Adventures with the Mojave Phone Booth book now available Deuce of Clubs Book Club: Books of the Weak

You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day

Scott Dikkers (1999)


You often say that you're not doing exactly what you want to be doing with your life. You will continue saying this until you die. (7)

Eight things you can do to feel worthless today, #5—Reveal to a dear friend that your life is falling apart and watch her quickly lose interest and distance herself from you. (27)

Your friends say they like you, but really they only like how they feel around you. You barely figure into the equation at all. (36)

Sometimes your friends hang out with you not because they enjoy your company, but because they feel sorry for you. If they have to keep doing this much longer, they're going to dump you like a hot potato. (36)

If you had never met your friends, and you had been born in Iraq or something, they would probably not care if you got bombed. In fact, they might support the idea. (38)

When the chips are down, your friends are just going to save their own hides. I guarantee it. (39)

Let's sit down and actually count the genuine true friends you have. It's not that many, is it? (42)

Actually, you probably don't have a single friend. (43)

Oh, except Jesus. He's your friend. Why don't you call him and see if he wants to hang out? (43)

A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends. (47)

Your friends care a lot more about themselves than they do about you. (56)

If they were paid a half million dollars and were guaranteed to get off scot-free, most people would have no problem killing you. They've done surveys on this. (60)

When you're really down and out, who do you turn to, your fucked-up family? Your no-account friends? Basically, you've got no one. Except maybe your counselor. And I'm only in it for the money, I can assure you of that. (64)

Ninety-five percent of the people on this planet live in painful, abject poverty. And you don't care. Heck, none of us do. (66)

A person just died in the time it took for you to read that. Who gives a flying fart? He or she was probably clear across the other side of the world anyway. (66)

Your parents didn't think about what they were doing for a second. They just reproduced like dumb apes, and here you are—part of the problem. (69)

Your family only tolerates you because you have some of the same genetic material as them. They're basically in it for themselves. (69)

Maybe other people aren't what they seem at all. Maybe this is all an elaborate setup, and really you were abducted by aliens a long time ago and have been strapped to a table in an alien prison for years with needles stuck in your brain, and they're making you imagine your whole life as some kind of twisted experiment. Don't let them do it. Fuck with the experiment. Go shoot some people in a mall. (73)

How do you know your best friend isn't one of them? (73)

Beyond mere attraction, how do you expect someone to actually fall in love with you? Why, the notion is preposterous. (78)

If you're in a relationship right now, you should know that your special friend doesn't really love you; he or she is just using you. (79)

Your various exes probably got over you pretty easily. (89)

Someday your special someone is going to wake up and realize that you're not worth the time of day, and he or she is going to leave you and never speak to you again. (94)

You should get out of your relationship first, before your partner does. It hurts a lot less to dump someone than it does to get dumped. (95)

You can never really know the person you are in love with. He or she could turn on you any second. (97)

No matter how much you think you love someone or trust someone, know this: Between you and everyone else on this planet there is a dark, infinite chasm that can never be crossed. (98)

Love hurts. (100)

You know what really hurts? Love. (100)

Here is something: Love hurts. (100)

Do you know what love feels like? It hurts. (100)

Love. It hurts like hell. (101)

Are you in love? Sucker. (101)

When someone says, "I love you," what they really mean is, "I love the way I feel when anyone expresses an interest in me, in this case, you. (102)

Next time you get dumped, it might comfort you to remember this: You will never find a love like that ever again—that person meant everything to you, and you will never find anyone that special ever again. (106)

If you truly love someone, then you are the biggest chump of all. (108)

I really hate my writing. You probably do too. Don't even try to say something nice about it, it won't matter. I know I'm awful. I read back some of my writing and it's just embarrassing. I can't imagine that it's helping anybody. I am a complete fraud. (149)

What purpose do you serve, exactly? (163)

You are destined for mediocrity. (181)

When you pray, no one is listening.
Furthermore, you look ridiculous.

Attention, Christians: In the Gospel According to Luke, Jesus promises his followers that he will return from the dead during their lifetimes and bring God's kingdom to Earth. He's running a little late. But keep waiting, he's sure to come any day now. (186)

If it weren't for science, the pope would probably still be torturing people who thought the earth revolved around the sun. (195)

Jesus doesn't really love you. He just loves the way he feels when you're around. (198)

Did you ever stop to think just how insignificant you are in the grand scheme of things? I mean, it doesn't really make any difference whether you live or die, does it? (214)

The world would have been no different if you had never been born. (214)

There's so much shit to do. But really, why bother with any of it? You're going to die eventually. Then you're really going to wonder whey you bothered with all that shit. (216)

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