Deuce of Clubs Book Club: Books of the Weak

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I'm a Lebowski, You're a Lebowski

Guy Debord: Revolutionary

No Place to Hide

Command of Office

The Christ-Myth Theory And Its Problems

The Christian Delusion

Lincoln's Wrath

How to Do Nothing with Nobody All Alone by Yourself

The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex

Bossypants

Zombie Spaceship Wasteland

Catching the Big Fish

Dig Infinity

The True Adventures of the Rolling Stones

Crazy for God

Basin and Range

Anarchy Evolution

The File

John Ringo

The Supremes

End the Fed

Burning Book

The Hohokam Millenium

God's Middle Finger

Narcocorrido

In Heaven Everything Is Fine

The Shunning

Wisdom Sits in Places

The Marvelous Country

Hamilton's Curse

The Secret Life of Houdini

The Trouble with Being Born

Schulz and Peanuts

First Into Nagasaki

Joe Miller's Jests

Human Smoke

Dirty Tricks Cops Use

A Futile and Stupid Gesture

All For A Few Perfect Waves

Systemantics

Death in the Desert

American Signs

Secret Proceedings and Debates of the Constitutional Convention

Secrets Of A Stingy Scoundrel

The Self-Made Tapestry

A Constitutional History of Secession

The Neurotic's Notebook

Interrogation Machine

Monster Midway

The Harlot by the Side of the Road

Forced Into Glory

Imperial Life in the Emerald City

J. G. Ballard: Quotes

The Compleat Practical Joker

Laugh with Hugh Troy

Pranks!

A Liar's Autobiography

Cobb

Chasing Rainbows

Letters from Tucson, 1925-1927

The Five Fosters

The Giant Cactus Forest and Its World

How to Cheat Your Friends at Poker

World Famous Cults & Fanatics

That's Not All, Folks!

God's Problem

Will Christ Return By 1988?

Fragments of an Anarchist Anthropology

The Whiskey Rebellion

FDR's Folly

Wilson's War

Bully Boy

[If] I Did It

The Dark Side

Secret Origins of the Bible

Godless

The End of Faith

Why I Became An Atheist

"Life's Calendar for 1922"

Churchill, Hitler, and the Unnecessary War

The Negro Cowboys

EXPECT RESISTANCE

Monty Python Speaks

Baseball Between the Numbers

The Psychopath's Bible

Satisfaction

J. G. Ballard: Conversations

Days of War, Nights of Love

Gospel Fictions and Who Wrote the Gospels?

The Real Deadwood

Deadwood

The Revolution: A Manifesto

45

The Secret Man

Stormin' Mormon

From Psyche to Soma

I'll Gather My Geese

The Osama bin Laden I Know

Alias "Paine"

A Man Without Words

The Wild Trees

The World Without Us

Arizona's Changing Rivers

The Phoenix Indian School

Realm of the Long Eyes

John Dillinger: The Life and Death of America's First Celebrity Criminal

Buckey O'Neill: The Story of a Rough Rider

Thanks For Tuning In

Adventures in the Apache Country

Waylon: An Autobiography

My Life: Sunrise to Sunset

Mimes and Miners: A Historical Study of the Theater in Tombstone

The First 100 Years: A History of Arizona Blacks

Enter Without Knocking

City in the Sun: The Japanese Concentration Camp at Poston, Arizona

House by the Buckeye Road

Vanished Arizona

The Big Con

The Astronomy Cafe and Back to the Astronomy Cafe

A Handbook on Hanging

The Sinner's Guide to the Evangelical Right

A Mind Restored

Mr. Show: What Happened?!

Reclaiming the American Revolution

Stumbling On Happiness

Treasure Maps of the Superstitions

Sunny Slope

Did Genesis Man Conquer Space?

