie. Presley. Well, I just found out that the Presleys are my neighbors. They live upstairs. And also, I met a gay man named Patsy Cline last year, while I was singing "Blue Moon of Kentucky." And I bought a guitar in the newspaper from a man named Michael McDonald. And my husband bought a parachute in downtown Portland from a man named Pfc. Dick Clark. The ID tag was from 1958. So, um, pretty much all I do is go to church and do good things. And I think I'm getting a lot of signs that I'm supposed to sing and do good things. So if this music isn't what you want, please tell me what you're looking for, and I'll mail you more tapes. Thank you very much, and I hope you like this.
I sure hope Judy is still out there "doing good things," unless it takes away from her making crazy recordings time.
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