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Peterson's Incident Report Book (2001)

by Ms. George Black

This document (forwarded to D.O.C. HQ by Agent Hesby, Portland operative) purports to be a record of "incidents" at a downtown Portland, Oregon convenience store, written down by various clerks, and happened upon by Mrs. Black, who was clerking there:

One afternoon during a rare break in the action at the register I found a hand-written notebook under some papers on a shelf. On the cover someone had written "Incident Report Book." I read a few pages and said to myself...."This is the side of this business few people ever see....someone must publish this."

I copied the entries exactly as they were entered into that hand-written notebook, changing only the names of persons who must remain nameless. The original book is still somewhere in the Peterson's office.

Please bear in mind that these are incidents that happened at rare intervals between the really great customers that regularly patronize Mr. Peterson's stores.

There may or may not have been certain elements of inspiration. Nevertheless, some examples are presented:

  • 6/26/97 Tweaker stole cigarettes while walking by the ice cream at Morrison.
  • 6/26/97 Young guy, no I.D. for cigarettes. Third attempt. He was an asshole.
  • 4/23/98 DON'T BE A CLERK!
  • 4/27/98 A black woman, probably in her early thirties, walked in. She had been in earlier in the evening telling me that she had sickle-cell anemia and needed immediate attention. I tried to call her an ambulance but the folks at OHSU didn't seem to think it was an emergency so I told her to leave. Anyway at this time she refused to leave and proceded to lay on the floor moaning. The shoplifter remained in the store eating beef jerky.
  • 6/20/98 Homeless man, red shirt, black pants, white, mid-40's. Had a six-pack of Bud wrapped in his coat when he dropped it next to the beer cooler breaking open two cans. I 86'ed him faster than a fast guy who was real fast.
  • 1/14/00 At approximately 17:00 hours I observed 3 (three) suspicious characters of the Caucasian persuasion enter the premises with the utmost consternation. the first personage was known to me to be named Joe Marco, a most suspicious sounding name if there ever was one. The second individual was aptly titled with the misnomer Jack "Johnny Bueno" Lee. The third one I believe was named "Joe Mama." Shortly after their entrance into the store they proceeded to fill their pants with sani-wipes, feminine hygiene products and two donuts apiece. After approaching them with my most elegant demeanor and asking them to return the products to our shelving they proceeded to attack my character. Despite their harsh behavior they quietly removed themselves to parts unknown. No security forces were summoned.
  • 1/15/00 This particular fellow asked if we were outta Creme Savers. I asked him to leave the store for starting trouble. He may try to come back so watch for him.
  • 1/15/00 Jack, known on the street as Jack "The Eel" Lee made me listen to Carlos Santana. Security was not called.
  • 1/16/00 Joe "Sandman" Marco came in wearing a disguise. We knew this because he is normally a White guy about 5'9" and 150 lbs. Today he was Mexican and 6'2" and 225 lbs. Very clever but not clever enough. He didn't fool us for a minute.
  • 2/12/00 I heard a rumor about a man who saw a guy do something when a lady said that some woman met a girl while drinking a beverage over at a bar. Security was called.
  • 2/21/00 Checked out TV Guide, People, Entertainment Weekly
  • 6/15/00 Would it be my fault if someone choked and died on a plastic sack?
  • 1/23/01 A toothless urban hillbilly asked to buy a corncob pipe. I informed him that we no longer stocked this item. He grew heated and called me "a lowdown varmint" and threatened to sick his brother Jethro on me. He described said cousin as being "Mean as a junkyard dog and twice as hairy." I then ejected him by the seat of his overalls. In case he comes in again he'll be recognizable for having a mullet haircut, beady inbred eyes and my foot in his ass.
  • 1/23/01 A drunk fratboy came in and repeatedly did that annoying, infectious "WHAZZUP?" from the Budweiser beer commercial. For this infraction I ejected him from the premises. Postscript -- I can't stop saying "WHAZZUP?" to all of the customers.
  • 1/24/01 A Hillfiger and FUBU attired pimply white guy came in and upon catching sight of two black guys said "What's up ol' Playiznees?" I decided that despite his ludicrous idiocy that this was a legitimate well intended if pathetically misguided attempt to bridge the gap between the races and "be down." I refrained from 86ing him but I did however begin referring to him as "Slim Shady."
  • 1/01/01 Some TV news crew came in to ask me for my description of the riot I happened not to witness.