Look Homeward, America

Radicals for Capitalism

Kayaker's Little Book of Wisdom

God Is Not Great

The Echoing Green

The Secret Life of the Lonely Doll

K Foundation Burn a Million Quid

The Facts of Life and Other Dirty Jokes and The Tao of Willie

Just Six Numbers and Our Cosmic Habitat

Wild Goose Chronicles

Behind Bars: Surviving Prison

Silent Night: The Story of the World War I Christmas Truce

The Gang They Couldn't Catch

Manhunt

A History of the End of the World

Al Sieber: Chief of Scouts

Apaches & Longhorns

Deep Survival

Captured

DINO

Sock

Bo: Pitching & Wooing

You Are Worthless

You And Your Hand

Access All Areas

Field Guide to the Apocalypse

The War on Terrorism

Those Idiots From Earth

September 11: An Oral History

Mortal Questions

The Heresy of Self-Love

The White Flag Principle

Medieval Panorama

An Honest President

Those Words

À rebours

Peterson's Incident Report Book

Boo! Culture, Experience, and the Startle Reflex

Victory Denied

Nothing, Arizona

A Porcine History of Philosophy and Religion

O Holy Cow!: The Selected Verse of Phil Rizzuto

DOME COMPENDIUM OF TOPICAL TREATMENT IN PROCTOLOGY

¿Hablas conmigo

Thirty-three Candles

Black Monk Time

Men of Distinction

Alexander the Corrector

Space Viking

Mark These Men

Hallucinogenic Plants

Prohibition: An Adventure in Freedom

JESUS! He's Our President

LOVE

How to Watch Football on Television

Merrill Markoe's Guide to Love

Lincoln: The Man and The Car

Whatever Men Know About Women

Biographies of Italian War Heroes

ABC of Espionage

Art Colony Perverts

Devil-ution

Starting Right with Bees

Planet Earth is a Cult

Baseball Letters

Fetish

Dopey Doings

Democracy: The God That Failed

Handgrenade Talk

Hi, How Are You?

het zingen van het ijs

The Museum of Jurassic Technology Jubilee Catalogue

The Rector and the Rogue

Colorful Cacti of the American Deserts

Odd Jobs: The World of Deviant Work

The Hungry Man's Outdoor Grill Cookbook

How to Get Invited to the White House

How to Work for a Jerk

Never Work for a Jerk!

The Mentality of Apes

Your Vigor for Life Appalls Me

Dr. Strange: Sorceror Supreme

Nautical Notions for Nibbling

A Short Introduction to the History of Human Stupidity

The Fake Revolt

Coup D'Etat

History of the Town of Felicity

Hood of Death

Dolls' House Bathrooms: Lots of Little Loos

Border Security / Anti-Infiltration Operations

Living on Light

God is for Real, Man

Did the Apostle Paul Visit Britain?

Twin Peaks

2001

Power Phrases

The Truth About Wagner

The Life of the Bee

Tombstone

Science Looks at Smoking

The Chiricahuas

The New Dark Ages Conspiracy

The Big Question

Everybody's Book of Epitaphs

The Death of the Fuhrer

Mindfuckers

Gorbachev! Has the Real Antichrist Come?

The World's Worst Poet

Alyssa Milano: She's the Boss

Home is the Desert

Nine Lives: From Stripper to Schoolteacher

How to Start Your Own Country

How to Found Your Own Religion

Sex Objects in the Sky

Indian Oratory

Bastard Without Portfolio

The Bedside Book of Bastards

Hopeless -- Yet There Is Hope

Bible in Pocket, Gun in Hand

Margie Asks WHY

Death of a Hippie

Wake Up or Blow Up

Feeling and Form

Guilt

A Mile in His Moccasins

Mojave Desert Ramblings

Passing of the Outhouse

This Way to Happiness

The Happy Life

Young Only Once

The Monkey Gland Affair

Bert Bacharach's Book for Men

The Two Babylons

For Good and Evil: The Impact of Taxes...

Why Christians Crack Up!

Why Do Christians Break Down?

Hava Nagila!

Beethoven or Bust

How to Abandon Ship

Livin' in Joe's World

The Last Democrat

Salvation Mountain

The Varmint and Crow Hunter's Bible

Love in the Western World

Jack the Ripper: Light-Hearted Friend

Little Men of the NFL

No One May Ever Have The Same Knowledge Again

The Secret Museum of Mankind

James Bond's World of Values

We Did Not Plummet Into Space

The Boy Who Didn't Believe IN CHRISTMAS

The Great Escape From Your Dead-End Job

All About Tipping

My Loser Godfrey

A Haircut in Horse Town

Mucusless Diet Healing System

Jefferson Returns

Lincoln Returns

Churchill Returns

Corporation Freak

Null Bock auf DDR

So You're Going on a Mission?

Nudes in My Camera

Why I Hate the Nazis

Flesh, Metal & Glass

The James Beard Cookbook

Mortal Refrains

Deadbolt

Amy Grant: A Biography

The X Cars

We Were Five

Mr. Wilson's Cabinet of Wonder

Hello ... Wrong Number

I'll Kill You Next!

Murder in Vegas

Did MAN Just Happen?

Terror at the Atlanta Olympics

Criswell Predicts

Your Next Ten Years

They Pay Me to Catch Footballs

The Phantom Menace

Just For Fellows

The Lopsided Gal

Astrology and Horse Racing

The Cokesbury Stunt Book

The Origin of Things

Remarks on the History of Things

U.S. Government Sewing Book

Funeral Tributes II

Blinky, the Friendly Hen

The Serbs Choose War

My Mystery Castle

Iggy

Funeral Customs the World Over

The Right to be Let Alone

Mormonism and the Negro

The Church and the Negro

Preacher with a Billy Club

Fighting Parson of the Old West

Invisibility: Mastering the Art of Vanishing

How to Disappear Completely

The Gentle Art of Making Enemies

How to Catch a Man, How to Keep a Man, How to Get Rid of a Man

Langenscheidts Konversationsbuch

Marlene Dietrich's ABC

The Bible in the Hands of Its Creators


"Life's Calendar for 1922"

George S. Kaufman

 

These are selections from George S. Kaufman's "Life's Calendar."
Alternately, they can be viewed as pre-Onion headlines.

 

LIFE'S CALENDAR FOR JANUARY 1922

3 Tu
Half a million persons crack jokes about still writing it 1921, 1922.

9 M
Patron consults soda fountain menu card before ordering his drink, 1987.

12 Th
John Hancock born; personally signs birth certificate, 1737.

16 M
Eighteenth Amendment proclaimed in effect, 1920. Who cares? 1922.

22 Su
Queen Victoria dies, 1901. President Wilson coins "Peace without victory" in address to Senate, 1917, Everybody knows what he meant, 1922.

23 M
Congress appoints first Tuesday after the first Monday in November as national election day; those who wanted it to be the third Wednesday after the second Friday want to know if there is any justice, 1845.

29 Su
First California Redwood used as public thoroughfare, 1853.

31 Tu
Actor takes a full three seconds to write a check during the action of a play, 1971.

 

LIFE'S CALENDAR FOR FEBRUARY 1922

2 Th
Joseph T. Davis, taxi driver, Chicago, Ill., finds he has change for $5, 1967.

7 Tu
Long distance telephone opened between New York and Chicago; first conversation begins: "I can hear you just as plainly as though you were in the next room," 1892.

11 Sa
Thomas Alva Edison born; completes first day's sleep in one and a half hours, 1847.

14 Tu
Arizona admitted to Union; annual output of picture postcards showing Grand Canyon increases four million, 1912.

20 M
German scientist discovers that cheaper form of concrete can be obtained by mixing regular concrete with German marks, 1924.

22 W
New York Giants, in training quarters, discover new and phenomenal second baseman, 1908-1922, incl.

24 F
Man found in Worcester, Mass., who understands a barometer, 1908.

5 Sat
The revolver invented; "Didn't know it was loaded" used for first time in newspaper, 1836.

26 Su
Fifteenth Amendment, giving negro full rights as citizen, adopted, 1869. Negroes still trying to get them, 1922. Stage telephone rings on stage, 1976.

28 Tu
Revolving door supplants electric chair at Sing Sing, 1929.

 

LIFE'S CALENDAR FOR MARCH 1922

1 W
William Dean Howells born; New England becomes self-conscious, 1837.

2 Th
Folding card table, belonging to Dravosburg, Pa., family, found to have nothing wrong with any of its legs, 1918.

3 F
War declared against Algiers, 1815. Grocer in St. James, N.Y., when asked if eggs are fresh, answers "No," 1903.

9 Th
Villa captured and promptly hanged by Gen. Pershing, 1916.

10 F
Valve for steam engines patented; work begun on valve handle wheeze, 1849. Pancho Villa captured and hanged by Gen. Pershing, 1916.

12 Su
General Post Office established by Congress, 1789. First complaint about it, 1789. Great blizzard, 1888. Pancho Villa captured in Mexico by pursuing troops and promptly hanged, 1916.

15 W
Conference to end all wars begins at London, 2319. Pancho Villa shot and killed by own men in Mexico, 1916. Non-Congressman's daughter used to christen battleship, 1908.

17 F
Soda fountain clerk places chocolate sundae in front of person who ordered it, 1912.

20 M
Pancho Villa narrowly escapes being captured in mountains of Mexico, 1916. First art photograph taken by light of match held cupped in sitter's hands while he lights cigarette, 1872.

21 Tu
Pin-wheel effect with parasols first used by chorus girls, 1843.

26 Su
Husband in Macon, Georgia, helping wife to hang a picture, gets it right the first time, 1897.

31 F
Pancho Villa killed by jealous woman in Mexican mountains, 1916.

 

LIFE'S CALENDAR FOR APRIL 1922

9 Su
Lee surrenders to Grant at Appomattox; Augustus Thomas begins first Civil War play, 1865.

20 Th
Bell tinkles when actor pulls stage bell rope, 1918.

25 Tu
U.S. declares war on Spain, 1898. War loan of $200,000,000 to Great Britain; W.R. Hearst feels it keenly, 1917.

 

LIFE'S CALENDAR FOR MAY 1922

1 M
Four Presidents press buttons in White House, opening the Chicago, Tennessee, Pan American, and Louisiana Purchase Expositions, 1893, 1897, 1901, 1904.

3 W
Eighteen English lady diarists refused permission to land at Ellis Island, month's quota having been completed, 1922.

11 Th
American Magazine runs article about man who didn't turn out to be successful, 1928.

12 F
Marshall T. Lapelle, of North Bedlam, Me., found to be using Christmas gift pipe rack, 1904.

13 Sa
Jamestown, first English settlement in America, founded, 1607. Several members of colony complete "My American Impressions," 1608.

14 Su
Mothers' Day. Convention to draft Constitution meets; Anti-Saloon League representative arriving five minutes too late, 1787.

17 W
Expert accountant estimates that railroads annually waste $892,365 by printing "Not Good If Detached" on round trip tickets, 1919.

19 F
Albert C. Walker, salesman in Duluth, Minn., receives five-dollar bill from customer and fails to ask: "Haven't you anything smaller?," 1918.

24 W
Brooklyn Bridge opened despite everything that New York can do about it, 1883.

25 Th
Ralph Waldo Emerson born, 1803. Man who gets wrong number on telephone does not insist on knowing which wrong number it is, 1912.

26 F
Last Confederate Army surrenders; scenario writers begin work on movies in which Northern lieutenant falls in love with proud Southern beauty, 1865.

28 Su
Harvey Schneide, of Wheeling, W. Va., believes a "Wet Paint" sign and does not touch the surface to see if it is really wet, 1914.

 

LIFE'S CALENDAR FOR JUNE 1922

4 Su
Ford Motor Co. increases capitalization from $2,000,000 to $100,000,000, or 1-1/2 cents for every Ford joke, 1915.

6 Tu
New York taxicab driver slows up to allow another car to get ahead of him, 1914. American newspaper revolutionizes journalism by printing photograph of girl in wedding dress without using caption "A June Bride," 1938.

8 Th
Andrew Jackson dies, 1845. Guest arriving at home of friend restrains himself from facetiously placing his hat on bust of Shakespeare standing in entrance hall, 1901.

9 F
First given point passed by a parade, 1437.

13 Tu
Fire in express office in Atlantic City destroys 1200 tons of prizes consigned to Japanese rolling ball shops on Boardwalk; damage, $2.35, 1909.

14 W
FLAG DAY. Three million persons in New York City alone ask why flags are being shown, 1922. Harriet Beecher Stowe born, 1811. First diving suit patented; short story writers begin looking up life and habits of octopus, 1834.

15 Th
Pure silk shoelace, advertised as 30 inches in length, actually measures 30 inches, 1921.

16 F
International commission appointed to find out why restaurants bring on the butter fifteen minutes ahead of the bread asks permission to handle disarmament question instead, 1922.

17 Sa
Battle of Bunker Hill, 1775; double-header in Boston, 1922. Joke from German weekly remains comic after translation into English, 1923.

19 M
Old-fashioned insurance agent, seeking audience with business man, admits he is an insurance agent, 1901.

22 Th
Restaurant opens in Atlanta, Ga., with so many sugar bowls that waiters are not required to steal them from other tables, 1913.

26 M
First American troops arrive in France; 319 different accounts of their first words on French soil cabled to American newspapers, 1917.

 

LIFE'S CALENDAR FOR JULY 1922

3 M
Battle of Santiago, 1898. American character in English novel does not say "I calculate," 1906. Modern boy asks what fire crackers were, 1922.

4 Tu
INDEPENDENCE DAY (sic). Nathaniel Hawthorne born, 1804. Stephen Collins Foster born, 1826. Patent Bureau established; patents begin to pend, 1836.

6 Th
Republican Party founded, 1854; no dancing in streets, 1922.

8 Sa
Vanity Fair reader breaks all records by finding the Table of Contents in 4 minutes and 13 seconds, 1919.

9 Su
German submarine Deutschland crosses the Atlantic, 1916. Germany wishes it hadn't, 1922. New York newspaper agrees to print picture of Babe Ruth, 1922.

11 Tu
Advertising manager for Campbell's Soups buys a rhyming dictionary, 1887.

13 Th
Cyrus W. Field lays the Atlantic cable; American papers begin to reprint London editorials, 1866.

17 M
World's largest American flag unfurled, 1789-1922, inclusive.

18 Tu
Actor, playing scene over telephone, pauses between lines long enough to create illusion of someone speaking at the other end, 1926.

21 F
Battle of Bull Run, 1861. Hottest July 21 on record; thirteen real oranges used to provide Orange Drink for 17,500,000 persons throughout United States, 1922.

25 Tu
Man found in Red Bank, New Jersey, who does not believe his wife would make a wonderful interior decorator, 1917.

28 F
Artificial fruit looks real, 1960.

29 Sa
Fourteenth Amendment adopted; Eighteenth gets closer and closer, 1868.

31 M
Toupee fools somebody, 1973.

 

LIFE'S CALENDAR FOR AUGUST 1922

1 Tu
First national census; Smith family leaps into fame, 1790.

6 Su
Nicky Arnstein's name mentioned in conversation, 1924.

7 M
Ingenue, greeting relative in play, doesn't back kick, 1921.

18 F
User of coin-box telephone, on completing conversation, doesn't put finger in return slot, 1919.

22 Tu
"America" wins first cup race, 1851. Stranger in New York searches two hours before finding bootlegger, 1922.

29 Tu
First Atlantic liner placed on end beside Woolworth Building to prove something, 1915.

 

LIFE'S CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 1922

3 Su
Theory that one brand of gasoline is better than another first exploited on billboards, 1914.

9 Sa
Califomia joins the Union; climate invented, 1850.

11 M
Henry Hudson discovers Hudson River, 1609; Jersey's commuters wonder how he ever could have missed it, 1922.

16 Sa
Line about preferring the upper berth anyhow first used, 1886.

20 W
J. C. Clarke, haberdasher of East Lima, Ohio, actually moves his business after sale based on the statement that he is compelled to move, 1908.

28 Th
First newspaper cartoon of season showing football crowding baseball off the stage, 1922.

 

LIFE'S CALENDAR FOR OCTOBER 1922

4 W
Traveler back from Europe fails to tell about the liquor they all drank the day before reaching New York, 1924.

5 Th
Chester A. Arthur born, 1830. Atlanta Exposition, 1881; somebody remembers it, 1922.

7 Sa
James Whitcomb Riley born; Indiana begins practicing dialect, 1853.

14 Sa
Loser in poker game quits early because he is sleepy, 1889.

18 W
First telephone connection between New York and Chicago, 1892; New York resident almost gets call through to local exchange, 1922.

21 Sa
Edison produces first incandescent light; "Don't-blow-out-the-gas" joke begins to fight for its life, 1879.

26 Th
Impromptu quartette doesn't remember "Sweet Adeline," 1909.

28 Sa
Bartholdi's Statue of liberty unveiled, 1886. Quite a number of persons suggest reveiling ceremony, 1922.

 

LIFE'S CALENDAR FOR NOVEMBER 1922

2 Th
Kansas goes dry; new uses found for cyclone cellars, 1880.

6 M
Female character in Oriental play is not referred to as somebody's Lotus Flower, 1937.

7 Tu
ELECTION DAY; Republican, Democrat and Socialist leaders highly pleased with results, 1922. New York evening papers, printed at seven A.M., announce heavy early vote, 1922.

9 Th
Montana admitted to Union, 1889. Paul T. Saddle, only man to refrain from remarking about the three-mile limit when seeing friend off for Europe, born, 1890.

13 M
First vacant lot next to skyscraper set aside for measuring transatlantic liners, 1902.

17 F
Congress meets for first time in Capitol at Washington, 1800; one hundred and ten million people begin to think it would have been just as well if it hadn't, 1922.

21 Tu
John Meredith, born of obscure parents, discovers new method of arranging oranges and apples in dairy lunch, 1921.

22 W
First anecdote about poker game in heaven, 473. Nineteen Russian actors discovered still in Russia, 1923.

25 Sa
Labor Day in Louisiana, but only Nov. 25 elsewhere, 1922.

27 M
U. S. and Germany sign arbitration treaty, 1904; strong evidence that they must have been joking about it, 1917. Collar button dropped in comic strip fails to roll under bureau, 1967.

30 Th
Mark Twain born, 1835. THANKSGIVING DAY, strangely coinciding with end of twelfth month of LIFE'S CALENDAR, 1922.


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